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BM Messaged Me

Ursula's picture

I am so mad right now.  So BM just messaged me with an incredibly rude message.  I'm not responding but I'm furious.  Basically SD went back and gave BM the run down of things that happened at our house over the weekend, and she made up some stuff too apparently.  Part of BMs message to me was to Never slam the door on my daughter again!  I never slammed a door but if I want to slam a door in my own house I can do that!  BM also said that I'm jealous of her, and called me fat.  Good lord, this woman is so miserable.  And I have to see her tomorrow.  

So I'm thinking I have to take a major step back from SD.  This is toxic for me.  She's only 8 which makes me feel a little bad but I can't keep doing this.  Her birthday is coming up and I'm planning to just leave for the day.  Is that too mean?  I feel like she's old enough to know that actions have consequences.  You want to go tell your mom I slammed a door on you after you were told not to lie and not to repeat everything that happens here?  Fine, but you get no birthday presents from me.  Too harsh?


24 years as a SM's picture

I would confront SD about her lies with your DH right there with you. Show her the message from BM and ask why she lied again. Explain to her that lies cause conflict and unnecessary problems, and people will soon stop believing anything that she talks about.  Then leave, I wouldn't be there for her birthday or buy her anything.

Jcksjj's picture

Also agree with this. She might not realize that what she's telling BM will get back to you. Depending on what your SD is like, that might put a stop to it.

As far as BM, what a jealous old cow. Why would you be jealous of her? No one's goal in life is to be the ex 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Eight is old enough to be held accountable for fomenting discord. SD may not be mature enough to see the big picture on her own, but it can be explained to her. But you and your DH need to do it together, in an age-appropriate way.

I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself. However, if you do it without also using this as a teachable moment, the skid may not grasp the cause and effect that's happening. You shouldn't be the only one carrying feelings about this; that's the kind of scapegoating poo SMs get stuck with all too often. Your DH needs to handle it and teach SD that she can't offer you up as a target for her crazy mom.

Ursula's picture

I will.  I know it won't make a difference.  She's lied and been caught so many times and been told about the boy who cried wolf.  She doesn't seem to care.  

MissK03's picture

Your DH needs to address BM attacking you. This is NOT ok. DH needs to back on what did/didn't happen at your house. Not like you should have to explain yourself though.

I wouldn't feel bad about not being there for her birthday. I'm sure drama will follow. Disengage from her. Also, don't let BMs words get to you! Clearly she's a miserable b*tch. 

Ursula's picture

I'm torn between him saying something to BM or just acting like it didn't happen and letting her think the message came through.  And you're right, BM is the most miserable b I've even known, but to hear her say it her life is great and everyone is SO JEALOUS of her (insert eyeroll).

MissK03's picture

Personally I wouldn't feel torn. Something like this BM should not get away with and should be spoken to about it. She needs to know your DH will not tolerate his wife being bullied by HCBM. 

SO has defended me countless times to BM... I wouldn't expect anything less. Lines like "why are you defending her?" Meaning me  and other BS she has said. 

advice.only2's picture

Disengage and let your DH know that from now on you can't be alone with SD and will have cameras all over the house because she lies to her mother.
I would also forward that message to your DH and say handle this! He helped create that toxic dynamic and needs to get it stopped.

Ursula's picture

I'm torn between if my husband should address it with BM or not.  Part of me thinks it's best to just not give her any reaction at all.  

Winterglow's picture

Block her address, her number, anything else you can think of. She has no reason to contact you. Anything she has to say about her daughter should be said to her father. She should not be harassing you. 

Ursula's picture

Yes, she's been blocked now! I'm sure it's killing her that she got no response from me because she thrives on conflict.  So sorry BM, you're not getting it from me today!

justmakingthebest's picture

Her little butt would be grounded the next time she sets foot in my house. 

As for BM, block from everything you can think of! 

Ursula's picture

I agree.  I don't think it's going to be long now until SD stops coming over here.  If SD is punished here for lying and reporting back to BM it will just fuel BM to put some stuff in SDs head about coming over here.  Not that I care.  Her not being here would be the best thing that can happen to this house.

skell76's picture

I might suggest blocking her in every aspect. There's absolutely no reason BM should have a need to contact you much less abuse you in this way. 

Lying period is not okay and SD needs consequences.  Girls (and boys too) can be quite manipulators. If she sees that feeding info to BM makes her happy and BM loves on her more it could be a vicous cycle for SD/BM/your house.  I would understand completely taking a step back from SD, wish her happy birthday but that's it.  So sorry you're going through this.

Ursula's picture

Thank you.  I went ahead and blocked her so she won't be able to contact me anymore.  

SD is definitely a manipulator and I've fallen for it many times.  Part of me feels bad because she is only a child, but at what point is it too much?  Sure, she's only 8 but I think this is just who she is now.  A miniature lying nasty BM.  

