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Update- SD thinks I HIT HER

TrueNorth77's picture

So I posted earlier today (2-3 posts down from this one) about how SD12 has done a 180 on me, doesn't seem to want anything to do with me, is being a brat to DH, and most recently told her teacher/my friend that I'm not her SM, I'm her "dad's wife". This is the same girl who, at our wedding reception this past September, made a whole rap about how DH and I met and performed it in front of the entire reception, saying how I was pretty and DH was "meh" (lol), and spent hours and hours on it because she wanted to do it for me mostly. 

Anyway. Today, DH took SD to the Dentist (even though it's Crazy's week with skids...sigh, DH being way too nice), and asked SD about her saying I'm just his wife. He came at her pretty hard and was yelling, even though I asked him not to. But he is not impressed with her behavior. He kept pressing her, and she finally screamed  "she stopped being my SM and became your wife when she pushed me against the wall and you defended your girlfriend!".  OMG. 

Backstory: I have been in SD's life since she was 6- when she was about 7, I got a text from Crazy (before I had her blocked) saying SD had told her I hit her, and "did you hit my daughter"? I was completely floored. I have never hit a child. I have never even had to really yell at SD, I've never gotten close to hitting her. When SD came back from Crazy's, we asked her about it- she eventually said that DH and I were laying on the couch and I "pushed her face"- while DH was there. This 100% never happened. She then changed her story and said it happened when we were upstairs in the bathroom by the attic door (we weren't even in the bathroom together). I told her then that I would never do that. This was almost 6yrs ago and It all blew over, hasn't been mentioned since. DH knew it wasn't true, and the fact that Crazy never called the police or CPS (she was always calling CPS back then) makes me think she knew it wasn't true also. And she is probably the one who put the idea in SD's head to begin with. But I have thought of this instance often- you don't forget being accused of hitting a kid and then hearing the kid tell you the completely made-up story. 

So DH kind of lost his sh*t on SD today when she said that I pushed her against the wall 6yrs ago (back then she said I pushed her face, never against the wall, but apparently the story has evolved). He got very protective of me because he knows it isn't true, and yelled at her and threw some logic at her to make her question her belief in this story- he's like, oh yes, is that the reason you have been close to TrueNorth77 all these years? Because you were sooo traumitized by her hitting you? And why you made a whole rap for her/us for our wedding? You've just been hiding this trauma all these years under a good relationship with her? He told her that people sometimes have false memories, and gave examples from his sister. He said the fact is, this didn't happen. 

Things calmed down a bit, but then SD told him she wants to kill herself. DH doesn't think she's just saying it for attention- he thinks she is really having those thoughts. Her reasons were because of a friend that makes fun of her clothes (this friend doesn't dress nice and SD does, plus this friend literally just OD'd on HEROIN, so she's in no position to throw stones), and a boy SD met once last July and lives in another state stopped talking to her in JANUARY and SD just cannot get over it. SD finally opened up about these things to DH, and he did a great job of talking to her about it all. He told her he's dealt with these thoughts and it gets better, and all the ways we can help. He is going to find her a therapist. He thinks that her bringing up this "pushing her against the wall" thing is a way to add the list of reasons for her life being so bad, and it's not real. Apparently she told him she feels sorry for saying those things about me, and at the end of the conversation she seemed much lighter and happy. 

When DH told me that she said that, I felt sick to my stomach and like I just don't even know what to do with this situation. She's almost 13 and she brought it up again, so it feels like she must believe it. DH disagrees, he think she doesn't believe it and is just using it to make it seem like she's been through a lot. It's weird though, not a peep in almost 6 yrs, and now she mentions it after her behavior abruptly changes? Maybe Crazy mentioned it again. I don't know. DH thinks maybe I should chat with SD about this incident. I am just exhausted by all of it. 

Comments

CLove's picture

Id say talking is over. Instead the three D's:

Documentation. Distance. Disengagement.

TrueNorth77's picture

I don't think I have much left to give anyway. 

dragonfly878's picture

Absolutely agree. Two years ago when SS was 12 I could have written parts of this post.. SS(now 14) accused DH of choking him. NEVER ONCE has DH laid a finger on him (or anyone else for that matter). He was making big bold statements about DH at night. In the morning I ripped into him in front of DH and SS tried to take it all back and minimize what he said. DH had tears in his eyes. That was the last time I ever fully engaged in an exchange with SS. 

Survivingstephell's picture

No do not entertain this drama.  Let DH handle as you watch from a safe distance.  Do not give her anymore ammunition to throw out there.  If she's threatening suicide then call her bluff and take her to the ER for a psych evaluation.  

