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SS(11) looking at porn!

Nymh's picture

BM called BF today to discuss that she has been checking her browser history and found that SS has been looking at porn sites. A couple of years ago she called BF with the problem that SS was staying up all night watching YouTube videos on her laptop. My suggestion at that time was to password-protect the laptop so he couldn't get on without her logging him in. Obviously that didn't happen. How can she expect to have any control over his internet access if he is able to use the computer whenever he wants without her knowing it?

SS's bedroom at our house is also our office, and SS uses my computer when he is here. I have my computer password protected so that (I thought) he can't get on it without one of us logging him in. What I DIDN'T know is that he has been told the password and logs in himself. What's the use of having a password if everyone knows it? So I went through the history on my computer and, lo and behold, he has been surfing to porn sites when we thought he was in bed.

I feel like it's not my place to make suggestions about this, but since THIS is MY computer, I am going to change MY password. If BF wants to start logging SS in again that's OK, but I don't want SS knowing the password again so he can just start logging in again at night on his own. Also, I kind of get the impression from BF that he "doesn't want to talk about it," and I'm afraid that he and BM are going to just put parental control software on their computers and try to ignore the issue without talking to SS about it.

Does anyone have any experience or advice on this?

Comments

jojo68's picture

Unfortunately.. boys will be boys. They sell software that keeps your computer from going places you don't want gone to Smile

Stick's picture

Nymh - I can't write too much at the moment because I am late, but I wanted to respond.

1. Yes, change your password.

2. I think you and DH should sit down with SS and let him know that you have discovered he is looking at porn. Please don't judge him on this. It is normal and natural for him to be curious.

What I would stress to your SS though is that porn is an exaggerated version of sex. And that it doesn't give a "true" depiction (even though it is very very thorough!!) ... it doesn't give a realistic view of sex and women.

Be straight with this kid and honest. He is 11 and has probably seen more than he should.

Now, I have to tell you that I and my husband both are not adverse to porn. I have no problem with it, and we use it when we feel like it. BUT... we are adults.

About 5 years ago, I was with a group of younger men on a job ... they were in their very early 20's and looking at all kinds of different porn. And they asked me what I thought. And I told them.. Porn is fine.. but the danger of it is is that it is so graphic you become immune to it, and it has to be more and more exaggerated to get a thrill out of it, if you watch it all the time. Those guys were already looking at some nasty stuff.

Funny enough... about 2 weeks later, one of the guys came to me and said that I was right. He said it had gone too far and he didn't like some of what he was seeing.

Now I understand your SS is 11, so you don't want to give him TOO MUCH info.... but I do think you guys need to shoot straight with him on SOME of it.

So in my opinion, if it were me, I would say to SS... You cannot look at this on my computer and I don't appreciate you LYING to us about it. And, porn does not depict how real women are all the time. So I hope that you understand what you are looking at. Maybe you should talk to your father and ask him questions if you have any.

And then dad give his son a little preview of "the talk"....

(( Hugs ))) I hope this helps a little....

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Nymh's picture

Thank you so much Stick, this is exactly what I was looking for. I am just afraid to make that first step and address it with SS because I think BF and BM will both adamantly feel that it is "not my place" since he is not my kid and all...

Thank you for responding, maybe we can talk more when you are back!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Nymh's picture

Oh and on the point you made about eventually becoming immune to it, you're absolutely right. We have a friend who has a ridiculously extensive porn collection. We're talking hundreds and hundreds of gigabytes of porn. Movies upon movies upon movies... He has watched so much porn for so long, he honestly can't be with a real woman! He has tried to have sex with girlfriends, even hired prostitutes but he just can't get it up. He ends up having to turn on porn just to get it up.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Nymh's picture

I know about the software and I know there's nothing we can do to stop him. That's not what this is about. I feel though that as parents we have an obligation to discuss important things with our children. Also, there are lots of scams out there that prey on people who look at porn which could potentially cost us a lot of money. He could be emailing pictures to his friends and get into trouble. He could look at the wrong website or talk to the wrong person in a chatroom and get busted by the authorities... the list goes on and on. I don't think that this should just be ignored since he is a boy, and boys will be boys. I have nothing against porn, I enjoy it myself, but an 11 year old kid is not old enough to understand things like respecting the female body, or the sanctity of a relationship, or that there are predators out there who may be looking for a young and innocent boy just like him to fall into their trap...

Like I said, I am afraid that the ONLY thing that BF and BM are going to do about this is put parental control software on their computers, and blow off actually talking to SS about it because "boys will be boys." However I feel that this is a crucial moment in his development that could be a turning point between a respectful and well-rounded young man, and a sneaky and devious brat and that it warrants some discussion with him.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

StepChicka's picture

You're not alone Nymh. I have the same problem in regards to BS. No one talks to him about these sorts of things. XH is in big time denial. DH has suggested that he would if it gets real out of hand. So far I've been the only one who talks to BS about girls, sex, drugs, masturbation, all that super fun stuff. Now I can't get the kid to stop asking questions...lol

StepChicka's picture

We had the same problem except it wasn't porn it was R-rated shows. My DH set up the computers so each of the kids have there own (restricted) desktop that's linked to ours as Administrators. It enables us to follow all history, browsers, block sites. We have our cable TV and their phones set up that way. Parental Controls are awesome.

stepmom2one's picture

It was your computer so I think you have a right to say something to him about it. I would put a new password on and let him know how dissapointed you are--then send him to DH for their talk.

Stick's picture

Nymh - I also forgot to add - please go and look at those sites that he went to so you and DH know exactly what it is he is looking at. If it's anything out of the ordinary - DH may need to talk to SS about that as well. Smile

How are you doin' today girl??

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Nymh's picture

I looked at the history, but now it's been so long that it's fallen off (over 3 weeks ago). But from the name of the websites, it was mostly hentai stuff (predictably), so I'm not too worried about the content of what he's looking at.

However, I definitely look at him differently now. Before, in my eyes he was an innocent kid. Now, I know that he knows what a woman looks like naked, and it makes me wonder if he thinks about me that way. Is that weird? I guess I need to just get over it.

I'm doin' good, btw Smile Thanks for asking and responding!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*