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Is this rude? Speaking as a BM...

zerostepdrama's picture

My Ex and I have a decent relationship. We are cordial. I dont have to deal with him often, so it makes it easier for us to get along.

His mother- I am still friendly with. We are friends on FB. Since BS is with me majority of the time it allows her to see pics of BS and see how he is doing. It is her only grandchild. Sometimes she will call to talk to BS and her and I will conversate for a bit.

She was very supportive of me throughout my horrible relationship with Ex. I have no reason to hate this woman or be mean to her.

I come from a step family and everyone got/gets along. Everyone is cordial for the sake of the kids and because NO ONE wants to be mean or have drama if not needed. I am still friendly with my other exes and thier families, I am friendly with my step sisters mom and SD, etc.

Basically as long as you are nice to me, I am nice to you. Be a bitch (BM and skids) then we have a problem. Just because you are a ex or ex inlaw, etc or whatever doesn't mean I have to automatically hate you.

So BS recently went with my Ex and flew to see his mom in a different state. They had a connecting flight. DH and I were also traveling during this time.(driving)

So my ExMIL called me and asked if I had heard from my Ex because she had tried calling him and couldnt get through. She was basically wanting to confirm that they got to the airport with no issues and got on the plane, that they were running on time. She was going to be driving an hour to the aiport to pick them up.

Ex MIL knew I most likley had talked to my ex. I had asked Ex to send me a text when he got to airport, got to layover, etc. She knows I would be in the know of my son's travels to make sure all was good. She was basically calling ME because she couldn't get ahold of Ex and she assumed I probably talked to him. She just wanted to make sure they were on schedule.

Well while I am talking to her DH is yelling about how "Ex is a grown man. Why would you know what he is up to. Have her call him. He has nothing to do with us."

I was so embarrassed and annoyed. Ex MIL heard him and was like "is everything okay with DH".

I felt that DH was RUDE. He said that I shouldn't even be talking to Ex MIL. She shouldnt be calling me. My Ex is a grown man, that is who she should be dealing with.

Overall I feel bad that Ex MIL had to hear that. I am embarrassed that she probably thinks DH is an ass. But I am also mad at him. I feel that as long as MIL has been nice to me, I dont have to be mean back to her just because she is my Ex's mom.

Just because he has a F'd up relationship with BM and her family, doesn't mean that I have to with my Ex.

Thoughts on this? Am I wrong for thinking he is rude? Am I wrong to stay on friendly terms with my Ex MIL?


Mercury's picture

I'd take it as a wake up call. DH is obviously harboring resentments about your relationship with people associated with your ex. You don't have to be rude, but phone calls, texts, fb friends? I don't know, that would bother me a lot too.

Starla's picture

Well has your DH made any waves about this in the past? Not sure exactly where he stands or if he has control issues but his past experiences isn't the case for everybody and I don't think that it was necessary for him to make a scene out of it based on the information given above.

I will share this story with you for what its worth. I received an invite to my Ex nieces graduation party at SIL's place and my current DH was invited too. We knew my Ex DH was going to be there but we left on good terms. My DH and I went to this party, all of his family showed up and I was eager for my DH to meet my Ex MIL. We had a fun time at the party and so did his family. My Ex MIL and I have a great relationship and she once told me "you may be divorced to my son but that doesn't mean that your not family to us." Well yea it does mean that I'm no longer family but it was her way of saying that she still loves me and thinks of me as family divorced or not. BTW my Ex DH and I did not have any kids together either, so its not like there are any attached strings.

Only hearing your side of the story and not your DH's side, I honestly do not see what his problem is. If I were you, I would get to the root of the problem with your DH and go from there. Who knows maybe he's fearing future drama and only has his experiences to work with on food for thought. Lol hope I said that right...

Hennypenny's picture

First off, I think it is nice that you keep in contact with exMIL and share pictures and information about BS. I am sure there are plenty of primary custody BMs that would be happy to keep their children from the ex inlaws out of spite, which ends up hurting a lot of people, especially the kids.

She figured you would know because you would want updates on your son, so you are a good source. Seems fair to call and ask, and for you to respond with whatever you know. And to say if you hear from them again before their arrival you will tell them to call MIL. But if I was trapped in a car listening to DH talk to exMIL about his ex, I would probably be saying the same things he was saying, although more likely I would be mumbling them under my breath so it wouldn't be heard by MIL (letting her hear it was rude, I'd say.) The exDH should have kept everyone informed about what needed to know, but because he didn't you must have a conversation with his mother about his whereabouts. And DH is forced to listen to every damn word of it. That would annoy the hell out of me, I must say.

So I would say you are right to be mad at the rude comments he was letting MIL overhear. It was passive aggressive BS and never OK. BUT I would cut him some slack on being annoyed at having to be exposed in close quarters to your previous life like that. I'm guessing the Facebook postings and phone chats don't bother him because he doesn't have to be part of them. So continue to be nice to her, but also try to be sensitive to him and his desire to not hear discussions you have with you ex in laws about your ex or about anything that has to do with your time together as family.

zerostepdrama's picture

Thanks everyone for your input on this.

I plan on having a talk with DH about this.

ExMIL has came over to the house to drop off BS before and DH introduced himself to her and was friendly to her.

I do get it though about having to hear about my Ex, even if I feel it was a legit reason that ExMIL was calling me. I know I hate to hear conversations about BM.