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Ready to explode as a BM!

Venti's picture

My exH is a dick. He always has been. This time takes the cake.

He has just returned from a 3 week overseas business trip. He was away for our daughter's birthday which really upset her. I'd told him before he went that it would. He didn't care. But what makes this trip so much worse - he told both kids he'd be bringing back "lots of gifts". DD17 got a pair of Nike pro shorts. DS15, a cap. Both are upset. I get that it's stupid material shit but why make promises that you have no intention of fulfilling? They're used to getting a key ring from the airport that's he's picked up as he comes home. Dont message them while you're out shopping with things you're looking at but eventually not buying them! Don't promise them loads of stuff and then let them down. I feel awful that I chose this person to have children with and he's in their lives because of me!


shamds's picture

On a holiday overseas with the family along with her husband. 
she had promised her youngest this and that items without checking they're even sold there. Turns out not available and she was moody and sulky and rude that day. 

my inlaws were just pissed off because she killed the happy mood and her idiot husband just smiles like an idiot. The so called presents were for tantrumy daughter who was 4 yrs old and off the charts a littly psycho woth behavioural issues

my sil said that niece was an only child for so many yrs till her sister was born that she's so used to having her ways. She promised all kinds of crap to shut her tantrumy kid down because when she loses it, its world war 3 and that 4 yr old smacking babies and scratching newborns faces and eyes while mummy and daddy turn a blind eye or laugh at what she did.

one time hubby shouted at that grand niece and only then did the mum try to address the issues. 

your kids will learn not to depend on daddy because he over sells and over promises. 

Survivingstephell's picture

When my divorce as final I took my bios on a trip.  Ex took them for dinner the night before we left and told them he was never getting married again.  We get back a week later and they find out he got married while we were gone. Talk about drama!   

Ex's are ex's for a reason.   It stings when your bad choice is so obvious and you can't put it behind you.   Use it as a teaching moment about integrity , character traits and values.  What kind of person are you going to be?  

bananaseedo's picture

"He has just returned from a 3 week overseas business trip. He was away for our daughter's birthday which really upset her. I'd told him before he went that it would. He didn't care. But what makes this trip so much worse - he told both kids he'd be bringing back "lots of gifts". DD17 got a pair of Nike pro shorts. DS15, a cap. Both are upset. I get that it's stupid material shit but why make promises that you have no intention of fulfilling?"

Ok, I honestly think you are overreacting and showing some typical bm tendencies we deal with on the board.

Your ex is on a BUSINESS TRIPS, sometimes this happens in nuclear homes too and sometimes bdays are missed.  I remember the drama our bm would stir up EVERY time we were out of time and saying how much it would 'upset' sd- if we were away on his bday, or first or last or middle soccer game, any reason.  The guy is working, I imagine paying CS.  He can celebrate on a different date when he's back.  Kids of divorced homes learn to get two of everything and celebrating 'ocassions' on different dates/weekends.  Part of life

He did bring them back something, they reason he likely over-promises is there is a good possibility they only value him for what he brings them (the ATM dad) which BM"s often encourage willing or unwillingly.  I'd take a hard look, what he got them is pretty nice.  There's no reason he has to bring back loads of presents every time he's away on business.  

I would take a hard look at yourself in this dynamic, because I can smell the drama BM from a mile away on that post, sorry, that's JMO.

He doesn't owe them tons of gifts or a key ring every single time.  It's possible he's realizing he's been a disney/atm dad for years and is going to try a different approach to see if they value him for DAD or simply what he buys/gets them.  It's easy for them to get stuck in that cycle of over-gifting.  Again, I think bm's tend to much at blame for this dynamic.

Maybe your kids are spoiled a tad.  Your daughter needs to get over her working dad not being there for her bday and realize she's not the center of the world and people work for a living, and sometimes that means celebrating on different days.  

Tried out's picture

OP is saying dad shouldn't go on a business trip on his daughter's birthday. I read it as a statement of fact, clueing dad in - DD is going to be upset that you won't be here on her birthday. I can't see how this is wrong.

stepmomnorth's picture

I agree. I don't see anything wrong with the size of the gifts or amount spent on the gifts. Kids should be taught to appreciate or at least not show disappointment over gifts given to them, it's extremely entitled and spoiled to do so. 

Also a business trip overseas, I see this as being something that's important for work, and you can't always choose the dates. This seems like an important business event. Birthdays are important yes but I don't see the problem with celebrating the bday on another day. It's always like that with me and my ex. The kids are with one of their parents on their bday and the other parent celebrates on another day so it doesn't interfere. It's not the actual date that matters.


Ispofacto's picture

100% this.

And stop PASing your kids.  When you train your kids to be brats, they grow up brats.

Ispofacto's picture




Tried out's picture

post that says she is sharing her feelings with her kids, so why jump to the PAS conclusion? I've been plenty mad with my ex for his piss poor parenting but I never dumped it on my kids.

And if OP was a SM complaining about a BM not following through on her promises of gifts she would be met with commiseration rather than vilification. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Being a current and ex military wife, we never had to option for dates when it comes to travel, not sure if you ex did or not, but I w would just let that part of this go.

However, as a mom, I get being hurt for your kids. Yes, it was material things and I am sure you are trying to teach your kids there is more to life than the gifts people bring us- but also it is a lesson in trust with their dad. He made a promise and failed. 

