Another fun weekend with the skids...not. (Long)
Mother's Day weekend came and went and we had the skids. As per usual, we couldn't pick them up until 8 pm on Friday because of SD11's dance class, and they returned home at 8 am Sunday due to SS14's confirmation at church. Thankfully, this was the last weekend for both so we can go back to a normal schedule again.
After all of the drama with BM that concluded with her texting me and then blocking me when I suggested we talk on the phone like adults, I was feeling the anxiety. I don't need to have a relationship with her, and I will never put myself in a position of vulnerability to be the victim of her attempts at marginalizing me and using me as a punching bag in their screwed up co-parenting situation. She feels threatened by me, is no doubt resentful of BF's happiness, and she will never allow me to be more than a glorified cook. It was much worse than I anticipated.
Friday night, I was a ball of anxiety for pick-up, and BF knew it. I decided to go because I always go, and I refuse to let BM intimidate me into lessening my role in this family. BF was being a bit callous about everything and I couldn't help but word vomit that he should have stood up to her when she was attacking me. It is true he didn't do enough, and in his need to avoid conflict he left me in the line of fire. I don't care really that me bringing it up caused him to act like a big baby about it and get upset, but I'm not one to swallow my feelings and build resentment. Control your ex-wife and don't let me be mistreated by her, that's not too much to ask.
As soon as SD got in the car (which I did not leave during pick-up) she started in on the crying and "I just wish everyone could get along". SD turns on the waterworks like a pro, and suddenly I'm realizing that the situation between all of us, which should have been kept from the kids, has somehow become their business. Awesome. Now we have to actually have a conversation with them about it, which both BF and I resent because it isn't their damn business in the first place. Clearly BM is starting to practice PAS against BF and I, and hoping her children stay loyal to their Mooommmmyyyyyy. We get home, everyone showers, and we have the talk. They ask questions and we clarify where BM is wrong. BM told them BF is going to fight for custody, which is a lie. She also likes to tell them I control BF, which is a complete lie as well. I truly feel nothing but disgust for BM now. SD is only upset because the prospect of her losing her social life and friends at BM's is the only thing that matters to her, given the only thing SD cares about is herself. All of this is happening because BF (who has 50/50 educational rights) is no longer supporting SS being homeschooled. Why should he? Kid is doing 5th grade work and just tested at beyond a 12th grade reading and writing level. BM is scrambling to show she hasn't neglected him for the past 10 years and did a standardized test, is trying to enroll him in some $400 month 2 hr class where he's in a room with 5 other boys learning social skills (which he can get for free in public school), and is finally going to the Dr to get him a physical for the first time in maybe a decade (we are worried about his weight as well). None of this matters because that kid is going to public school, whether she agrees or a judge makes that decision.
Saturday morning I cook my normal big breakfast for everyone. We had planned a chill day with a movie night later and a huge dinner (I've been cooking a wild boar roast overnight), but BF is trying to change everything up because he still slips into Disney Dad ways and wants to go to the bookstore. 1.) the kids just got a handful of books they haven't even finished yet just a few weeks ago. 2.) Why do they need to get new crap every time we have them? 3.) This will suck up a few hours of our time, the kids are supposed to be in bed by 9pm, and then we won't get to have the night we BOTH AGREED ON AND PLANNED. We go to Target instead and I make the skids spend their own money with a $10 cap. SS gets a book for a new movie out and SD gets some coloring thing. Kids had mentioned Monopoly (we play board games quite often) and we get that. Kids want to play Monopoly instead of movie night. I don't give a f%$& anymore at this point because what I want never matters anyway.
