Hi Z~

I am experiencing the same thing. I have a SD19 and SDstb13. They have lived with DH and I FT since BM died in 2013. God help me. I could have written your post above. I feel resentment all of the time and it's not a true reflection of who I am.....Or maybe THIS really IS who I am now. I hate it but I am dealing with this the best I can. I feel terrible guilt because I don't want to cook dinner for the family. My DH deserves dinner from me after a hard day's work, right? Last night I made dinner, and for the first time I told a little lie. I told DH my stomach was a little upset and I would eat something different, upstairs in my room. It's just not worth it to even sit at the same table with the skids because they both annoy the hell out of me.

DH just seems to think I'll keep coming around. I've disengaged now for a few weeks, since SDstb13 became a real pain in the ass earlier this month. Last night she said, "Oh! I showered Tuesday morning!...." All proud of herself. I replied, "That's good, but do you want a gold star or something?" I just don't give a shit anymore because I get NOTHING in return.

There are 26 days until school starts, probably 4 years until SD19 moves out and 10 years until SDstb13 moves out.

So, I'm patient and I just count the days until I can start to live MY life with MY DH again....in the meantime, I'm just trying to get through with these two morons under my roof who have no common sense and no respect for me.

~ Moon

These men are too lazy to parent their own kids. But we know that already. I can't tell you how many times I ask DH where SD19 is and he doesn't know if she's working or at class or.....I don't ask because I really care where she is but I ask, hoping that he'll take the hint that it's his responsibility to know where she is. Not happening. The men are so much more laid back and it goes right over their heads or between their ears.

~ Moon

My experience was also like many others -- I was cordial, and in the beginning really tried to make this work. But the SK's would have none of it, so I disengaged. I told DH that no longer would I be expected to give anything more than I got. If he wasn't here, they weren't here (there's some pretty wicked stories behind that). I told him I though it was reprehensible that he didn't expect at least basic manners from his children when addressing adults, regardless who it was... a simple hello, good bye, thank you, etc. And it shouldn't be any of those only AFTER I hear DH say "Hey, you need to say 'thank you' to B22"

I never asked DH what *I* could do. What I did ask was how *WE* could change the obviously dysfunctional dynamic, and it couldn't all be pinned on me. Communication and relationships are two way streets, and without 2 people working at it, it ain't gonna happen. So he either does something about it, or he accepts that I will consistently remove myself from their presence, and accept the fact that with their current behavior I don't particularly want them around. I would never welcome such disrespect in my household, and that goes for everyone, regardless of who's DNA they share. So... the outcome was I just ignored them. Period. And they ignored me. DH was too afraid to say anything to them, so nothing changed. However I will admit that within the past 6 months, one of the SK's has really warmed up to me, but the other one stands firm that I don't exist.

DH got a dose of reality recently, when one of his SK's (the one who still ignores me) had a blow out with BM and instantly called DH and said he wanted to move in with us. DH talked to me about it and I held my ground with a resounding NO. And I calmly laid out my rationale to DH: *YOU* have allowed this man-child to determine I do not exist for all these years, and have basically made it clear that I have no authority in my own home when it comes to him. NOW you expect ME to welcome him with open arms because he got into a pissing match with BM? He's not asking because he *WANTS* to live here, he's asking because he doesn't want to live with BM but doesn't have the life skills or money to move out on his own. Do you think he'll see me as an authority figure? What happens when you leave for work (at night) and he decides to take off? How will he fit into the dynamic of this household, where 2 other children (mine) have rules, expectations, and responsibilities? How do we fit HIM into the chore schedule? Who will consistently hold him to that?

No, DH, you laid the groundwork for a relationship between me and your kids to fail a long time ago. I love you, and am married to you, but at this point in time I bear NO RESPONSIBILITY to your children, who are now technically legal adults. If your son moves in here, it will be the end of our marriage. I was subjected to disrespect when they were coming here every weekend when they were younger, I will NOT have that in this house 24/7/365. You made the choice to not set them straight early on in our marriage and allowed them to disregard my presence in your life and made it clear that they held a higher place than me, all because you were being self-serving and didn't want to risk making them mad. Now it's my turn to make a self-serving decision, and the answer is NO. You made your bed, you lay in it. If you can't stand the thought of him having no where else to go, then you move out, get an apartment with him, and you and I will go our separate ways. But he will NOT live here.

NOW DH gets it. And even said he really didn't want SS moving in here.

I felt the exact same way. I told my DH that I can't keep putting me last on the list. I never got my magic wand in the mail and I'm in no way perfect, so quit expecting it. I will try my best, but it's gets OLD kiss ass to a kid who calls you a bitch b/c DH is scared of BM and scared that SD14 will say something. I'm over walking on egg shells. Our house isn't even bad! The damn kids are SPOILED badly. They get upset that we make them do home work and take showers. My advice is to find an outlet for you anger, like I did.

Your DH's answer reminds me of my DH's. Whenever I hit the boiling point, it was only me asking to sit and talk. How WE were going to fix or change the problem. I always got lame answers like be nice to them or I'll "try harder" or "I'll try and be more aware of the situation". Nothing changed.

So I changed the situation for me. I disengaged. I chose what I would be involved in. I expect respect. I am not mean to the skids. I don't tolerate the skids making my house into their BM's looking like a pigsty.

I only hope when the day comes I can express myself like B22!