Eff you, DH
Huge fight this AM. I told him I would not agree to his cosigning loans to compensate for BMs share of SS19s tuition. I told him I'd done some soul searching and decided if we did that it would cause irreparable harm to our marriage. I said that I thought SS19 options were to work it out with BM, take a year off to work and save money or transfer somewhere cheaper.
He wanted to take my tuition benefit I get from work and add his previously promised amount to it. He argued that he would not be fulfilling his promise to SS unless he gave him that money, and that my tuition benefit was essentially free money. My tuition benefit is greater than the amount he promised SS. If we did this we would be paying his entire tuition. I said we might as well take the money and hand it to BM, because that was the end result.
He got very upset and said I was making him choose between our marriage and keeping SS19 at his college. I told him if that was actually a choice he had to think about I hoped he did decide to cosign the loan, as he'd be doing me a favor.
Oh yeah, and today is my pregnancy blood test after IVF.
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All good questions. I worked
All good questions. I worked at this institution for 2 years a long time ago, they are counting those toward my three years. So it will kick in in one year. Which I told DH wasn't a solution for next year. I think his plan was to cosign for next year, and use my tuition benefit after that.
I agree if we pick up BMs share now, we will be doing it for all the other kids too.
He does realize that if he
He does realize that if he "chooses" to subsidize his kids tuition, then you may walk out and so does your free benefit tuition.
You decided to take the job, as I understand it, so that it would eventually help the skids with tuition. And he now thinks you are being unreasonable? The you younger skids are in private highschool, in which they also might not have the money for an expensive university. That is on your dh and the bm.
If this guy chooses to subsidize all the skids educations, then will he have saved enough for retirement, or will you be paying for that and on top of that all of your kids future needs.
At this point, I am hoping that he chooses the skid because I really think in the long run, you will be better off.
Haha, yes you've picked up on
Haha, yes you've picked up on DH's logical inconsistency: if we get divorced then there's no tuition benefits for his kids. So he's back in the same situation. He could of course cosign loans to the tune of $40k per kid, provided the bank would let him.
In fairness I took the job because it's a good job for me. It helping with tuition is a nice benefit. But I could have taken a job making substantially more. As I see it, this benefit is part of my compensation package, not "free money" to relieve BM of her obligations. DH feels that since if SS didn't exist I wouldn't get it, it essentially should be given to him in full on top of our previous contribution.
And no, we aren't in a good financial spot. DH makes good money but support plus private schools for 4 kids has left him pretty hard up. Plus he never says no. So he still has his own student loan debt, plus a woefully underfunded retirement.
Omg! He has his own student
Omg! He has his own student loan debt and he is shelling out for a kid to go to a private college AND private high schools.
There is only so much he can take out before he cant. And if he essentially pays for all of the oldest skid's tuition, because I doubt BM will give a dime until your dh maxes out, the. The three youngest skids will be on their own if they want private college.
Almost every financial advisor out there will tell you to make sure your retirement is well funded before even thinking about paying for a kids college. But what do they know?
Oh woke up a bug, you poor
Oh woke up a bug, you poor thing. I can't believe how this has evolved and what a mess it is now. I am sending you giant hugs down the web.
This situation is sticky. Your job won't give you those benefits for a while. You could have moved on from job or be dead by the time those benefits come in. Until they becomes available they should not even be counted.
I am torn on how to advise you, on one hand I want to tell you to eff them all and leave it to dh and BM to sort things out with ss19. Just remind dh of the pre-nup and saw this is the amount we agreed to sign for , the rest is up to you. Go sort it out with the other clowns I am done. I am sure you would like to say this too
I can't believe the guilt he tried to level at you- between marriage and son college. It's so unfair- you have paid your share and been more than generous on trying to help with the rest- you have looked up essays and scholarships and have at times cared more than the parents have.
It seems dh is trying to find an easy way out- he knows BM won't pay and he ensuing fallout of that he is trying to avoid. Instead he is creating fall out on your side
Awful awful situation
I think we are down to the final options and skid has to leave the school for a year and work. That's all there is to it- he needs to get out and work and then once he has worked a year go back to college and start doing scholarships from then. But there is no money to be got here.
