BM invited to SO's parents 50th wedding anniversary but some of my kids are not...I don't want to go anymore. Is that petty?
SO's parents will have been married 50 years this summer. Due to his dad having lung cancer they have changed location and scaled their party back. My two oldest children (both adults 18&19) have been cut from the guest list, but BM has not. I was already feeling uneasy about BM being there in the first place, and now my kids are cut from the list? Oh and I forgot to say, that my DD's birthday is the same weekend and we had moved her plans to the following weekend to accommodate everyone going to their party. I don't feel right making a scene in light of the circumstances with his father, but I really don't want to go to a party where my kids are less important that BM. Am I being petty?
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I'm pretty sure (but I could
I'm pretty sure (but I could be wrong) but do your kids even care if they go? I know when i was that age, i wouldn't want to be at a grandparent event and would love to find a way out of it.
I know as a mama, you want your kids included in everything, but try and be the bigger person. MIL and FIL are going through a hard time and they have chosen who they want there.
My kids don't care at all.
My kids don't care at all. They didn't want to go in the first place but were being polite about it. BUT I didn't want to go as soon as I found out BM would be there. I certainly do not belong anywhere my family is not welcome. And since they announced they were limiting the list to family only, they have pretty much stated that my kids are not family and BM is. Fuck them.
I'm trying to give them the
I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe they didn't invite kids?
"they announced they were limiting the list to family only, they have pretty much stated that my kids are not family and BM is. Fuck them"
This alone would really bother me and I'd ask DH to discuss it with his parents. Do the kids still live with you? I know from experience that once kids move out, they sometimes get left off of invites OR alternately it is just assumed that they are invited also.
Maybe just have DH call to clarify and then express his (your shared) opinion based on what he learns.
They have invited all the
They have invited all the grandkids, including SD20, who is SO's former step but he raised her since she was 3.
One of my girls is out on her own. The other was on her own but has temporarily returned as of yesterday for a couple of months between apartments.
My son is still invited. He is only 13.
Their BS of "only family" is
Their BS of "only family" is exactly that BS. BM is NO LONGER FAMILY. I say F#$%$#5ck them all and their shitty manners.
If the OP isn't married to
If the OP isn't married to this guy, she and her kids technically aren't his/"inlaws" family either. So the OP and her kids are just as much "family" to these people as bm is. If we're going to talk about who's "family," let's be honest.
Maybe so....but SO is the
Maybe so....but SO is the only child who lives in the same state as his parents. So he and I have been the only ones available to help them as they age. I do errands when they can't. I visit when they are in the hospital. I make sure his dad eats when his mom is out of town. I do it all. My daughter who is uninvited went and cleaned their house every other week when his mom had a knee replacement. This is just a slap in the face really.
I'm sorry, I didn't know that
I'm sorry, I didn't know that part. Yeah, that was rude of them. Your kids can and should be taking that into consideration if these people ever ask them to do things for them again.
Oh hell, my DH would not go
Oh hell, my DH would not go to the party if BM were invited, lol.
I personally would not go.
^this. He'd tell whoever it
^this. He'd tell whoever it was to go eff themselves, and he had almost said it to his own other.
The party was originally
The party was originally being thrown by the children in the state where they all grew up. Due to the lung cancer, SO's dad can't travel so party was initially canceled. Then his mom got together with her friends and came up with this new plan here.
I agree with step off. It
I agree with step off. It also depends on how long SOs parents have known your kids. Have they spent a lot of time around your kids?
If your kids don't seem to care, I'd follow their lead on that. They may not be close with your SO's parents anyway.
We have been together for 5
We have been together for 5 years and we all live in the same town, so they know each other well.
That is wrong and
That is wrong and disrespectful and having ANY freaking disease does not excuse their poor manners and behavior. I would tell them to take a hike and not show up.
I say - don't go! If BM is a
I say - don't go! If BM is a priority then you don't go!
You haven't answered what
You haven't answered what your SO thinks about all this, I'm curious, if he has a problem with it or not?
SO will not go if I don't.
SO will not go if I don't. But he thinks I should forgive them cause his dad is sick.
To me this is about
To me this is about supporting your SO. His Dad could die. Celebrating his parents marriage seems like a big deal for him in that context. This is a non issue for your grown up children, who don't care whether they go or not. And SO's parents probably knew that would be the case if they're not close. I absolutely understand the dread and resentment involved in attending any event with BM there. It's frustrating that they still feel the need to include BM in this way. But I would base my decision on how important this is to your SO, because it's the two of you that are the primary concern. It's devastating to find out that your parent or sibling has cancer. If his father is ill and it will cause SO more stress and upset to have you back out because of BM, then I would bite the bullet and go.
I think they probably invited
I think they probably invited BM because her kids (their bio-grandchildren) will be there. Your older children were not even living with you at the time of the scale down. They invited your son because he is still in the home and because you will be there.
I don't know how much exposure you've had to cancer, but it is devastating, not only to the person that has it, but the people that have to stand by and watch them go through chemo and radiation. The suffering is very hard to watch. By the time the person gets to that last appointment for the chemo and radiation treatments, they wish they were dead already. For the most part, they are. The person they were is dead.
So, I say girl up and stop sweating the small stuff. This man is dying and he should be able to enjoy his 50th anniversary without the petty drama.
I just think that it isn't
I just think that it isn't always about "you"(generally speaking)None of the current wives has to interact with the ex. I think if you're secure in your relationship, this would not matter.
