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How has being a SP changed you?

zerostepdrama's picture

How has being a SP changed you?

What are the good?

The bad?

Emotionally, physcially, mentally, personality....


zerostepdrama's picture

The bad:

* It has made me more controlling of my household, because I feel like it's out of control at times. I have to share it with another adult who has a different agenda and different priorities then me.

* Less trusting in some ways of my DH. I can't trust him to do the right thing when it comes between us and the skids. In my head I see the "right" thing as what he should be doing. Yet he seems to do the opposite.

*Conflict- general stress, agurements, emotions regarding the skids. More conflict in my life then I am happy with. Trying to figure this one out.

The good:

*Seeing how NOT to parent and how I DONT want my kid to turn out, I have become a better parent to my BS8. Enforcing rules, manners, morals, how to be a good human being. Seeing what lazy parenting will do or PAS or disney parenting and doing the opposite of that.

Being a SP has been too emotionally exhausting. I wish I could have the DH without the skids. LOL. But each year does get better as I learn to adjust and compromise and make changes and partner with DH.

QueenBeau's picture

I was very impatient, and always had something to say. I still am to a certain extent, but I do think God makes everything happen for a reason. I love SD6 & she has changed me for the better. I do think I have become more patient and all around 'motherly' dealing with her for the past 2/3 years. Dealing with (or not dealing with) BM also has. It has taught me to turn the other cheek & completely ignore that skank, instead of smacking her across the mouth! Lol

Drac0's picture

The bad:

The Governor, Tyrion, Iago, Senator Palpatine, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, Magneto, Keyser Soze, and Lex Luther (from Smallville) are my role models now.

The good:

Evil still gets sex

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Tyrion isn't bad... in the traditional sense. You know the series has to be good when a pervy, lecherous, but charming midget is your favorite character.

new to this's picture

I used to be so confident and secure, now I am so insecure and jealous. Two things I hate in other people.

My husband has taught me more patience and perseverance which is the good things. But over all I don't like me anymore.

3familiesIn1's picture

I have learned to disengage and let things go more than I ever thought possible.

I have learned I have the inability to 'warm up to' a child(ren), which makes me sad.

I am realizing that to stay with my husband means to share only half of him from now until forever meaning my marriage will never be whole because I am not a part of nor likely every to be a part of his 'first family'

I have seen what being a strong parent has done for my children and they are seeing how me being a strong parent to them benefits them too even though they are only 14 and 9 today. They see clearly in front of their eyes how DH's permissive parenting effects their step siblings.

I am a disappointment to my mother because I cannot 'love' DH's children.

I am doing things I enjoy on my own because I enjoy them despite others not wanting to participate with me.

I do love my husband, even if I only share half his life.

toywas's picture

I have always been an extrovert – fun, life of the party, had many friends, etc., but since being married to DH for 10 years, I have slowly become an introvert. I lost a lot of my single friends. I have been very suspicious, angry, extremely insecure, accusing, jealous, cried ALOT, had many sleepless nights, the list can go on!

No one could say anything to help ease this “suffering” I was going through. DH – he witness it all but did nothing; in turn, I lost respect for him in many ways. Our once great sex life went down the drain; my attitude was “if you think that I’m going to have sex with you AFTER what your fuckin’ kids did to me and you did NOTHING – you’re stupid!”

Looking back these past 12 years (we were together 2 years before we were married), I realize I did everything possible to make his adult kids like / accept me – cooked, cleaned, pampered, bought and cooked their favorite foods, reminded DH when their birthdays and special events were, I even invited the ex-wife to my house, etc.
What did I get in return? I received so many knives embedded in my back, one SD set DH up on a date when we were engaged, never received an acknowledgment on my birthday, and you get the wonderful opportunity to listen to all the stories of “DH and mom …” My gifts were Trailer Park Trash, a Fart Game, and a container of prunes (yes prunes!). They hated me so much that they even forgot DH’s birthday, he never gets a Father’s Day card or call, and even gets the cheap dollar store Christmas gifts (remember – these are ADULT SKs!)