I'll say happy birthday but that will be it.  I just can't bring myself to spend my money on her and I think she needs to understand actions have consequences.

Dogmom1321's picture

Been there! When SD was 8 she was also lying to BOTH parents. She would come to our house and tell DH things to tick him off. Turns out SD was doing the SAME about us when she went to BMs. SD said I "locked her in her room" when in fact, I was actually taking her to the pool everyday in the summer. I contronted her and told her if these were the stories she was going to tell, then they might as well be true (no more pool trips with me solo). 

SD was also lying about DH to her BM to stir the pot. "He alwayssss ignores me and plays video games all day. He's soooo lazy." Um, at that time DH didn't even have a game system. DH and I SADLY realized that it was SD manipulating her parents to gain attention. Actually, none of it was BM. She was simply believing everything her daughter told her at first. 

She still tries to lie occassionaly about BM. The latest was "BM threatened to beat me!" We asked: "Well what happened?" SD "I told her I wasn't going to take a bath." DH "Good! You need to listen to your Mom." The DRAMA that SD brings everywhere she goes is unreal.

Yes, time to disengage and disappear on her birthday. No need for you to go out of YOUR way when lies are being spread about you. 

Ursula's picture

It sounds like you might have at least a semi reasonable BM on your hands.  We definitely don't lol.  My husband has tried to talk to BM about SD lying but BM seriously believes everything that SD tells her is the truth and has also said that anything SD has told us about BM or her house that was not good was a lie.  BMs mindset is so backwards and she's literally destroying her own child and doesn't even know/care.

Dogmom1321's picture

Nope - she was for sure HC several years ago! Filing a restraining order on her "daughter's behalf" because I "caused emotional damage" (SD told BM I said I was prettier than her.) She has gotten somewhat better - but definitely was the one to approach and be confrontational about this crap years ago. 

I agree with the other posters. Gray rock her and give her zero reaction. Let SD know you know what's up and everything will get back to you. 

CLove's picture

Both talk to their mother about me and our house. It totally sucks. Munchkin, as nice as she is to my face at my home, I just know that she is feeding her mother information, mainly to avoid punishment and anger. Feral Forger, on the other hand, just loves to hate me and find anything wrong with me, unless I am useful to her.

SO, that being said, you do not know if SD8 is telling her mother what she wants to hear to avoid punishment by her mother or is an active participant in the toxic drama. Munchkin, when I showed her partial texts from her mother Toxic Troll (edited to not contain the nasty words) her response was "I dont know why my mother would say that I said that because I did not say that".

This is to be considered a learning experience for SD8. Munchkin went through this from 8-12, and had to learn the hard way.

Show her text, with DH, so you cannot be accused of things. Discuss with her. Find out her "version" of the truth. Discuss with her that telling lies is bad 9whomever is doing it, her or BM or both). Then, do what you feel is the right thing. Disappearing for her birthday - well how big of a hole will that leave? Use to be that munchkin had pool parties and DH bought everything, Toxic Troll hosted and I was a small part of it. Now, I organize outings and pay for things and give. This year I am reconsidering what Im giving and doing because I feel its not at all appreciated (no happy bday last year, no merry christmas, nothing not even a hand drawn card of ANY kind, nothing over the 6 plus years...)

 - and BLOCK that BM so she cannot message you or contact you in ANY way AT ALL. Period.

So - you need to protect yourself. The accusations will escalate. Protect yourself.

Ursula's picture

I do like the idea of showing the text to SD to see what she will say.  

My husband hasn't planned anything for SDs birthday.  It's kind of a weird year with COVID, she's still in virtual learning so couldn't really invite any friends or anything.  I'm sure all her birthday will be is some decorations in the house, opening gifts, having a nice breakfast and she can pick something for lunch.  BM picks her up in the evening to celebrate so she won't be there for dinner.  I don't think me not being there is going to leave a big hole.  I just can't pretend like I want to be around her when I really just don't.

Gimlet's picture

Your BM has always been a jackass, but it seems like she's escalating. 

I agree that your DH needs to handle it and I would block her from every conceivable way to message you.  This is unacceptable.  I would bet she is rewarding SD for any tidbits of "bad" information she gives her and it really leaves you no choice but to protect yourself.

Your DH needs to handle this with SD as well. 

Ursula's picture

She has been kicking the crazy up a notch lately lol.  

I think you're right that BM probably is rewarding SD in some way, and then if she is punished here it gives BM more ammo to say well you don't want to go over there, do you?? They're MEAN TO YOU!  I feel like BM is determined to alienate SD from her dad and honestly, it's working.

