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Hard to take DH's as a Parent seriously

zerostepdrama's picture

I find it hard to take DH as a parent seriously. He is what I refer to as a "half ass parent."

I think because I dont take his roll as a parent seriously I am more apt to dismiss the kids and dismiss that he is an acutal father.

No matter how much I dont like the skids, I always support his need/want for a relationship with them. BUT I dont take what he is doing very seriously.

I understand that people parent differently. What works for me, may not work for him. How he and BM operated their family, may have been normal for them, but for me I think WTF :?

I know when DH and BM were together, married for 16 years, they spent actually more time SEPERATED then actually married. And a lot of times during those seperations DH would basically run away. He would go to another state that he had family/friends in and he would go and work there. That is how he ended up in the same state as me. Running away from BM.

I havent asked nor has DH offered a lot of details regarding his relationship with BM and the times he was out of the picture. But what I know, DH was guilty of being a runner and BM was guilty of being so unbearable DH ran away from the skids. (No excuse for that, but we all know what a crazy BM can do.)

I dont feel that DH puts the skids ahead of him. I feel that he feels as long as he is there financially then he is doing his job as a parent. As long as he "shows up" every once in awhile, he has done his job. Because that is what he has known.

DH grew up in a VERY bad way. Think worse of the worse and then times it by 100. So DH didnt really grow up knowing what a family looked like. I think that carried over into his marriage to BM. On top of DH's past, they married young and had 4 kids within 7 years. I dont think BM really showed DH how a family was supposed to be nor pushed the issue. I dont think either pushed the other to be a better parent, etc. Epic fail if you ask me.

Since my BS's dad is semi out of the picture, I am the parent that does EVERYTHING. Every single decision falls on me. I am always "on" as a mom.

Now I dont feel like MOTY and like I deserve some medal. I do what I need to do to support my son financially, emotionally, physcially, whatever it may be. He's my kid, so it comes naturally to me. I know I have given up SO MUCH to always make sure my BS has what he needs and wants.

But because DH and I are such extreme opposites, when he decides to "parent" his kids, and it affects me in a way I'm not cool with (either me being selfish or not) I'm almost offended.

Like Ooohhh you want to be an acutal parent now and I'm suppose to support you or I am suppose to accomdate you with that.

I am lucky in that I dont have to see the skids very often. DH doesnt spend a lot of time with them and when he does its outside the house.

But as more time goes on, it's almost like a joke to me.

Like Oh you are going to "parent" today? I guess because I dont really see him day to day parenting or more involved in YSD's school or day to day life, I almost find it as a joke.

Now if SS needs help with his car, DH is there. IF MSD needs DH to help with something at her apartment, he is there.

What really got me thinking this is that on Wednesday last week YSD calls and wants DH to go to her choir concert on Friday. DH talks to her, acts like he is possibly going to go.

I felt like saying to him, Why even get her hopes up? You know you aren't going to go. You probably wouldnt even go on a weekend, but I know for a fact you aren't going to go on a Friday evening after working all week. Fridays its like he is dead to the world.

Of course he didnt go. He sat in the basement watching tv.


zerostepdrama's picture

Respect for him as a parent I have lost. I dont think I ever really had it though.

His parenting style, I do try to understand. I do realize that he hasnt had to be the parent 100% for whatever reason, while I have had to be the parent 100% of the time. So when I think about him as a parent, I do try to take these things into consideration. We are extreme opposite.

But it's not just how he "available" he is as a parent or how he is actually parenting, its also seeing the outcome of his parenting and seeing all the b.s that the skids have done and that DH has been "okay" with.

Cover1W's picture

DP had an unusual childhood, not much parenting happened as he transitioned to a pre-teen. His sister confirmed this with me and she also attributes it to him not knowing how to handle older kids/pre-teens. I think he was a great dad when it was easier: food, clothing, shelter, love and learning basics. But the nuances they have to learn now seem just beyond him sometimes.
I have to remember this when discussing SDs with him - and take it slow.

Just cutting him off from my help would be disastrous I know; but the slow withdrawal is working. Little things are getting better which means good for me AND him.