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Suggestions on how to handle?

zerostepdrama's picture

Okay. I know I have talked about this before. But I need real legit advice. Remodel the bedroom isn't an option.

My SILs are FB friendly with BM. This bothers me not because BM is the ex but because she is a total bitch to me and DH and has said nasty things about my BS. She also is part of the reason why the skids hate me so much.

So because of this "relationship" I am bothered and feel a lack of loyalty from the SIL.

SILs are younger- so they were really around BM as kids and not as adults. So it's not like they have dealt with her on an adult level.

Whenever the SILs come and visit they always stay with us. They will see the skids during that time if DH makes a plan but if DH doesn't make a plan then they don't reach out to the skids to make plans themselves. Both SIL live 6+ hours away.

One of my SIL keeps talking about coming to YSD graduation. Not really sure why she is so obsessed about it. Especially because she is going to have a 3 year old and a newborn baby.

I don't plan on going to YSD graduation. DH will go but he will just go to the ceremony and that is it. I don't know this for a fact but that is what he has done for OSD and SS. I cant see him planning something for YSD for after the ceremony.

It seems like a waste for SIL to drive here and attend the graduation (which will be long and a PITA honestly because of how many kids are graduating) just to go to the ceremony and not even really see YSD.

So if she realizes this she may decide to not come.


She may try to hook up with YSD at BM's house or see if BM has anything planned that SIL can attend.

I am not okay with this.

If SIL wants to come and get a hotel room and go about her business that is fine. But I don't feel comfortable knowing she is going to be staying at our house but then socializing with BM.

DH will not understand how I am feeling. He will prefer to not think about the whole event until the day of.

He will also not really be happy if I tell his sister she can't stay with us if she plans on socializing with BM.

I also don't want to come across as the bitch. It's already out there that I am the bitch with issues with the girl skids and keeping them out of the house. I do have a good relationship with SIL and I would like to keep it that way.

I'd like to reach out to her and get a feel for her plans but I don't know the best language to use.

Off the top of my head I want to say something like "Hey just so you know, DH will probably only attend the ceremony and not do anything else that same day for YSD for graduation. What are your plans?"

But then I'm not sure what to say if she says something like she is going to follow up with BM and see what she is doing.

Because my response will be something like "Well I don't feel comfortable knowing you are going to BM's house/with BM and then back to our house, especially with the way that BM treats us. I know it's about YSD and her day but it's about loyalty as well."

I'm probably over thinking this but I want to get ahead of the game. DH and SIL won't have a real plan until that day. And I know I will be bothered by the situation and I want to prevent myself from blowing up and being a bitch.



zerostepdrama's picture

I know it's petty.

But I feel like we show people how to treat us and what is acceptable.

And in step life if you don't create boundaries and what not, then people will just walk all over you and your feelings.

I may be a little too "emotional" about this and this stance though because of the skid/BM issues that have nothing to do with SIL but it's how I feel.

And honestly I do feel like SIL isn't being loyal to me and DH by being friendly with BM. So I think that bothers me most. It makes me want to push away from her.

DaizyDuke's picture

You know I love you girl BUT I think you are WAY overthinking this. And I don't agree with the "loyalty" thing. While BM is an ass and has enjoyed making DH and your life miserable, she may not have ever done anything to SILs. If SILs have no issue with BM, it's not really yours or your DHs place to tell them that they should YKWIM?

Kind of like it pisses me off that MIL was buddy buddy with BM1... I'd come here and bitch about it, I'd bitch about it to DH, but I've never said anything to MIL about it because she's a grown woman, who am I to tell her who she can and can not be "friends" with?

zerostepdrama's picture

Right. I don't want to come across as controlling even though I am trying to control the situation.

I'm just afraid it's going to bother me so much if it does happen that I go into my bitchy/shut down mode.

So I picture it, she comes back and I just "ice her". I know me. :O

DaizyDuke's picture

...but maybe you will maybe you won't. So maybe SIL comes back and starts talking all about BM and how wonderful she is... THEN you can address it by saying "Meh, we don't like to talk about BM in this house" BUT maybe she comes back and says "BM is such a freaking trashy ho bag, you wouldn't believe what she was wearing! Let me show you a pic! AND she got drunk and made an ass out of herself and oh my Zero, you are a 100000% upgrade to that skank!!" Then you can say "haha that is why I didn't go and why I can't stand the woman".... and then you can come here and give US all the juicy gossip!