I wouldn't discuss this beyond- "I'm sorry that things didn't work out, I'm sure he tried". True or not, you can't trash him. Even when I was little and my bio dad was in prison, my parents (stepdad adopted me) "He loves you very much, he is just sick". You have to keep your feelings out of it.

Winterglow's picture

From my experience in the corporate world, you don't get any options for dates as regards travel either. If your company is going to send you somewhere it's because it's in the company's interests otherwise they wouldn't shell out the money. A three week trip overseas is a big trip and I shudder to think what would happen if the ex told his boss that he couldn't go because his 17 yo wanted him there for her birthday ...I have had trips where I scarcely had time to go to the loo from morning until late at night.

A business trip is not a vacation.

Survivingstephell's picture

It always amazes me how people get upset because they appear to not adjust their job commitments. That job pays CS.  I suppose you could just say no to your boss and lose your job.  CS doesn't get paid cuz you know, if there's nothing coming in , nothing goes out.   It's logic. If you won't teach your kids about how paychecks are earned , you get a mindset that's warped.   I don't how many times I've seen on these forums BM 's that use this work /family choice to PAS kids into thinking that Dad doesn't love you because he won't be here for event.  That's just crap.  He's working.  Making money to pay CS.    Stepping soap box now.  

ESMOD's picture

I agree with the idea that as a business trip.. it's pretty unlikely that he had any choice in the timing of it.. even if there is optionality to attending business trips.. declining important events can limit your career.. It's not that he doesn't care that she is upset.. it's actually a little sad that at 17 years old she doesn't understand that the obligation for him to attend a WORK even so that he can earn money that supports HER may trump the timing of her birthday celebration.  It's actually unfair to even put that guilt trip ON him.. and at her age.. she should know better.. and if it was you relaying that.. well.. it really was unfair as he just can't control his work trip timing in most situations.

Now.. I can get behind the "over promising" thing.. though it sounds like he did come home with a couple of nice things for the kids.. and at their age (again.. they aren't 5.. they are old enough to not feel totally entitled to business trip gifts).. they seem fairly appropriate.  I'm not sure exactly what they were expecting.. what he specifically told them.  But yeah.. if he was sending pictures home of diamond rings and mountain bikes.. and he shows up with a cap and shorts?  and he wasn't just joking.. as in I send my SD a picture of a lambo and ask her what color she wants.. when she knows full well I am NOT buying her a lambo it clearly is a joke... just being funny.  That's not great.. but I still think what JMTB said is all you can do.. basically.. "I'm sure he thought they what he got you was nice.. or did the best he could.. etc"  

And.. I get that you don't like seeing your kids disappointed.. BUT.. if this is how he has been their whole lives.. I don't really understand why they are still so overwraught over what should be clearly predictable.  I mean.. my SD's BM was the queen of promising things and not following through.. by the time the girls were your kid's age.. they didn't take anything to the bank until it was in their hands..haha.  Note.. they still love their mom.. but they understand that her want to do things and promise things.. are likely that she WANTS to do those things for her kids.. but is just incapable of getting them done in the end.

I always would rather underpromise and overdeliver.. but some people have the best of intentions and just can't get the ball over the line.

Venti's picture

He's pretty much self-employed. He runs the company in our country. He chose the dates for his trip. He asked me if I would have them his week but I wasn't allowed to say anything to them  - I mentioned she would be upset perhaps not reasonably because it is "just" a birthday but that's who she is. He booked it anyway. Then told them and she immediately lost it at me because I knew and hadn't said when she was telling me how she was going to split her day between us.

He made promises to them. I told them both to be realistic with their expectations knowing him and that it was a business trip. While away, he and his whore were texting them and sending pictures EVERY DAY from different malls so they made sure there was shopping time for themselves and that they were "looking" for things for the kids. 

Other than saying "I'm sorry" I haven't slagged him off to them. My son knows his dad barely likes him so he isn't too upset - he's more upset that his sister is hurting. But for the first time she has finally said something to the parent that has hurt her and I'm not taking the shit for it. Sadly she's now trying to "punish" him by skipping school and buying the things he dangled in front of her with the money she has been saving for college! But that's ok - she's not going to college as another way to annoy him! Pity he doesn't notice these acts of defiance.

I'm damned sure their SM is bitching about them for being spoiled brats but this is the other side to the story. Like all stories, the truth is somewhere in the middle. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Does the whore have anything to do with this behavior?  I mean is she trying to put a wedge between him and his kids?   Is she a gold digger?  Has he gotten worse about failing to follow thru since hooking up with whore?  If not then you are overdue teaching the kids how to handle their dad's behaviors.  I have a dick for an ex too, mine are in their 20's now so they get to experience him and it hasn't been easy for them but I stay out of it.  Not my relationship to handle, never was.  Funny how they hate the way he can be but all 3 of them pick partners that have aspects of their dad.  I can see it  but I can't do a damn thing about it.    Good luck with it all.  

Venti's picture

All the time spent shopping is due to her. He only ever used to get airport gifts because he didn't take the time to shop - he hated shopping. But I don't think she's responsible for the over promising, under delivering. I've spent their entire lives making excuses for him and getting them to just accept how he is.