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A good step-parent vs. a bad step-parent.

zazzery's picture

I'm not a stepmother, but my husband is my children's stepfather.

Someone asked me what I considered to be a good stepparent vs. a bad one.

A good stepparent genuinely loves his or her stepkids. Does she feel bad sometimes that she isn't the first to have had a child with her partner? Absolutely - that's normal. Resenting the stepkids for that: not normal. Resenting a birth parent due to their behavior? Again, absolutely normal! Making the children aware of your feelings of said birth parent: not normal.

I've read a lot of the blogs here in the past few days, and it still makes me tremendously sad to read some of the venom some folks have for their step kids. Especially the younger ones. Why become a step parent if you don't like kids?

However, I will say that some of the blogs express genuine frustration at impossible situations. I definitely understand that - sometimes husbands/wives and birth parents and even step kids can act badly, and that's frustrating.

Again I'll say: i'm not a troll. I don't have any bio information because, quite frankly, I don't know how to do it.

Any more questions? Feel free to ask.

Comments

cc01's picture

How are you one to judge "good" vs "bad" if you are not even a stepparent yourself?
No experience, no right to judge.
If you've never walked the walk, what gives you a right to talk the talk?
But hey, you're allowed to say and think whatever you want.
So am I, and that's my opinion.

zazzery's picture

Hmm. No one said you can't vent or even voice your opinion. What I said is to be careful about resenting the step kids of the situation - they, for the most part, are the innocent ones.

skylarksms's picture

Except when PASing BM turns them into her little spies!

Where's Auteur?? Her skid shitting all over their house was something an "innocent child" will do, right?? Don't ALL children do that???

zazzery's picture

I don't know what PAS means - and if a kid is pooping all over the house, they need to go into some form of counseling STAT! THat's what I mean - so many of these kids show classic signs of emotional problems. We should be helping them. (again, every case is different and what works for one might not work for the other.)

skylarksms's picture

PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome. A common tactic used by bio-parents who cannot deal with the fact that the other parent has moved on.

aggravated1's picture

How does the OP, that claims to have so much knowledge about step-parenting not know what PAS is?

Also, I find it insanely funny that the criteria for a "good" stepmom, according to the OP, is loving your stepkids. I consider myself a good stepmother for the fact I haven't stomped their whiney, deceitful, manipulative asses into the ground.
Hell, I deserve a freaking award.

twopines's picture

Yes, the fact that SD26 is still walking with both kneecaps intact is testimony to my loving and forgiving nature.

liks's picture

Oh yeah the counselling thing...that's perfect for the little turds...cos that means they have proof of how your marriage has turned them into whack jobs...and if our marriage cld be ended..then they will become normal again...and who pays for this play at attention grabbing bullshit???

liks's picture

- oh but then there is the crap that says....'if only dad would take us where we wanna go, or buy us what we want....then we would behave'
:jawdrop:

cc01's picture

You never said to be careful, you CLEARLY laid down YOUR judgement of a good vs. bad stepparent.
If you've never walked in a SM's shoes, how can you sit there and judge what some of these people do is WRONG?

Maybe some people have real issues on treating skids a certain way, and are "venomous", but maybe some of these people have repressed anger and their resentments on the skids are rooted from this anger, and they don't know how to handle these emotions.

The goal of this site is to HELP fellow stepparents, not to point fingers.

JMO

Hatecopycats's picture

Well by your description I'm a bad step parents, and I'll wear that badge with honor !!! I don't like step kids at all and yes I blame the bio parents.

Any more questions????

uncommon's picture

Bio parents (and non-parents) judge other people's parenting all the time. Not always fairly, but it's hardly uncommon to judge.

skylarksms's picture

You can also turn this question around...why have a child if you aren't willing to parent? (YES, I AM TALKING TO YOU BM)

Oh I forgot - the CS MONEY!

zazzery's picture

Don't get me wrong here - there are bad bio parents (though I can't imagine anyone having a child for possible child support, that seems silly and risky to say the very least..CS is oftentimes not very much money.)

