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Um, DH is not allowing SD to come here

TrueNorth77's picture

I posted a new blog after I posted this one. Any advice is welcome because we are at a loss....


Just when you think this could not be more of a disaster....

SS17 apparently told Crazy that DH and I are going out of the country for 2wks next Fri. We were going to allow SS to stay at our house during our custody time (3 nights, then he would go by Crazy's for a week, and then 4 nights) to watch our cats. This way we wouldn't have to contact her to arrange a switch, it's not in the ROFR guidelines, and SS will be 18 in a month- we have home security cameras everywhere. He will be fine. I told him that we would never tell him NOT to tell his mom, but did mention that if he told her we were leaving, she would not want him to stay alone, and also probably cause issues for us. So what did he do? Told her anyway. 

DH got a barrage of ridiculous messages on OFW. "I heard you save all your vacation time for your vacay and not for SD's Dr's appt's (he doesn't need to use vacay, this is like the 5th time she has sent this same message), and that you are enjoying your time away from SD. SS is NOT staying at your house alone, he will be staying at my house. DH replied that he is fine staying at our house, we have cameras. Crazy said, He will NOT be staying there, he will stay with me, and how awful of you for not wanting to switch with me to spend time with him". THEN she sent another message asking when we would be gone, saying "I will be gone in May for a month, you can take SD for a month, it will be good for you to make up time you have missed with her". WTF? She sent another one saying, When will you be gone, I need to know if you will take the kid, obviously not SS since he will be 18 by then, just SD...I will be gone April 28th-May 29th. Oh really? So the same day you find out we are going on vacay, all of a sudden you are just "leaving" for a whole month, and you happen to be leaving 2 days after we get back? Give me a F'ing break you lunatic. She is such a liar, she isn't going anywhere! She legitimately made this up. And then, weeks later, it's fine if SS is alone, but not now?? She said some things about how DH hasn't contacted SD, and he's like, SD has me blocked!! Crazy said she had SD unblock him, and shortly after that SD text DH asking "When are you leaving for vacation"? She only asked that for Crazy. DH didn't even respond. 

Today, DH gets a text at work from SD saying she doesn't feel well (again) and asked if he could pick her up from school. The timing is weird, but of course he did. As he was dropping her off SD turned to him and said she would be coming to our house tomorrow. He said, what? What do you mean? She said she "was only coming for a few days". This is not our week. SS doesn't come until Mon. DH told her that and asked where this was coming from- he said she has said extremely nasty things to him, last time she was supposed to come here she threatened suicideso this seems out of the blue, and that they would need to talk about things first. If she comes here (next week) she would be expected to be respectful and follow rules. Then things started unraveling. She started yelling at him and telling him he is a narcissist and abuser, and when he asked for examples she said he "yells at her about her grades", and makes her re-wash the bathroom sink when she doesn't do a good enough job, and at her moms house they just wipe it down with some TP and their house is cleaner than our house ever is. LOL. (I keep a very clean house, and maybe 1 in 20 times she has had to rewash the sink when she doesn't actually wash know, like a normal kid would be made to do). Then she said he pushed her mom down the stairs, abused her older sister and her, and said I "twisted her arm and abused her also" but he married me anyway. He said he is not going to allow her to come here and say things like that about him and me. She kept saying, "oh yes, your poor wife" in a mocking tone, and maniacally laughing when he would try to ask her questions about anything or show her logic. He asked why he would be given majority custody of them if he was so awful? She said, because he paid the lawyers off, he was seen in the grocery store paying Crazy's lawyer extra $ so he could get more custody.... I just can't. This is beyond absurd... DH said, ok, you're not coming to our house. I'm sorry, but this is too much, you cannot come over when you are acting like this, and she said she didn't want to anyway and that she was "done with this sh*t" and slammed the car door. 