SD showers and doesn't wash her hair. After realizing she wasn't using shampoo or body wash for months at our house, it is the rule she washes her hair every night now. It was a huge ordeal and a big argument with her. I ask her why she didn't wash her hair and she lies and says she thought she does it every other night. I call her out on her lie and she then changes the story to she forgot. I don't like being lied to, and I don't like her manipulative behavior. SS showers and then I call out to her from kitchen to go wash her hair. She ignores me and proceeds to pretend to fall asleep cuddling BF on the couch. A short time later, I call out loudly again for her to go wash her hair. BF "wakes" her up and tells her to go wash her hair (GOOD JOB BACKING ME UP BF!). I half expected him to undermine me and let her go without washing it, but he's learned she's a master manipulator and doesn't let much slide anymore. She gets up, probably flips me off as she walks down the hall, and showers again. I wish I could have taken a picture of the death glare she gave me for the next hour, pouting like a toddler. She didn't even consider the possibility that I would make her go shower again. Screw you SD, I win. SS helped me cook for the first time and he did so well. I love the little man he is becoming and we are getting so very close to one another. I appreciate him, even though he's completely useless when it comes to caring for himself. I can't blame him though...he hasn't been forced to learn independence from his parents. I wish I felt the same for SD, but in reality she sees me as a threat and I knowingly and cautiously have to protect myself and my relationship from her.
We start Monopoly, break for dinner (which was delicious), and play through. We don't finish until 10:30pm, mostly because I insisted we play all the way through. I was winning and I've never finished a game of Monopoly, so they can all suck it. You wanted to play it, I wanted a quiet night with movies, and now we can finish it. I won and DH placed 2nd. I made a chocolate milkshake for SD, BF made a rootbeer float for himself. She asked for a taste of his then asked him to give her his and take hers. He actually did it, and he wonders why she's so spoiled. I about said out loud "Are you f*&^ing serious"? That will be the last time I make her any dessert, trust me. BF tried to only eat a bit of the milkshake and I told him he better finish the entire thing. She wanted to use my good icecream and wanted it, you let her have yours, now you can go ahead and finish it and not waste my damn icecream, lol.
Bedtime comes and SD starts complaining that she got cold the night before. She has a sheet, a comforter, and a fleece blanket on her bed. She's also wearing fuzzy fleece pj pants. This is her manipulating to get her fuzzy blanket back that she lost a few weeks ago. Nope. We got tired of her dragging it through the kitchen, leaving it in the living room, and wearing it like a robe at the dinner table and she lost a lot of her stuff after her horrendous behavior, so she doesn't get it back for a while. BF almost slips and gives it to her, but catches himself. I tell her to put on more clothes if she is cold. We live in Florida, not Alaska.
Sunday morning I make breakfast again as everyone gets ready. Both kids wish me a Happy Mother's Day in a half-a$$ed way, and neither made a card or anything. Honestly, BM will probably never let them do anything for me so I'm not even holding it against them. BF ROYALLY f^%$ed up Mother's Day. He knows he did and hopefully he's making it up to me tonight when I see him. If someone puts their time, energy, and emotions into helping you raise your children you had with a woman who likes to emotionally abuse your spouse, you at the very least write a damn paragraph on a card thanking them. You don't sign your name and the dog's names on a goofy a$$ card that isn't sentimental at all. BF knows me and knows I like romance and I like feeling appreciated.
I pushed back the co-habitation timeline a bit because of all this mess with BM. I don't want to be going through that while the fight about SS's school is in full swing. In better news, BF and I have been talking more and more about engagement and rings. He did mention getting a house being a priority, but the more I thought about it, the more I know engagement should be before that. Getting a house is more about the kids, and my needs and wants shouldn't always be 2nd to them. If he wants me to build a life with him, I want to be engaged. I'm starting to feel more comfortable at the prospect of committing to him, but legal marriage may never be in our cards. I would rather have contracts and living wills than have to go through a messy divorce again. I cannot rush our timeline, and I won't until I feel we are on the same page about everything regarding the skids. I will not be 2nd priority to his children at every juncture. I will not allow them to rule my home. I will not be put in a position to feel invisible in my home. We have a lot of boundaries to discuss still, even down to the possibility of SS living with us after graduation, which I support with rules. I'm still trying to figure out the split for household expenses. I know I will not pay half when we are forced to live in a four bedroom home because of his skids and "my" only place is our bedroom.
Sometimes I close my eyes and see how easy and wonderful my relationship would be without kids. It's a shame that the perfect man came with so much baggage.
*edit* I'm not blogging for advice, I'm blogging to vent. I post on the forums for advice. Many people maintain commited relationships while also maintaining separate households, and it doesn't mean their relationship is any less valid. When I'm in my BF's home, it is also my home. It's always entertaining to see the most condescending comments come from posters that have no experience being a SM. You worry about your own relationship, mine is wonderful.*