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Kids of your own? - A bit off topic...

young_step_mom's picture

Quick background info:  I've been married 8.5 years, SS is 11, and I'm getting close to 30.

Last night DH brought up having kids.  I have always thought I would have kids someday, we've discussed it in the hypothetical for a while but always sort of "in the future," but last night DH said we should start trying.  Since we moved away from SS, I have been less interested in having kids.  Maybe because when we lived in the same town we did a lot of "kid" stuff so if we were to have had kids they would have just fit.  Now, we do so much more "adult" stuff, plus we really don't have that responsibility on the daily, it's WONDERFUL!  It seems like SUCH a huge change now and even just thinking about how to move things around to accomodate a kid seems like such a hassle!  I'm up for a promotion at work (**keep your fingers crossed for me, this is my DREAM JOB**) so I told DH we should discuss it later, when I find out about it.  I also mentioned that he is going to court to see about CS soon and he wants to open up his own practice (he's a vet) and it just doesn't seem like the right time financially.  He said if I wanted to I would always find a reason not to have a kid and that we never know what might happen tomorrow and if I was waiting for some kind of "guarantee" I would be waiting forever, but he did agree to wait to hear about my promotion which I should find out about within the next four months. 

I guess I just want to hear from you guys if any of you felt this way?  Let me also mention that although I have always wanted kids I am not exactly a kid-person. I don't gush whenever I see a baby (now puppies, THOSE are cute as hell!) and I am not overly fond of my nieces/nephews.  Not really sure if this is a phase or just because I'm under so much stress right now.  How did you guys know it was time????


SteppedOut's picture

It sounds like you really aren't ready. If you get the promotion, your dream job, will you be ready to take 6 weeks or more off after just getting the promotion?  I say wait until you WANT a baby.


hereiam's picture

Haha! Well, I always knew that it WASN'T time. I have never wanted kids, at least as soon as I realized that I didn't have to, just because I am female. When I was young, I thought I wanted kids but it turns out, I really didn't.

I got my tubes cut and burned at 30, am now 52, and have NO regrets. Being an aunt is good enough for me. And even then, once they are not cute babies or toddlers anymore, I lose interest!

beebeel's picture

I wanted a baby BADLY at ages 29, 30, 31...the stars didn't align for my DH until I was 34. I waited for what felt like forever and when he finally gave me the green light? I began to doubt if I was ready.

I too enjoyed our adult only time. I knew what a huge responsibility it was and that scared the hell out of me. Two seconds after I finally gave birth after 36 hours in labor I was terrified that I made the biggest mistake of my life... And two seconds after that I felt the most love I have ever had for anyone flow out of me into this little pudge ball of purple flesh.

I've always thought those people who make the decision to have kids so easily haven't really thought it through lol. 

It's Okay to have doubts. Anyone who says they never doubted the timing or their finances or how they will adapt to parenthood ...well like I said, I don't believe they've thought about these things very long lol. 

The only regret I have is waiting so long to have my son. Being pregnant at 34 sucks a bag a dicks. It is hard. My body still hasn't fully recovered. I would go back and have him at age 29/30 in a heartbeat.

young_step_mom's picture

This I exactly how I feel, like I've been the one really contemplating it and DH has been giving excuses and now that he is ready I'm the one having doubts! Thanks for your words, I guess I just wanted to know that other people have doubts too.

elkclan's picture

I'm not a BABY person and I never have been. Unfortunately I did NOT get that gush of love when my BS was born, I had a really hard L&D and I was exhausted and frankly on eggshells waiting for his dad to let me down. My son was born when I was 37. It was a pretty hard recovery. Anyway, even though I didn't get that 'gush of love' - I decided in the first hour I had him back at home that I wouldn't bash myself for it, I would just 'fake it til ya make it' I would act as if I loved him, including the cooing and petting and all that stuff that other people seem to do. I don't know when I started to love him really... but sometime in the first month or so. And I would challenge anyone to say I love him any less than any mother loves her son, it's fierce and primal.

As to your 'life' - well, yes, your life as you knew it IS ruined for a while especially if you are not a natural baby person. Not gonna lie. But your expectations change and you enjoy different things and as they get a bit older you get more of your 'adult' time back. 

And my experience with not getting that hormonal rush of love has really helped me adjust to step-parenting. Are my stepkids annoying. Oh yes. Are they weird? Oh yes. But I remembered my time with my BS and decided that I would treat them as if I loved them - I would allow myself to get annoyed, but I'd be like "Oh SS..." just as I do with my BS (who is a similar age and a similar level of weirdness if I'm honest). And now I do. It's different, of course, and one of the things that worried me is that if I did love them that I might lose them if I have no rights. But I trust my partner and I think he'd still let me see them fairly regularly even if we split (no signs of splits on the horizon!)


young_step_mom's picture

I wish I could like your comment more than once, thank you for your honesty.  I definitely worry about bonding with the baby and if those maternal instincts that some women are just born with will kick in for me.

Evil3's picture

When I first married DH, I decided that I didn't want kids, because my Disney parented, enmeshed, clingy, manipulative SKs turned me off. I thought if that was what kids are like forget it. I got pregnant and I do not regret it all all. My DD recently turned 18 and I'm so thrilled that I had her. I too had a career that I loved and was considering not having kids due to my career, but when my DD came along, I changed careers and had no regrets whatsoever. Maybe ask yourself why you are hesitant on having kids. Having a bio is not anything like having SKs. It's totally different. How well behaved or not are your SKs? If you are burnt out from high-maintenance SKs, that might be why you're not interested in having kids right now. Or maybe you just need a break. You have plenty of time. A friend of mine had her first at 45. You do not have to rush in this day and age when a lot of women are deciding on having kids much later than they used to.

young_step_mom's picture

I definitely feel like my SS has been a been factor in not wanting my own kids.  I feel like he has turned me off to kids in some ways.  When I would see him misbehave or be extra clingy with DH or throw tantrums or just genrally misbehave, it just made me think kids were all the more difficult.  I think it doesn't help that I never really got all that close with my SS, I mean I like him well enough but I don't love him like I do my husband or sisters or even especially close friends.  I never saw him through rose-colored glasses and all his "cute" kid things were just annoying to me.