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My head is second guessing but my heart...All IN

VNichol's picture

I;m having a very difficult time and cinfliced within myself and this relationship. BM left her marriage and family for her drug dealer well over 2 years ago. She is a meth addict and on probation for meth possession, CPS case open against her because the drugs were around the child. She has, in my eyes rock bottom but yet not realize it! Dad has primary custody, BM never had him more than 24hr at a time until she learned of me! She kinda tried to step up her mommy game but fell back to drugs and abusive drugdealer BF. Fast forward to now, she is so convinced I called her probation officer and told on her. She went to trial for her felony meth charge which she got it dropped to a misdemeanor with probation. Her conditions were to go to drug classes, parwntinp classes, community service, Pay fee, and Judge ordered to stay away from this guy, stay OFF drugs!!!!!! Well she keeps getting cut a break for everything she has violated on probation ansawith this CPS case. When we found out we called CPS informed them and they were going to be in contact with the probation officer. It took about 3weeks but she was told by her PO. Now she thinks I told on he, NOPE not I. Her cps case worker did, we told her that and she has a vengeance against me for that. I find I funny but its it gotten blow WAY out of proportion! She and her sister are harrasing, threatning and trying to bully us. DH of course would entertain her bs and it made me so mad that he played into her bs. Now it it is where he had to block her because it was so excessive to point of restraining order. He did not think he had a leagel right to block her because we have primary custody. He was afraid of violating the cuatody terms but the way I see it is, the minute CPS had to be called she lost mojority of thoes rights. We got into a huge argument because he would not block her completely. I am at my wit's end over the issue! I want to pack my bag and go stay at my moms untillhe has a handle on the situation. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Its been only a few days but I feel drained of it ALL. Im not his wife or fiance yet but there are talks if marriage and children. I've invested my heart to him and his son! I'm torn between my sanity and possibly making a huge difference in a child's life. I tell myself I dont have to deal with this BM bs but then again im ALL in this relationship. I tell myself the best way to preventing from doing something stupid (like responding to myself causing more drama) is to to remove myself from the house! I know leaving is not the answer but at times I just wanna say F, it and leave.  Thank for any advice/ guidance anyone could provide.

Comments

Mumof8's picture

If you decide to stay I will tell you three things. 1. You will feel like saying f$&@ it and leaving weekly, if not daily.  2. Recognize you have to poser to change anything, and set boundaries to prevent being made responsible for someone else's responsibility's.  Your Bf will put kid duty on you, and BM will as well when she feels like being irresponsible, and the minute you accept you become their slave for life. 3. You WILL grow to love that baby like your own, but even though they may love you back they will ALWAYS....repeat ...ALWAYS want and love their Mommy more.  It is hardwired into our genetics.  Even when mom is a first rate screw up.  Even when you do everything for them and everything right.  4.  Your fiancé will make decisions with regard to his ex that you may hate and then end up paying for them (you pay as well) later.  I.e. she completes rehab and gets clean and he gives her custody back.  He forgives 11 years of child support and medical/dental debt, against your wishes and then she takes more custody and wants child support and him to pay ALL medical.  (Been there done that). 5.  Everyone, no matter who it is, will see you as responsible for the child while simultaneously finding you unemportant when BM enters the room.  If you can love with that, then you will be just fine.

elkclan's picture

First you need to own your actions and the consequences they had on her. You guys DID inform CPS and rightly they informed probation. You did the right thing. 

Secondly you need to own your own motivations. Yes, if she's a danger to the child the system has to get involved, but really you were hoping that she'd get locked up. I get it. I often wish my ex would fall under a train or my SO's ex would walk into traffic - I mean not really, but sorta?

Prison doesn't work - and the very best thing for this kid is to have a well and functioning bio-mother. 

Chances are she's not going to clean up her act and she will end up in jail or dead. But you don't need to do anything to hasten it. However, do inform CPS etc if you feel you need to - but only for protection of that kid. 

VNichol's picture

Yes, we have owned it! He told her that, yes he infrormed CPS. She dont think the two agencies communicate regarding the situation, but they do. Its a SLOW process but its being done. 

I DO NOT fule the flames by peraonally responding to her but F#+&$, I'm allowed to feel some kind of way. I am very mean and hurtfull with my words when mad and I know this. Ive told DH that I need him to be the one I can vent to and get this out. On the other hand iIknow he dose not  wann hear it from me too! 

I also do know I have the power on how I handle BM and will continue to not make her a topic of discussion in this house. I know marrying him is not a smart dexision on my part just yet. I love him and he is the most amazing man I've met but now is not the time. 

