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Update to yesterday's discussion

WokeUpABug's picture

Overall it went ok. I kept my cool, which was difficult, but allowed us to have a longer discussion. The bullet points:

- based on info from one poster on here I realized SS19 would be able to take out bigger federal loans in sophomore and junior year. His actual costs should decrease due to living off campus. I figured that tuition would continue to rise at current rate. Then I figured out how much SS19 would be short in subsequent years. It turns out IF DH makes his contribution, and BM makes her promised contribution, he will only be 3-4K short per year which he can easily earn in a summer.

- we decided SS19 needed to hand all his summer earnings over to us so he could not squander them. We would give him back as allowance whatever was not needed for tuition

- we decided SS19 needed to give DH full access to his grades

- this still leaves what to do about this years shortfall. The shortfall is partly because BM hasn't paid what she promised, but even if she had, SS would still be 7500 short. This is due to him picking a school that was too expensive

- DH wants to cosign loan for the 7500 (I under no circumstances will ever agree to cover any part of BMs share). I do not want to do this. My parents offered to loan SS19 the money and I am leaning toward this, as I think he is more likely to pay them back than a bank and I think this will humiliate BM a little

- before I agree to anything I want a firm line in the sand that DH agrees that even if SS19 is on the verge of getting kicked out we will not cross. To me this is BMs contribution.

- we decided to table the discussion as DH wanted to talk to SS to find out if he had a plan etc. DH swore not to promise anything to SS until we talk again

So there you have it.

Comments

WokeUpABug's picture

He would have 27,000 in debt if he takes out the max Federal loans. Plus another 7500 if he gets someone to cosign for him.

Honestly he picked the school based on the sport he does and that his friends were going there. Now he is on the team, really likes the other guys, etc,

It's possible when SD17 starts college he will get more aid.

SugarSpice's picture

bm gave next to nothing for her adult children. its always pathetic how mothers contribute nothing once the children grow up.

its like saying i carried him for 9 months. the rest is your problem.

Maxwell09's picture

There was also a posters who's child chose a ridiculously expensive school and the dad and mom are to each pay half. The SM posted about how the dad can't afford it so his parents are covering whatever part of the Dad's half is left.

Maxwell09's picture

It's interesting that you think he will be more likely to repay your parents back instead of a bank. Why do you think that is? I'm genuinely curious and not trying to be ugly; my SS absolutely adores my parents but I don't think I would trust he would repay them thousands of dollars. Especially if he has a BM showing grade A examples of how to get out of financial commitments. I think your DH needs to tell your skid that skid needs to be asking his mom where's her contribution.

WokeUpABug's picture

Yeah I recognize its a bit of a gamble. I figure it as SS19 is a genuinely good kid and responsible in most aspects of his life except financially, though this has largely been due to BM, He expects DH to come through for him. He doesn't mind taking advantage of DH since he's been told by BM how much money his dad has blah blah blah...

But if we can't come through and my parents have to bail him out... I don't know. I think it looks and feels different. And I don't think he'd Welch on the debt, though there's a good chance they'd forgive it (my parents are pretty well off, they wouldn't notice this money).

But I could definitely be wrong.

simifan's picture

Just a thought that this would set up the expectation that DH & your parents will bail him and later, the other kids for poor choices.

WokeUpABug's picture

I know I know... None of it makes any sense.

But I just know DHs heart will break if SS19 has to transfer. As will SS19s.

And it just looks so bad. I know here on stalk we all are mostly on the same page about financially supporting stepkids, but most of the outside world isn't. My daughter goes to private college because I can afford to pay my share. I'm about to get a much higher paying job, I could probably easily help SS19 out. It's BM and DH who can't afford this.

robin333's picture

Sigh. I get it. You are struggling with what your logical mind is telling you is the "right" thing and your heart that doesn't want to see DH, and SS to a lesser extent, hurt.

Yes, you have the means. Please remember that what you or your parents do, it will be the expectation for all other skids. And you will have assumed BM'S financial responsibility because I bet this situation will happen again.

You know all the pros and cons. I would encourage you to not accept your parent's help. It won't hurt BM'S pride but it might hurt your parents.

