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So SD is back...sort of...a vent

WwCorgi7's picture

So since I last posted things took a weird turn. SD is now back in the picture sort of. We found out a lot of info at one time and still digging through the lies and processing everything. When SD left over a year and a half ago her main issue was my pregnancy with my daughter and that I would not terminate so she could be the only girl. According to the ex step father and SD, BM sat SD down and told her that DH said he couldn't be a big part of her life anymore because we were having a little girl who needed him more. SD said she felt betrayed and rejected and didn't want to see DH because of everything BM told her. So basically BM made up this sick story.

Fast forward through BM's cheating, divorce, dragging the kids away, going in hiding, contempt of court, abuse, criminal charges, and lawsuits. SD randomly reached out a few weeks ago then went radio silent. DH  recieves a call from BM's sister. Apparently when DH filed court papers against BM she took SD and hid her out with her sister to avoid getting in trouble for moving her without court's permission. SD has had zero communication with anyone except the her Aunt who was hiding her from DH. Any communication we have had with SD is said to be BM pretending dating back to July of 2020. SD said BM took her phone away in July 2020 and she wasn't able to talk to anyone. She had no clue about the texts, Easter baskets, anything at all that happened. SD didn't even know when we had the baby.

So now the Aunt wants SD to come live with us permanently. She hid SD because she was hoping BM would get it together and come back to be a mom. BM dropped her other kids off with the ex husband and never came back. SD had not seen BM since around late April. After months of caring for her and no contact with BM the Aunt is done and cannot afford it. BM has been living off the childsupport. The Aunt asked her for money and she mailed her $20. BM also said SD did not have insurance and the Aunt has been paying out of pocket for everything. The Aunt called CPS and has pushed SD to reunite with DH.

SD says she is scared of BM and was abused by BM's newest husband. She claims she was forced to drink alcohol and he "did things" to her. However, she will not say what exactly. She watched BM and her siblings get beaten and lots of drug use. She refuses to see BM. BM found out her sister contacted DH and came immediately to take SD away. SD called DH to come get her so BM couldn't take her. BM told SD she did not want her and the childsupport wasn't worth dealing with drama anymore. She told SD her life was finally fulfilling and free then she left. Dh asked the Aunt why her and the family were lying and she said they were waiting to see if BM would change but finally called him when they realized there was no hope.

Now SD is still living with the Aunt because she wants a "slow" transition to living with us. My husband is waiting until SD is moved in with us before filing papers to get full custody and stop the chuldsupport. However, BM is still getting paid monthly and DH is now paying the Aunt back for taking care of SD. I want my husband to push this along to get her and put her in counseling and stop paying double childsupport. We have heard plenty of stories about the Aunt from SD and she is pretty much the same as BM. For some reason my DH is letting SD call all the shots again.

SD is being super weird about everything. We don't know what she has been through or what exactly has been lies. SD wants to start meeting DH for dinner and the slowly do overnights before fully moving in. She talks daily with DH but it's still odd. She will agree to meet him for dinner then cancel or change dates last minute. She wants to meet the baby but says she is not ready to see anyone else. My husband asked her about her brothers or me and she refuses. She keeps saying it's too soon. She doesn't seem to want to leave her Aunt's house even though the Aunt says she can't care for her.

The Aunt and DH say SD isn't ready because she is painfully shy and she needs lots of time. SD is 14 and just started high school last week. She already has a serious boyfriend of 1 week and begged the Aunt to take her to get birth control. Dh invited SD over to see the baby but she will not come into the house because she isn't ready. She wants to just stand in the street to see her. 

I'm so confused about all of this. I feel like my DH is back to being a doormat. I don't entirely believe everything that has been said. I don't want SD to be in a bad situation and feel awful that she has been through some stuff but something needs to happen on paper. This is a huge web of bullshit that we are weeding through. I'm not sure how I feel about the Aunt letting her get so serious with a guy after just 1 week of high school. Dh is just happy to have contact so parenting and common sense is out the window. Dh is now reserving my daughter's room for SD when she is ready but I don't want to be holding onto an empty room again for someone who is playing games.