CastleJJ's picture

Your DH needs to simply respond:

"What occurs in our household is not your concern. I do not involve myself in the happenings of your household, just as I expect you to do the same. This behavior is not in the interest of coparenting. All future messages regarding happenings in our household will not receive a response and will be kept for documentation purposes."

Our BM used to do this. We would receive "report card emails" with everything BM didn't agree with that occurred during our parenting time and the expectation that whatever it was wouldn't happen again. We submitted all of it to the judge and the judge put her on notice saying that "She does not have the right to know about or question what occurs in your home." And yes, block her on everything. No need to engage with BM's toxic behavior. 

ExhaustedByItAll's picture

Thank you for sharing. Very similar things here only BM and SD invent the drama. BM sends conflict email to DH shortly before her court ordered phone calls (usually a demand for more money), whether DH says anything out loud or not, she then discusses the email with the kids on the phone and gets them riled up, or if DH asks SD, "what is a xxx and why do you need it?", SD reports it as "dad was screaming at us about your email!" Then after the phone call to mommy, DH gets at minimum 1 nasty email. It's BMs way of being in our home and controlling things. He hasn't responded to the one from last week, but this should help!

CastleJJ's picture

Oh we've gotten it all. BM used to email us disagreeing that SS stayed up late, that SS ate dessert, the SS got a mosquito bite or sunburn, that SS spent too much time in a car to drive to visit family, that SS was babysat by people BM doesn't like, that SS visited with family BM doesn't like, etc. 

She would send these "parenting report card" emails the day following pick up, like clockwork. They would always be pages long and be full of abuse and manipulation. DH used to just say "give me some damn autonomy to take care of my son how I want to" to which BM would say "I am giving you autonomy, be grateful I even let you handle this much..." or "I gave you autonomy and you couldn't even care for SS appropriately so see, this is why I can't trust you with more responsibility..." We literally see SS 6 weeks per year and have no legal custody so wow, essentially making sure the kid is fed and stays alive is considered autonomy in BM's eyes, but determining bedtime and happenings in our home is considered BM's "legal custody"

DH contacted his lawyer who recommended this response and it worked like a charm. Then the judge shut BM down in court and no more "parenting report card" emails have come through since, although BM still uses SS to parrot her disapproval of certain things. 

acef92's picture

I can't believe she is 8 and causing that.... What did your husband tell about this? I would confront SD with DH and even record it, and DH should tell BM that SD is a liar in front of her.

Block her number, if she needs something she can call DH. Do NOT buy her anything for her birthday she doesn't deserve it. 

Ursula's picture

I can't either...I am honestly so torn because I feel bad to disengage so much from a child that is only 8 but I also think she brings so much toxicity to my life that I don't know what else to do.  

ndc's picture

I think you need a multi-prong response to this crazy BM.

First, your husband needs to address this message.  He needs to stand up for you to BM, let her know that the door slamming did not occur and that she is to refrain from contacting you and direct any necessary contact to him.  He then needs to address SD, ask her if she told BM those things, give her consequences if she admits to lying (since BM is a liar I don't think he can punish SD for lying unless she admits to it or he otherwise has proof), and tell her that reporting on events in your household to BM is unnecessary and unappreciated.  You guys then need to make an effort to keep anything of consequence from SD.  He should let her know that she will no longer be kept in the loop on much of anything in your household since she can't keep her mouth shut. A three way with DH, BM and SD where SD is put on the spot might not be a bad idea, but I don't know the dynamic.

Second, you should block BM from contacting you.  There is no reason that you should have to deal with that vile woman.  If that means your DH has to have more dealings with her, or that he has to do pickups or dropoffs that you otherwise would do so you can avoid the hag, that's his problem - he's the one that procreated with such a horrid person.

Third, you should disengage.  Take the major step back from SD and DO NOT feel bad about it.  Yes, she's only 8, but she's not totally innocent in this.  And you're not doing it to punish her, you're doing it to save your own sanity.  AND to save yourself from false accusations. Worry about your little one and let DH worry about SD.  And I would definitely not get her any birthday presents.  Let your DH shop for her, with HIS money only.  From what you've posted, you've been kicking in more than your share because of his CS.  Too bad, so sad, she'll now to limited to what DH can provide on his own.

Fourth, CAMERAS!  This BM is not to be trusted.  Protect yourself.  SD is only going to get worse, and BM is going to ramp up.  There has already been talk of you hitting SD.  It could just be a matter of time before CPS is at your door.

There is parental alienation going on here.  I suspect BM's goal is to have increased custody,, increased CS and increased influence over SD.  Any pain she inflicts on DH in that process is a huge bonus to her.  From your perspective, especially as SD gets older and more like BM, that might not be a bad thing (except for the DH pain).  But you really do need to protect yourself from false accusations and damage to your mental health and your marriage in the meantime.  