I have found the hard way..... that me obsessing over what MIGHT happen.. is wayyyyyy worse than just letting things happen. Because 99.8% of the time the "might happen" NEVER happens and I wasted all that time stewing about nothing! Sad

zerostepdrama's picture

Well if I don't obsess about this, then what will I obsess about?

I just don't want to hear or think about BM or even know she exists. ESPECIALLY after YSD's graduation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blum 3

Acratopotes's picture

pfff - let it go Zero.... SIL can spend the night even if she's most time with BM....

but I would be more concerned about who's going to babysit her kids..... now that's when I will say oh hell NO, take your brats with you I'm not your free hotel and nanny services....

DaizyDuke's picture

HA! I don't think staying with BM is an option since last I remember there are like 12 people living in a 2 bedroom apartment. And maybe she doesn't WANT to stay with BM.. I mean just because she is going to YSD graduation, doesn't mean she's a BM lover. It would be normal for her to want to stay with her brother it seems.

zerostepdrama's picture

That is why I don't get why she wants to come so bad???? Makes no sense. She's going to regret it honestly.

OSD graduated from the same HS as YSD and we had to walk like 15 minutes in the hot sun just to get into the building because of parking. Then sit there for like 2 hours. Then afterwards DH spoke to OSD for like 5 minutes, then we left.

zerostepdrama's picture


zerostepdrama's picture

I definitely will.

My BS is 11 and I am over those days of watching kids that aren't independent. On the rare occasion that I watch my great niece it's always super stressful because she's into everything. She's 1 1/2.

I will definitely not be spending my Saturday watching 2 little ones.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I'm more or less in a similar situation as you--MIL and BIL are very friendly with BM and they often go (without BIL's wife, btw but that's a whole other story) and stay at BM' house when they go visit SS. I would go above and beyond to help my BIL because he hates drama and only goes to see SS, he has no desire to socialize with BM and only does the bare minimum in terms of contacting BM (or so I feel.) MIL on the other hand stirs up a crapload of drama whenever she goes to visit so the only time she is allowed to step foot in my home is if we host a family function. Overnights, unless something catastrophic happened like her house burned down, would not be an option.

I think it's very tempting to go with the "loyalty" route but people can have relationships with those that you do not want to have a relationship with, and unless she's done something like tell BM about your house, I think you should let it go.

HOWEVER, I am not the kind of person who would host people who aren't related to me by blood unless it's for an important political function. I'd tell my DH he has to figure out the living arrangements, food, travel, and keep them company because it's his responsibility. If he can't do it then they need to find somewhere else to stay. Not your family, not your problem.

I implemented this rule and our visits to MIL and her visits to us decreased to less than 1/10 of what it originally was like because DH enjoyed it if he didn't have to work, but not if he did.

zerostepdrama's picture

I feel like with my SILs can't I just have a relationship with them and not have to worry about sharing them with BM???? Can't I just have that? Sad

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Unfortunately no. I mean if they have never caused any drama then I would let it go. The moment any drama is caused by them and their relationship with BM though--out the door of my life they go, and no matter how much they beg, they ain't coming back in because fool me once...

Also, I think the problem is that they bring the BM stuff back into your house with you. That's the problem. Like the sanctity of your home is ruined by the presence of the person you least want to talk and think about, but now SIL is in your face BM THIS BM THAT I WILL GO TO BMS ON THIS DAY etc. etc. etc.

Would drive me bonkers so I'd say no thanks.

hereiam's picture

I think you are going to just have to bite the bullet and not worry about what SIL does while in town, especially if your DH is not on the same page as you and you want to keep your decent relationship with SIL.

Look at it as a way to show SIL that you are NOT the bitch BM says you are. Telling her that she cannot stay there unless she agrees to your rules about who she socializes with while in town, is not going to do you any favors.

I know it's aggravating, though, and it feels like betrayal. Believe me, I get it.

zerostepdrama's picture

Well the skids are adults or almost adults so SIL really doesn't have to go through BM but I do get what you are saying.

I don't even really think that SIL wants to be friends with BM because she likes her but more to keep the peace and not have any conflict. Not sure if that makes me feel better or not.

