Just the start of the relationship
I am a SM and trying my hardest to get a handle on everything. I just got married and gained a SS who is almost 2. The BF and I only found out about him once we announced our engagement then oh surprise we got served papers for a DNA test that turned out he was his. Ok so first big thing to over come before we even got married and we both handled it well I think. The BM took us for child support and insurance and all that good stuff and then once we got married she is fighting for sole custody but letting us have some rights. We started mediation and ohh boy that was fun. I wasn't even allowed in the room since I have no say or anything to do with my SS according to the BM. The BF has done nothing wrong and since we found out we have both tried to be apart of my SS life as much as possible with what the BM will allow. Well once they got things figured out for the most part the next day she emails us asking for us to pay medical bills and my husband said no since we pay insurance and child support. She flipped out and is now demanding we go back to mediation. I am trying my hardest to play by her rules and be there but not be there but I know at times I am not handling it well at all since I fell she is walking all over us and just holding my SS over BF head to get what she wants. She even mad a comment about she doesn't even know why he got married because it won't last long. I freaked out when Bf told me this! BM was married and has another son. I understand that I have to play nice for my SS but sometimes it is just so hard not to say anything to her! I can only be alone with my SS for 4 hours if BF gets called into work when we have him. BM has stated that this will not change even when we have kids because my SS is only here to see his BF. This BM is going to drive me crazy and it's only the start of our relationship!!!
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urgh!!! good luck! you've
urgh!!! good luck! you've got a long road ahead of you. but it's all so new now so maybe things will calm down over time, I hope they do for you!
The best thing you and your
The best thing you and your DH can do right now is 1.) present a united front, and 2.) set some strict boundaries for BM immediately. She will ramp up the crazy at first, but as long as you both stick to your guns, she'll back off. The more your DH walks on eggshells with her, the worse it will get. I would also keep all contact to text and email, and let your DH be the one to deal with BM. You don't need to. Trust me, you'll loose your mind trying to deal with her.
As for mediation, if the mediator will allow it, your DH should ask that you be included since you are married and have a say in your home. If the mediator will not allow you to be present in the room (both parties must agree that you can be in there), then you can wait outside of the room or your DH can step out to call you. Before any agreements are made, your DH can tell the mediator that he needs to step out to discuss with you, his wife, prior to making the final agreement. This will also help with showing BM that you and your DH are a team. Imjusthere had a good suggestion, as well. Sit down together before mediation to figure out what you and your DH want to agree to regarding SS.
She will hold SS over your DH's head as long as he continues to jump when she says jump. Many of us here have dealt with that. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
The 4hr thing the BM is going
The 4hr thing the BM is going on fits first rights to refusal, and with it she is correct that if your DH is missing from the home for more than the 4hr she has the option of parenting time. As much as no one likes the thought of 'being told' how things will work in their own home, the BM is correct in that the child is there to visit his father, not the SM.
While I'm sure discovering that the then 2bDH had a previous child was quite the shock for both you and DH, the process that's happening now is pretty routine. DNA, setting CS and health insurance and hashing out an agreed to parenting plan for final CO. The CS in your state is pretty cut and dried, 20% of your DH's income (regardless of DH getting overnights blah blah). Because of the SS's age, daycare can/will also be a factor. Healthcare and daycare, along with left over medical bills, in Illinois are very often considered separately ...as much as your DH is not liking mediation unless he can afford a real good lawyer this is the route you want to be taking.
Frankly, you wanting to be included in mediation would be a natural feeling, but you'd be better served if you have discussions with your Dh of what it is he seeks prior to and inbetween meetings. There is no decision 'DH must agree/disagree to right this very minute during this meeting' and the 'I have to set out and confer with my wife' thing will go over like a lead balloon. If something is proposed by BM , DH will have plenty of chances to counter-offer and the last thing your Dh should want to be doing is giving the impression this is all about what his wife wants/thinks and not instead all about the child's best interest.
Being this BM waited almost two years before tracking down and testing your DH, my hunch is she had little choice. For example, she's not being able to support the child self sufficiently (without tax payer assistance) and in order to get some assistance she has to declare father and the state will expect him to do his father responsibility duties (aka CS, healthcare, daycare ect) to the tune of his incomes ability under the state's support guidelines/laws.
Once the financial and custodial issues are settled and a CO is in place, DH won't have to deal with this BM as much as he currently is. There will be exchanges for pick-up/drop-off and yes, he can lay out whether communication will be strictly by text, email blah blah. Actually he may want to get an agreement on a program like Family Wizard while they are still in the negotiations. If drama will be caused by exchanges, he wants to include the where and when and guidelines now of how those will take place. The more they can agree to now and not leave to chance, the less room for fighting and having to keep going back to court.
Thanks for all the good
Thanks for all the good advice! We believe part of why she came after DH was for money but then also that BM wanted DH to leave me for her. She has made several comments on our relationship. I am allowed in the second mediation meet for half of it or until I am asked to leave. We just got the draft of what will be decided lastnight and some of it i am in shock since it has rules against me but grandparents and all other family members have more rights and more to do with SS than I do. And BM put in the paper that SS can only call her mom and DH dad. I'm not trying to take her place by any means but when he is at our house I am mom#2... That's how it was for me growing up with my SF he was dad #2 and that's just how I was raised. But what happens when DH n I have a child SS will get confused a little and I don't want my child calling me by my name bc SS does. We have from the beginning shown BM that DH and I are a team and doing this together, BM just doesn't want to accept that yet.