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Together for over 6 years and asked about my family for the first time.

Zenmode's picture

Saw grown skids last weekend.  A couple of things occurred that made me kinda just shake my head in amusement. After being with their dad over six years it occurred to one of them how little they know about me in fact how little all of them know about me and I was asked about my family of origin and if we are "close" I have 6 siblings and nope we aren't, any other questions? 

 Then I was told I should plan a family camping trip, because the last one I hosted 3 years ago was "so much fun" it was only fun for everyone BUT me because I was the camp slave, literally I did everything, from food to every damn thing including games, these are adults with their own children and they literally left their children's entertainment up to me. I wanted to give the same answer "nope we aren't close" what makes that so amusing is I overheard the conversation amongst themselves "we should go camping" and someone said "we should get Zen to plan one" then I was included in the conversation. hahahahaha good luck with that one kiddos. Never again. 


JRI's picture

Zen, don't even give camping with them one single thought, I know you wont.  Regarding the delay in interest about your family, we have to remind ourselves that they just don't care.  It's weird because most of us have interest in our SK's lives but we are inconvenient non-entities to them.

I am having guilt nowadays because of the nonchalant way I treated my step-dad.  We had a contentious relationship as I was growing up but thankfully grew a little closer in the later years.  But I seldom, if ever, asked about his past.  I was too wrapped up in me.

Maybe their questions about your family indicate some oncoming maturity.



Zenmode's picture

I think it may have been prompted by my DH's brothers visiting and them knowing more about me the few times we've all gotten together than the skids. I wonder if one of the brothers asked the one that brought it up something about me and they had no idea or it was just passing curiosity. This SD has been inserting herself a bit more and was actually offended when we spent one on one with DH's brothers one afternoon that she wasn't invited. She WAS invited to every thing else the 3-4 days they were here. She let her dad know it too that she would have liked to come that day and he just said "I wanted some time with my brothers since I haven't seen them since before COVID, do you have a problem with that?" They live in a vacation community and the SD does go visit them, yet she felt entitled to every moment of their visit. So much enmeshment. 

CLove's picture

Id plan a trip without these entitled skids. Something SUPER fun.

Skids over here, will ask in passing, but not about MY family. They can barely muster interest in their own family.

Aniki's picture

"...because the last one I hosted 3 years ago was "so much fun" it was only fun for everyone BUT me because I was the camp slave, literally I did everything, from food to every damn thing including games..."

Yeah, right. It was so much fun because you were bending over backwards and forwards and sideways. How much fun was that for YOU?  Sounds kinda sucky and not-so-fun to me... 

"...I overheard the conversation amongst themselves "we should go camping" and someone said "we should get Zen to plan one" ..."

They want you to to plan it because you obviously excel at planning. But I think they also want you to revise your role as camp slave and do everything. How about "No"? Biggrin

Zenmode's picture

is to turn it right back on them. I say things like "oh yes! Let's do that!" And just like them I have zero intention of doing xyz, and you know what? If I don't pursue it nothing will be planned.  Or I have began telling them " I'm so busy YOU plan it and fill us in on the details and we for sure will be there" steptalk has helped me be ok setting those boundaries. That it's OK to not bend over backwards for people that really don't want a meaningful relationship with you. Just be yourself and engage when you feel like it. I am much much happier in my life not worrying about my lack of relationship with them. I do still need to work on not falling for the "niceties" when they do occur. I'm a very literal person, I don't say things I don't mean and I've always struggled with reading to much into peoples words that are just something to say for them yet I take to heart. It's a curse. 

advice.only2's picture

What a perfect response, you aren't shutting them down, but you also aren't volunteering to do the heavy lifting.

CLove's picture

With your boundaries Biggrin

Yeah, ive been super super bland also with SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin. When we were chit chatting at dinner and she made a comment "I did really well in school" I was radio silent. NADA from me. And I am making my plans and doing my own thing and not a worry about doing anything with her. I even told Husband "look, Im really tired of struggling over WHO is going to do the dishes each and every time...!"

We need these boundaries. So much less stress. NOW, you plan for YOU.


Aniki's picture

Zen, like you, I don't say things I don't mean and it's a struggle for me, too. 

I used to be the one who planned every work gathering: Christmas lunch, Thanksgiving potluck, camping/canoe trip... If I didn't plan it, it didn't happen. I learned to be okay with NOT volunteerting and things NOT happening. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Have fun with this. #fakecamping  #oopsnobugspray #oopsitattractsbears  LOL then dont show up.

Seriously they complemented you on your stellar planning, shame their assholeish behavior will never experience it again.

Merry's picture

Here's what my skids know about me: I have more money than DH.

Ok, ok, I'm being snarky. Neither one of them asks us for money. SD never has. SS hasn't since he's been sober and gotten his life together. But there are sometimes financial undercurrents in the conversation, which I happily ignore.

One or the other skid has occasionally talked about taking a trip with us. Usually it's to the town where they grew up. You can guess how eager I am to spend time in their wallow, but DH can go if he wants to. Plans are never made, he never wants to. Totally not my concern.

Zenmode's picture

This SD also continually brings up taking a "family" vacation at least once a year. She's also job hunting at least once a year as well so of course it would be during one of her out of work phases so that DH can pay for it but so far it hasn't happened in the six+ years I've been with DH LOL. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

"I charge $150 an hour to plan events, but given how much I care about family, I'll give you the family rate of $300 an hour."

SacrificialLamb's picture

My SDs only ask questions about things that they perceive they can turn into gossip.  You can see the look of disappointment on their faces when they realize they struck out and that my family and I are just normal humans.