First time here - need advice on possibly walking away
I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years. We live 45 minutes apart. He comes to my house one night a week and every other weekend when my kids (DD17 and DS15) are away I go to his place.
He has DD12 who is supposed to be at his place EVERY weekend but he often comes to my house on a Friday night "if DD doesn't come..." (don't get me started on how that sentence makes me feel).
My kids will be gone in 3 years max. They have been raised to be independant and they definitely want their own lives. I've toyed with moving to his town when that happens but I'm now having major doubts. I don't see the point in moving if I'm going to be living alone, continuing to pay all my own bills and take care of my own house as I do now but have the additional costs of food (if he stays more often) and fuel to travel back to my town for work. I don't think that he envisages any changes happening to his living circumstances until his kid has also left home but I have doubts that that will be when she finishes school! Can a "partnership" last living apart for 10+ years? And is it even a partnership if you live such separate lives?
Is it possible to teach him to be a better parent so we could move in together and she could come on weekends to OUR house?
Right now, he is a terrible parent. She is meant to come on Friday nights but she never lets him know whether she's coming or not and there are no consequences for not responding to his messages! When she is there, she is in her room the WHOLE time. She stays up all night on her device (often screaming with her friends) then doesn't come out of her room until late afternoon. She eats nothing but junk food (he makes special shopping trips for her crap) and every meal is taken to her room (including dinner!). The very rare times I've been in public with her, she has no manners (leaving the table without asking and leaving her dishes there) and is unable to actually have a conversation even with her own relatives. She does NO chores - I've watched her come out of her room to rummage through the grocery bags to take what she "ordered" before leaving us to put it all away.
His mother also lives with him so she panders to this kid as well - making her bed, tidying her room, doing the laundry. His mother is a permanent fixture, she's not going anywhere due to ill health and I can cope with that but have told him she would need a completely separate and fully self-contained flat on the section of OUR home. I cannot have her IN the house because I need my space! But how can I help him be a better parent if his mother is still babying her?
I guess, I'm now weighing up whether I cut my losses and walk away before investing anymore time in this relationship. I'm totally not perfect but I know what I want from my life and its not what I currently have. Any thoughts?