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Excluded indefinitely from his family's events

wasitamistake's picture

Longtime lurker here -- haven't really needed to post because I have had little to no interaction with his kids in the year or so we have been legitimately together.

Backing it up -- we met before our respective marriages ended, but he swears he had told her theirs was over before we met. I am not at all sure this is true. In fact, a good friend of his recently told me that much of what my BF told me was likely not true (this was in context of discussing how angry his kids are).

He has two older teens and a tween. The divorce has been final for more than a year. We are in GA where kids 14 yrs and up get to have a huge say in visitation plans. The older two told judge they would like flexibility to see their dad when they wanted too. And her attorney successfully argued that the Judge should give the same "power" to the youngest. (power is my word)

They have never slept over at his place. Not once. He sees them for dinner once or twice a week and at their activities. The youngest will often spend a weekend day with him. My BF takes him to whatever activities etc he needs to get too. My BF is trying very hard to salvage a relationship with his kids.

I have met them a couple of times briefly. Just in passing.

Last week, my BF (who claims to love me very much and whose actions often show this) came home from a meeting about youngest's Bar Mitzvah and mentioned that I wouldn't be invited. That he couldn't do that to his kid, his other kids and even his ex. But, he realized that it wasn't just the Bar Mitzvah, but his oldest's graduation, middle's dance recital, etc. That while he loved me == he just couldn't see how his oldest kids were ever going to get over what he did to their family. And that he didn't want to parade the reminders in front of them.

he knows that it is he who should shoulder the blame -- but feels like if we are together at events it just will be like picking at the wound.

So a couple of days later, after digesting all this, I asked him what this met for things like High Holiday services (we are both Jewish). Would we be joining a new synagogue? (I moved here to be with him, my kids are in college already). He didn't answer me immediately. Later he came to me, apologized, but said that if he is granted the opportunity to sit with his kids at services ever again, he would not turn it down. BUT he didn't anticipate that happening, so we would just go to his parent's synagogue.

I think we are toast -- but I am wondering if anyone has experience where you never really blend?

Comments

oneoffour's picture

Eek. Well you have got yourself in a pickle.
The kids will always come first even as they age out into adulthood. Either be prepared to be the shadow partner or recognize that he is deceitful and will say whatever he needs to say to get what he wants.

You will always be the understudy's understudy. Why not move on and let him reconnect with his family because I bet if you are gone they will all be back together in 18mths - 2yrs.

I am either an equal partner or not a partner at all.

Maxwell09's picture

He's not ready for a relationship. He cheated from the sounds of it and got caught. Regardless if he left willingly, he will always associate you as a hurtful being whenever his kids come across his mind. Leave him. He isn't the one for anyone but especially not you.

Acratopotes's picture

It's rarely that a guy will marry his mistress and stay with her forever......

There's a saying - once a bull learns to jump the fence, he will never stop

think carefully lady - if he could do this to his first wife, he will do it to you as well, are you sure you want to be with him?

Disneyfan's picture

You helped to break up their family and now you want to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. It doesn't work that way. The only you will find your happily ever after is with another man.

His kids will hate you forever for the role you played in all of this. Dad will hopefully receive their forgiveness because they love him.

Based on the way this cheater behaving, I bet the only reason he is with you is because mom found out about the cheating and kicked his ass out. Of course he will tell you that you gave him the strength to walk away from a loveless marriage that was over years prior. Don't believe the hype.

WalkOnBy's picture

I disagree - my kids know that Money-Ka and their dad cheated while he was married to me and they don't harbor any resentment, hate her or him, and she certainly has her version of happily ever after.

I bet BM is egging this resentment on. While I could have done the same, I didn't. Because I loved my kids more than I hated Asshat and Money-Ka. OH, and because what happens in a marriage is NOT discussed with children.

I get sooooooooooo sick of hearing that bullshit "those kids will never get over this" horseshit. Yes, yes they will - IF people stop telling them how horrible it is that their parents divorced.