I need to back up and let him handle his BM and her craziness. How do i do that without disengaging/disconnect from the relationship? When i try to explain to DH the reasons behind my actions of " doing me" he is hurt by it and iIam not trying to. To me, "doing me" means going to my bffs or my brother's house to hang out with out him. 

ESMOD's picture

Actually.. I believe owning it is admitting that you called the authorities on her... CPS... police.. same... result.  She got in trouble due to a phone call you made.  You can't say "nope wasn't me" because it WAS you that got that ball rolling.  Not saying it was the wrong thing to do.

This is the kind of drama you can expect.. are you an adrenaline junkie?  do you like the brushes with danger?  if so... sure.. stay, it will beloads of fun.. otherwise.  No man is worth all the grief you will suffer.

VNichol's picture

I NEVER have contacted her nor spoke to het via phone. I know its not my responsibility to tell this man how to deal with BM but I will not look the other way. She manipulates every situation to where it is in her favor. I will not sit by and have my SS be put in danger with her while she is on drugs. So yes DH told her he was the one who called CPS, yes I own up to being apart of making sure DH butt is covered leagelly to do what he can to keep his son save. NO i did not pick up a phone and call myself.  During the past month i have been recovering from pneumonia, NO she was not even a thought on my mind. 

I'm not an adrenaline junkie, nor like drama, I stay far from it. I do believe in doing the right thing the first time. 

Everyone has to follow the rules/ laws regulated by the different agencies involved EXCEPT her. When she violates PO and CPS she gets chance after chance, then violates again. Thats my real problem with her, she is given so many opportunities to correct herself for her child but she chooses not to. I am not trying to replace her or keep her from her son at all. i am the one who makes sure he accomadates to a certain extent so she can see her son.Just dont understand and never will. Yeah it should be none of me business but when I'm threatened, i take it personally! 

ESMOD's picture

I didn't say you contacted HER.. you contacted CPS correct?  It may have been the right thing to do, but she did end up having to deal with the police as a result.  Again.. I don't blame you for doing the right thing and reporting a dangerous situation for children.. but what the other poster said.. "owning" the fact that you in fact DID defacto call the police on her (via CPS)

And the whole adrenaline junkie thing relates to the fact that if you stay in this relationship.. that is what you are going to get.. non stop drama and fallout from the decision your BF made to have a child with a crazy addicted person.  Not that YOU are causing the drama.. but you are subjecting yourself to the drama by staying in the relationship.

In the best of circumstances steplife is difficult.. this kind of situation makes it darn near impossible.

VNichol's picture

I completely understand what you were trying to say in the above postings. Please don't think I was trying to be rude because I am honestly not and I value your honest opinion thank you.

tog redux's picture

This kind of woman will be an unlimited source of drama for the rest of her life. Your SO is crappy at setting boundaries on her, and actively AVOIDS doing exactly what has to be done (restraining orders, blocking her on the phone, etc). The only way it can possibly be kind of tolerable is if your SO was willing to set iron boundaries around the two of you to protect you from her crap, and he isn't willing to do that. Your skid may be very lovable now, but wait until Mommy turns him against you and DH.

Just go now, find a man with no kids, or with a sane ex. They are out there.

VNichol's picture

Ha ha ha ha, she has already done that! She has conditioned him and says im not his family. Only mommy and daddy are family! It stung a bit but i laughed at it. He was only 4 years old at the time. Then he told her on his own," I love Val more because you cry too much!” she was hurt and that's where her anger for me comes from. I'm a better to her own son than she is. Trust me I wanted to burst out laughing when he told me that, but Instead made it a teaching moment. I do not care what is going on with your mother or how she is not behaving like a mother should, You WILL NOT disrespect your mom to me again. You will not disrespect any adult! 

 

I do not hate her more do i wish I'll will to her. I want her to get clean and be apart of her sons life in a positive way! We are Waaaaayyy far from that happening.

justmakingthebest's picture

This woman will never stop. I would suggest you get that restraining order for yourself. You are stepmom. You don't have to deal with this. At the end of the day, if you husband dies, you don't keep the kids. They go to her. Once you accept that, you can let things go. You have no rights or privleges without your husband awarding you those things. 

Get the restraining order, tell your husband to deal with his crazy ex, you are out of it and don't want to discuss it anymore. 

ITB2012's picture

I don’t usually give anybody the “run from this” advice. But leaving is most definitely an answer. This is a mess and not your mess and too big for you to even help clean it up. It will stay a huge mess.

still learning's picture

"I'm torn between my sanity and possibly making a huge difference in a child's life."