TrueNorth77's picture

I think this is what I'm going to do. I don't think I'm going to talk to her about it. It's not going to change the dynamic she's creating anyway, so what's the point? DH can take this one.

la_dulce_vida's picture

If DH REALLY believes she's having suicidal ideation, he needs to not be a wimp and "take her to therapy." She needs to have a professional intervention NOW at the ER. Don't play around with this. If she's serious, she will be evaluated and get help immediately. If she is not serious, she will still get the help she needs and will understand that EACH statement of the same sort will be met with an immediate trip to the ER. One of my children threatened suicide to get attention and after a trip to the ER never played that game again because I promised each time would result in an ER trip.

caninelover's picture

I would tell DH that she needs to be in therapy first.  If the therapist suggests a joint session then ok.  But that step first.

advice.only2's picture

Sounds like she’s looking for attention even if it’s the negative kind.  I hope your DH talked to her about how falsely accusing people of something (especially in today's day and age) can cost people their jobs, their homes, their children and even their lives.  If she really is in need of a "grippy sock vacation" then your DH needs to get her an appt with a doctor and a therapist.  Personally I would go the extra mile and get nanny cams and let SD know those are now there for everybodies protection.

TrueNorth77's picture

I did laugh at Grippy sock vacation. I'm going to ask if he mentioned how serious a thing it is to accuse someone of. If I did talk to her, I was certainly going to make the point myself. He needs to get her into a therapist, stat, but I know from recently trying to find one myself that they are booked so far out, it's not an easy feat.

advice.only2's picture

If he can't get her into a therapist for months taking her to a doctor might expedite the process.  I only say this because a friend of mine just lost her niece to suicide and it's been heartbreaking to watch what they are going through. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

If he calls somewhere with a youth crisis line and says that SD told him she wants to kill herself, he'll likely get her an intake and first appointment pretty fast. Not guaranteed, of course, but YSK got an intake next day and first appointment the following week when we needed the services.

Honestly, attention seeking or real, anytime a kid threatens to kill or harm themselves, it needs to be taken seriously. Either it is a serious threat, something else happened that they haven't disclosed, or they really are attention seeking. Sitting through a session with the threat of a 72 hour hold without their phone, friends, television, etc will generally get the attention seeking to stop. Therapy is still needed, but for a totally different reason.

TrueNorth77's picture

DH is a skeptic about SD's statements because she's prone to drama, but he is taking this one seriously. I think the possibility of a hold is not a bad idea. If there is a chance it's attention-seeking, I know she doesn't realize the severity of these statements. 
Thanks for the tips on getting a therapist faster! 

Tried out's picture

if he stresses that a false accusation could destroy someone that's potentially giving her the gun with which to shoot you...

TrueNorth77's picture

I have thought of this also. If she really is now fully team Crazy and for some reason wants to do damage, while this pathetic story won't get her far, what else might she say? I said this to DH tonight. I'm slightly worried about what else she might say- and although he strongly believes she doesn't really think I pushed or hit her and nothing will come of her saying that, he did hesitate and agree that he isn't sure she wouldn't say something else, with the brainwashing of Crazy and how lost she seems now. I'm not sure she should know how damaging it can be. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

Why is she talking to a boy online at 12??? And why is she allowed to hang out with someone who OD'd on herion? MY SD17 is immature for her age and does thngs years later then most kids her age but I guess I prefer that then 12 years olds acting lke 16 year olds. 

Seriously - DISENGAGE!! This girl will never love you. They do when they are little kids but once adolescent hits it just changes.

TrueNorth77's picture

I'm realizing the honeymoon is over for SD and I. I will most certainly disengage, but it's only really been a week since this all abruptly happened, so still trying to wrap my head around it and see which SD comes back from Crazy's on Monday. 
 

Regarding the boy- she met him at a 4th of July party last year when she was with Crazy. Apparently she kept in touch with him- no idea via what mode, but Crazy does not limit social media or apps. We do not allow Snapchat here, otherwise she has everything and I'm the only one who was checking it, so...but I never saw the messages to this kid.

Regarding heroin friend- this is just insane. It's one of SD's 2 best friends who lives blocks from us- this girl was at her aunt's house with her cousin and they saw the aunt doing heroin. They then went and got the heroin and the cousin talked her into trying it. She had to be narcan'd back to life. SD is not allowed to hang out with her, but they still go to school together and talk there. Just the other day SD was trying to manipulate me Into talking DH into letting her hang out with her (at our house). DH said if she's making fun of SD and part of her suicidal thoughts, no way in hell are they hanging out. Why would SD even want to??? Doesn't make sense.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I wonder if your SD is doing the pre-teen version of chasing "bad boys" but with her friendship.  She probably thinks its cool to have and edgy friend.  And as for the this girl being mean to her, there are loads of life coaches out there who make a good living teaching men how to pick up women by "negging" them.  I don't understand this but it is a thing.