I just don't trust anyone. This whole thing is so bizarre. Dh  is being very secretive about everything. He gets defensive when I am not jumping for joy at every little crumb SD throws his way. He was going off about me needing to step up as mom and be there like a mom. Now he wants me completely uninvolved and wants to co-parent with BM's sister. I don't know how to bring him back down to Earth to handle this like a parent. He believes the Aunt has his back but he forgets she turned her back on him too. She hid her and lied for months. Now she is letting SD run wild and do whatever she wants just 7 days into her freshman year. Dh just says well she is a teenager now but to me there is no excuse to just let a 14 year old have full control and do whatever they want. 

I know I can't care more than her parents. I just don't want my life screwed up by her and her bad decisions allowed by her caretakers. In my opinion both Dh and BM failed her at this point. Oh and she is callin and texting every 5 seconds about DH meeting her new boyfriend. It's too soon to see your brothers you grew up with your whole life but not too soon for Dad to meet your boyfriend of a week. Vent over.




tog redux's picture

That sounds ... awful. Has your DH at least consulted an attorney on what his options are? It would be nice if he didn't have to double-pay child support to both Aunt and BM.

I wouldn't trust aunt as far as I could throw her - she was willing to hide SD from DH and only contacted him when it became inconvenient for her to aid and abet her sister in committing parental alienation.

Is CPS helping at all? Sometimes they can arrange for custody to be turned over to the non-custodial parent, and then DH could choose to leave her at the aunt's.

Not much you can do - except be clear on your boundaries. I'd be a nervous wreck too, this seems fraught with danger.

WwCorgi7's picture

CPS is still "looking" into it but no word from them for over 2 weeks now. He doesn't have to legally pay double he is just stupidly doing so.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I agree with the others that he should tell the Aunt sorry - drop her off whenever you are ready, but no more money for you.

Dogmom1321's picture

She can easily say she is "slowly transitioning" with no real intent to send SD back. She doesn't want to money to stop. How much is he sending both BM and Auntie? If it's enough for them to live off of or majorly supplement. I wouldn't expect to ever have SD return. 

WwCorgi7's picture

He just started so far he gave the Aunt a little over 300 and then some to SD for lunch money. He plans to pay her for the past 4 months plus pay SD's medical bills. BM is getting close to 600 a month plus the tax credit stimulus money. 

The_Upgrade's picture

Your DH seems like a sure fan of shooting himself in the foot. Why on earth is he  paying SD's aunt if there's no court order in place? She's going to make no effort to help him speed things along if she's getting paid to keep SD there. In the meantime BM's family is double dipping and mentally screwing up his daughter the longer she's there. Quickest way to get SD dumped on his doorstep is to cut all funding.

WwCorgi7's picture

He has this God given gift of being the dumbest most naive man on the planet. She didn't ask for money but he "feels bad". She could have done this months ago but purposely covered for her cracked out sister. Her on again, off again boyfriend who also beats her, is back in the picture this month and wants SD out. So now she wants her out too in order make her boyfriend happy. 

hereiam's picture

Agree with The_Upgrade.

The aunt brought this on herself; your husband should not be paying her anything (while paying BM), that is between her and BM. Why would he even trust this aunt?

My husband is waiting until SD is moved in with us before filing papers to get full custody and stop the child support.

This is stupid, why would he wait? He will continue to pay CS to BM for who knows how long, while custody gets sorted out, and she will living with you, so again, double paying.

It doesn't sound like the girl wants to live with you guys, anyway. The whole thing sounds fishy, if you ask me.

WwCorgi7's picture

That's exactly what I told him! Hello she doesn't even want to have dinner or see her brothers but she's going to live here? Yeah sure. Honestly, I hope this blows up in his face again. I know he is just wasting money but I would love to rub it in his face for being so so so dumb. Sounds awful but that's where I am at this point in the situation.

Dogmom1321's picture

I just don't trust anyone. This whole thing is so bizarre. 

I wouldn't either. There is no telling what is true, embellished, or just flat out lies to manipulate. During ALL of that time SD couldn't sneak a phone from anyone to make an emergency call? There are so many holes in the story... I think CPS needs to look further into all of this. Have they tracked down the abusing husband/boyfriend? What's the status with that? SD should be in therapy NOW. Not just when she comes back to your house.

Gimlet's picture

Corgi, I am so sorry.  This is just a dysfunctional mess. 

You have no real way of knowing the truth here, and it very much impacts you and your kids.  It doesn't sound like you can trust your husband to make decisions at this point.

I agree with the others, this whole thing stinks to the high heavens.