It's dad's job to create normalcy and a "huge difference" in his kids life. You can't come in on your white horse and save your bf and his child from this situation. 

Choose your sanity. 

VNichol's picture

When i said make a huge difference in his life I mean. Be someone he can come to when he needs anything, show his what a loving mother figure is and lead by example showing him what is right and wrong. 

Not swoop in on my white horse and "handle" things! That is not my fight it's his. She madwmthat baby with her now he must do what needs to be done to protect his child and me from her. I'ma a health care worker so I'v seen first hand what Meth does to a person and dont underestimate a crackhead! Ha ha ha ha

ESMOD's picture

My feeling is that you aren't so far "in" that you can't back out (actually we can all back out at any time.. but the earlier the easier).

At best his EX is going to be a constant source of heartache and drama in his household and for anyone that becomes a part of his household.  At worst she is a dangerous person that could cause you actual harm.. physically.. emotionally.. professionally.

There are a few others on here who have dealt with or are dealing with an addicted EXBM... it is a no win situation in almost all cases.  DH won't set boundaries.. even if he tries.. the BM is so messed up she can't/won't follow them.  The court system doesn't want them in jail.. costs them money and there is always this bottom line with CPS in that they will try to keep kids with bio parents.. even crappy ones will get chance after chance.

Your BF obviously isn't willing to go to the mat for his kids and ensure that she is not able to access the kids while her life is a mess.  Supervised visits.. no visitation.. conditions for access.

The BM has allies who are more than willing to do dirty work for her.. that means that you truly may never know where the next hit may come from.

Look, he may be attractive.. or a kind of nice guy.. but there are so many guys out there that can offer you a life without the danger and drama that this guy allows to be brought into his home.

You can't save the kid.. that's dad's job and he can continue to call cps.. your presence or absence will do zero for that kid.. dad is responsible.  Dad also had the kid with the crazy lady.. he needs to be the one to deal with the fallout... you can't save him.. you can't save the kid.. so save yourself.

VNichol's picture

DH has set boundaries and she used the kid as a way around it! He has done everything leagelly to avoid her from having him in her life right now while she is being self destructive. If he doesn't take measures to protect his son from her CPS will take him. Then What? 

He is not just a nice looking guy, he is an amazing man, I would not bee in the relationship for a year and half if he was not with my time. Im smarter than that.  

I know your more expirenced than I am when it comes to step parenting. Thank-you for your kind advice .

Letti.R's picture

Your SO is still making excuses for BM.
She is harrassing you and SO doesn't think he needs to block her?
What does BM need to do for your SO to protect you from this abusive behaviour?
Do you think marrying him will make him more likely to protect you?
I can tell you the answer is no.

All in can mean all out.
Listen to your heart and leave.
This isn't a healthy situation.
With time it will get worse.
Is this what you want for yourself long term?
Is this what you want for your children you may have with this man?

Your SO shows no capacity to properly handle this situation.
Do yourself a favour and save yourself from this situation: leave.

 

Harry's picture

he is not setting boundaries with BM.  That a major problem in your life. And will continue to be a problem, forever. BM will likely died someway,  also remember, crazy BM. Make crazy kids 

hereiam's picture

I'm torn between my sanity and possibly making a huge difference in a child's life.

Not a valid reason to stay with a boyfriend. Even if you wanted to make a difference in the child's life, how can you do that if you are going crazy and are exhausted with all that is going on with the crazy BM? Resentment will start to build and that won't be good for anybody.

You are not responsible for this child, his parents are. His dad is the one who is going to have to shield him (and you) from the BM craziness. Is he willing to do that? It doesn't sound like it.

TrueNorth77's picture

I was in a similar situation with a crazy BM constantly harrassing my SO, and he would engage. Or he would block her for a week, but then unblock her because of the kids. I've recommended this to others, and I'll recommend it to you- Get the Our Family Wizard App!! As the only form of communication. You can then block her on everything for good. We have it in our CO, because I told my SO I could not deal with this constant harrassment and intrusion, and he got tired of it too. We went from multiple texts and calls every day (from her boyfriends, also), to maybe 2 messages a month on the Family Wizard app? Changed our life. I don't think we would have made it had it continued. Now we just occasionally rip on her between the two of us, but she doesn't cause issues anymore. The courts can read the app if they need to, so that's a deterrent from crazy harrassing texts. Best $100 we've ever spent.