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Did he really just say that? - a vent

Trying to Stepmom's picture

DH is supposed to have SD tomorrow and gave her the deadline of 9pm to let him know if she has other plans (with friends). He called her and let her know that she would have to spend a little bit of time in after school care since he couldn’t get across town until 4 at the earliest. She said something about checking with BM. (This is where I think DH should have just called BM to start with, even though he avoids talking to BM.) I also think she gave him a cop out answer since she doesn’t like to go to after school care. 

Once he hung up, he said something about letting her decide. Decide? Decide? 

She is 13, she should not be making the final decision on when she with her parent. Then DH said something about making her think it was her decision. What?!? Does he hear himself? I said to him “how is letting her think she made the decision helping anything?” He didn’t really have anything to say after that. 

BM ended up calling him and they finalized details. He then called SD and let her know what’s up (even though she is at BM’s house). *eye roll*

And I know I’m venting, but I also feel bad because as I’m venting, he’s putting our toddler to bed, even though he has a headache. Ugh. 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

I made the mistake of talking to my sister who is a teacher of middle schoolers about some of SS14's crap. 

I guess the big thing is schools right now is having the children get a say in their discipline and how they want to learn. I wound up in a huge argument with her over it (I have BD12,BS13, SS14 and SS19-special needs and she has no kids of her own). 

While I do acknowledge that each kid is different in learning styles and that teachers need to teach in a way that touches on multiple styles for students to get the most out of the lesson- I FIRMLY believe that this is why we have a generation of entitled, self absorbed asshole semi-adults running around and everyone is complaining. 

In the real world if you get in trouble, the judge isn't going to ask what the offender thinks is a fair punishment! In the real world, outside of your field of expertise, you don't decide what you will or won't do based on your preferences. 

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

13 year old to have a voice and input in matters that effect them and much to be gained.

Allowing input does not cede authority or surrender power on the part of the parent; all that it does is say to the child that you are willing to. Hear and consider their feelings and thoughts as you make a decision.

Even the least amongst us deserve to be given a voice. This is why family court judges will often seek input from kids of a certain age when decisions. The judge's authority is not eroded by those actions but the effectiveness of the decision is often enhanced by the additional input.

Your husband is right in that buy -in from his daughter or the feeling that she is heard is a good thing.

 

 

Thisisnotus's picture

Do you have teenage daughters or step daughters dividing their time with mom and dad and making decisions based on what would benefit them the most in any circumstance?

Let me tell you....I have 5 of these said teen daughters/step daughters and giving them a "say" in deciding when or where to be with mom or dad.....yeah....that doesn't work. People make plans for when they DO or DON'T have the kids in divorces....NOBODY wants to sit around waiting for the kids to decide what their plans are going to be before they can make any plans....NOPE.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

 People make plans for when they DO or DON'T have the kids in divorces....NOBODY wants to sit around waiting for the kids to decide what their plans are going to be before they can make any plans....NOPE.

Case and point, my last blog about SD going to a football game. She kind of made plans but nothing was set in stone. And then it ruined our whole evening. I was going to make a nice dinner and try and have some alone time with DH. Well, that all went to hell. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

So what happens in a case where offspring are allowed to decide all these important things then turn around and and say ‘I never see you’. Let them have an input on their own plans for a few weeks running and Merry hell would happen. Ditched for a better offer, then kick up a stink because they feel left out. The reason why kids don’t get a big say in stuff is that they can very manipulative, and don’t understand how their actions affect a whole family. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

SD would complain that we only did fun things when she wasn’t around. 

Well honey, you (and your BM) chose to sleep in, not answer your phones, or decide to change plans. We are going to live our lives regardless. 

Thisisnotus's picture

OMG so much yes!  SD12 will ignore her dad and sleep until 4 pm.....then act all pissy if we did something without her. I get up at 6 am every single day...I am not waiting until 5 PM to start my day....DH spent over 2 years catering to this bull shit from SD and BM......I finally put my foot down and no longer include SD12 in any of my plans...and thank god DH is finally on board...if she graces us with her presence then great....if not then oh well.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

Allowing input does not cede authority or surrender power on the part of the parent; all that it does is say to the child that you are willing to. Hear and consider their feelings and thoughts as you make a decision.

There is a difference between allowing input and letting the child call all the shots. 

It’s the difference between having SD stay at BM’s (most likely alone or with BM’s BF on a day that DH is supposed to have her) because she doesn’t want to spend 30 minutes at after school care (probably because her friends aren’t there) or SD spends the extra time after school, possibly gets some homework done and then gets to spend time with DH. 

DH can hear her opinion all he wants (and let her know she’s being heard) but ultimately go with the option that works. Because trust me, a lot of SD’s “options” are so outlandish. She doesn’t seem to understand the concept of time, money, gas, or consideration of other people. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

But what got me is that he said he wanted her to feel like she was making the decision, when in reality it’s always her making the decision. 

I’ve now been in her life for almost half of it and more often than not, decisions (even ones that should be finalized by parents) were left up to her. Her BM constantly says “well, let me see what SD wants to do.” DH has done less of it these days. He’s gotten away from the big decision things (mainly vacations). And because of it, SD has missed out on some fun things with us because of her decisions (which we won’t let her double back on). Which maybe has helped her realize that our lives still go on even when she is not with us (that was a big thing when she was younger).

DH and I are both educators and I often pose the question “would you let your students get away with this?” I don’t know what happens with the administrators as far as if they give students options about their discipline, but I feel like my students get too many chances and with his students, it’s one and done. [Different age groups, but still...]