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This is Priceless

TwoOfUs's picture

Adult daughter used to talk to her dad on the phone every night about his marriage problems with her mom. She told him to get divorced and find happiness.

Can't for the life of her understand why her dad's new wife didn't like her or get along with her. 

(Um. It's called "mini-wife syndrome" and "emotional enmeshment" sweetheart. Look it up.) 

If her stepmom was as horrible as she claims, excluding her and her brother from the dad's bedside at his death...then there's no excuse for that. But she sounds like she wasn't any picnic, either. (And who knows. Maybe her dad didn't want them there...though it's easier to blame stepmom, of course.) 

 

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/dear-stepmother-an-adult-daughter-s-lett...

Comments

CLove's picture

Anonymous and Rebeccas, from just this year. And other posters.

Some stepparents arent good, I found myself wanting to be on the side of the stepparent, but after reading Rebeccas comments I started wondering. The poster SOUNDS on the level, but then we all know that some skids tell lies and rewrite the truth to their own liking.

Im going to write my will this year, and have DH write his, so there is no confusion about anything.

Even if the Skids are bad - you still let them know their parent died, and still allow them to the bedside - unless they are crazy and will make your spouse miserable.

Reading Steptalk sure has opened my eyes.

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh...I agree that some stepparents are bad...just like some people in all categories are bad. And I also agree that you don't exclude kids from their parent's deathbed or funeral unless the parent specifically requested it. 

However, it seems clear to me, reading between the lines...that this girl was emotionally enmeshed with her father in an unhealthy way. What parent thinks it's a good idea to call his daughter every day to discuss his marital problems (with HER mom) and cry on the phone to her about it? Not a very good one. 

It sounds like this stepmom walked into a completely dysfunctional scenario from the get-go, which likely resulted in a lot of resentment and hurt feelings all around. However, it's more likely that was created by the dad getting his emotional needs met by his daughter rather than the stepmom...in my experience this is pretty common. 

tog redux's picture

I'm confused, did I read the right article? That stepmother sounded truly awful (there are bad ones). She seriously didn't tell the skid her father died and banned her from the bedside? That's just evil.

TwoOfUs's picture

Of course there are bad ones. 

But read the comments...that's more what I was referring to. She describes how her dad used to call her every day to cry about his marriage to her mom and ask her advice...I think that's really weird, enmeshed, codependent behavior that would likely make it difficult for the wife. 

She also talks about how her dad wouldn't meet with her alone, even after she told him she wanted nothing to do with his wife. I think my DH should see his kids alone and I encourage it...but I wouldn't like his kids telling me I wasn't allowed to join them...

Aniki's picture

I spent 3 years going through fertility treatments with my exh. He seemed gungho about wanting a child... until he got drunk and the truth came out. He was only going through those treatments to appease me and that, if any child had resulted from them, he would consider that child A MISTAKE HE HAD TO LIVE WITH. What.The.F*ck. I immediately stopped treatments.
I'm not saying that's the case in this story. Then again, it's also possible this IS the case.

And that comment "You came into a family where you weren’t wanted"... I think that comment is how the writer actually felt. Why not say "you came into a family where you weren't NEEDED"? Obviously the FATHER wanted the wife.

We're only getting one side to the story. The writer acts like she is the innocent in all of this and that the stepmother is the epitome of the Evil Stepmother protrayed in stories. Many of us here know that adult skids can be total shi'theads, but act like they are the victims. Adult skids resent the step parent. Adult skids are POd they have to "share their inheritance". Adult skids are narcs. Adult skids lie. Adult skids gaslight.

Maybe that writer DID talk to her father every day. Maybe she didn't. Maybe the father changed his burial wishes and the daughter did not know. It's all speculation without the SM's side of things.

To be honest, I would ban BioHo from my husband's funeral. 'Ho may have pooped out 2 of his children, but she never loved him and only cared about him in regards to money, money, money (yes, I know this for a fact). She would not be there to mourn. DH's kids/skids can console each other and go cry on 'Ho AFTERWARDS. But I'll be damned if that skank will be there making a mockery of grief.

ETA: There is also the possibillty that the father told his daughter he was miserable because he thought that is what she wanted to hear. I was in a relationship with someone who tried to please everyone. IOW, he would say ANYTHING to avoid dealing with their anger. So when his mother upset him? He lied and said that *I* didn't like her and didn't want him to be around her. He told ME that he didn't want to see his mother because he was mad at her. The pieces finally fell into place when his mother and I sat down for a looooooooong (HOURS) talk and realized what he was doing. Some people simply cannot handle ANY negatvity from others.