I have had more arguments/fights with my DH than with anyone in my entire life! I thought divorce was my only answer. My thinking was – this was NOT my problem, not MY family, and I sure as hell didn’t sign up for this shit when I said I do!

Then I found StepTalk, and I realized that OMG I am not alone in this world!

I purposely kept that can of prunes in my cupboard for 3 years. I wanted DH to wrap and give those to the same SS that gave them to me for his birthday and Christmas, and DH refused. Again, more respect lost and no sex. How can you actually had sex with someone when you no longer have respect for them?

It was a personal revelation to through those prunes out – I threw out all the bullshit! Through ST, I learned to disengage; it took a long time, but I finally did it. Now years later, I find that I no longer have patience for bullshit and I take people at their word for face value. I am more bold in my opinions and what I want and expect.

I became extremely protective of my home, my animals, our business, and what DH and I worked so hard together for. Because of the way the SKs have treated me all these years, I find it very hard to trust and give my all. I now have no problem calling the SKs on the carpet for their rude behavior simply because I don’t wait for DH to say anything. I will NOT pick up after them or their kids. DH does all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning; I do nothing for them anymore! I don’t allow SKs to come into my home and think they’re going to treat me like shit because 1) I tell DH ahead of time, and 2) I make sure if DH doesn’t tell them, I meet them outside the door and tell them myself (they all bring their dogs when they visit!) I was raised that when you go into someone’s house (and it didn’t matter who’s house it was) you respected that person and their house; apparently, my SKs and I are from a DIFFERENT generation!

My DH knows I will not divorce him unless he cheats or physically abuses me, and he knows he would be one sorry SOB if he ever did! My DH knows never to compare me with the “golden egg” – I am not nor will ever like her!!

I never encourage anyone to marry someone that already has a family because I believe their life will be a living hell until rules are finally established and everyone knows where they stand. When someone tells me they’re getting married, my first response is “does he have kids? If so, don’t do it!!!” I have done these a couple times in front of DH and the SKs (the shocked look on their faces was priceless!)

I know I love my DH and I know he loves me. He now knows that all my buttons have been pushed and there’s no going back for me to be once-pushover. I recently told DH that his kids are NOT my kids so therefore, I won’t put up with their bullshit anymore. That “pressure” is off my shoulders now; it’s back on DHs where it should always have been. And our marriage is now very strong and our sex life is great! His SKs may call me a bitch, but I say (and this is what matters the most) I say I will NOT allow you to fuckin’ hurt me no more!

My favorite song is by Whitney Houston “I look to you;” this song relates everything to me that is important! I played this song on youtube for DH a couple times and made him listen, not only to the song but to the meaning. And it really helped a lot!

toywas's picture

This is the first Christmas holiday that I have been really happy. My DH asked me a little while ago "why are you so happy?" and I said "because this is my holiday and your kids are YOUR family not mine!" TOTAL SILENCE!

Yes, I'm still happy!

Thank you ST!!!

whatwasithinkin's picture

Good: I have learned to step back and let the world around me function with out interference.

Good:I have learned that I cant fix broken and I am not going to beat myself up for failing to do so and I am also not trying to fix broken anymore.

Good: I have learned that I cant care about and love my stepchildren more then their parents. If their parents arent willing to step up and parent there isnt much I can do to change it.

The bad: I lost mad respect for my DH that I dont think I will ever be able to regain although I am trying hard to get past it.

Bad: Also I have taken his kid (SD17) back 3 times now, I have learned there will never NEVER be another time. Nor do I want anything to do with SD outside of Hello and Goodbye. I dont care if she is hurt in a hospital, I dont care if she has babies that are DH grandchildren. I dont care if she has to live on the street. I dont care frankly if I ever see her again.
I frankly just dont care and am void of all feelings for SD17. She has a mother let her deal with that shit

To end on a positive: Good: I have learned that my SD14 loves, respects and cares for me and my girls. And that frankly she agrees with SD17 not being in my house and told me it was one of the best things I could do was to make sure her toxic sister left. Apparently SD14 cant stand her either. So it is good to know I am not a complete SM failure