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Am I wrong?

tyra's picture

Dh and his EX used to share the same Doctor. Once the marriage ended she decided to get another. His DR knows all about the affair she had and his emotional crap he went through. When I met hubby and moved to his city I startd going to the same office (different Doctor). Our son goes there and our soon to be daugther will go there.

Well, the Ex wants to return there. There are a million other doctors (we live a fairly big city)and she wants to go to this doctor's office and she wants to go to my doctor.

She has caused me a lot of grief over the years and I am not comfortable with her going there. So I asked DH is he could politely ask her to find someone else. He refuses to and says I am being unreasonable. He and her and Sd all go to the same dentist. I made concessions to have our son in the same daycare as SD...even though I am uncomfortable everyday when I pick him up that I will run into her.

Is it a unresonable request of him? I know she could say "I'll do whatever I want" and he has no control. Then it will be up to me to find someone else if I desire.

Why can't he say BOO to her? He is so afraid of her. He can listen to her go off about me for 2 hours and not say a thing but carry through with one little request that I have and he refuses.

Am I wrong?


loonybonusmom's picture

pick another request here. I understand the pains with the run"s" ins (like the shi*s, gotta wait till they pass) but daycare will pass when the kids hit school, and as far as the doctor goes...its a blessing. the doctor must always represent the needs of the patient (the child) in your situation, like mine, the doctor is your dh's family doctor which makes access to information a whole lot easier for dh, for me, when my bio's go to the family doctor ( about once a year ) I book us all....steps parents bio's, family affair. Kids are comfy with it, lets dh know all details with his child(including all visits without him! without interferance from the bm, and a good doctors office will recognize YOUR family for what it is, making all things easier. As I said, we have soooo many battles in blended families, this is not one....this is one which may be needed on the record.

sacto_madre's picture

I know what you feel. I dont understand it either. I ask myself and DH constantly who his priorities are - is he more concerned for her and her feelings? Who is his family now? Why do they let the EW dictate their lives? I didnt do that to my ex - never get in the way of their relationships with the partners, or children. And yet the EW can do whatever they please and DH doesnt seem to care about how I feel or how it impacts me.
I dont know what kind of advice to give you - but there are so many strong SP on this site - just keep reading the blogs and you find a common pattern and great advice.

Anne 8102's picture

I don't think I would want to go to the same doctor, either. Even the same office might be icky, because no way would I want them "accidentally" confusing who is who and sending my bill/info to her house or vice versa. Maybe talk to the doctor's office manager about maintaining privacy and finding out if they take enough precautions to prevent either of you from having personal, private information being sent to the other. If that doesn't do it for you, I would just get another doctor myself. I know it's a PITA, but asking DH to talk to her just sets him up for a confrontation with her and she will never change, anyway, especially if she knows it's getting to YOU. That's her prime motivation for going there in the first place.

As to why he won't confront her, I have a husband who is similar. He'd give in on anything, just to make sure he'd get to see his kids and to avoid a nasty scene with her. I didn't get it at first, but over the years I've come to understand that the reason he does it something he learned when he went to school to become a Substance Abuse Counseling Officer for the Marine Corps... YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH A DRUNK. His ex isn't a drunk, but she's very narcissistic and has a whole lot of other issues going on which makes her the kind of person it just simply does no good to engage in an argument because she will never - CAN never - see anyone's side but her own. It's just a waste of time and energy.

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Hanny's picture

I wouldn't want him to confront, because I wouldn't want her to know it bothered me. I was just silently change Drs. My ex and I saw the same primary Dr. After we separated, I had an appt with this Dr. and she said to me, I saw Ken the other day and he is really having a hard time and wants to try to get back together with you. Any chance of that happening? I just looked at her and said. "I think 22 years of living with an alcoholic was enough"...she never said another word. I changed Drs immediately.