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Tired of being micromanaged Gma

wonderinggma's picture

Hello all,
I'm a mom of a son who married a woman (who had no job or income) with children who thinks it her job to run our family. Ive been told off, questioned, told what to do, what I do wrong, what supposed 'tone' I say things in (even though he was not in the room). Every interaction with her for a full yr before the marriage resulted in a phone call within a day or so (from my son) telling me what I did wrong, how I 'looked' at her..., you name it, she came up with a complaint about it. All from a woman who brought herself and 3 kids in tow, but no job or income of any sort. The financial burden definitely affected my grandkids. Not many people can take on a family of four and not change their lifestyle. My son is a hard worker but by no means a huge wage earner, just your average guy. We (my husband and I) can seriously walk away from a gathering thinking it went conflict, and sure enough....I would get a call dissecting my every word, look, tone, you name it. My husband and I have done a lot for them. Anything from making curtains, loaning money, running errands. Never seems to be good enough. This has lead to my avoidance of contact & interaction with both her and her children. Yes, I understand its not the childrens fault....but seems like my son wants the illusion of one big happy family and it cannot happen with her being ever watchful and ridiculing us. My grandkids are not allowed to say anything about her kids, no matter if its true or not. My daughter witnessed my grandson getting chewed out for telling us that one of the step-moms kids broke his ipod. The grandkids also get upset because step-moms kids wear their clothes and if they say anything....step-mom seems to not care & lets her kids continue to wear it. So much more,....and thankfully its not a physical or verbal abuse situation....but its more of a thing that step-mom seems to care more about her own kids than my sons kids, even though he is the main support. (she did finally get part time job)...and she seems to place herself on a pedestal and we are treated as her lowly subjects. I have friends with step-grandchildren who treat them as their own. I can't. I wish it were different...but it is what it is. Seen many things online/social media that back up my perception of what goes on. Even seen her kids wearing my grandkids clothing. I know what they tell me is true. We don't want conflict so we don't bring this up with my son....but I am genuinely wondering if anyone is dealing with something similar ?


twoviewpoints's picture

Something tells me this is one of those point maker/bait post, but *shrugs*, I'll chip in my two cents anyway.

Amazing on how you were just a fine grandma before DIL arrived on the scene. Now? Well now you're terrible terrible terrible and just can't seem to 'stay put in your place'. *rolls eyes*

Tone. Looks. LOL. I bet you get referred to as a busybody who tries to tell your son how to raise his children and would never allow him to parent himself. Whew, good thing DIL showed up just in time to save the son and grandchildren from ruination at your hands.

Just wait until DIL starts insisting her three children must be taken on every visit to grandmas or your grandchildren can't come. Of course her three kids must be included on any grandparent/grandchild vacation to Disney, or the trip isn't happening. And heaven forbid you dare hand out ice cream cones on a hot sunny summer afternoon because as you didn't ask permission and clear it with DIL first, you'll have damaged the children's nutritional needs for life. You'll have not only spoiled their dinner, but their breakfast and lunches the following day too.

And you know, DIL's kids wouldn't need to wear your grandchildren's clothing if you'd just stop being a cheap favoritism playing grandma and start buying armloads of clothing for her children also. Forget the fact her kids have a mother (and probably a father out there somewhere), as it's your place as grandma to supply her kids needs.

Get with the program, grandma.

Meh, *SMDH*

Luckyone's picture

I am a step mom to an adult woman. I came into the picture after she was an adult. My H makes a very good living and didn't work for some time. I now work part time, not because I need to but because it is good to be a productive member of the household. After my H helped his daughter secure a loan and make the down payment on the house, then took her on a vacation to Europe, he decided that she needed to take more responsibility for her life. He had been paying most of her bills and slowly stopped doing that. He is not punishing her, but rather wants her to be able to care for herself.

My SD thinks she is her dad's equal and that she should have a say in all matters of his life. She hates me simply because I married her father. My h's family takes her side no matter what. My MIL is not speaking to me right now because when we planned the Christmas party we didn't consult his daughter on the date. We hosted. There is a lot of turmoil because my h loves my 4 kids and treats them as his own.

I don't ever say anything to DH family but I could definitely see where my in laws would think I was the problem. I am not the problem. But regardless I am the one DH lives with and has to make amends with. At the end of the day our R is the one we nurture and all others are in the periphery. I suspect this is what is going on in your world. The thing is, your son is making choices and you can't do much except live with it and hope it gets better. Continue to love your grandkids but don't feed the monster. In the end your son's R with his kids is just that, HIS relationship. Best thing to do is love up your gkids and listen to them but don't respond negatively. One thing I have learned is there are always sixty sides to every story when it comes to step parenting. Keep your side of the street clean and don't be part of the problem.