What an awful mess. BM should be ashamed for the position she has now put everyone in and dh should be ashamed for the crap he dumped on you this morning
Stay strong and do not cave to these idiots
Ps: fingers crossed for the blood test. More giant hugs.
Oh, FFS! Can I come out
Oh, FFS! Can I come out there and nut punch your DH?
Ask him how he plans to pay for SS to stay in his college if you were to leave? Life has a funny way of forcing us into places we never planned to be - so there is NO guarantee that you will even have this job in one year, three years, etc.
BM is the one responsible for this mess and why your DH can't see that is beyond me....
I am sorry, Bug. You have worked your brain off to find ways to make this work that are fair and reasonable to ALL.
He's made you into the bad
He's made you into the bad guy and BM is the villain.
Oh FFS. What a tool. The
Oh FFS. What a tool.
The fact that you're willing to use your benefit for the skids is beyond generous to begin with and he wants more?! The ONLY way that benefit helps you is if it allows you to save more of the $$$ that would be going to pay for college and put it into retirement or a fund for something that YOU want...and your DH wants to take that away from you? Sounds like he thinks you're some kind of indentured servant to his kids...and if you don't like it, your marriage is at stake...
Yes exactly! If we pay the
Yes exactly! If we pay the same amount as before, plus my benefit, who is th winner? Well, yes SS, but ultimately BM. She gets off Scott free while my job pays for her kids college.
And do you think SS would be doubled over in gratitude to me? I doubt it.
"Hell I'm splitting into 2
"Hell I'm splitting into 2 people I want to double punch DH now"
yep - me, too. I will hold him down while you punch him twice and then you can hold him down while I punch him twice.
oh dear lord what an @$$hole
oh dear lord what an @$$hole move. i'll take my place in line for a shot at your dh.
maybe ya'll could make an appointment with a financial advisor? cosigning a loan, especially for a teenager, is NEVER a good idea... can ss not take less classes and work a decent part-time job?
Why can't SS take out his own
Why can't SS take out his own loan to pay for his own education?
He's maxed out on federal
He's maxed out on federal loans. He would need a private loan. BM can't cosign due to bankruptcy.
And so your DH feels it HIS
And so your DH feels it HIS job to relieve BM of HER responsibility???
OMG, I am so mad for you!!
He just doesn't want SS19 to
He just doesn't want SS19 to get hurt. And yeah, when I ask him "why is this your responsibility," his answer is "because he's my son."
Is your DH going to intervene
Is your DH going to intervene anytime BM does something to hurt SS? He cannot protect his son from everybody that may end up hurting him in life.
Also, the kid is 19, some of the responsibility falls on him, as there are other options.
Well, life is all about
Well, life is all about getting hurt. A parent's job is to teach their kid how to deal and bounce back.
By your DH's theory, he will -
save SS from heartbreak
save SS from bad grades
save SS from a shitty boss
and on and on and on....
Ugh.
Thanks guys. I think for him
Thanks guys. I think for him keeping SS19 at his college is about more than his sport. The kid is psychologically "at risk" even the counselor said this, and I think he's worried him dropping out would push him over the edge.
Throughout his life DH has drawn lines with BM, and she has walked right over them. And he always capitulates in the end because he doesn't want the kids to get hurt. She knows this, which is why she's able to walk over them. I guess he expected me to join him in capitulating to her. Well I won't. So he can leave me or stay. If he doesn't pay her share one of two things will happen: BM will come up with her money, or she won't and SS19 will have to drop out.
I'm betting on the first, but willing to accept the second.
I know the line in the sand
I know the line in the sand you are drawing, as I have made the same line with my DH.
My DH also feels like he has to "save" ASS. I finally had to tell him that he can live with ASS (after ASS graduates from high school) or he can live with me, but not both.
It really sucks when the men in our lives don't set and hold boundaries and then expect us to sit by and by totally okay with it.
Why is SS "at risk?"
