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Feeling guilty that I feel less stressed with DH gone

worst_stepmom_ever's picture

DH left for work last week and thus ended my time with MIL and SD(4). I feel awful saying this since I love my DH, but honestly, I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a long time since he will be gone for several months. SD/BM are at the center of all of our problems and having SD for an extended period of time with MIL in the house made me feel like we were living in a fishbowl, having all of the bad parts of our relationship on display. Even within 48 hours I feel my mental health drastically improving, which makes me feel guilty. Why? Because DH always feels bad when I get very anxious/depressed saying that he ruined my life by bringing BM/SD into it, and I always reassure him that he did not ruin my life... but the fact of the matter is that not having to deal with them for several months I feel like I'm getting a mental vacation.

I talked to my SIL (my brother's wife) who has a child with special needs and she said that she could tell that there was something going on with SD from the first day she met her when we were all on vacation visiting my dad. She agreed that SD needs to be evaluated and DX'd ASAP, but saw where we're coming from where legally we're in a bind and can't do anything, and with DH's military schedule, he simply hasn't been around long enough to file anything, especially since we can no longer afford lawyers after all the drama of the past couple of years. Sometimes I'm not sure if DH/MIL are in denial that SD has special needs or that they just feel powerless to do anything about it so why bother addressing it.

SIL sympathized with my position that it's worse to be the SM than the BM in this position because if I saying anything about SD that isn't that she poops rainbows, then I'm wicked/negative/jealous/hateful/etc. I spent so long believing that I was the problem myself only to find relief from hearing the same things from SD's teachers and after reading the book Stepmonster, that it's hard for me to figure out how to handle the situation. Because we see SD so infrequently and typically for such short periods of time, there is no getting her help or disciplining her, so she basically gets away with murder and everyone around just tries to pacify her.

This time it was even worse because I normally resign myself to smile during SD visits since DD(7) enjoyed her company. But SD's rages and tantrums are getting worse, and my DD, who has never had any interpersonal problems at school or otherwise, spent the entire last few days doing nothing but bickering and fighting with SD. DD told me she was glad that SD was gone today and I can't blame her.

My dad said that when DH gets back he will keep encouraging him to try and get reassigned elsewhere so there won't be this constant discord in our home. My dad relates to DH since he himself had to walk away from my half-brother when things got too toxic with his BM. For a long time my brother resented and felt that my dad abandoned him, but now that we are all adults he sees that dad did the best thing he could under the circumstances and in fact, my brother has almost no relationship with his BM anymore.

I also tried to tell DH how DD's relationship with her BD is actually better now that he has longer, more infrequent visits since we live so far apart. DD never hears her BD and I argue, I generally take a step back and let those visits be his and his wife's time with DD, and she has enough time to adjust to what the rules are at BD's vs our house and it's actually easier to coparent. (For instance, one time DD told me she got in trouble at her dad's house for lying, possibly thinking that I would say something along the lines that she's perfect, and instead I told her she knows better than to act like that and she needs to listen to her father) BD had enough time to work with her on swimming and teach her to ride her bike with no training wheels so he got to feel more like a parent than he did when visits were EOWE.

I haven't heard from DH since he left but we left on bad terms because I felt ignored because of SD and MIL. I reiterated to him that I hated big long drawn out public goodbye events and I preferred to do our goodbyes in private at home, so he and I can say what we really think or feel and have that one last moment together. Instead it was SD chaos, MIL annoyance, and me feeling ignored. I wrote to him that it's hurtful since at the end of the day I'm the one who runs all the errands for him, who is there to lift him up when he feels like he can't do something, to sit up late with him in the garage when he's working on a project, etc. MIL, SD, DD don't do those things for him and so yes, I do feel that I do deserve a bit of special consideration. It could have been as simple as him asking MIL to take the kids so we could have a few minutes to ourselves before he left, but of course, even that didn't happen.

I did end the e-mail saying that all of that was just some food for thought but I didn't expect resolution anytime soon since right now it's work first and all these other issues can wait. I don't think DH and I's attempt at TTC was successful, and I'm regretting not keeping the appointment for him to go to the sperm bank so we could try IUI while he was gone, since I actually feel like it would be easier to be pregnant right now when I don't have to deal with SD/BM drama. Oh well I guess.