It's disturbing to read skids commenting that the SM is REPLACING them. Um. EW!!! The SM (or dad) is an INTIMATE PARTNER.

CLove's picture

Toxic Troll is definitely not invited to DH funeral, if he preceedes me. And I will not be the one to alert Toxic Feral Eldest, that will be the job of Munchkin SD12.

TwoOfUs's picture

Read the comments more closely, Aniki! 

Her dad was calling and crying and saying he was miserable with the blogger's mom...not her stepmom. She says that she "told him to get divorced" as evidence that she had no personal animosity against her stepmom...but seriously. How enmeshed is it to talk to Daddyyyy every day on the phone and tell him to divorce your own mom? After the divorce...she never mentions her mom at all...I wonder how that relationship is. 

In later comments, she says that she told her dad she wanted to see him without SM present, and her dad "just laughed" at the request. 

Honestly...in my (un)professional opinion, this guy did his daughter a grave disservice by allowing her to become way, way, way too involved in his emotional well-being...and, then, when he met someone and got married HE tried to back away from that and let his poor wife take the fall. 

Whatever. Again, it's far too common. These dads set their kids up as partners to selfishly meet their own emotional needs...and then when they find a wife they play "stuck in the middle" while the stepkids and stepmom duke it out. 

And yeah...the idea that SM's want to "displace" the skids or (even grosser) the mom / ex-wife. Hilarious. 

Aniki's picture

Sorry, TwoOfUs.

It bothers me that adult skids are often all-too-ready to scream vicitm and place the blame for everything "negative" squarely on the shouders of the step parent.

I fully admit that I have made mistakes. And I have apologized for them. You know that saying "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"? Well, not to the SDs. They were joking around and, in the 'Ho House, razzing is "part of being family". DH and I laughed and made a few silly comments. The things the SDs said were much more outrageous (in fact, they were being downright hateful). But, suddenly, I was being SNARKY and MEAN. WTH?? The look on DH's face should have been next to BAFFLED in the dictionary. IOW, it was okay for the SDs to say crappy things, but not the "outsider". BTW, SS19's socks DID look like he'd run a marathon in them.

I agree the man did his daughter a disservice. He should not have involved his (adult) child in his marital problems. A child is NOT a life partner.

TwoOfUs's picture

Ah yes. Been there...done that. 

The old "treat them just like your VERY OWN" and "love them just like your OWN KIDS!" trap...and then the minute you do actually act like part of the family (disciplining, joking around, etc.) you get the rug pulled out from under you and are immediately reminded that you are NOT. 

It's all BS. 

And, yes. I get very tired of adult skids acting entitled to their parents forever and placing all blame for anything wrong with their relationship on the stepmom. Fact: Your relationship was dysfunctional and unhealthy looooonnnnnggggggg before I showed up. 

Aniki's picture

Yes, it IS all BS. Especially blaming the SM.

I didn't make your mother a skanky cheating 'ho.
I didn't make your father divorce your skanky 'ho mother.
I did not make your mother a drunk who frequently upchucked in front of you.
I did not make your 'ho mother move 22 men in and out of the 'Ho House in a 24-month time.

What I HAVE done is:
Given my time AND money when DH needed help.
Cooked meals and goodies (until I disengaged).
Been available to his kids/skids whenever they needed a ride, an item they left at our house, an ear when they needed to talk (until the SDs tried to gaslight me and I am no longer available for jack for them).
Supported your father's (stepfather) decisions, been there for him when he had major surgery (where the f*ck were YOU for 6 months, SDs?? oh, that's right - DH was only receiving 50% of his pay, so no money was to be had).
Make your father (stepfather) happy.

HAPPY. I'm sure THAT is the kicker. DH was not mourning the loss of a cheating whore who spawned 2 of his children. He finally has a wife who is a partner in every way, who is reliable, trustworthy, and faithful. It's certainly not my fault that your 'ho mother raised you to see dad/stepdad as nothing more than an ATM. Shame on you for being sh!tty to him.

Blue Moon's picture

Also, does anybody else think this line is creepy?

«When I was nine-years-old, I took out a book called When Your Mom and Dad Divorce. My mother asked me if I was making plans; I told her I was keeping my options open.»

TwoOfUs's picture

lol.

That line jumped out at me as well as very odd and even sociopathic. What kind of Electra-complex makes you fantasize about your mom and dad divorcing? 

Welp. Be careful what you wish for, little girl... 

Iamwoman's picture

Hmm let’s see:

1. She is a “coach” - I’m assuming “life coach” to other adult skids who hate their stepmothers... so this woman has essentially created a career out of hating her stepmother.