ANd that is a good question. Why have a kid if you are going to use it to hurt the other parent? I don't know the answer.

aggravated1's picture

"though I can't imagine anyone having a child for possible child support"

OMG. You must live in la-la land. LOL

zazzery's picture

You're right, I must. I don't get child support from my kids' dad, so I can't imagine someone creating another human life just for a measley check!

aggravated1's picture

Then you are very naive when it comes to other people.

DH's ex specifically told me she had SD because 1) DH wanted a divorce and it would make him stay and 2) she wouldn't get enough child support for one kid to live off of without working. Nice, huh?

steppingitup's picture

Believe it. I live it every day. They are neglected, but she still asks for the money, and then goes tanning and gets her hair done...but she can't afford clean socks for an 8 year old. Right.
P.S Having a life while throwing $500 a month at a lazy tramp who doesn't work is hard, not watching a check show up for doing nothing, that's easy.

skylarksms's picture

How many couples do you know that have/had an OOPS baby to attempt to save their marriage (may be one-sided)?

There is little incentive for a woman in this situation to NOT attempt to get pregnant. Worst case scenerio, they get divorced and bio-dad has to pay CS.

And while CS may not be very much, in some cases it is quite a bit. I know more than one case where the mother doesn't work but collects CS! Also, CS doesn't count for income for the custodial parent so they get tax breaks, can apply for all sorts of assistance...and generally be (in some cases) better off than the father is, financially!

In our case, there were two skids who lived with the BM. My H pays CS. BM has never worked FT in her life (while my H and I BOTH work FT). BUT YET - BM had a new 5 bedroom house (while we bought a 3 bedroom fixer-upper) and a new car (our newest was 17 years older than BMs).

Where else but in the wonderful world of CS can two adults (working FT) and a child (working PT) be worse off financially than a BM (not working) and TWO kids (not working)?

liks's picture

Its so hard to deal with skids who resent u marrying their father...whose BM tells them to misbehave when in our company, who say insulting things to their father and I which u know has been put their from their BM...its hard to wanna be around children who have been told by their BM that u are a slut and that your father only married that women for sex and she for his money and the kids not only believe it but wanna believe it!

And I just wanna hide and throw up when they are around me!

liks's picture

When I went to stay at someones house as a child....my mother used to say to me...to 'behave yourself' and 'make sure you help around the house - offer to do some house work etc', 'make sure you eat what they give you and say thank you etc', make sure you do what mrs or mr tell you to do' BE NICE .... etc...

Unfortunately too many of the biological parents these days use their children to make their exes new life miserable. And too many of these DH dont see it...and too many of these DH are still having their life ran by their exes when it comes to their kids....

I hate it and im reconsidering my marriage because of it....

Auteur's picture

"When I went to stay at someones house as a child....my mother used to say to me...to 'behave yourself' and 'make sure you help around the house - offer to do some house work etc', 'make sure you eat what they give you and say thank you etc', make sure you do what mrs or mr tell you to do' BE NICE .... etc..."

BINGO!!!

I was told this all the time. Today's poor, poooooooooooor, pitiful CODs (children of divorce) TM

are told:

1. you don't have to listen to your dad or SM

2. you shouldn't have to do any tiny little chores they give you

3. visitation should be a 3 ring circus 24/7 entertainment and all about you; dad should turn into your slave for the weekend and SM should just disappear (the ghost that orders pizza; props to Maux)

4. you shouldn't have to do anything you don't FEEL like doing (showering, brushing teeth, combing hair, etc)

5. if you don't like something daddy is doing, call your best friend, mommykins and together we will file a CPS report against that swine and his whore.

Then when daddykins DOES fall into this disney trap, the BM is angry and jealous that the skids "had a good time at daddy's" so then she further escalates the alienation techniques.

Catch 22.

BSgoinon's picture

I see a litte room to judge, since her kids have a StepDAD. Her husband is a stepparent, she can judge how he is doing as a Step, and have a little insight to the step parenting world. She is not a step parent, but is a member of a blended family.

