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First time here - need advice on possibly walking away

Venti's picture

I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years. We live 45 minutes apart. He comes to my house one night a week and every other weekend when my kids (DD17 and DS15) are away I go to his place.

He has DD12 who is supposed to be at his place EVERY weekend but he often comes to my house on a Friday night "if DD doesn't come..." (don't get me started on how that sentence makes me feel).

My kids will be gone in 3 years max. They have been raised to be independant and they definitely want their own lives. I've toyed with moving to his town when that happens but I'm now having major doubts. I don't see the point in moving if I'm going to be living alone, continuing to pay all my own bills and take care of my own house as I do now but have the additional costs of food (if he stays more often) and fuel to travel back to my town for work.  I don't think that he envisages any changes happening to his living circumstances until his kid has also left home but I have doubts that that will be when she finishes school! Can a "partnership" last living apart for 10+ years? And is it even a partnership if you live such separate lives? 

Is it possible to teach him to be a better parent so we could move in together and she could come on weekends to OUR house? 

Right now, he is a terrible parent. She is meant to come on Friday nights but she never lets him know whether she's coming or not and there are no consequences for not responding to his messages! When she is there, she is in her room the WHOLE time. She stays up all night on her device (often screaming with her friends) then doesn't come out of her room until late afternoon. She eats nothing but junk food (he makes special shopping trips for her crap) and every meal is taken to her room (including dinner!). The very rare times I've been in public with her, she has no manners (leaving the table without asking and leaving her dishes there) and is unable to actually have a conversation even with her own relatives. She does NO chores - I've watched her come out of her room to rummage through the grocery bags to take what she "ordered" before leaving us to put it all away.

His mother also lives with him so she panders to this kid as well - making her bed, tidying her room, doing the laundry. His mother is a permanent fixture, she's not going anywhere due to ill health and I can cope with that but have told him she would need a completely separate and fully self-contained flat on the section of OUR home. I cannot have her IN the house because I need my space! But how can I help him be a better parent if his mother is still babying her?

I guess, I'm now weighing up whether I cut my losses and walk away before investing anymore time in this relationship. I'm totally not perfect but I know what I want from my life and its not what I currently have. Any thoughts?


hereiam's picture

Personally, I would not stay in this relationship (I certainly wouldn't move to his town). His parenting habits are his parenting habits and are not likely to change (without resentment). His mother is not going to change, either.

Cover1W's picture

Nope. Walk away. I was already thinking this before you got to the part where his mother lives there too. Nothing will change in that house even if you move in; in fact if you move in it will be worse - FOR YOU.

SteppedOut's picture

Another vote for walking away from me. Seriously, this is too much for YOU to change. And... it's not for you to change... it's for HIM to change. The problem with that is, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with all that. 

Olivia2020's picture

he is distracted by his daughter and his mother and that's fine, there just seems no room for an adult woman seeking an adult relationship.

I too was with someone who had a daughter who lived in her room, ate junk food in her room, had special shopping trips just for her as she was too lazy to unass herself from her bed to go to the store or lift a finger, did laundry at all hours of the night, leave dirty dishes everywhere and had a black moldy toilet and overflowing trash can in her bathroom...yuck! 

Read what you wrote again in a couple days, you'll find your answer. Wishing you the absolutel best!

Survivingstephell's picture

If you know what you want, then just do it.  Where do you want to be in a year ?  Free or still on here complaining how worse it is.?  Save yourself! 

SM12's picture

If he is a lazy parent now, it will only get worse if you live together.  You will be expected to step in and pick up slack left by the BF.   And if MIL is living there, you will have to battle her for control of your own home.   Not a good demerit in my mind.

Dogmom1321's picture

This man-child has zero business being in a relationship with anyone. 

Winterglow's picture

Walk away. You barely have a relationship - he's only hanging on to you until something better (i.e. his daughter) comes along. Don't waste any more time on him.

justmakingthebest's picture

I think everyone here has said the same thing. He just isn't cut out to be a good parent or partner. Cut your losses and move on. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

That sounds like a lot of change that someone else has to do to even be a bare-minimum, long-term partner for you. And you have zero control over the changes he has to make to be bare-minimum available to you.

I don't think you have to dump him right now, but if what YOU want is a joint home and launched kids, recognize that this isn't likely going to give it to you. You can keep this casual unless you see changes where it could become more serious. If you want serious and settled now, though, you're barking up the wrong tree.

reedle2021's picture

Run, don't walk, away.  Sounds like he will always put her first which means his relationship with you will always come last.  I am currently leaving the same situation right now (SS 21 but was catered to when he was younger like your BF's daughter is). I waited 9 years and it only got worse.

I wish you the best! Smile

CLove's picture

And go waaaaaaay back into the archives. Im 8 plus years in, and there are some of us 20 plus years in. These things that bother you NOW, will only intensify if you move in with this man. This child will NOT get any better behaved, she will get WORSE. You are right to question and consider now before its too late. Ill even bet that if you read more on here, that more things will come to mind.

Many of us went into it with high hopes, and best of intentions. I would cut my losses now if you do not see a future. If you want a partner in life, the more time you spend with the wrong one, the more entrenched in his life you will become.

good luck, let us know how it goes.

Venti's picture

As hard as it will be, I do think you're all correct and that I need to walk now. Last night (Friday), child didn't turn up at his so he came to my house. He was angry that his kid was rude and had hung up on him. Then when I agreed that she was rude, he got irritated with me. I tried telling him how I was feeling about "our" future and all he could say was that he couldn't make her grow up any faster. He reinforced that he isn't going to change anything in his life until she launches and quite frankly, that's too late for me. So I guess I'll tell him next time I see him that I'm done.

hereiam's picture

There is also a good chance that she won't launch, at all. Your life will continue to revolve around her and her plans (or lack thereof).

This is just another guy who cannot balance parenthood and a relationship. As hard as it is, after a year and a half, be glad that you are realizing this now.

Livingoutloud's picture

I strongly suspect that's his mom's house and he lives there, not the other way around. I bet. And if mom is well enough to do laundry and clean after SD, then she doesn't live there because she is too sick to live alone. She lives there because it's her house. 99% of adult who claim they have their parents living with them aren't honest about the arrangement. They live in parents' house. Can't afford their own and have bad credit. I'd look into it. 

Venti's picture

He bought out his ex to keep it. But it was the ex's childhood home hence is never live in it! His mother has made poor choices in her life so has nowhere else to go and lives on heavy pain medication so when she's able, she potters and cleans up after them both and when she isn't, she lives on the couch.