As an aside,I don't know why you keep pointing out the money issue. If I never worked a day after we married my h would support my decision. But that is the thing, it is OUR decision. Try not to get tangled up in the skein of difficulty that can come from being part of a step family. It only hurts everyone in the end. As it stands I have disengaged from SD to a large degree and my H is doing a little of the same because she tries to dictate his life. Um, no.

Good luck and I hope things get better for everyone in your situation.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I guess I just see this post as different. There is something in the phrasing of this post that makes me think your DIL may be right.

You start off with this sentence: "I'm a mom of a son who married a woman (who had no job or income) with children who thinks it her job to run our family."

It is clear from this sentence that you disapprove of the "woman your son married". You don't even refer to her as your DIL. You point out in the first sentence that she has no job or income, as if it is the most important thing. To be honest, it is very obvious that you don't like or approve of his choice. And maybe you are right, maybe she is awful.

But, I am thinking that your disapproval must have been obvious from the beginning. It would explain her sensitivity to your tone, looks, etc. I have a feeling that your son also sees it.

Your entire post is dripping with disdain for this woman and her children. You are more than entitled to your opinion, but I have to wonder if things are as bad for his children as you are portraying, or if perhaps your dislike for his new wife is coloring things. To be honest, your son chose to marry this woman. He is raising his children in a way that he thinks is fair. It isn't really up to you. Of course this woman cares more about her kids...they are HER kids. If your son is favoring her kids over his own, then your issue should be with him for allowing it to go on. Its amazing to me that you are so critical of the DIL for favoring her kids and not embracing his kids as her own...and yet, you can't accept the stepkids as part of your family. As you are seeing, it isn't always so easy to blend families or accept the behaviors of kids that are not related to you. Maybe you should cut her some slack. And, if your son is not standing up for his kids, then you should rock the boat and put the blame on him because attacking his new wife won't do you any good. It will just alienate him.

My only advice would be tread carefully because you do risk being cut off from your grand kids.

Disneyfan's picture

Who in their right mind would approve of their child marrying an unemployed parent with THREE KIDS????

Favoring your bios over your steps is no excuse for the nutty DIL to have her kids wearing the grandkids clothes.

The OP should definitely speak up. Her son is acting like a pussy wiped little punk. If he decides to use the kids as pawns, the OP could just go through BM. I'm sure the DIL hasn't pussy wiped BM.LOL

Disneyfan's picture

We never get the full story. I have to admit, I would be livid if my son took on the financial responsibilities of someone else's children. I would also be livid if he dumped his responsibilities on someone else.

Why hasn't the OP returned? Perhaps this was just bait to get us all in an uproar.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I never said she should approve of it. I just said that it is obvious that she doesn't approve. This might explain the DIL's insecurity. To be honest, her son is the biggest part of this problem. If you believe the OP, then the son is allowing this to go on and her issue should be with him.

twoviewpoints's picture

"The grandkids also get upset because step-moms kids wear their clothes and if they say anything....step-mom seems to not care & lets her kids continue to wear it. "

What part of that sounds like this "how do you know the clothes that the sgrands are wearing are your grands'? Were they a gift from you? Or do you go through the closets when you are at the house? There are plenty of reasons that kids wear the same clothes. My own kids/skids borrow clothes all the time from each other. Or maybe they traded. Or maybe, like what happens with my DD and her cousins, they get the same outfit on accident because my sister and I have similar tastes" ?

Disneyfan's picture

Maybe they spoke to mom as well.

I don't think is a case of mom wanting to control her son's life. No parent wants to see their child used. Sure, it's his choice to be the sucker, but that doesn't mean his family has to like or agree with it.

twoviewpoints's picture

Did I miss where 'we' heard anything about BM? Is there one around? Deceased? Does Dad have full custody?

At this point, reading original post to here, I've seen no mention from OP about a BM.

Thumper's picture

I have seen circumstances like this, yes IN DEED I have. The BM was awful to her skids and her kids were placed on a pedestal while his own was placed in the basement.

Sad thing when a bio parent like your son allows his kids to be treated this way and his own parents too?

I would speak my peace TO your son addressing you realize by saying this may result in him avoiding you and your husband. Get that elephant in the room front and center.

BUT you will no longer be treated poorly by his wife, micro managed by his wife so YOU have decided to avoid events with her present. And you willing except if he decides to block you out of their lives. Let him know you are not ending a relationship with his kids OR him but you are defining and reminding him of your families code of right and wrong. HIS wife is behaving poorly and it stops today.

It is time to expect people to be kind and if they are not to heck with them. It does start within the family too.
Way too much drama going on in families because of fee fees. Never in a million years would I have allowed my spouse to do this to my parents.

Your daughter in law is a piece of work AND she should be watched very closely. I know her kind.