By the way, both BM and your SS know that your DH will step in and save them. He always has, right? And they will never lift a finger to change unless and until they have to. Your DH should give them both a chance to show how creative they can be
"Psychologically at
"Psychologically at risk"
This is driving dad's obsession of paying for everything.
But, shielding the kid from financial reality is not wise. What happens when this kid graduates? Is dad going to want to continue to fund him as he's 'at risk'?
BM has caused this risk with her unreasonable expectations. She threw her oldest under the bus when she decided private high school was more important than college. She has given her oldest unrealistic expectations of dad's financial ability.
BM is driving the train and dad jumped aboard. Dad needs to realize that there are three kids rolling along behind and there is a (financial) cliff ahead.
The line to punch your DH just got one person longer.
Yes I've asked DH all these
Yes I've asked DH all these questions. The answer he is he will do whatever to help them no matter how old they are. That's fine I guess, as long as you can afford to.
My parents have been incredibly generous with me throughout my life. But they could afford to. If I thought for one second any gift they gave me had put them in financial hardship I'd give it back in a heartbeat.
Hope DH realizes that they
Hope DH realizes that they can take student loan payments out of social security. If DH cosigns a loan and SS doesn't pay, DH's social security could be garnished.
"The answer he is he will do
"The answer he is he will do whatever to help them no matter how old they are. "
That's called enabling. And it has nothing to do with being able to afford it.
Asshat makes millions, and I mean millions. He doesn't "help" our kids with things they should be doing/handling/managing on their own. I applaud him for that, and that's saying something because I really really really dislike him - lol!
Ugh - I feel for you...
How many loans does this kid
How many loans does this kid have and how damned expensive is his college for god's sake? My SS18 is no brainiac and only got a tiny 3K scholarship to his Uni. The rest is all federal loans. It covers his whole 4 years. Our agreement, since he is a lazy, unmotivated quitter, is that if he graduates we will pay off his loans for him. No graduation means he pays the loans.
So how is this kid short so many thousands a year?
That is exactly what I was
That is exactly what I was wondering...
Tuition room and board after
Tuition room and board after scholarships and aid is $38k. He has $5500 in loans this year.
WTF???? He had better be at
WTF????
He had better be at Harvard or Stanford for that kind of cash.
Sounds to me like an in-state public school is in his future....
she said AFTER scholarships
she said AFTER scholarships and aid.....38K is the balance, HR, not the total.
Why do you do this???
ETA - Stamford??? I think you meant Stanford.
No he's at an out of state
No he's at an out of state state school. Amazing how much pricier they are out of state.
He's no academic superstar, just an average kid. He went there for, drumroll... The team. He liked the group of guys that were on the squad. Oh yeah and some of his HS friends were going there too. If he'd stay instate we would not be having this conversation about BMs contribution now.
Well... I mean it's not a bad
Well... I mean it's not a bad school. He wanted to major in marine bio, but thinks environmental science is more marketable so is switching to that. I'm sure his degree is worth something. It's just he could get the same degree closer to home for less $.
Insanity!!
:jawdrop: :jawdrop:
Insanity!!
*giggles* "Inconceivable!"
*giggles* "Inconceivable!"
Yes, to be honest I am losing
Yes, to be honest I am losing respect for him. He won't stand up for himself and he won't stand up for us.
Hoping your test went well
Hoping your test went well today ... *fingers crossed*
I am so worried for you having to deal with this THREE more times after SS19?? Just reading this stuff gives me stress.
No, it was negative. I'm
No, it was negative.
I'm glad we have counseling tomorrow. DH is on the sofa tonight.
My prediction is that your DH
My prediction is that your DH is going to co-sign the loans no matter what you say or do.
The disney and wanting to live large runs deep in him.
He has apparently spent his entire adult life living large and beyond his means. BM got used to that and also knows how to play him.
My soon to be ex-DH suffered from the same malady. He made an upper middle class living and he, BM, and the SDs all lived as if they were rich. Well, now DH is 65, out of work and soon to be broke. BM is bitching about "where all the money went" and DH is facing family court for the alimony and student loans he can no longer afford to pay.
This will be your DH in the not so distant future.
The question is: what are you going to do when he signs those loan papers?