new to here...needing support and ideas
Hi everyone...seems like I am not the only one in this all-too familiar situation.
My partner has shared custody of his 16 year old son. Although we don't have him overnight all the time, we see him usually 3 days each week. He's an awesome kid and we have come to be really close over the 3 years I have been in his life. The three of us have a blast together!
His ex, who physically assaulted my when I first started dating my boyfriend, is still very negatively emotionally attached and regularly refuses to abide by the coparenting rules.
She refuses to deal with their relationship issues and insists they can only discuss the parenting issues, yet she takes each parent issue as an opportunity to turn it into the same old relationship fight ("you're the one who broke up our family, etc.").
She refuses to drive my stepson anywhere to meet us, refuses to get co-parenting counselling or mediation, talks negatively and just has no boundaries or respect when it comes to parenting. I feel tired of always being the ones to sacrifice but powerless to change the dynamic at the same time.
In order to keep from unfairly putting my stepson in the middle, we have been bending over backwards to accommodate and sucking it up to avoid hurting him and revealing the disagreements between bio mom and my partner. But both of us are at the end of our ropes and I don't know what we should or can do the next time she makes a decision without consulting us.
My partner has basically told her that unless she is willing to go to mediated coparenting sessions, he is unwilling to discuss anything relating to son with her anymore and will be making all arrangements with school, coaches and son directly. I know in theory this is unlikely to work but there is no dealing with this woman otherwise.
Are we doing the right thing? Does anyone have ideas or strategies for dealing with an ex who refuses to cooperate?
Helllpppp 
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Bitter..
Which is common.. If it were me I would have to call and try to talk. I know that I did this with my 1st husbands ex and let me tell you it was 2 days straight a huge phone bill later and there was some ugly shit flying out of our mouths but I would not back down. And after the second day her and I came to terms with things and she realised as well as I that we both loved the SON.. It was not easy but eventually she and I both could do things together with our kids. She had his son and I had the daughter. We would meet and go to dinner all of us together.. I mean it was weird at first but after awhile it was natural. And my SS who is now 17 is just awesome. his father who is now the father of my two is a BUTT.. His mom and I still talk and I still see the SS.. I think it just depends but maybe by talking to her and trying to understand her feelings and then the same maybe she can listen to you as well and understand your feelings. And if that does not work then just let it be. She is obviously going to be one of those people that will never look inside herself to figure out her problems.. It takes a strong person to be te bigger person.
peace and happiness to you..
HAPPY
thanks,...
Hi Happy, thanks for the welcome. Because of the violence etc. (she attacked me and I had to get a restraining order - but that was over a year ago), I am not sure what to expect if I called her. It's weird - I am not totally convinced she does love him - I mean I know she loves him but does she love him enough to rise above the bitter ugly stuff and do what's best for him? Not sure. I am going to try to talk to my bf about it and see what he thinks.
I am really pleased that you found a way to work through the ugliness, it sounds like you have risen above it and are getting along. Did you have help along the way, ie counsellors, etc.? How did you make it through?
Thanks - and thanks for making me feel welcome.
Vic
I did not go see a couselor..
I do believe in there work.. But money prohibits me.. So! With my husbands ex, I can tell you it was not that I really hated her. I may have said that, but I looked so deep in the inside of myself and really started thinking why I did not like her. It was Jealousy, I was jealous of her because she has my husbands children, she was with him from high school and she is still a huge part of his life. I mean my husband and I have no first's at all. They were together for 20 years.. So she has a lengthy history with him. All those things made me angry.. So in turn I was very angry and bitter towards her. Um she called about stupid things I thought. Two weeks ago I read soemthing on there daughters myspace and was shocked beyond belief, I wanted to call her not my husband being it was a woman thing I read.. But I called him instead and scared the crap out of him and then he called her. So he was in the middle. So the very next day after that she was at our house dropping SD off and I sat in my driveway for over and hour and her and I talked about the kids and all that. And our non-existant relationship. And there were things she did not know, which in my opinion painted and ugly picture of me to her. But she only got one side of the story from her son.. And since my husband was never there to witness anything it was my word against his. So I gave her my side of the story and it painted me in a better way for her. And she explained her thoughts and ever since that night.. Her and I can talk on the phone, my husband can talk to her now without me getting all upset. She also told me that I had no reason to feel threatened by her and I replied that I knew that.. I mean it took a lot of soul searching for me.. And plus I would hate it if my ex's GF viewed me as a bitch.. or hated me.. She probably thinks that now.. Because I am calling and leaving messages for my ex to call because he lied about paying support and is $2846.00 behind and counting. Its the lying though..
Anyways.. I think that if we would look inside of ourselves as well we would see that we are not pretty either.. I know I was ugly.. Always in a bad mood and when the phone would ring and I knew it was her I was pissed off.. And my husband would hear it. Now there is peace and he does not constantly feel like he has to walk on pins around that subject with me.
Our relationship is smoother.. Like a lot smoother..
And the kids are realising that you can not pull the wool over either of us anymore.. Because of our talks.. SO its all around better.
And she is a nice person and a fun person to be around.. I must say though I do not want to hang out a lot or do things as a family but the x-mas shopping for SS was good.. That I could do.. We will see how things go in the future.. And it is also one day at a time..
It can happen though...
OMG I am growing up.. LOL..
Happy
Dig your heels in, it's a tough row to hoe...
Welcome! My husband's ex is also very uncooperative, negative, etc. I tried really hard to get along with her initially, but you just can't befriend a hostile woman who is screaming at you and calling you ugly names. The best thing for me to do was to totally disengage from HER and just focus on being a good stepmom to the kids when they were with us. I let my husband deal with her and we try to handle things via email, rather than phone, because it's less inflammatory somehow. I wouldn't know how to solve the decision-making problem, because we've never been consulted about or even informed about anything regarding the kids. Forget consulting us beforehand, my skids' mom wouldn't even tell us after the fact!
I guess the only advice I would have would be to pick your battles carefully. Some things are just not worth fighting over. If you have a legal document to fall back on, you can always go to court, but again, you have to consider whether it's worth fighting that battle and what you would have to gain if you win. Even if you won on a contempt complaint, there's nothing to prevent her from doing it again and then you'd just have to take her back to court. And although she may mellow out over time, she'll never do what you want her to do with any kind of consistency. It's probably one of those situations that you just have to find a way to make the best of and live the best life you can with your stepson in spite of her.
~ Anne ~
thanks..
Hi Anne, thanks for the note. I agree with what you've said and I feel that way 90% of the time...the other 10% I just want to drink red wine and key her car. lol We had a VERY good day today with SS, we had our Christmas tradition of Grinchmas and exchanged gifts. Since the evil ex refused to meet us, we had to cancel our initial plans to spend up to Christmas Eve with SS but we made the best of the situation and I feel good that she didn't win this round.
Thanks for the vote of confidence ... this board seems full of very good people and I am looking forward to supporting y'all right back!
That's great! You know what
That's great! You know what they say, living well is the best revenge. Be happy in spite of her... it'll steal her thunder and that can be fun to watch!
~ Anne ~