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Stressed out, stepkids hate me

User1234's picture

My boyfreind and I have a son together and another baby on the way. I love him and my son. They mean the world to me. When my boyfriend and I started dating, I found out he took in 4 kids from a sibling about 3 years prior to us dating. I thought he had such a big heart for doing that and thought I could handle the kids. I ended up moving in with him after finding out I was pragnant. At first things where good. The kids who were 13, 12, 11, 10, at the time got along pretty well for about the first 6 months. Its probably cause I didnt interfere with their lives for the first few months. After a while I stated to find a little bit of authority for myself and tried my best to help out my boyfriend as much as possible with them. I guess the two younger ones didnt like that and began to give me dirty looks everytime I asked something of them, like take the trash out. After son was born things only got worse. I ask them to quiet down when my son is napping and they never listen. I ask them to do chores before I get home the the 2 younger ones rarely do. I do ground them for not listen, but usually doesn't work. I can her the to of them whispering to each other and when I enter the room they stop. They are constantly giving me dirty looks. It seems like the only time they are nice is when they want something. I rarely buy them stuff anymore  because I feel disrespected by them and I told them that. I have been living with them now for almost 2 years and my boyfriend and I have another baby on the way. But I dont know if I can handle the 2 younger ones anymore. It's gotten to the point to were my boyfriend and I will being sitting in the livingroom together and they will say goodnight to him and walk away. That really hurts. I love my boyfriend and he is a great father to all of the kids, but he is completely clueless about something happening right in front of him. I'm at the point now were I just want to take my son and run away. I feel like my stress level is at its breaking point.

Comments

User1234's picture

He took them in because no one else would or could. And when he was a kid, he was taken in by his aunt so he shared their pain I guess. 

tog redux's picture

It never works for a "stepparent" to come in and start setting limits on kids. If they were allowed to do no chores and whatever they pleased by their parent (in this case uncle), then of course they resent the new adult for coming in and making changes, just as any of us would resent a new boss who came in and started enforcing old rules and making new ones.

What is your SO's plan for these 4 charges - is he adopting them, fostering them, just raising them without any formal guardianship? HE needs to be the one to crack down on them, and if he won't, you have a tough choice to make.

Siemprematahari's picture

It seems like you’re the one doling out the chores and asking them to be respectful of you but where is your BF in all this? Why isn’t he the one telling them what to do, what chores are expected, and disciplining them when they don’t follow through? He may be a good BF but he could use improvement in parenting if he’s not getting in their @ss teaching them respect and to do basic chores. Does he know that you have thought about leaving with your son and how stressful this has been for you?

User1234's picture

My boyfriend has full custody of them and pretty much adopted them. He does make them do chores and does discipline them when they need it.  He has since they moved in with him. Sometimes he is harder on them then I am. But now even when he yells at them, it seems like they think it's my fault that they are getting yelled at. He know that I have been stressed out lately but I feel like it would be a waste of time to tell him why. Last time the youngest one was being disrespectful and I told him. He talked to her and she stated that I never buy her anything and I'm mean to her. My boyfriend did take my side about the issue, but it never resolved anything. She is just as rude to me as before. 

CLove's picture

If he wants to try out this parenting gig, perhaps he needs to read up on it, do some online searches. Study up.

Like feral pack animals, they are ganging up on you, and theres a reason that they are doing this  - they see you as the common enemy, taking their father figure away from them, and bringing children in that "take away from them" all the resources. Does your BF believe YOU or Child when you ask him to dscipline? You must disengage and not do anything for these feral children - and consider that they will possibly resent the new kids as competition.

All I can think of is that you really need to guide this dude into learning how to parent them.

User1234's picture

My BF always takes my side of things at least that is how it appears. I have tried to stop doing things for the youngest before and it really didnt work. Like if I refuse to give a ride somewhere, my boyfriend will instead or if I wont buy them something, they just go ask him instead and he usually does, if it is something small, like chips I mean. On top of that I feel guilty because he does everything. He pays the Bill's and works a lot more then I do. So when he's resting and ask me to bring her somewhere, its hard to say no to him. 

CLove's picture

You are the adult, they are the children, and he needs to figure out that discipline will not cause them to melt, and that he needs to CONSISTENTLY back you up in EVERYTHING.

Not the best anology, but its what I got:

Dogs cannot understand or discern SOMETIMES, as in sometimes its ok to do something and sometimes its not.

Also, they cannot understand that the bed is ok, but the couch or chair is not.

Children of course are much smarter, but the same principal applies (can you tell I have no bios...just critter kids, and 2 SDs)

They WILL play you two against each other, therefore YOU as well as HE being the adults must present a united front at all times.

Another thing that my DH always tells me is that with kids you have to REPEAT YOURSELF constantly. Repeat after me, "I must repeay myself, SO must repeat himself constantly".

The disrespect must stop. It wont get better over time, only worse with time.