2. Her own father didn’t want to visit her after she shunned his new wife.

3. Her father’s “dying words” to her were “be nice to your stepmother” ...this indicates three things: 1. She is cruel to her stepmother, 2. She clearly doesn’t respect her father’s dying wishes as evidenced by the online blog she wrote, and 3. She DID know her father was dying and she was around him enough to hear his final wish for her... meaning her entire blog exists because either her father, or her father’s wife, or both as a married couple, wanted exclusively during his dying moments (something I would want with my own DH as well) and this skid resents that.

4. The writer states that her SM was “verbally abusive” to her “for no reason at all.” ...I’m not buying this. As parents we hear this far too often from kids: (insert adult authority figure) was (mean/angry/whatever) “for no reason at all!” ... except we discover eventually that there was a very good reason, but kid/skid failed to acknowledge that reason.

 

All in all, it appears the writer is (among other things) at the very least, immature, entitled, enmeshed, and disrespectful. Her obsessive career choice also leads me to believe she is psychotic.

TwoOfUs's picture

Her obsessive career choice also leads me to believe she is psychotic.

Lol. Yes...this and the fact that she was planning the demise of her parents' marriage when she was 9. 

Her letter and comments are so full of contradictions. She wasn't allowed near her father's bedside yet she heard his final words about being nice to her stepmom. She hadn't "talked to her dad for over 10 years" because of her stepmom, but she knew his final wishes were to be buried rather than cremated? 

And why would she even need a copy of her dad's death certificate? What is that about? When my dad died, my mom didn't offer all his kids copies of his death certificate and autopsy report...because she was his WIFE and she was handling it. That speaks to some weird, entitled level of control right there.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Interesting read (and I read all of the comments). 

There seemed to be a lot of pain, anger, resentment, and victimhood (as well as sweeping generalizations) in the comments from presumably adult skids. In contrast, the comments from SMs were less biased, offered insight, and even pointed out mistakes daddees make that lead to these polarized relationships.

I was proud of the way my SM sisters handled themselves (and a big hug if any of the commenters are here on STalk).

Except in cases of infidelity, stepparents aren't the ones who break up families. We marry into already broken dynamics and are expected to happily be collateral damage in someone else's failed family.

I can't help but wonder how much of step strife can be attributed to childcentric parenting? I was raised by parents who had experienced World Wars and the Great Depression, and they did not approach parenting the way American parents have for the past forty years. Given the high divorce rate and the likelihood that most Americans will end up in a stepfamily at some point, shouldn't we be teaching kids to be adaptable, flexible, and resilient? 

 

 

TwoOfUs's picture

But ExJulie...that would destroy their little fantasy bubble. How will they survive if the world doesn't revolve around them 24/7?? 

I agree on all your insights. So much anger and vitriol directed toward all stepmoms by supposed adults...and then talking out of the other side of their mouths about how stepmoms are cruel and bash stepkids. Double standard much? 

Anyway...I also agree a lot of it is the result of child-centric parenting. I think a lot of first families fail because one or both parents put their kids on a pedestal and go to their kids for emotional support they should be getting from their spouse. Then it ramps up 1000X when these same worshipped kids become CODs. 

It's all very sickening. 

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh...and this priceless phrase from one of the OP's comments:

"Fortunately, she has been silent as the grave since the court proceedings ended and I pray she stays that way and has a blessed life far away from me. When she dies, I plan to exhume my dad’s ashes so that my brothers and I can put them where we wish."

What court proceedings? And why did the letter-writer expect he SM to give her a copy of the death certificate? Why did she think she should have a say in anything related to his final arrangements at all? She sounds incredibly entitled and controlling, if you read deep enough in the comments...you start to get a better picture of the full story.  

I'm starting to put the pieces together and it looks like poor little COD wanted to control her dad's final affairs and probably his finances, too. She took her SM to court over it (Hope she lost big time...thinking she did or she would have mentioned winning in court as proof that SM had gone against her dad's expressed wishes.) 

Well, sweetheart...good luck to you and your brothers if you try to exhume your dad's ashes and put them where you want them after SM dies. Your dad is clearly where he wanted to be...in the care of his wife...and I highy doubt any court will grant you permission to override his final wishes and exhume his ashes because that would make you happy. 

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

TBH, I noticed that comment as well. The OP believes she has the right to disinter her father's cremains and remove them after her SM dies. O  Reely? I'm not so sure about that.

My DH will be buried in mfamily plot. Not that the skids would ever trouble themselves to visit his grave anyway, but they would have zero right to tamper with it.