BethAnne's picture

If it were me I would come up with a reason as to why she can't stay with you guys at all. Have some other guests over, it is a really busy time for you at work and you can't deal with guests etc. That saves bringing BM into it at all. Sil can make her own plans for accommodations if she still wants to come.

zerostepdrama's picture

I just don't think it's the best thing to do... if I don't want to come off as a bitch because I don't think DH will back me up on it. For him it's just his sister staying, he doesn't know what all goes into everything.

robin333's picture

I'm very similar Zero. I would think of this as an opportunity to show SIL what a classy lady you are. That or as HL suggested, mom and son weekend away.

zerostepdrama's picture

Goodness no! If I left the house then I have to risk DH inviting all the skids over and then I'd have to worry about their bad asses in my house.

Maxwell09's picture

Coming from someone who had mutual 'close' friends with BM, you only have two options: learn to accept your SIL's relationship with BM and that she may pass information back and forth as that's what friends do; or if you can't come to grips with their friendship then cut off SIL but understand that your DH will still have a relationship with her and you will be left alone to deal with avoiding her. All those "close" mutual friendships between me and BM have been reduced to just Facebook friends. It was easier since they aren't related to any of us. A lot of what you are stressing about boils down to not having control over the information and therefore the situation. You can't control everything in life and hardly ever anything in stepland so focus on you and what you can control--yourself and your child's exposure to SIL if you are that worried about it.

Maxwell09's picture

Just reminding myself "this isn't in my hands" helps sometimes. If I can't let it go I usually force myself to redo our budget or remodel my house via Pinterest.

zerostepdrama's picture

If BM wasn't so mean and hateful then I wouldn't have an issue with it. But I'm thinking how can his family be okay with her when they have seen first hand her being emotionally and verbally abusive to him? Makes me so frustrated.

zerostepdrama's picture

If BM was decent I wouldn't be so offended. I don't even know why SIL would even want to be around her and see her on FB... But everyone is right. I can't control it and it will really do more harm then good.

zerostepdrama's picture

Nope. Not watching any kids. Especially babies. I'm over that stage until I'm a grandma.

zerostepdrama's picture

Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions! Definitely feel better and don't want to come across as the crazy person!

zerostepdrama's picture

Yesterday I texted SIL about a card she sent thanking her. She said she is having a boy.

So I sent follow up text a few minutes ago, kind of hoping to open up the conversation. I'm taking everyone's advice but I think since I definitely had an "in" to get more information I wanted to take it.

I text- "When is your due date?" and she responds back with the due date which is one month before graduation. Seriously no idea why she thinks this is even a good idea but whatever.

I respond back: "Can't wait to meet him. We'll make a plan to come and visit you this summer so we can meet up." (She has no idea that I know that she is planning to come for YSD graduation.

She responds back: "I will be in town around YSD graduation so I should have him by then. LOL"

So I responded back:

"Awwww Okay! What's your plan for that? DH will probably just go to the ceremony FYI. It's a big pain in the ass because her school has so many graduates."

She hasn't responded yet.

zerostepdrama's picture

And to add on to this... I am a little annoyed that she hasn't even asked if we have plans that weekend. It's Memorial Day weekend. Of course any plans wouldn't be until after YSD ceremony but don't assume that we are open to take guests.

And I'm 99.9% sure she is expecting to stay at our house. If she has been planning to get a hotel then I will eat crow, but I really don't see her doing that.

zerostepdrama's picture

The ceremony starts at 9:30am. From what I know of her, she can't even get herself together at that time, let alone 2 kids, 1 being a baby. I can not see her and DH making it downtown to where the ceremony is on time. And the later they come, the worse the parking is going to be. We experienced it with OSD graduation. 15 minute walk. It was awful because I had heels on and it was hot.

I'm just not comfortable babysitting little kids and I am selfish with my time honestly.

Hellogoodbyemoon's picture

I feel for you girl. I also feel the same regarding my SD's BM and my husband's siblings. Loyalty is a big issue for me so i can identify with your feelints regarding yor SIL involvement with the BM, especially with the bad blood between you two. I just don't see a way to address this with SIL without causing a somewhat awkward situation. Yes, its petty, but thats YOUR home. Do whats going to make you comfortable.

Hellogoodbyemoon's picture

I feel for you girl. I also feel the same regarding my SD's BM and my husband's siblings. Loyalty is a big issue for me so i can identify with your feelints regarding yor SIL involvement with the BM, especially with the bad blood between you two. I just don't see a way to address this with SIL without causing a somewhat awkward situation. Yes, its petty, but thats YOUR home. Do whats going to make you comfortable.