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Well, I finally got the nerve to tell him.

totallyexhausted's picture

I basically took everyones advice and put it together. Friday night when I got home from school we had afew beers (his for pleasure mine for courage) I told him that I was sorry I hadn't shown him the letter sooner but that he needed to read it. I had this whole speech prepared about how I support what ever decided to do, and unconditional love etc. etc. But he never said a word. Just went into the guest room and locked it... And stayed there all night. Sat. morning he was up at 7am makeing breakfast. Acting like bussiness as usual. I didn't bring it up all weekend. I know he needs to get this out as he is usually a very "let's talk" emotional guy. Do I wait for him to process everything or initiate. I know it hurt me to read. Granted the kid is a BM made sociopathe but believe it or not I do care for him.... So I just can't imagen what he is feelin...

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Milomom's picture

Totallyexhausted...forgive me for asking (I haven't been consistently on ST the past few days) - but is the letter you showed him the letter that said he wasn't really the biological father of your skid? OMG, if it is, I'm so sorry for what he (and you) will be going through - I am sure he is hurting.

I have never been through anything like this before and I can't imagine what he is going through & feeling. ((((Totally)))))) I imagine you are right on - he is probably processing everything & doesn't know HOW to react right now. It's kind of like the grieving process I imagine: devastation, anger, shock/numbness, denial, bargaining, acceptance, etc...

totallyexhausted's picture

Yes, that is what the letter was about... and believe me I know all about the grieveing process I work in a nurseing home... but I'm used to dealing with accepting the end of life not the end of life as you know it...

Excuses are tools of the foolish. They build monuments to nothingness and those who are masters of them are seldom good at anything else.

Milomom's picture

Totally, can you catch me up on the background again? I'm sure you already posted this, so I apologize. How old is his child (the one that he now knows actually isn't his, I mean)? Boy or girl? Is BM in the picture? If they were married, how long have they been divorced? Are you two married? How long have you been with him? Any other children in the picture? Does he pay CS to BM?

totallyexhausted's picture

No prob Milo. SS is 8. We have been together 3yrs married 2. They were married when ss was 1 1/2. they had another child that is 5 now but he found out she isn't his either when they divorced 4yrs ago. She is married to that childs father. And interseting tidbit. She forged My husbands Signature on the papers dealing with SS' on thier divorce papers.... but thats a whole other bag of chips...

Excuses are tools of the foolish. They build monuments to nothingness and those who are masters of them are seldom good at anything else.

totallyexhausted's picture

I should add that I am not apossed to him staying involved in SS' life. but I do want him to make a firm dicision either way. I had to watch him suffer through so much with the girl and it killed me to watch her use thatchild as leverage because she knew he wouldn't denie her... I just can't watch him go through that again

ChaiLatte's picture

It's going to take some time for him to come to terms with something this hurtful, but it really is best that he (and eventually the child) know the truth. Now the child's BD can get to know his child, and hopefully take care of his responsibilities. No more unhealthy emotional blackmail from BM. No more CS. As painful as this is for him right now, things will get better.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

StepChicka's picture

If the truth be told this is going to change the kids lives forever. All of your lives.

I know if your DH's name is on he birth certificate and has raised children since birth it won't matter if he's the biological father or not. The kids know him as dad so will the courts.

My heart goes out to you guys. Please keep all of us posted on this.

Karma_'s picture

I think let him have some room to process. Its not something he can come to terms with in a day or two, and yes he will definitely be grieving. I think pushing him to make a decision too soon will only make him resent you and you aren't the bad guy here. I think its great that you have told him you will support him with whatever he decides. Just give him the space to get to a decision in his own time.

totallyexhausted's picture

I'm not pushing him by any means but when he is ready to discuse everything I do want him to make a clear choice so thet we/he can figure out how to progress. I call her the "undaughter" because I have no other word for her. Before she was born, long before I was with my husband I , unfortunatly, knew that she was not his. BM put noone on the birth certifecate and him being young nieve & too trusting believed her when she said "don't worry about it your on it" his xbest friend is the father. when she served him with papers her name was on them as a "child born out of wedlock" but BM showed up with her every time she had a fight with her new husband begging him to watch her. He loved that baby so of course he would take her but it didnt take long for her to pull the "your not her dad" card if he wanted to see her so he knew he had to detatch which was hard for all of us (my BD's included)... In Tx (where we are) things have been changeing as far as cases like this are concerned. basically if you can prove that the BM decieved the man that is proven not to be the father then you have a case against her... but I don't know if thats how he wants to go or if he wants to just go on being dad. Either way I'm behind him.... either way I'm sure my sanity will be comprimised..... Either way thank God for this site to vent on...

Excuses are tools of the foolish. They build monuments to nothingness and those who are masters of them are seldom good at anything else.

StepChicka's picture

BM can't have both ways. If she's receiving CS for SD then DH has the rights of a father. If BM doesn't want to acknowledge or treat as a father then no CS for daughter. I still believe the court will side with you DH custody was challenged.