I guess all I can say is, every situation is different. And no one reacts 100% perfectly to 100% of situations 100% of the time. There are some evil step parents, just as there are evil BM's... it takes all kinds I suppose. I also think that an ideal step parent may vary from house to house. There may be an absent or distructive parent in the picture that requires the Step parent to step up and take more of a role in the kids lives, and there may be a very active and responsible bioparent. Ya just never know...

hismineandours's picture

Perhaps she totally backs her hubby in his parenting role (or he just does exactly what she likes) and there is no crazy ex causing issues in the background. Perhaps her children are fairly normal, average children OR perhaps her hubby is here on steptalk venting himself and is just a superb actor in the home.

I do not love my ss. I don't hate him either. I do like children-I have 3 of my own and I work with a signifcant amount of kids. I had no idea what i was getting into-ss was 1 when I met dh-not much more than a cute, cuddly baby. I dont really have a problem with his bm-have more so in the past, but pretty smooth sailing for years now. I am not a big fan necessarily I just dont much care about her one way or another. I DO have a problem with my ss as he is rude, aggressive, smelly, annoying, oppositional. I raised him in my home until he was 9. I KNOW that he knows right from wrong (it just doesnt apply to him), I KNOW he knows proper hygiene, I KNOW he can do homework and get good grades, and I KNOW he has manners and knows how to be respectful. He was taught all of these things and can still utilize them whenever convenient for him. Howevr, it is extremely rare that it is ever convenient for him to utilize these around me or my kids. It makes him an extremely unpleasant person to be around. At 13 I believe he is old enough to remove his head from ass and behave appropriately.

zazzery's picture

I should clarify - my husband does vent when it comes to being a stepparent - he doesn't feel like me and my ex-h view him as an equal parenting figure - and he has a point. We're in family counseling for it, actually.

And I think all 13 year olds stink to high heaven Wink

steppingitup's picture

The CS money is right,skylarksms. Horrible but true.
'If you dont like kids why become a step parent?" Is a valid point but so is this: if you aren't grown up enough to deal with a new mate for your ex and a new person in your child's life then STAY MARRIED.
BM's almost always feel entitled to THEIR happiness and move on, but are shocked when the other adults in the situation move on as well.
I am a step mother as well as a step child and guess what - I wasn't always innocent. I should have been brought up a short a couple of times.
Many BM's resent us because we are usually younger, better looking, and have more options because we played our cards better. They take it all out on us more often than not. They seem to forget that getting knocked up is not an accomplishment - being a good parent is something else.
To have a boat load of sh*t thrown in our laps as a bonus for being with the man we love is often hard to take. This is a safe place to vent, and often venting isn't pretty....

bioandstep2009's picture

"A good stepparent genuinely loves his or her stepkids"... Disagree with that opinion. Love for a stepchild is not automatic and if it doesn't ever happen, doesn't make the stepparent a bad stepparent. Just my opinion...

briarmommy's picture

Ok your not a stepparent, so why are you on a website that says in its title, where stepparents come to vent? We all deal with prejudice over our stepparent title every were else we go, this is our site to vent and get it out, its a vent, so yes it is more vocal then anything we would ever actually do half the time but we need to get it out. So if you don't like what we say GO AWAY, you are not a stepparent.....you have no reason to be here.

zazzery's picture

I was pointed here by another website - I searched for stepparent support for my husband, and just started commenting

briarmommy's picture

Well then your husband should come here for support and you should go wherever bm's who want to judge people go, so I don't know out in the real world offline, because they seem to do it everywhere. We want opinions thats why we come on here, but we don't want judgements, most off your comments seem to judge the poster, that is not what we need and that is not why we are here. Send your husband our way let him express himself with people who understand what he is going through, you don't and unless you suddenly get a stepkid you won't it is a different kettle of fish.