My Ex visited my dad in the hospital when he was going through his first bout of cancer. I thought that was very considerate of him. We were together for 12 years. Just because our marriage ended (badly I might add)it didn't mean he had to end his relationship with my family or they him.
My current husband's ex-wife still visits with my husband's family. They have children together. I don't have a problem with this. Neither of us associate with the other, but I don't begrudge her relationship with her children's grandparents, aunts and uncles. They were married 16 years.
I truly believe if the OP poo poos this and her husband winds up not attending because of this, he will harbor bad feelings about it. It will become water under the bridge. Eventually the water rises and it floods.
This is not a hill to die on.
i would go and absolutely
i would go and absolutely DARE my dh to speak to bm. she may be family to THEM, but she is NOT my dh's and my family. she is the ENEMY and we'd totally ignore her presence. if bm attends, it just shows what a low-life scum she is and not able to move on.
I am very close friends with
I am very close friends with my brother's ex wife. Nephew's BM. My parents stayed close with her too after the divorce. Even went out of state to visit her several times.
BUT - we did not invite her to my parents' 50th anniversary party. And we invited the world - second cousin's children. And everyone came - many from out of state. It was a grand party.
But all of us managed to have enough brain power to realize that inviting my brother's ex WAS NOT APPROPRIATE on any level. I can't imagine being so crass as to invite BM but then not invite my step nephew and step niece. Not in a zillion years could I have been that horrible.
And I can't get over inviting one of the siblings but not the older two. These people have no class or brains.
Yes cancer is bad. My mother was dying of it when we had our celebration too. But we did not use that as an excuse to be rude and obnoxious.
Whether you go or not is your choice - go with your own gut instincts. The party is not the issue - these people have sent a strong message that you and yours are worth nothing to them. Remember that when they come wanting your help and assistance. I am sure you will be able to find others more worthy of your time and effort.
Well, I'll tell ya, my
Well, I'll tell ya, my adoptive parents pulled some similar shit and didn't invite DH's kids to the holidays at their house. Our circumstances were a little different, but the bottom line is, we're a group deal, and we back each other up. I told my adoptive mother one time that what she was doing wasn't acceptable within our family, and that if we weren't all invited, we wouldn't be attending at all. The next time she extended an invite to only my bio kids but none of the adults. We RSVPd NO and haven't been invited again. It caused a family fall out.
If this were my family, DH would RSVP NO. The other children would RSVP NO. I would RSVP NO. And if it ever came up, I'd explain politely why.
^^^^^^^^^^^^i REALLY like
^^^^^^^^^^^^i REALLY like this. i do have to put in there that there may be some bias because you are not married. some people don't see this as long-term. was your so married to bm?
I think you make a very
I think you make a very strong point that this decision could have long term repercussions for OP's relationship with SO and his family and cause long standing resentment and alienation. If they have been pleasant and welcoming to OP, but struggle to draw a line under their relationship with BM then maybe they're just an old couple who don't really understand how things are supposed to work after divorce. The specific family dynamic and behaviour is very important to this decision.
Not going is also basically enabling BM to take OP's place and allowing her presence to exclude OP from an important family gathering. If the OP wants to be a close member of her SO's family, and for her children to be included also, then refusing to go to a very significant party under these circumstances, and for SO to back out also, will completely shoot herself in the foot and may never be forgiven. If SO's father dies, BM is probably going to be at the funeral too. Is OP going to refuse to go to the funeral because she is there? How welcome will OP be at the funeral if she has snubbed his parents at this time?
I have wrestled with this exact problem with my DH's ex for 10 years. DH's family still chit chat happily to her whenever they see her, a couple of them will visit her to see the children when they are in town. There are long standing historical reasons why they still choose to maintain contact occasionally. DH and BM were together 17 years, from the age of 18. They have all known each other nearly 30 years now. Their children and those of DH's siblings are close, their children still consider her to be an auntie. Nobody can go around and tell all these people that they are no longer allowed to have anything to do with BM because she and DH got divorced. They are all nice to me, they have always been pleasant and welcoming, they just don't want to shut the door on BM. Last month it was my DH's brothers funeral. BM was there, all day. I wish it were different, I dislike BM intensely, her presence made me uncomfortable and I wish DH's family didn't feel the need to be quite so pleasant to her. But it is what it is and some events are so important that you just have to do the right thing.
This is what I would probably
This is what I would probably do.
First off I would let SO know how I feel about them inviting BM and not your children that have helped his parents out in the past.
I would let him know that from now on you will not be encouraging your children to do manual labor for someone that doesn't include them as family. I am not so sure I would talk about this to the older children. The are showing kindness and decency by helping out his parents and you do not want to discourage them.
Next, I would tell your SO that he should let his mother/party planners know that HE is very uncomfortable about BM attending and under any other circumstances he would not attend if BM was there. Since his father is so ill he will make the exception.
Then, I would tell SO if he initiates ANY conversation with BM at all he will be sorry when he gets home.
I would go, take my young son and visit with the family that you get along with and stick close to SO's side.
This to shall pass...
^^^Very good action plan^^^
^^^Very good action plan^^^
I wouldn't go anywhere that I
I wouldn't go anywhere that I know BM was invited to, I am afraid I would go off...This is disrespectful in so many ways!
The ritual may have
The ritual may have originated in medieval Germany where, if a wedded couple lived to rejoice the 25th anniversary of their marriage, the wife was obtainable by her friends and neighbors with a gray wreath to cheer them for the good luck that had protracted the lives of the couple for so many years. http://bestanniversarywishes123.blogspot.com/