Ursula's picture

Thank you so much.  I really need to not feel bad about disengaging from SD.  You're right, she has brought a lot of this on herself.  I'm to the point where I just feel like she knows actions have consequences now.  You want to lie about me to your mom and tell her things I say?  Okay, fine.  You get nothing from me.  I even bought her a gymnastics leotard because I got one for my daughter but it's going back.  If you actively bring this toxicity to my life you get nothing from me anymore.

This is definitely parental alienation and BM is winning.  I really thought we could make things better for SD but we can't.  BM is too manipulative and we can't beat that.

Maxwell09's picture

She's 8 and being manipulative. If I were you I would print out that message, turn on my video recorder and when she walks in the door show it to her and ask her "why is your mom sending me thses hateful messages? Why does she think this happened (point out the lies specifically) and ask her if she wants her mom to know that she lied to her mom to start fighting among parents. Keep the recording. She doesn't need to know about it.

Then you message BM back and say "that is not what happened over the weekend and SD admitted to lying to you about it so you can believe whatever you want because, no matter what I tell you, you will believe what you want anyway. Please do not contact me again unless its an emergency. Thanks." And leave it at that. 

Ursula's picture

I am planning on bringing it up to SD.  I'm glad I won't be seeing her until after the weekend because it's going to give me a chance to calm down.  A couple hours ago I was seeing red lol.  I'm more calm now but still angry.  

Ursula's picture

Thank you.  I'm so sick of all of her BS.  It's exhausting.  I'm glad she won't be able to message me anymore.  I probably should have had her blocked before but she really never speaks to me.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Are you sure SD is lying and BM isn't just twisting what SD is saying?

Not that it should change your actions, but it might make a bitter pill slightly easier to swallow if you knew SD got the same level of crazy as you all do from BM, just wrapped in a different package.

Ursula's picture

I don't know what to think, I really don't.  According to BM, SD tells her everything during their family dinners and none of what SD said is prompted by BM questioning her, SD is just volunteering the information.  Kind of weird that our family is their family dinnertime topic of choice but okay.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So, based on BM's story, SD is SUPER traumatized by the door slamming (because that seems like how this BM would roll), but waited until family dinner at the table to disclose that?

I'm sure SD does talk about your house at dinner because we used to ask the boys how their weeks had been with BM, at school, etc. My guess is the drama is flair from BM (or BM badgering SD until she spills something, even if it's a lie).

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I know both SDs talk smack about me to BM. YSD has told me as much. I don't really care because BM punishes them if they don't act like they hate me and it's just horrible at my house. Plus BM lives to gossip about everyone who makes her feel insecure.

That's her way of having them show they love her by putting other people down to make her feel better.

BM is jealous and insecure, so I don't mind being the adult in this situation. BM messaged me once and that was the last time. Because I know she knows she is a liar. So there is no reason for me to waste my breath trying to defend myself with her. 

The one time she tried to start an argument was her making outrageous allegations of abuse. So I responded to her that I didn't have time to talk. I was too busy hiding all the food in the house and locking it in my bedroom. Taking the kids bedrooms away to make them sleep on the hallway floor before I beat them and screamed at them relentlessly.

hereiam's picture

I don't think it's too harsh. Her dad can take care of her birthday.

I do feel bad for these kids who are put in the middle by these types of BMs (my SD's was one) and I know that not only do they feel that loyalty to their BM, but they feel that they need to please the BM to "survive". My SD lived with BM most of the time, so she was the parent that SD was worried about pissing off or hurting. Plus, BM was telling her all kinds of lies about her dad and me.

But, ya know, they have to learn that there are consequences on the other side, too.

If my SD (now, 29) thought she could treat her dad like crap, try to get him to hit her (so that BM could call family services), and lie to him for some child support scheme that BM cooked up, and then he would just come running if she snapped her fingers, she was sadly mistaken. He loves her but he's no chump.

As for me? When I realized that she believed the lies that BM was telling about me, I was done. I have been cordial, but I was no longer emotionally or financially invested in her. It has actually been very freeing.


Tired_step_mom's picture

Not harsh, you need to protect your mental health and honestly your damned if you do and your damned if you dont. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

One thing I did very early on with my 3 SSs (in an age appropirate way) was to make sure they understood that I was not a parent or related to them by blood.  This means that they needed to treat our relationship like one they had with a teacher or a friend.  I pointed out to them that if they were mean to a friend or teacher, that person wouldn't want to spend time with them and that was the same for me.  I was very clear that I would be lovely until they weren't.

monkeyseedo's picture

Oh I remember those days.  SD would alwasy come over with all these storied about how horrible BM was and what she did to her-all to gain sympathy but also because they learn to manipulate at a very young age.  Especially when they know the parents don't communicate to check stories.  I told DH, he can bet his as* she was doing the same at BM's.  She learned to play them like a fiddle.  It was pretty gross to watch.