Hatecopycats's picture

Seriously, you have no idea about other peoples lives on here. Not trying to be mean, but it's quite possible your husband feels the same way about your kids as we feel about our husband's kids.......

Things that make you go hmmmmmm,.......

Unfreakingreal's picture

Im both a Bio and a Step. I don't particularly like kids. How I managed to have 3 of my own I'll never begin to comprehend. I think my dislike for kids came from my own children growing up and just being difficult kids to deal with. If it wasn't one thing it was another. You feel as if nothing you do is ever enough, they go thru these awful stages and you wonder what's the damn point? Maybe because I am older now I am able to appreciate all the stages in a different way. I was a teen mom and at 41 have a 25 y/o, 22 y/o and a 13 y/o. Plus 2 Skids 18 and 10. My Skids aren't BAD kids per say but the mom is just such an awful human being. She spent the last 10 years telling her kids that their dad didn't do anything for them and that he spends all his money on me & that's why they don't have everything they need. She neglected to tell them that every month she got a nice 1000.00 check in the mail for them. She neglected to tell them that their dad would call incessantly and that she'd never answer the calls. She neglected to tell them that the reason they are under court order for visitation is because she refused to let him see them. What that created was 2 kids that play their parents against one another. DH is anxious to show them how much he loves them so he buys them everything they want whether they deserve it or not. BM does everything in her power to undermine our marriage and uses her children as pawns in her twisted games. What I can tell you is that being a SM is much more complex than what you see from the outside. We try and parent someone else's child with no reward. We take a back seat to these kids wants, needs & demands because we love our husbands and want to make our marriages work. We count the years and hope they go by quickly so we can get our husbands back & try and save whatever is left of our union. I think painting us all with the good/bad step brush is a little judgmental.

twopines's picture

Submitted by zazzery on Thu, 06/02/2011 - 9:07am
>>A good stepparent genuinely loves his or her stepkids.<<

Then according to you, I'm not a good stepparent. I'm good with that.

Now that we have that out of the way, the world can move on.

manicmom's picture

Go figure, but I agree with zazzery... There are a lot of angry and bitter people on this website. I don't blame you (or me) because I'm angry and bitter too...but I'm still able to get my head out of my own ass and own that! I do not like my SD15, I do not like the things that she does, I do not like the impact it has on my family, but what zazzery was trying to do was offer a bit of advice to help = not judge. Just because she doesn't have a horrible situation doesn't make her unqualified...in fact, it makes her QUALIFIED to offer opinions and advice. She's got it figured out and it sounds like her DH has it figured out too. It's people like her that we need on this site! Don't be so mean and nasty to someone who may just have a good and positive head on their shoulders. She hasn't even done anything to you and you're cruel and ready to fight - I can only imagine how some of you are at home to the really bad skids who do truly bad things to you every day.

My advice for the day, call 800/A-FAMILY (232-6459) weekdays between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. (MT) and ask to talk to a counselor. It's free.

caregiver1127's picture

She does not have it figured out - she is the bio mom so why the hell would she know how to do it like a stepparent and if you notice there are not alot of step dads on here - she was judging plain and simple and if she has it so figured out why is she on this site??? No one needs to call that number for advice - but maybe the BM's should and then most of us would not be on this site - but thanks for your advice manicmom

aggravated1's picture

Oh, please. She is not a Stepmom, so she does not know how a stepmom feels. Once again, just because you SAY you know how to fly a rocket, and just because you THINK you know how to fly a rocket, does not make you a freaking astronaut.

Now, in the interest if trying to figure out WHY you think she is qualified, please give me some examples, other than she can string words together to form whole sentences.

skylarksms's picture

OUR BM thinks she is qualified to be a psychiatrist, a doctor AND a lawyer!!

Of course Z is going to have a similar high opinion of herself.

It's called Holier Than Thou Syndrome!

anyha's picture

Thanks for the number manicmom. I know a few people who could use some free counseling. (i'm not being sarcastic either Smile )

Shaman29's picture

In your discolored vision, I guess I'm A BAD STEP-PARENT.

