You are here

Twisted like a Pretzel...Too many twists

ZipperKatz's picture

I am a 55 year old Mom of two grown sons and one grown stepdaughter. My husbands ex passed away when SD was 8 yrs. old.
They divorced shortly after a years marriage. EX was very jealous when I came into his life. She tried everything to make trouble. She made it next to impossible for us to see SD. She remarried and asked for her new husband to adopt SD...my DH eventually did sign with coaxing from Ex's family. We were given the impression that SD was not being told till she was 18, we assumed that we had absolutely no chance of ever having any type of visitation. We never told our sons about any of this, we felt they were too young to understand any of it.
BM divorced the second husband...she moved in with her parents. They lived 300 miles away, we never saw the SD at all. Her mother passed away when she was just 8, the grandparents fought the adopted father from having custody. They raised her. They moved back in our area when she started High school. Never ever did anyone tell us that SD knew about the adoption all along. No one ever sent photos or any information about SD. They basically continued to bad mouth us to her the same as her mother had.
So she is a grown adult now with 4 kids. We heard that she wanted to get to know us. I wrote to her & we met (1996) we discussed all of the past & we agreed to have contact to see if she thought she was ready or even wanted to have a relationship & if she thought she could like me or get along with me. Zipping ahead after that she moved away again & rarely contacted me, no reply to letters, unreturned phone messages but I continued to send gifts to her 2 sons she had then...I continued to try to create a bridge. She finally agreed to come to our house to meet her father by this time she had 2 other kids also.
She remained withdrawn...she did not play an active roll in trying to be a part of the family even after coaxing her, including her in MY families Christmas parties etc.
The last thing that has happened is that she got angry because I had asked her to come for her fathers 60th birthday & when she said she couldn't I asked her to please remember to send him a card as he has MS & multiple other health issues, I just wanted her to bond while we have time. She got angry & told me that she didn't love him, she didn't even feel like he was her father, maybe an uncle if that. She also was cursing about her brothers saying that she wasn't as smart as her f-ing brothers, she wasn't valedictorian like her f-ing brothers and on & on. I had not known she resented them so much. I know I am not her BM but I really, really tried to establish a caring relationship. I tried to invite her into our lives, I did for her exactly the same as I did for our sons on Christmas and much more than I ever did for them on a regular basis. I was not trying to buy her...I was trying to establish a Mom-Dad/Daughter relationship...bridging a gap that was there for 23 years. Her father is quite but he would do anything for her. He just is totally guilt ridden. I tried to call her several times & she won't answer her phone at Christmas this year I called from a new cell# & she answered & hung right up on me. I wanted to ask what we could get the grandkids for gifts. I left her husband a message on his cell & he called later that night & spoke to my DH...he told him that SD didn't want anything to do with us, that her & I didn't see eye to eye & couldn't get along & that he, DH never put any effort in the relationship that it was always me. He said she thought she wanted a relationship with us but she made a mistake, she did not want anything to do with us. But we could call the kids on THEIR personal cell phones. The grandkids have all grown up in the past 4 yrs. and we have missed all of it. Now they are distant with us. Before the phone conversation the grandkids had a really unique bonding with me...I don't think she liked that. I am still willing to try anything but am really not sure what or how.
Any good advise? If your comments are going to be mean I'd rather not even read them. Thanks!!

Comments

herewegoagain's picture

You're too nice...and I will stop at writing anything else...cause it will be mean, although not about you. Smile

ZipperKatz's picture

Thank you so much for replying. Not too many people would say what you have: I am constantly filed under the "Wicked Stepmom" whenever I have posted on this matter. So many people just jump right in and attack me...seriously why would I be looking for some helpfull advise if I were not sincere!! I sure have enough stress in my life without having strangers post nasty comments & pre-conditioned opinions about who I am because I happen to be a SM.

Thanks to you Smile for being able to see that.

oneoffour's picture

This woman has had to deal with her entire child/teenhood being a lie. A big fat self indulgent lie based on perceptions and misconstrued assumptions and downright ignorant self serving fibs.

She lost her mother and her grandparents continued the abuse and until she sees this for what it was and rediscovers herself I would keep away. Her perception is her stepmother made all the efforts to reconnect when there is no blood tie to you at all. Is there a reason her father/your Dh didn't work at a relationship himself and left it up to you? Is it due to his health issues?

I think, sadly, you tried too hard. So respect her wishes and step back. Keep in contact with cards for her birthday and Christmas. Include a token gift card for $20 if you can manage it.

I suspect that eventually she will come around. As she gets older she will work it out. However if it is too late for your husband, that is her cross to bear. In the end it is her loss to miss being part of such an accepting family.

ZipperKatz's picture

Hi & thanks for your advise. It is very much appreciated. Still at a loss but you have given me something to think about.

The Ice Queen's picture

I'm sorry to say, but from my own experience, I would suggest you stop wasting your time. I spent 9 years trying to build a relationship with my skids. While their mother has pretty much been non existent (she is not dead, but might as well been for the time that she took for her kids) I stepped in and tried to be constant, supportive, mother figure that they obviously need in their lives. Not because my husband asked me to. Because I genuinely care for these kids. The youngest is 18, he came to live with us at the age of 13 when his mother wanted him out of her house so she could move her 6th husband in. Though I spent all those years doing the motherly duties. It doesn't matter. His mother left 2 years ago and moved hundreds of miles away and didn't even bother to so much as call him before she left. And yet he hates me. Until they can come to terms with their own emotions and feelings about an absent parent (regardless of why the parent is absent) it's pointless. ANY relationship has to be a two way street. both parties have to willing.

ZipperKatz's picture

Hi...thanks for your insight. I am taking everyone's opinions into consideration. It really is hard to compete with a dead parents lies.

If she had not made her desire to know us known I'd have left things alone...I THOUGHT I was doing what was right & good for her BUT then we weren't what she wanted us to be I guess. Especially my DH...he just is not a confident outspoken person and I think I tried to be that bridge for all of us. It's really hard to throw all these years away...I care about her & our grandkids.
Thanks for your post.