 

TrueNorth77's picture

I told DH last night that I thought about it and don't plan on talking to SD about the "Truenorth pushed me against the wall/pushed my face" accusation from 6+ years ago and also yesterday. I said, I'm going to let you handle tihs one- this is a really serious accusation, and I'm struggling with it. I feel sick and I'm struggling to want to have anything to do with SD. I'm dreading her even coming to our house. DH totally understands and feels for me because he knows it's a crap situation for me. He said he really doesn't believe she means it and was just throwing out something she'd heard as something to blame for the things she'd said (that I'm her dad's wife, not SM), and he just hopes I'm able to keep an open mind that she is in a bad place....he thinks she will turn around. I said I understand that, but my worry is that she may say something else that isn't true about me if, especially now that she seems to be all team-Crazy. He didn't disagree. So, I think keeping my distance is the best bet. He was calling around to get her into therapy this morning. 

Thumper's picture

Child protection must come first, eval for suicidal ideology. DH is  acting outside his scope of expertise to make a decision if his daughter is making this up..Proper diagnosis leads to proper treatment.

Next, sd would no longer be allowed inside MY home. She made a very bold statement you assaulted her. That is very serious too. This is for her protection as well as your protection. 

About alleged abuse, her lies could cost you your job, your marriage, your community and bucket loads of money defending yourself in court for child abuse.

Please do not be alone anywhere with her. 

Keep us posted. 

 

TrueNorth77's picture

DH is  acting outside his scope of expertise to make a decision if his daughter is making this up..Proper diagnosis leads to proper treatment.

No, DH DOES believe her about suicidal thoughts- he was very concerned and called around first thing this morning to try and find a therapist for her. He's not taking any chances and doesn't think she's making it up.
What he doesn't believe her about, (because he knows it didn't happen) is her saying I pushed her against the wall when she was 7. 
Luckily I will be gone for work Mon/Tue night, and then we leave for our trip on Wed, so I will not be alone with her. Ask me if I'm excited for this trip with skids after this BS...

TrueNorth77's picture

Trust me, this has crossed my mind a million times. I'm literally only doing it for DH, I know he would be really bummed if I didn't go and he's been so excited to show me South Dakota...

Survivingstephell's picture

So what if he's bummed.  Looks like he has bigger things on his plate to deal with.  Or leave SD behind with her mother, grandparents, psyche ward.... 

stepmomnorth's picture

It feels like she is getting rewarded with a nice trip after nonstop lying about you hitting her. It's pretty serious to make up false accusations of that nature.. Then what, she gets to go on a nice trip? Has she admitted she was making it all up? Has she apologized at all? Did she say she will stop doing this? 

On top of that there's some other serious issues with her mental health that you're right in the middle of dealing with

Personally, I would just bow out of the trip. 

 

TrueNorth77's picture

But DH canceling the trip (that is also SS16's trip, and we have $1,300 already spent on an airbnb) for his daughter who wants to kill herself and is looking forward to this trip doesn't seem likely. She hasn't been to our home since this all happened on Wed- this is Crazy's week- DH just happened to be taking her to an appt.that day. She comes on Monday, DH said there will be more talks had with her. Honestly, this is extremely out of character for her- she has been almost a perfect kid up until the last 2 weeks (except when she made this accusation when she was 7, but pretty sure her mom is the one putting it in her head). She doesn't lie, follows rules and direction, gets good grades, is kind to friends and everyone, respectful to me. It is completely out of left field. When she comes on Monday, all of the questions you mentioned will be asked by DH, because those are the ones I want answered as well. She did tell DH that same day she feels sorry for saying it, but that's all so far. 

barkingdog828's picture

SD busted a hole in our wall and when I called her dad and told him, she made up this lie and said I "locked her out of the house". Truth, she was throwing a tantrum in our driveway laying down and I unlocked outdoor and walked biodaughter in and stood in the door way and told her when she's done I guess she can come in the house. She also told her biomom I that "smacked her mouth" and "cut her hair" (2 separate occasions, years apart). None of these things happened. 
I think SD are just extremely over dramatic and crave attention. 
Skids are fucked up. Absolutely fucked all the way up. 
 

im sorry you're dealing with this. I say disengage. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Unreal. Sorry you had to deal with it also. I will say this is so out of character for SD that we are completely stunned, so I'm hoping it was something she blurted out and immediately regretted. She did tell DH she felt bad for saying it, but she hasn't been to our house yet to see how it will all play out.