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Excuses excuses, I need some!

Zenmode's picture

How do you avoid the get togethers? Especially when they are invited over. DH has booked up the next few weekends with dinners and breakfasts that he would like to host at our home with his kids and grown grandkids and I am soooooo not feeling it.

Any way out, or am I stuck? I guess I should note that in the past I (like most women) have been the team lead on those things whether it's been his kids or mine invited over. I've started "letting" him do it now when it's his "family" but to be honest we haven't done much the last year and I have gotten used to it! I wish I didn't even have to be here when they come over more and more lately.

I easily get out of it when it's an outing such as a restaurant  by saying "go spend some one on one with your family, enjoy" ;) 

 Got any tips for legit sounding excuses when it's at our house? 


ESMOD's picture

Right now.. Covid is a great excuse.  No group get togethers in the home until ALL participants have been vaccinated?

You could also talk about limiting "In Home" visits...he can go out with his kids a few times...

As for excuses... if you have friends and family.. that is exactly when you have been invited to visit .

futurobrillante99's picture

I would tell him you're not up for all that much socializing especially with the virus, etc.

Suggest that he visit them and get take out food for their convenience.

But, tell him honestly, you're not feeling up to hosting people at the house, but he's free to do all the cleaning and cooking, and you'll make yourself busy out of the house so they can have their family time.

I guarandamnteeyou he wants YOU to do the hostess work (cooking and cleaning). Nope

Gimlet's picture

It's so true that women are usually at the core of these types of activities, and so interesting that people don't get that.  Like how did you people think all that shit was getting done before?  Well-timed meals, preferences considered, etc. 

If DH is doing it, you might get some day old doughnuts, lol, and then they wonder why they aren't getting invited over when they are jerks to the person doing all of the work for their benefit, or why that person is leaving the home when they do come over.

Zenmode's picture

He was the primary care giver they certainly ARE used to him waiting hand and foot on them. To be honest I feel like he often goes overboard. For instance not one dessert for all, but three different ones to choose from so that they have selection! I am definitely not that way. I am a better "chef" than him for sure but like you both say why waste my energy on people who expect that treatment because daddy raised them to. I love my DH one of the things I so love and appreciate about him is that very generosity that I feel is taken for granted by his own family. 

Gimlet's picture

I like what the others wrote above.  I would not be comfortable with a bunch of people in my home right now.

Is an excuse your only option?  Personally, I would rather be direct about it, although that is easier with DH's other family than OSS, but I've just told him that OSS isn't interested in seeing me and that the time should be focused on their relationship and not surface-level posturing like it is with me.

I do not host people (or cook for them) who don't appreciate my effort.  It's been a good 3 years since we've invited his family over, not because they are banned but because I refuse to coordinate and DH won't do it.  If your DH wants to do it, in my opinion that's on him and doesn't require your active participation. 

If he gets butthurt about that, perhaps you can find a happy medium of other things to do (errands, volunteer work, taking a long walk), maybe saying hello on your way out the door, and letting him know that he's free to enjoy his time with his family.

Zenmode's picture

Especially with the OSS, the one who called and gloated to us about catching COVID from "zens family" I wish the COVID excuse was still usable, we've all had it now and the others have been vaccinated. They've laid a weird guilt trip on their dad about the past (mostly untrue things) and he STILL guiltily making things up to them. This OSS has been awful. DH may have forgiven him for the horrible things he's said to him the last year but I haven't forgotten and want very little to do with him especially. DH knows or at least suspects. I agree just being upfront is how I usually am but the latest drama with them and seeing DH act the fool in literally pandering  to them to make it up is not something I want to be around to witness. I think you are right though if it really ends up being the next three weekends I'm not up to it, even if it was my own kids I get burned out. 

Gimlet's picture

It's unfortunate that he's still dancing to that tune. 

You are your own person, though, and you get to set your own boundaries.  His foolishness shouldn't be your problem.  I know that is easier said than done, since you have to live with him and his emotional exhaust pollutes your air too, but to the extent that you can minimize your contact with these people and their bullshit, I would do that.

You owe no one your inner peace and mental health.  If he insists on hosting them, I would insist on making myself scarce.  And don't lift a damn finger for any of it.

((hugs)).  You're a good person and I can't imagine seeing the finish line with all of this and then having grown adults demand penance from their parent for imagined slights.  Gross.

Zenmode's picture

I do pat myself on the back for setting some really strong boundaries right out of the shoot 6 years ago when we were dating. 3 years into being married I relaxed them a little bit and once we moved into our marital home I began to put more effort into building a real relationship with each of them, for two years I really made that a focus because they paid a lot of lip service to that and I believed it. Actions speak louder than words for me and I began to see the writing on the wall 2019 then 2020 was the clincher of realizing no matter what I did to facilitate bonding, I was just dads wife and they were not looking to add to their friend circle and they were takers and not givers, in fact they seem to take more after their mother than father.  Fair enough, I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Funny how it seems once I began to detach and stopped chasing them for their dads and my "benefit" the post 30 year divorce issues rears its head. Honestly I think they had gotten so used to daddyOs life revolving around them it took a few years for them to realize that it no longer does. I can only imagine how it would be had we not had the boundaries I set and our years together making each other our main priority. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Why is he planning THREE WEEKENDS of activities with them? Why isn't one meal enough?

Steppedonnomore's picture

Did your DH issue invitations without your knowledge or input?  If so, the easy way out is to tell him to enjoy "his" gathering and make your own plans to be elsewhere. 

Zenmode's picture

Nothing solid, he usually will run it by me. He's in a weird guilt trip mode with his kids lately. Unlike any I've ever experienced with him in the 6 years we've been together. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Anyplace you have been wanting to go for a few days? I would plan it the same time as the get together.