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Advice so required .. PLEASE HELP!!

LK Step Mum's picture

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he has a little girl from his previous relationship.

At first me and her Mum used to get on OK, we'd have her and her boyfriend round for dinner etc.

She started school and her Mother wouldn't change her working hours, so on Tuesday's and Thursday's when she was staying with her Daddy I changed my hours at work so that I could pick her up from school and we'd cook her Daddy his dinner and get showered and ready for bed for when he got home. Things changed STD Mum said was confusing her having 2 homes and stopped my boyfriend from having his daughter in the week and wrote to the school to ban me from picking her up.

Things have got worse since then! She has been told that my family are not her family and she mustn't call my sisters Aunties, Uncles, Cousins etc.

Recently step daughter has been telling her school class teacher that she feels sad that me & her Daddy have bought her a playhouse and a trampoline for her to play with at our home and that in future she wants all her toys, clothes, books & christmas & birthday present oh and sweets (this we are not sure where this comes from because sweets are bad for children's teeth so we don't let her have any at our home) to be at her Mum's and that she will pack a bag of toys, books and clothes that she will want to play with at the weekend at ours.

My step daughter goes without anything, she has a lovely bedroom filled with what only I can descride as being heaven for a child, books, fancy dress outfits, paints, colouring books, skipping ropes, hop scotch, bike, scooter, dollies, trampoline, DVD's, clothes, shoes, toys etc. She has told me and her Daddy that she loves it that she has all these things at our home but she tells her Mummy that she doesn't like it and that she is confused that she has the same things at her Mummy's & Daddy's homes. Surely having the same dolly at 2 homes can't be that confusing?

My step daugher is 98% as good as gold for me & her Daddy but for her Mummy she is 45% good for her & her Mum phones my boyfriend when she is naughty to get him to speak to her. Mum is saying her bad behaviour is down to us & that she is confused because we have porvided a safe, loving fun home for her (in my eyes).

Obviously christmas is around the corner & for 3 years my boyfrined & I have bought her presents to be at our home, now her Mummy is saying all presents to be at her Mummy's house & she can bring them round to ours if she wants to play with them!

Anyone else had this situation? Please help! It's starting to course arguments between me & her Daddy now because I think if we have bought presents we want to enjoy watching her play with them. He on the other hand is getting grief from his ex.



madrona's picture

Your situation comes across as just a little bit confusing, which may be why you haven't gotten responses.

As best I can sort out what you've said, it seems that in your boyfriend's desire to be a good parent, he (and you) may have gone a bit overboard on buying things for your SD.

If the child herself is saying to her teacher that she wants to just bring a bag of toys and so on to your house, maybe there's nothing wrong with letting that happen. After all, the point is to connect with her as a human being -- not just to watch her be a consumer of what's purchased. And, yes, even though your urge might have been generous, I think it could be upsetting to have two identical dollies, one at each home.

Maybe for Christmas this year you can take her out to the Nutcracker ballet, or a grand trip to the circus or something. Or for a horseback ride. If you have experiences together, those are gifts that you can watch her enjoy.

LK Step Mum's picture

Confusing isn't the word!!

Everything has been fine for 3 years and all of a sudden her Mummy says things have to change she wants nothing at our home but everything at her Mummys.

Her Mummy has told her that she is not allowed to bring things to our house as things won't go back to her house, now she is being told you can take what you want to Daddy's house!

We haven't bought her a lot but her Mummy seems to think we have we had a really un safe garden which we were landscaping and we said once it was done she could have something for the garden she choose a trampoline as she really wanted one and then we were given the oppertunity of a playhouse again something she really wanted so we got it as an early christmas present for her.

I love the idea of a family christmas present something we will be able to do with her ie horse riding something we can see her enjoy thats a fab idea!


I'm guessing that her Mummy has a case of the green eyed monster!

LK Step Mum's picture

Exactly!! SD is seeing a teacher at school for anger issues? BF wasn't told this it wasn't until he arranged his own parents evening at the school that the BM informed him of these issues.

What anger issues she has no anger when she is with us in our home, she has come out with questions like do you and daddy argue? cause Mummy and SD argue and are always shouting at me.

Not sure on what on earth is going on but the poor girl is messed up and BM has informed us it's all our fault!

Thing is she doesn't push boundaries in our home, when we tell her no, it's a no, when she is being naughty she sit in her bedroom for 6 minutes we go in and if she is ready to say sorry then she says it and can go on and play and looses a sticker with a big black cross on her sticker reward chart.

I am so confused and so stuck on what to do wondering if she is just telling her BM what she wants to hear and telling us the other.

LK Step Mum's picture

sd won't call my family family anymore Mummy says they are not my family and I must never call them that!

Well upsetting as she choose of her own free will to call them Aunties, Uncles, Cousins and Grandad R.

Surely your childs happiness should over ride any jealousy on the BM side?!

LK Step Mum's picture

Thanks I will suggest this to my boyfriend!

All i have had for 2 years is My Mummy says your fat, My Mummy says your ugly, My Mummy says I don't have to listen to you, My Mummy says your not allowed to tell me off, My Mummy says our cats is nicer than your cat the list goes on and on and on and is so childish!

I have and will never say a bad word about BM to SD I have a little more respect she is still her Mummy so I am unsure as to why she makes these comments to me unless they are true!

LK Step Mum's picture

we have never said that she must call them that she has done it of her own free will.

I think it's nice because it comes across that she is happy and feels safe in my family,

Explained to her Mummy is right in a sense that they are ot your Aunties etc
When a Mummy and a Daddy have a baby their brothers and sisters become Aunties and Uncles but unfortunatly your Mummy and Daddy arn't together but your a very lucky girl because Mummy has SD and Daddy has SM and their brothers and sisters are like your Auntie and Uncles. and explained that she was a very lucky special girl becuase there is so many people that love you and want the best and that look out for you! Don't think I did anything wrong in that explanation to her.
BM gets her to call her friends and her new boyfriends family Aunties, Uncles, Grandad, Nanny but it's not ok for my family!