I do not LIKE or LOVE DH's child. She has been nothing but a HUGE pain in my ass for the last three years. So have both of her parents.

Shaman29's picture

Question. If you're NOT a step-parent then why are you on this board? Is it just to stir up trouble? Then you've accomplished your goal.

Would you mind going away now? We horrible steps would like a place to vent without someone like you judging us.

aggravated1's picture

She is here for her husband, who is a stepdad. And maybe can't work a computer. I don't know.

Snowflake's picture

I have a few questions for you. Do your kids have their biodad in thier life? Why would you want the stepdad to love your kids like thier father, when they have a father? Is biodad remarried and how do you rate stepmom? Does SHE love your kids like you do? Does she do the things that you do for them - and if she does, does she get any support from you for being a great and incredible woman?

If biodad is not involved in the kids lives - then why? How did you find your new husband - did you fall in love with him because he could provide for you and your kids or (god forbid!!!) did you fall in love with him for him?

I really hate this package deal crap that people put out there. When you had kids with biodad, then why didn't YOU love them enough to make it work? Why did that package deal not work with thier own father. Why did y0u need to find a substitute dad?

Yme's picture

ZAZZZZZERY: Do YOU feel the NEED to set us WICKED STEP PARENTS straight? YOU are apparently a FABUOLUS BioMom who has a PERFECT child who could NEVER EVER cause YOUR DH a second of greif or one grey hair!!!!! You said YOU were here lirking for YOUR HUSBAND.....DUHHHHHH Ladies...LAZZZZZERY is here SEARCHING for the post HER DH is posting on ST about HER Bio Kid!!!!!!!!
LIRK AWAY ZAZZZZZZERY......MAYBE YOU WILL FIND THE POSTS YOUR DH IS POSTING ABOUT YOUR LIL ANGEL.......Like the one's we REAL StepParents are posting about the BM's (YOU) their Spawn (your Lil Angel) that cause us daily pain and heart ache....all for just trying to PARENT another's persons kid who has been TAUGHT by the BITTER Bio that THEY (the skid) have NO accountability and are entitled to have their a$$es kissed and be allowed to treat their SP any ole way........The Entitled Generation...we should never question the cause...It's a BM just like this poster!!!!!!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD Luck ZAZZZZZERY.....HOPE YOU find the truth about how NASTY your Lil Angel is to your POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR DH.......DH doesnt stand a chance....hope HE packs and runs......

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

I disagree with a couple of those points. A good step parent doesn't always have to genuinely love their step child. Not all people are capable of that. That is not abnormal. I would say providing for and helping to raise the child is whats really important. And I do believe it is very common and normal for step parents to at some point resent the child. It isn't something we enjoy or purposely set out to do, it just happens. I don't think you should speak on this matter until you become a step parent yourself.

on the fence's picture

Being a good sparent is a chemical reaction. It all depends on the acidity of the skids and BM and the level of inert gassses in the DH. Depends on what you have to work with.

manicmom's picture

All good points iwlass! Love has to develop over time, and the baggage and issues and past have to be dealt with so that this can happen. It's not the instant "birth moment" love we have for bio kids, but I definitely have developed a love for SD13 b/c she's a good kid and we've worked though any issues that were blocking our relationship. SD15 just has a lot of issues and her disfunctional relationship with DH makes it worse.

Maybe we need to look more into the advice from foster and adoptive parents on how they develop a love for non-bio kids. I'm pretty sure it starts with the "pastoral care" that you mentioned. We love our own kids when they do horrible things, it's just more difficult to love someone else's kids when they do horrible things.

I used to tell DS12 that I would love him "always and forever, no matter what" and he would say horrible things that he could do, and want to know if that would make me stop loving him - I would say "that wouldn't matter, I'd still love you"... Even in jail, he asked - yes. Even if I ran away, he asked - yes... So my hope is that over time, a similar type of love can develop with the skids. It make take more time for that to work with SD15 than with SD13, but my hope is that it will come.