Maxwell09's picture

I agree that it won't hurt BM's pride; she'll probably just feel validated that she told your skid to get his dad (and you) to fix his problem and Lo and behold the money came and it wasn't hers. I think one good thing that might come from your parents loaning the money to him is that the subsequent children will play nice with the parents long enough to use them as well. Your DH needs to go ahead and tell the rest of his children they need to start saving and working during the Summers to cover their mom's share of their college tuition since she obviously thinks she's above that responsibility.

Jsmom's picture

I don't think your parents should loan it. It should be a gift otherwise, it may destroy their relationship.

Also, you said it will be cheaper off campus. That has not been the case for us. What we have saved on is the meal plan going away. That is it. But, rent for him has been more than student house was by about 1000 a semester. I did not anticipate that.

notarelative's picture

All of this was foreseeable. All of this was known last year when SS was picking schools. Problem is BM promised and SS believed. You knew this day was coming and it has arrived.

Now it is time for SS and DH to face reality. This school is not affordable on available funds.

DH has promised X amount of money. That is for four years. I'd advance part of it so he could finish the year, but it comes out of the pot. So that means less available for the following years. SS has to transfer to a more affordable school unless he can get the school to give him a sports scholarship that will cover the shortfall.

Going to school with his friends is a luxury he cannot afford.

Either pull the plug on this now or face this again and again as the younger kids reach college age. It's time for financial reality.

WokeUpABug's picture

The way we left it, DH and SS are going to try to work out a solution to this on their own. I'm not going to offer anymore solutions and wait to see what they come up with. I am totally anti DH signing for loans. I also agree it's not my parents responsibility and I'd rather not involve them.

I just know how this will all turn out... DH will think I'm being unreasonable for not allowing him to cosign loans. It'll be a huge fight that can end either one of two ways. I capitulate and we go broke, or I prevail and DH resentment eats away at our marriage.

WokeUpABug's picture

Oh just to be clear, those are SS reasons for picking the college, not DH.

DH is s guilty dad. He feels bad he can't do more for the kids, bad their mom is an idiot, etc. The kids and BM use this to their advantage. Especially after he married me and we moved to a nice house in a nice neighborhood (that I made possible, but never mind that).

SS19 had his heart set on a $65k a year private school. BM encouraged him to apply early, he got in and told all his friends he was going. DH had to be the bad guy who told him he wasn't. So when his second choice was an out of state state school, he just didn't have the heart to tell him no. We told him we will contribute X regardless of where you go, you make sure it works. In retrospect that was a big mistake. We should have put our foot down.

Icansorelate's picture

I agree with the other posters. Your DH and BM have a history of spending way above their means. They have taught SS that this is OK.

What most of us know, is it is NOT OK. Living above your means will eventually result in diaster. It is better SS learns this while he is young, and frankly, it is time for your DH and BM to also learn this lesson.

If you or your parents bail them out, you will end up doing so over and over again...until you are also bankrupt and you and DH are living on cat food in retirement.

DH needs to learn to say no, especially the one time a judge is not telling him otherwise. BM needs to learn that DH can no longer magically come up with the money, and you need to not put your well being or your parents at risk.

It is time to take a hard line with your DH. There is no more money.

WokeUpABug's picture

I really like this reply, I think I will save it for strength before any future discussions. Despite everything I'm saying on here I've still been talking a hard line with DH.

oneoffour's picture

If SS is so wonderful at his sport of choice he would have a scholarship. He doesn't so it is really just a fun thing. He will miss out on having the college experience with his friends. And said friends could all bolt through to Venezuela and join an eco tourism commune in the jungle. Is he going too?

DH needs to ask his son to get the money from his mother because she is the one letting him down not Dad. Mommy gets away with something AGAIN without any consequence.

Time for a reality check.. DH needs to know if he co-signs a loan he is out the door and he can live with frat-boy.

WokeUpABug's picture

Haha, no we found out there's not much money for men's sports aside from the big ones. SD17 does the same sport and will likely get a size able scholarship due to title 9. She's also an excellent student, unlike SS.

His sport and his team is his whole identity. I think it's crazy too, but DH family is sports crazy so it's normal to them.

LuckyGirl's picture

If he wants to stay hwere he is, it is upto him to make it happen. If he can't: time for a harsh lesson about the adult financial world. If you make choices you can't afford, they will come back to bite you in the a*se.

Let him transfer. Allow him to learn a valuable financial lesson that will stand him in good stead for the rest of his life.

Much, much better to learn it now, as a young kid wih no responsibilities, than later when perhaps he will have a partner and dependents.