You are here

Dont have a good title, just need opinons!!

Sonomama30's picture

BD5 came home from a 4 night stay at bio dad's back in july. when i went to pick her up, i noticed that she had all "bug bites" on her face and arms. i asked him what this was and he had no clue ( typical ),, so that next day i took her to the doctor and he said they were "insect bites", i said " BED BUGS??" he said " nope, insect bites",,,, she did go to the beach with dio dad and new wifey the day before but the "bites" were only on her face and some on her arms,, none on her legs or below her neck.. i told bio dad that the doctor said she cant go there again until the "bites" went away.. ok, so here we are end of aug and they are gone. i spoke to wifey ( easier to talk to than asshole bio dad) and they want to get her for fri sept 2 til sun sept 4. im still thinking about it. Wifey also told me that on 9/25 they are chistening there offspring and would like BD to be there on that sunday. i also said i will get back to her on that.
SOOOO,, my FH is PISSED, that im actually thinking about letting her go down there again when it could have been bed bugs. also, bio dad is such as ass and he dosent make any effort and he said that i should not even take her 1 way to or from the christening for her step bro. I understand why he is upset, i go fuckin bonkers when BM resurfaces and wants to be supermom and i go crazy on FH.

i want BD to see her dad, she really loves spending time with his family and she loves going there. i dont want FH to get upset because he usually bends my way when it comes to BM and SS. ( SS lives with ud full time) im confused.
p.s. when the bites were going away i told bio dad that he could come here and take her for a play date at the mall or movies,,ect whenever he wanted, he never did. this also has FH pissed also.
what do i do??


BSgoinon's picture

Didn't the Dr specifically say it wasn't bed bugs?

Is he a good dad? (bio)?

It seems to me, and maybe I don't know the whole story or have all of the details, that a mountain is being made out of a mole hill. Bio dad hasn't seen is daughter since July because of some bug bites?

Am I missing something? She should go to her half brothers christening. That is a family event that I am sure means a lot to both BioBdad and her SM.

MamaBecky's picture

You say the dr. said they were not bed bugs. They were insect bites from going to the beach. Only on her face and arms because those are what comes out of the water and I'm sure the rest of her was submerged as she played. It makes sense to me. I see no reason to withhold her from her father. Big events like christenings, weddings, family reunions, etc. are what you should be flexible regarding. There is no reason your daughter should miss these events and there is no reason why your FH should care what your daughter does and when with her dad. It is hard to co-parent but it is worth it and what is best for your daughter. It is good to get your FH's input but when he becomes negative or is encouraging you to make choices that would harm your child (like suggesting you withhold her or be difficult regarding scheduling) then it's time to lovingly tell him to back off and let the BIO parents handle it.

Sonomama30's picture

yes, the doc said it was NOT bed bugs. im having a hard time answering if he is a good dad or not, he was but for the past 3 years he comes and goes through out her life, he really is NOT involved at all, only when it is convienent for him. i do agree she should go to the christening. he lives an hour away and dosent have a car so most of these visits depend on me or his mother to drive.
MAMABECKY: i never thought about how her head was probably out of the water, but its just strage to me how no one say anything on her face? she is only 5 and she wouldnt be in the Ocean swimming, she runs back and fourth gets her feet in and than runs back out. and sand flees?? on her face only?? its just so strange to me. his wifey did confirm that in there building on the other side there was a report of bed bugs. wifey said they got new mattresses and realy cleaned there apt. none of them had any bites, just BD.

hismineandours's picture

Perhaps he would be more involved if you didnt make access to the child so difficult?

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Bites on face and arms are not bed bugs. I just went to the mountains with my daughter and we are covered in mosquito bites on face and arms. I would be upset if I could not see my child over something like this. You said she likes to spend time with dad, so let her, for her sake. If dad really is flaking out on her that is too bad, and she will realize that at some point. Your concerns are valid, but a few bites are not the end of the world.

hismineandours's picture

What does the court order say? I think it was wrong for you to keep her from her father because of insect bites. Kids get insect bites all the time. IMO, even if it were bedbugs-you should have informed your ex of this and given him a chance to rectify it. Instead, you took her to the doctor, ignored what the doctor told you, chose to believe that it was bed bugs, and denied visitation. His wife gave you an explanation and you ignored that as well. And then you so kindly offered him a "play date". I'd be pretty pissy if I was him.

MamaBecky's picture

I agree with hismineandours. OP if your ex is anything like my DH he is "uninvolved" because he doesn't want to deal with you. Not wanting to be involved with you does not mean that he does not want to be involved with his child. You are lucky that he has married someone that is willing to be the go-between. I would be very appreciative of that women if I were you. If your daughter had a step mom that did not want to deal with you either it would be much much worse. My DH hates that his ex acts like the superior parent and therefor does not involve himself with dealings with her because he is afraid they will agrue and upset SD. Chances are your ex deals with you in much the same way.

Sonomama30's picture

actually Bio dad and wifey JUST CALLED Me today,,, and told he they got new mattresses and found out there was a bed bug situation in there building. i picked her up on july 17,, and they are just calling me TODAY AUG 23??? im not the bad guy here. if he really wanted to see her he could of made arrangement to come for the day and spend time with her. her entire face was covered with "bites" and her arms were scaring and bleeding from the bites she already picked. fuck the court order, the safety of MY CHILD comes before anything, and he had absolutly no clue where these "bites" came from?? was he even watching her??? what the hell took him over a month to call me or BD and see how she was doing? and i should allow a relationship when he clearly dosent give a fuck?? sorry, that;s not me

BSgoinon's picture

They likely didn't think to call about the bed bugs because the Dr specifically said it wasn't bed bugs. Is it possible that they just found out about the bed bugs themselves. Maybe they called you as soon as they found out.

