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I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE!!!

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Submitted by Tx mommy of 3 on Fri, 04/01/2011 - 11:35am

I'm sick of it!! I am getting blamed for everything. So after he whole summer vacation argument I calmed down. I realized there was nothing I could do and if dh wants ss here while I am away then oh well. Not my kid, not m problem, right? Dh never said anything and I assumed everything was water under the bridge. Nope. Apparently h is extremely upset. Out of nowhere he starts talking about how we are 'not normal' and hanging by a thread in our marriage. Ummm...ok. I was shocked. I've tried talking to him but he gets mad and asks why I didn't talk to him all week. I say because I didn't know there was a problem! I say we had an argument. He says 'yeah, that small thing about my son'. Basically he feels I am purposely unavailable to his son. All because I'm not going to be here all of July when HE scheduled ss to come! He hasn't exactly said that, but idk what else it ould be. Thesame thing happened in dec. Dh was supposedto have ss during a time where I was going to visit my parents. Dh wanted me to bring ss to stayeith me at my parents house for a week before dh got there. He got mad when I said no and suggested ss stay with mil who lives in the same town as my parents. Ss ended up staying at our home all week whike sh worked. So i am guessing that ia what h means by me being unavailable or distant with ss. He claims I never told him I was making trips in July. (I did) He said I never gave him specific dates. (this is true but there are two things I visit my parents for and they are always in July. One being my uncle's once a year visit to TX. Dh knows this but because I didn't give him exact dates he assumed I was available and schedules ss visit without consulting me.) Anywau, I know mostpeople here understand me. But can anyone shed some light as to dh's thoughts?! I'm in tears because he is seriously angry and talking about leaving. Also, I don't want him to treat me this way (ignoring me, pretending I don't exist, etc) whike ss is here this weekend. I'm contemplating takin my kids and visiting my parents instead. Should I go? Or would leaving just prove his point more? I'm sick to my stomach.
Seriously, everything was ok last night. We joked about meaningless things but then today...

Ps- sorry about typos! Typing from my phone in a hurry!

Comments

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Fri, 04/01/2011 - 11:49am

Men for some reason think that they can jump from one "family" dynamic to another. They believe that its as easy as playing house. They leave a nuclear family and think that by marrying they can recapture that wholesome family lifestyle with another woman. I don't know of this EVER happening successfully. These kids simply aren't ours.

A man's place in a family unit is usually as the hunter and the gatherer. Women are supposed to care for home and herth. LOL. Men have no clue and I think thats why they remarry sometimes. So there is someone there to take over their responsibility because if he was still with the child's mother, he wouldn't have these responsibilities.

I think your husband is mourning the realization that there is no family unit. You are not letting him abdicate his responsiblity to his son to you since the one who would normally be doing this is no longer in the picture in his home. He wants the best of both worlds and he's damn mad because you won't let him take advantage of you like that.

He just wants you to assume his ex-wife's role to as the "mother" so he can continue on being the "father" without all of those pesky childcare needs that are woman's work.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 04/01/2011 - 12:50pm

This is spot on Totally. Men rarely get once they divorce that they must become both mother and father to their child when that child is in their home. They can't sit back and continue to just do those father type things, but they also have to fill the mother role instead of maneuvering some other woman into it.

He wants you to take care of his kid for him. Forcing you to be a mother to his child works for noone but him. His kid I am sure would prefer to be with his dad rather than have some woman (whom ordinarily he might think is pretty cool)being shoved into that position and mothering him. That will make the child place the resentment on the smom as he sees that she is the one taking over a role that he doesnt want her in. He will likely act out and the smom will then resent the kid for being such a pain in the behind when it wasnt her idea to spend all this time mothering him either. While in the meantime the dh is living his life, going to work, and cant understand what the hell is the problem.

