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Zenmode's Blog

Off topic-ish; Broken Harts.

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So I'm on a documentary binge thing. I watched the documentary about this family and the murder/suicide of the children and parents. What really struck me and I see it often with people on social media was the portrayal of themselves to the public. On social media platforms it appeared to be an idealized situation. While the truth is far from it. From the article shared

I helped DH make it a great Father’s Day. For his kids.

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Yep. DH planned and executed his own Father's Day brunch. I adore this man so of course helped. I can't/won't get into details but it was not a celebration of DH it was a celebration of OSS. So weird. Let's hope we get back to the status quo of not planning anything in honor asap. 

Together for over 6 years and asked about my family for the first time.

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Saw grown skids last weekend.  A couple of things occurred that made me kinda just shake my head in amusement. After being with their dad over six years it occurred to one of them how little they know about me in fact how little all of them know about me and I was asked about my family of origin and if we are "close" I have 6 siblings and nope we aren't, any other questions? 

Working on staying disengaged is not always easy.

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I admit it, I am working on not asking any questions about them, unless it directly involves me or our home. Because asking =interest and involment and they (grown skids) have made it clear they aren't really interested in any sort of relationship with me unless it benefits them. Meaning "what can you do for me?" of course this is not asked but is a given because of my and DH's giving natures. I naturally just THINK of others as in "oh you're going to be seeing so and so? Here let me send some fresh baked bread" that then never gets acknowledged and I wonder why I bothered.

Long post about adult steps and disengagement.

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I have really changed my interactions with the adult skids over the last year and a half. I now refer to my step life in the prepandemic phase vs post pandemic.  I had made the decision to step back pre pandemic, then March came along  and helped facilitate that and so my disengagement has only become obvious to the skids in the last six months or so. 

Things that have changed with adult skids.

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1. I'm no longer in group texts that include bio mom. In fact I'm no longer in group texts at all. Which suits me just fine. When I realized that there was no desire to form anything other than a superficial relationship I ceased sending any initiated by myself. They all soon followed with not including me. I consider this a Win and confirmation that my desire to have a meaningful connection with them was not reciprocated. Took me over 2 years to realize. 


OT. Uncle passed. Estranged from family.

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This might make me sound like a horrible person.  So, my toxic narcissist mothers brother passed away. Although I loved him when I was a child, I have not seen him or the majority of my biological family in nearly ten years, pretty much since the last funeral, for another uncle, I am close with that cousin.  My mother is in her 80's I have had zero relationship with her for nearly 20 years.