I know that uninvolved parents are frustrating. It is not fair, it isn't easy and it surely isn't right if they are at all able to make more of an effort on their end to see her. However... I still don't think bugbites are a viable reason to withhold a child (IMHO). Maybe if it was a recurring problem. Maybe if it made her physically ill, and you knew for a fact that it wasn't from the beach trip. Maybe they stayed late at the beach and it was mosquitos and she had on long sleeves and pants. I know when I lived in an area with mosquitos, they were WAY worse at night.

It is hard to determine sometimes what REALLY is best for our kids. Especially when we don't think the other parent is doing their fair share of parenting. But in the end... is with holding your daughter from her dad really what is best for her? He doesn't have a car, it is hard for him to get there from an hour away to visit. Maybe it would be worth being a little more flexible to see if he will step up to the plate. Taking the high road isn't always easy, but sometimes it's what is best.

I don't know... maybe I am wrong.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

They called you in the 35 minutes between your first post and your second one?

hismineandours's picture

Look its just this sort of attitude that generates more problems. The court order is there for a reason-you are supposed to follow it. And im sorry but insect bites are not a safety issue-your ex could take you to court for contempt and a judge would probably rip you a new one for effing the court order and acting like insect bites are a safety issue. i know you want to believe they are bed bugs but there is NO evidence of this-it's just what you want to believe.

You, yourself, has said he has transportation issues, and you are denying him court ordered visitation, yet you are surprised he has not come to visit on your terms? Really? I understand that you are saying he doesnt give an eff, but one could say that about you too. Do you really have your daughter's best interests at heart? Are you really trying to promote a relationship with the father and family that she loves OR are you making it difficult for them to have contact with her because of your own issues and dislike of her father? They clearly want to spend time with her-that's why they ask for her-well in advance it sounds like.

I would also like to point out that she is HIS child too-not just yours and she has just as much right to have a relationship with him. I think this is why alot of dads "give up". I'm not saying that is the right thing to do, but it becomes a little easier to see why it happens when the bm throws up reasons why they cant see their own kid, when they can see them, and disregards a court order.

lmac's picture

I agree. In fact, BM here did something similar. "U need to bomb your house because SS11 has like 100 bug bites."

Um, no, we take him outside to play. Kids get bug bites. Unless the kids is in immediate danger, you have absolutely no right to withhold.

It's a bug bite. Even if it's a bed bug, it's still a bug bite.

AlmostRN's picture

In my opinion, I think it is very normal for children to return to both parents sometimes with bug bites, knee scrapes etc. If they were having fun family time (even though you dont care for the other side) it is important to not deprive children of them. Its not their fault mom and dad didnt work out. As much as I cannot stand my husbands ex-wife I am still supportive of my stepson of having fun with her. It works out better in the end for the children when adults let go of their own agendas. Unfortunately, that doesnt always work beneficially for us as she is not as pleasant but we can only control the way we respond to things. I think if their family time doesnt interfere with school and they are not unfit so to speak, then you ought to allow your SD to see her dad. Children need their parents. Also, I think its important for her to spend some special event time with the other step siblings. I think it will help her feel more part of the family. I have never been close to my half brother and sister or my fathers parents because I always felt like they had more "family" connection and bias since I was never included in those defining moments. I hope my opinion helps and good luck.

momof5_1969's picture

My daughter, who is 17, got like 10 bug bites the last time she was here. Nobody else got bug bites. The thing is, is I think the mosquitos just like her more --- they always have. She has always had an attractive blood type or something for bugs. There was nothing I could have done to stop it because it was warm weather. They were coming in through open windows, doors, etc., and honestly this has gone on for years. Even when she was younger and sprayed down with bug spray, she would still get more than everyone else. I have no idea why.

Your doctor would know if it was bed bugs or not. It really does sounds, even from your post, that the Dad and step mom are really truly trying to work with you. You really need to be careful here that you don't get a contempt charge thrown at you, because you really don't have a leg to stand on -- even your own doctor won't back you up.

Take care....

forestfairy's picture

Some people have some false ideas about bed bugs here. I work in low income housing in a major city and bed bugs are something we are constantly dealing with.

Bed bugs bite you all over your body (face and arms included). Some people are not affected whatsoever by bed bug bites, and some people are affected severely, depending on your own body's reaction to them. A couple could be sleeping in a bed infested with bed bugs and one person could be covered in visible bites, the other have none.

You can't neccesarily tell by looking at a bug bite if it was a bed bug that did it or not, so I'm not sure how the doctor "knew" it wasn't bedbugs? Bed bugs often bite in clusters of three, so if you see three bites in a row or next to each other, that's a give away...but some people just get bit all over.

Bed bugs spread around buildings very, very easily (happens at my agency all the time!). It doesn't matter how clean or dirty you keep your house. I don't see why your ex and his wife would get a new mattress if they didn't have bed bugs, that seems really strange to me.

Would they allow you to look in their home or not to verify? It's pretty easy to tell if there are bed bugs. Get a bright flashlight and check the seams all around the mattress and boxspring. You may not see actual bugs, but you will see rust colored spots (their feces). If the bedframe is wood, look in every crack and crevice, which is where they love to hide, often in clusters. Also check any wood molding around the floors, and possible cracks in that. Often you can see blood spots on sheets from where someone has been bit.

You can let her over there, but until you are sure they don't have bed bugs, take precautions from her bringing them to your house. Put all of her clothes, backpack, everything she brings over there and put it in a garbage bag before it enters your house. Straight into the washing machine, or into a bathtub where you can look through it thoroughly. Bed bugs travel from place to place on clothes, in suitcases, on shoes. If I were you I'd have her strip on the back porch and put on fresh clothes before she even enters your house.