Your dh needs to understand that this is not your job. By him forcing you into it he has created a far more conflictual relationship between you and ss than necessary. In fact, had he done his job more adequately you and ss may have formed an awesome relationship by now. SS is here to visit HIM-not you and in fact might just be pleased as could be that you are not there so your dh is forced to spend time and do all sorts of motherly and fatherly things with him.

Too bad, you cant produce a kid from the woodwork somewhere and tell your dh that you expect him to be a father to him for the next month. That you want him to love the child, teach him about respect and discipline, go fishing with him, wrestle with him, teach him how to be a man-on a daily basis. See how he likes it.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Fri, 04/01/2011 - 11:56am

He sounds subject to violent mood swings (not unlike Godsgift)

He wants YOU to report to him with all facts, dates etc, whereas he can schedule things willy nilly without consulting you for HIS son.

Sounds like an unequal balance of power here. I'm in the same boat. GG is still explosively angry with me for having "besmirched his family" by emailing a fellow STalker with pics of the cast of characters.

To him it's "just like cheating on him with another man" (rolls eyes) Uh if we thought we could TALK to you about our issues with skids/BM etc WITHOUT you flying into a defensive rage, then we WOULDN'T HAVE to turn elsewhere.

I'm doing the Borderline Personality Disorder Communication Technique that Vickmeister showed me.

http://www.bpdfamily.com/

So far it has kept him from getting violent. I myself have an exit plan and have pretty much lost all the love and respect for GG that I had five minutes before he walked over my threshold and started down the road of placating the Behemoth and kissing his "angels" backsides.

It's a very slow process, but I intend to get through this with self, psyche and wallet intact.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Submitted by Tx mommy of 3 on Fri, 04/01/2011 - 12:42pm

Mood swings- yep! I swear dh needs help/counseling/meds. He has always had mood swings. I used to think he was bipolar! Now I think maybe ADD or something? I will look at that site you suggested though. Dh isn't violent. But one minute he'll be mad at me and a few hours later act as if nothing happened. I'm a pretty sensitive and emotional person but have kind of learned to ignore his moods. But after ignoring his moods and holding things in so long times like this happen and it gets to me.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Submitted by Tx mommy of 3 on Fri, 04/01/2011 - 1:22pm

First of all, my post was probably all over the place and didn't make sense! I'm upset because dh is blaming me only for whatever state he thinks our marriage is in. I know we have issues (all step related) but dh hasn't ever opened up about it so I guess I didn't realize how 'bad' our issues were til now. Yes, he does want me to be upset and i am. Not because of his threats to leave. But more from the fact that the step situation (not blaming ss) is causing all the problems in my marriage. Because he is so stubborn he doesn't want to hear my view and won't tell me his. I guess I feel so lost and vulnerable because he is being very vague and won't say anything. But you are right, when he comes home later I'm going to act unbothered, like it's just another mood swing for him. He wants me to apologize and grovel a bit but I don't do that. Thanks for your advice!

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Submitted by Tx mommy of 3 on Fri, 04/01/2011 - 1:29pm

Also...I'm starting to think dh has many unresolved issues from his childhood. His parents divorced when he was 13 or so. He doesn't talk about growing up and there is a lot I don't know. At one point all 3 kids lived with the grandparents then when his parents divorced, dh lived with his dad and the other two kids loved with his mom. Dh is extremely sensitive about anything ss related and has states like this that come out of nowhere and don't make sense. So I wonder if certain things trigger stuff in his mind. To top it off, depression/mental illness runs in his family. I know, what did I get myself into! (didn't know any of that til after we married, though)

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Fri, 04/01/2011 - 2:15pm

Why do these guys think we (SMs) are the mothers they always wanted for their kids whether we like it or not?

My DH had a few months of expecting me to do pick ups and drop offs and the sewing on of scouting badges. I remidned him that his sons have a perfectly good set of parents to take care of them. If he wants me to help he needs to ask ... or the kids need to ask... emphasis on ASK not TELL.