BARF!!!

wasitamistake's picture

A couple of things. The not blending isn't just because of his kids, but I moved a few hours away from my kids' hometown. (they are college and young adult) To see them at all on holidays etc I have to go back. I stay with my family and visit with them there (of course, I visit them at school, etc too) So even if things were better with his kids, I don't (didn't) foresee a time anytime soon where we would all be together for a holiday.

I knew this was going to be hard -- I just didn't think it through. I am going to tell him tonight that I think I need to move back (or more likely somewhere else). Just like my kids still come first, his need to as well.

We aren't actually living together and my lease is up soon, so it is a logical and not so complicated time to make the break.

I am sad, but clearly am reaping what I sowed.

Thanks for all your thoughts.

ChiefGrownup's picture

We cross posted so I now want to say I think this is a wise and mature decision. Best of luck to you.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

Man, that was quick. A couple hours on an internet board and you decide to leave your SO.

Best of luck to you.

ChiefGrownup's picture

She said she had been lurking a long time so she had already gathered a lot of insight and could probably see the writing on the wall. My guess is she was pretty much on the verge of this decision anyway and just wanted to run it up the flag pole to see what she might not have thought of and how she felt about the responses.

The responses resonated with her and nobody told her there was a magic solution she hadn't thought of. So it probably just felt like a door snapping shut.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Cut your losses.

Boyfriend loves cake and kibbles. Look up chumplady dot com if those words in this context aren't familiar to you.

Kids will eat you alive for the rest of your life even if you never meet them again. 99% of us here came together with our partners long after the previous marriages ended and still our stepchildren are seething with resentment and hostility. We are perfectly innocent and our partners are as well yet this is what we get. I believe with the difference in your circumstances, you have no hope whatsoever.

That's the answer to your step question. Now for the second layer. You said your own marriage was not over, either, when you started up with current will-never-do-right-by-you boyfriend. Something happened in your heart that you went chasing after bubbles and glitter. You ended up believing lies. Perhaps some therapy might be a good idea. Just to understand yourself better and to help you have better discernment in the future. I have fallen for lies myself in the past. I was highly motivated to get more savvy. I would hate to see you fall for more lies in the future, too.

wasitamistake's picture

It seems that way, right? What I was hoping for, in the short to mid term, was a situation where we didn't really blend -- but rather celebrated holidays until the kids were older seperately. And then take the room's temperature.

What I hadn't counted on was never blending -- and that seems to be his intention. To never try.

To be sure, I deserve everything that is happening to me -- but the kids don't. My kids will be happier if I am living in or closer to their hometown. His kids, who knows, but I know the odds are better if I am gone.

When he brought up the Bar Mitzvah -- I of course, knew logically that I shouldn't be there. But it was hard for me to envision him there without me. And then I envision a lifetime of this stuff.

I was talking to a friend whose MIL was widowed and went on to marry a widower. (so no cheating etc). His daughter never much liked her dad's wife and it has been decades of strife. For along time it didn't matter much -- they tolerated each other until they didn't. Then it didn't much matter because dad would see his daughter without his wife. (they could attend large family events together it was the small stuff that didn't work). As the couple gets older though, it is hard for daugther to see her dad without coming to his house. And things are hard again. This is not want I want for my future or frankly for his kids' future.

So i move on. For those that want karma to hurt him well suffice it to say, it has happened. On top of the strained relationship with kids, he has taken a huge financial hit. he won't have the life he once had. But that is on him too.

melissa325i's picture

Your s/o has made a decision that causes pain and devalues you
Are you okay with this decision?
What would you say to your best friend in a similar situation ?

No one has the right to judge you.... the skids do enough of that.

WalkOnBy's picture

"That while he loved me == he just couldn't see how his oldest kids were ever going to get over what he did to their family. And that he didn't want to parade the reminders in front of them."

just re-read this over and over again. As many times as you need to. Then join JDate and move on.

This guy is a schmeckle.