Adult SKID in House...Getting More & More Awkward
My SS is now 18 and is still coming over EOWE for visitation.
He is not going to college in the fall, so I don't see this ending any time soon. In fact, he is coming over MORE as he is trying to start up his own business with a friend and is using our conference room & equipment in our finished out basement to get launched. Of course, DH is thrilled but: 1.) This is taking a lot of DH's time and, if you've read my previous blogs, DH hasn't been too great about making money himself lately...he needs to be building his own client list, not helping his 18-year-old son get clients, and 2.) I don't want him here 2-3 days a week when I get home from a long day at work!
I recently (last weekend) bought SS a really nice, heavy-duty gaming and video editing laptop that he is paying me back for starting in October. Since he isn't going to college yet, DH and I felt we could support his pursuits in this way...we plan to take the money he pays me back and put it in a separate savings account that we will give him when/if he decides to pursue secondary education. He really is a sweet kid and he was near tears thanking me and his dad for our help. Part of the reason I bought it, of course, was so that he wouldn't need to come over as much. This past Friday, though, he had meetings all day in our basement conference room...he brought his new computer over in its box and set it up. Gah! My one day off work and he was there from 10 am on...bringing his new computer over in a cardboard box that he could easily drop. Drives me crazy. I pointed it out to DH...and he said: "Maybe we can get him a nice bag for it on Amazon." Um...no. Your son is making more $$$ than you are right now.
I don't mean to be so testy, and I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I guess since OSD quit coming over the second she turned 18, I just assumed it would be the same with SS. It's just weird having another "adult" in the home—it feels like our house is basically his hotel. He goes to work, visits with friends, goes to the movies...comes here to eat, shower, use our stuff. I really hate it.
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Yes...I think maybe we could
Yes...I think maybe we could get there. I do think he'd still come over EOWE, but maybe the weekday / workday visits would stop.
I got him the laptop, which I told him to set-up and use like a desktop so as to preserve it. He did that at his mom's and sent a picture, which looked great. He even got a keyboard (which helps keep a laptop nice) and a second monitor for video work. There's really no reason for him to have to do anything here...I think he just wants to prove to my DH that he's working. SS is not in our basement...DH is. That's his office, which he needs to have without distractions.
Maybe I'm just being pissy, but I feel like this really isn't what I signed up for. I should probably just let it go and let my DH enjoy the time with his son. It's just that 1.) I'm paying almost all household bills right now, so SS being there so much definitely adds to the burden, and 2.) DH really does need to focus and figure out what to do next. I feel like, maybe, all of this intense focus on SS is his way of avoiding his own needs.
I don't know what happened
I don't know what happened with my DH, and, if I'm honest, sometimes I worry that it's my fault...that I've created this problem. Maybe I'm overthinking it.
My DH and I launched a business together, but I always ALSO had a PT job on the side. Or two. Not that I was overworked by any stretch of the imagination...my PT work was never more than 20 or so hours a week, and the rest of my time I devoted to our joint ventures. DH always focused exclusively on our business, which did fairly well over the years but wasn't 100% sustainable for us. Recently (May) one of my side-hustles became more lucrative and I started putting in more hours, leaving my DH to handle more of our business. This made him very upset, but I held my ground. I don't plan on scraping by forever. I also feel like he was upset because my increase in hours coincided with a slump for him / our business, so I understand that he felt a little emasculated. Around the same time I got this offer, DH got rejected about 12 times in a row...just one after the other. We've had ups-and-downs before, but this was unprecedented and slightly terrifying. I'm not sure what he expected me to do. We truly would not have made it through this summer without this opportunity for me cropping up and, as it is, we've been able to take a couple small vacations together, get some new equipment, pay off a debt, get some work done on the house...and DH and SD went to NYC together for her birthday. All on a PT client for me (25-30 hours-a-week). I thought he would be happy about this...but he hasn't been.
My DH is typically a hard worker, but this spring and summer...since May, in particular, has been a real challenge. I am certain that he was (is?) depressed. Recently, he's gotten some new opportunities on the hook, including a rather large one that should pay this week or next. I am hoping that he'll snap out of whatever this funk has been when that hits.
Putting on my bm hat for a
Putting on my bm hat for a minute if my 18 year old wanted to launch a business that is already bringing in money out of my house you would bet I would let him and enjoy having him around and resent it like all hell if my spouse thought visits should end at 18. I also would never get into a lender-lendee relationship with my skid. If I could not afford to give the laptop as a gift then he would need to get it another way. Just sets up for trouble.
For you, I think you should address your ss being there separately from your dh need to get up and go. Anything could keep him from those pursuits. Maybe they can go into business together?
That's good advice, better
That's good advice, better life. I certainly respect my DH and his parenting, which has created some good kids, for the most part. And I don't want to do anything to get in the way of that. I am confident that I have been an asset and have helped foster a strong relationship between DH and his kids.
You're probably right that I need to separate my DH and his needs from my SS trying to launch. And, I do understand that, ultimately, it's good for everyone if SS is successful. I think I'm just feeling resentful because of the finances, honestly.
As for the laptop payments...that was DH's idea since SS has been handed so much from both us and, especially, his grandparents (trips, a car, one year of car maintenance and insurance, clothes, electronics, etc.) I don't need SS to pay me back for the laptop, which is why I suggested setting the money aside to gift back to him for his next pursuit. DH wants him to have a regular monthly bill that he has responsibility for as a way to help him grow and develop better money-management skills which, currently, are fairly atrocious. Also, it's not realistic to run a business and have zero overhead...I think if we let SS think that's how it works, he's in for a rude awakening eventually. DH has even made him a coupon booklet like he would get with a car loan so that he has a physical reminder to make payments and to keep track of what he owes. All in all, I think it's a great idea.