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Advice please

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 6:26am

I am torn between what the right thing to do is in this situation.

YSD is currently having behavior issues because BM is punishing her by ignoring her. It's been over a month. YSD has been handling this by taking her aggression out on me and SO. Either verbally or by completely disrespecting house rules. Right now her room is so filthy that if CPS came by I would be charged with neglect.

This is not an exaggeration and it was clean two days ago. She has garbage everywhere, food everywhere and everything she owns thrown in piles on the floor.

SO and I have taken her make up and phone until it's cleaned. If she doesn't do it we are taking her door.

Because I am angry I don't want to make a decision out of anger and frustration. Her B'day is coming up and she only asked for one gift.  Its a pair of personally designed sneakers. I can get this for her because that's what my friends daughter does as an online business.

But right now I don't want to do anything for her because of they way she has treated and disrespected the things I have gotten for her by not taking care of them and the way she has disrespected me and SO. 

But part of me feels bad for her because I know BM will either not do anything for her for her bday or if BM does it will be half fast with no effort. But YSD will think the world of whatever BM does more than anything SO or  I would do for her. 

Should I stay out of it and just let SO do whatever he plans to do for her and let that be good enough? 

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 6:34am

Does your YSD have a therapist? She needs one.

Yes, stay out of it. I don't personally believe kids should lose birthday and Christmas for poor behavior, and at any rate, as the stepmother, it's not up to you. Let your SO decide how to handle it. But if you truly believe she's acting out because of BM (I'm not convinced - I think she's pushing against your rules), then taking away her birthday would be even worse.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 6:52am

She never acted like this before BM dropped her at our doorstep 5 weeks ago and has basically ignored her. YSD didn't think of me as a parent figure but she used to treat me like am aunt or older sibling and she used to follow rules because she wanted to get along with me. 

YSD has been calling and texting BM up to 100x a day. I can see it on the parental app.

I know she is depressed. She has a therapy appointment this week coming up. 

SO will have a bday for her, make her a cake and get her gifts just not the one gift she really wants because he is not a planner and it has to be ordered soon be to done by her b'day. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 7:05am

Fair enough. Not to say BM's behavior isn't part of the issue, but didn't you also crack down on her with the landlord/tenant agreement?

I don't need to tell you that BM Is being abusive.  Silent treatment is horribly abusive. Can you guys hit her with abandonment?

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 7:12am

SO already has physical custody she is just refusing her visitation.

I waited on the tenant agreement because when she came back from respite at grandma's she was being really good so I didn't want to rock the boat.

But she has been acting up again the last 3 days since her sister beat her up. Sleeping all the time and hiding in her room gorging herself. She is literally living in absolute filth. 

So I just started the tenant agreement yesterday and took her make up and phone as a consequence until it's cleaned. Because depressed or not allowing her a pass on keeping up on basic hygeine isn't going to help her.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 7:31am

Stay out of it, let your SO do what he's going to do for her birthday. No need for you to go over and above, getting her personally designed shoes.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 7:44am

Since there is a lead time to get the shoes made, I'd order them but have an alternative plan to donate them to a local teen shelter or other charity if YSD doesn't improve her behaviour before her birthday.  If worst comes to worst at least you've given your friend's daughter some business.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 7:47am

I'd use them as a motivator for her to start taking care of herself and following rules - she can earn them at some point in the future. It might be a more positive way to get her going in the right direction.

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 9:26am

There are other reasons to get her the shoes. Use them as a carrot, maybe sweeten the deal with her involvement in designing  them, whatever but don't feel bad because you put off getting them.  There  are way bigger fish to fry with her right now.  

acef92's picture

Submitted by acef92 on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 7:51am

This girl is having a bad time obviously but her behavior is unacceptable you have no tolerate, is she is breaking the rules of your house or doing things wrong it has to be a consequence so maybe you should do something very simple for her birthday because of that and let her know. 

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 10:11am

If SD was fine at Dad's house until BM dropped her off, this is trauma behavior. SD has been abandoned by BM and now she's trying to see if her dad will abandon her too. This trauma behavior does not make sense to anyone but SD, but trauma behavior often does not.  Therapy should help SD deal with her feelings, and hopefully when she has therapy the behavior gets better.

I would buy the shoes. I like Tog Redux's idea of using them as motivation. You could even use them as motivation for therapy attendance if SD is reluctant to attend. 

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Sat, 02/27/2021 - 2:06pm

I agree this is more then a kid acting out or being entitled. It is a cry for help. She's testing the waters because she was abandoned. She needs therapy ASAP. I agree with you in not allowing it to continue, but I don't think more consequences would be beneficial at this time. She needs help improving her coping skills. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Sun, 02/28/2021 - 11:27am

I stopped being so skid prejudiced and re-read what the OP had written.  Some of the SD's behaviours remind me of when the black dog of depression has hit me.  When this happens, I know that getting out of bed and doing something makes me feel better but I literally can't do it.  My entire brain fogs over with blackness and logic goes out the window.

Your SD is going through a break up on steriods.  I agree that she needs help.