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Step daughters succeeding in destroying marriage

StepmomKS's picture

So, I'm new at this blogging thing but I'm at my wits end and felt having a place to vent and a venue of other people in my same circumstances might keep me sane.

I have three step-daughters. I also have three children of my own. The three youngest are still at home, my daughter 15 yrs, my step-daughter 14 yrs, and my son 9 yrs.

The problem stems from the 14 yr old. I've been married to her dad for 4 yrs now. For the last two years she has done everything in her power to split us up. Even going so far as to issue an ultimatum of I'm not living with her (me) anymore.

The details are long and varied and I would be glad to share some of them over the course of this blog. But, for now leave it to say that I've got to where I can't stand to be in the same room with either of them (husband and step-daughter) when their here!

They totally ignore the rest of us, carry on long conversations, text each other several times a day, hang out in her bedroom and if any of the rest of us try to interact we are treated like the outsider's in our own home.




frustratedstepdad's picture

"He does not tolerate aggressive behavior and gives a quick correction. He is great to the dogs, when they are doing the right thing. He never rewards bad behavior. I think that's what many of us do when we hide in the bedroom or stay silent in the face of aggression."

You are so right StepAside. I am definitely guilty of this. Hell I hardly say two words to my SD21 anymore, which is exactly what she wants...for me to stop riding her ass.

StepmomKS's picture

That sounds good in theory and may work in other households, but in mine if I confront the SD in any way about anything....I'm to blame. I caused the bad behavior, I did or said something to upset her, I just dont want her around and I'm trying to run her off, as you can see the pattern of everything is always my fault and she is just responding to what I'm dishing out!!!!

You are right about it effecting my other kids, they in turn get mouthy with me because they see her get away with it!!!! If I get on to them of course their response is "Why do I get in trouble when SD14 doesn't????"

It's a never ending cycle!!!


frustratedstepdad's picture

Wow I'm really sorry to hear this, and it sounds like you are at the end of your rope. Have you ever sat your husband down and explained exactly how you feel. Don't do this while you two are arguing or you are angry at him. Sit him down one afternoon and calmly explain why you are feeling the way that you are. If he really cares about you, maybe it will help a little. Also, maybe find a marriage counselor in your area? Sometimes it can be a big help to speak to someone who is impartial.

StepmomKS's picture

There is no more counselling, the DH refuses!!!! The probelm is apparently all mine, I can either suck it up and take second place to a SD14 or I can get divorced. His exact words were "I would rather us both be alone and misrible than have her unhappy for one minute!!!"

The SD14 is rude to me and my children, but it does no good to point it out to the DH, of course we have done something to make her react thaat way!!!!

Are you seeing the pattern here?


starfish's picture

Ahh, the secret pact between skids and BP.... drives me insane, too. but as much as i hate the closed door secret talks, i prefer that over the ags laying all over my furniture and giving me the snub in MY home... stay outside or in the designated room for you suits me fine...

i've tried lovey "lets be a family" route, didn't work out so well for me... now i hate the skids and wouldn't care if they fell off the face of the earth (in fact, i wish they would).... and dh's response "you didn't try long enough".. sorry, dh i'm not fighting an uphill battle with your baggage, your mom, your sis, and your ex forever while you have you seemed to misplace your balls and have no spine when dealing with discipline... so, since the ags don't seem to be falling off the face of the earth, i'm just waiting/hoping they grow up and move the hell away!

Hang in there and good luck!!! Smile

frustratedstepdad's picture

Secret pacts....that is definitely the correct phrase for it. It drives me nuts when SD21 and my DW are talking in real quiet voices, or they're in another part of the house talking. It just means that DW is agreeing to allow SD21 to do something that she knows I don't approve of. Drives me up a freaking wall!!!!

StepmomKS's picture

I have tried to totally disengage, the SD14 is with us every other day and every other weekend. One the days she is here the DH is straight up her butt....on the days she isnt here, they are in constant contact by phone or text!!! When she's here the DH stayings in the house and they "hang-out" together, on the days she is gone he stays out in the garage working on varous projects. There isn't any marital interaction between us anymore. I really just dont get what a almost 15 year old girl could find so fasinating in a 43 yr old man to sit for hours hanging out and talking about anything and everything!!!!

anafiodorova's picture

Your SO obviously is dedicated to you and cares about you.I wish more men were like that.My ex was not that is why I left.Your story tells me that you can be put first and you do not have to suck it up.

paul_in_utah's picture

Ah, the old step-daughter "I'm gonna break you up routine." Gag. I get sick of that one. My "wonderful" SD17 has been trying to break me and DW for years. Back talk, eye rolling, arguing, refusal to do chores, snooping through my private name it, she's done it. Unfortunately, DW is a permissive "friend" parent, and doesn't have my back, so it is pointless for me to call out SD17's bad behaviors. DW either doesn't listen to me, or doesn't believe me about things that happened when she was not around.

I finally gave up and disengaged. I no longer speak to SD17, and she does not speak to me. Fortunately, I travel a lot for work, so I get to avoid SD17 for much of the year (even had a run of 160 straigh days when I did not see SD17 earlier this year). Also my wife at least does not have too much "secret" time with SD, where they do things without me, so it could be worse.

Standing up for yourself is a great idea, but not in every situation. If you have a non-supportive spouse like me, there is no reason to bother. Disengage, hide out, do whatever you can do to get by.

jojo68's picture

I totally know what you mean...our family is not blended...its SD11 and Dadddddyyyyy and my son and I and when SD11 isn't there my husband acts like he likes sad but true.

I was in the bathroom taking a shower and I overheard SD11 tell DH that she really needed to go to the restroom and he needed to tell me to get out (I was just getting dressed and still needed to dry my hair). He didn't suprisingly. This how entitled this girl thinks she is and the biggest kicker on this is that there is another bathroom in the house...umm but she just doen't like that bathroom and refuses to use it because she likes to use Daddddddddyyyyyyy's bathroom.

She makes me (my son too but he doesn't feel like an outsider in my home...It is all about her and daddy. The only time I feel relaxed and peaceful is when she is gone...which is very rare. The only time I have fun doing anything or going anywhere is when she isn't there...I hate feeling that way. It is very hard indeed to live that way.

hismineandours's picture

I agree about the whole not keeping silent part. In the early days I addressed things directly with ss as he was a small child and I was typically the only adult around-he moved out when he was bout 9 or 10 and as he's gotten older (now 13) I have gone to dh with my concerns typically as for whatever reason I felt it was the right thing to do-I realize now it was not. SS13 really prefers me not to speak to him, not to be in the same room-in fact all I have to do IS speak to him and he will leave the room (it's sort of a neat trick).

In the meantime, dh always said he would "discuss" it with him. In reality, I had no clue if he was discussing anything-oh, I am sure there are some things that were "discussed" and others that my dh and his faulty brain forgot all about. Also, the discussions were indeed just that-my dh discussing with ss how he should treat me-not the parent TELLING the child what is expected from him.

In the future, if ss ever comes back to visit-I want to be present for ALL discussions. DH and I are supposed to be a team and so any sort of "discussion" would be something I would need to be present for. Also that way dh wont slip into guilty parenting and ss wont be so likely to make up off the wall lies about me.