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Dislike for SD

Ursula's picture

I am really starting to feel guilty for my serious dislike for my SD.  At this point, I am just tolerating her. She is so unlikeable.  She has an annoying personality, she is always greasy looking even though she showers regularly and supposedly washes her hair (I have tried to help her to show her proper hair washing techniques but it's NOT working, she also has used one half a bottle of of body wash in almost a years time).

This weekend she tried to hold my hand and I told her I didn't want to hold hands.  My husband immediately told me (in front of her!) well that was rude! would you do that to DD?  Well honestly, yes, if I don't want to hold someone's hand I am going to tell them that.  She's now started giving me two hugs every night before bed and honestly they make me cringe.  And it makes me feel so guilty.  She's almost 8.  I feel like I shouldn't have so much dislike for a child but I cannot help it.

Comments

Sotheysay's picture

Yeah I mean you might want to get some councling I could see maybe ifbthisbwas a teen but she is 8 if you hate her this much now and can't even bare to be touched by here how are the. ext at least 10 years going to go. Is it really SD you object to or could it be the reminder she is of your DHs old life. I know I struggle with that I don't dislike SS I get along with him but I have issues knowing he is her child that my life would be easier if he had never existed but I also relieze that a me issue and not really about the child 

Ursula's picture

I don't dislike her because she's from my husband's past.  She's not likeable.  She is very much like her mother - rude, doesn't respect authority, will laugh in your face and roll her eyes if you try to talk to her about something she did wrong, or just straight up ignore you. She mutters rude things under her breath and then when you ask what she said it's "nothing".  She's a rude child.

ndc's picture

Your husband needs to step up here.  His child is unlikeable, and that's on him.  She's greasy looking and doesn't wash properly - that's on him too.  He needs to fix this.  If she was likeable, presumably you'd like her.

I would also tell him to NEVER, EVER compare SD with my DD.  They are both his children, but they're not both YOUR children, and loving gestures you make toward one are not required, and may not even be possible, for the other.

I don't think you need to feel guilty, but perhaps your husband should, because he is failing here.

Ursula's picture

Yes, you're exactly right.  He really is failing.  I feel like I'm mostly the one telling SD she needs to shower.  I've brought up to him that in a year she's used half a bottle of body wash and that's not okay.  He isn't addressing it at all.  I've mentioned it to her but honestly I just can't even care enough because she's not my problem.  

And I was livid when he did that about holding SDs hands.  I told him he had no business reprimanding me like that in front of a child and it will never happen again.  If I tell SD to chew with her mouth closed I'm told I'm too picky. Well sorry for not wanting to eat dinner with an animal.

Winterglow's picture

Remind him that it's your body your choice. It's a lesson for her too that nobody gets to touch her without her consent. It's a teaching moment. 

Ursula's picture

So true.  I told him I wasn't going to hold anyone's hand if I didn't want to.  And there are definitely times when my DD wants to do things like sit in my lap and I tell her no.  

Left out mama's picture

This.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Shame on him for "reprimanding" you in front of a 7-year-old! I wonder how he would react in your shoes, if you were trying to force him to be physically affectionate with a son you had with another man. He may recoil too. Nobody, child or adult, should have physical affection forced on them. I hope he doesn't teach his daughter that she owes people hugs or some other nonsense. And trying to force that on you likely makes your negative feelings for her worse. 

Ursula's picture

It just feels unnatural to be affectionate with her.  Maybe if she were more likeable?  Idk. I'm not an overly affectionate person and being reprimanded for being rude for not holding her hands definitely did not help!  I wasn't even rude about it.  I just said - I don't want to hold hands right now.  I'd probably be more okay with the hugs if she hugged normally but she doesn't.  She does this weird slow hug thing where she starts on your sides and moves her hands all the way from your side to your back.  It's creepy.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Ew. I wonder if someone in her life has taught her to hug that way or encouraged it. It sounds like she has been raised wrong in a lot of ways. That is hard to deal with. Even when you know it's not the kid's fault, when they have been taught to be the way they are, it's still just icky and unpleasant to be around a kid like that. The way she has been raised is on both of her parents, though. Do you think they might be more invested in winning her over or being the most liked parent than in raising her to be successful and, well, tolerable? 

Merrigan's picture

Your SD reminds me of mine, except she's twice her age. She'll literally come to me for hugs ten times a day. She says physical expression of feelings is her "thing". Yeah, well showering more than once a week and brushing my teeth is mine. I also HATE hugs from her. She's just clammy and...fragrant.  Her immune system is weak (antivaxx BM), so she thinks warts, cold sores and flaking skin is normal.

Left out mama's picture

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth but this is my take on your situation.... you dislike her because of her attitude. They eye rolling, talking back, ignoring (I HATE that mayslelf more than anything) it's what's really putting you off to her. The poor hygiene and chewing with her mouth open... just general ickiness just solidifies things. Her unappealing exterior is a physical representation of her unappealing personality. 
I understand feeling guilty... there have been times where I feel negatively towards my SD because I just find her callosness and selfishness inferurating. So you are not alone in that. You have a right to be irritated when she is acting like that. But on the same side, it is totally normal for kids her age to be self centered. They don't have the brain development to think beyond themselves. She will grow out of it with the right guidance. (Fingers crossed)

the hand holding thing.... your DH needs a boot in the ass. Nope. You can't be forced to hold hands with ANYONE you don't want to. What winter glow said is spot on.

Her creepy hugs.... tell her you don't like to be touched like that and if she can't respect it then you won't hug here. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HAVE AND SET BOUNDRIES! And you are NOT the bad guy for asking that those boundries be respected. Good luck

 

Ursula's picture

Thank you! I think you summed the situation up perfectly!  I am really hoping she starts making some positive changes for the better. But sometimes, it seems like my husband is oblivious to it and I don't think BM cares at all.

Reesa's picture

I understand where you're coming from! My SS9.. I'm not a big fan. And although I agree with a lot of what left out mama said, there's only a certain degree of self centeredness that can be blamed on age... Stay strong mama *lol*