DH stopped home before going back to work and when I looked up from my desk and saw him standing there looking at me, his eyes were red and he just looked traumatized and beaten. My heart dropped and I honestly thought he was going to tell me SD had done something to herself. He said he needed to stop home and decompress and fill me in before going back to work. He said this is going to cost him a boatload of $ in child support, but that SD cannot come here the way she is. She is too far gone and the fact that she has no qualms about saying this stuff to his face is just not going to fly, she can't be here like that. Who knows what she would accuse us of. He said she has even died her hair the same color as Crazy's, gotten long fake nails just like Crazy's, and the way she was talking and things she were saying were exactly what Crazy says. He said it was unnerving to talk to her.

As he was standing here he got 2 messages on OFW from that dumb box saying "SD said you told her she can't come there, is that true"? And another one right away, "Yesterday you said SD is always welcome there, now she said you said she can't come there, did you say that?".  FFS, just STFU! DH is going to say that she screamed every nasty thing Crazy had ever said to him in the past 8yrs, and it can't just be undone overnight. So her being here is not in the best interest of anyone right now until it's worked out. 

I just can't even believe this is where we are at. This is not even close to the same kid we knew 6 months ago. She wouldn't DREAM of swearing at DH, or yelling like this, or acting like this period. She has lost her mind. I hope someone files for custody (oh, we are pretty sure Crazy never filed after all, so she better do it now) so we can have some stability. We cannot handle this shit show anymore. 


Rags's picture

she said she didn't want to anyway and that she was "done with this sh*t" and slammed the car door. 

At least that might  have either smashed some reality into her pea sized brain or better yet, removed her from everyone else's misery.


I applaud your DH for standing firm on all of this.

Survivingstephell's picture

I agree , over due for standing firm.  A break from the drama is needed and you will be surprised just how much toxicity is going on.   

TrueNorth77's picture

I can't love this statement more. 2 weeks of being away from it. I am going to tell DH to not even open OFW during that time. 

AgedOut's picture

I am so sorry he had to deal with that but it was due to happen and it eliminates any excuses for her in his head. He can't not see her for what she is a mini-me to BM. I  applaud the decision that she not darken your door. If she'd lie to his face, knowing they both knew it was lies, she will lie and get him or you arrested. 

TrueNorth77's picture

DH thinks we would be headed for a situation that involves law enforcement also. But now we feel trapped. Crazy has said she is making SS bring SD here. If we told him not to, she would just bring her herself. We know she will lock her door and leave. She has said she "won't be home next week"..which is a lie, but that's what she is saying so we think that leaving SD there is not an option. We are going to be stuck with this girl no matter what, and we are going to have to deal with her. I could leave and let DH deal with it on his own, although to be honest I know he is dreading this as much as me and is really hoping for my support. I don't want to abandon him and I am certainly no pushover to a 14 yr old girl who is manipulative and thinks she has "found her voice" against her "abusive" dad and SM. I will go toe to toe with her with cameras there showing that I didn't touch her, but I'm not taking her crap. I am just dreading every second of this visit. 

Felicity0224's picture

Ugh. What a nightmare. The audacity of both BM and SD is nothing short of shocking. 

CastleJJ's picture

I'm so sorry. I don't think Crazy wants SD either, which is why she hasn't filed for more custody or CS. DH should respond stating that "the consequences of Crazy 's PAS are setting in full force and she is responsible for SD's behavior. The lack of accountability and parenting at Crazy 's home have resulted in complete disregard for parental authority and harmful allegations that will not be tolerated. SD will not be return to your household until she is ready to respect the members of your household and follow the rules that are set."

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Horrible but not surprising. Parental alienation is real- it's abusive and it is happening. This is an excellent example. Hope you have a wonderful vacation with DH & glad that no one is putting up with this abuse. Totally off the deep end. 

Lillywy00's picture

Ugh.... these kids brains are as developed as ours and she's probably frustrated and parroting these things her mother is telling her. 

I could be wrong but I have a feeling this girl is lost and hurting and doesn't mean these things and doesn't realize the gravity. 

If you all know she's not as emotionally intelligent as someone over 21, 25, etc AND being manipulated by her mother then keep this into consideration that she is not totally acting on her own free will nor fully mentally developed. 

I agree she should not come to the house if she's recklessly throwing out these serious allegations however he may need to speak with a lawyer before making rash decisions and Zoom in to his visits or perhaps meet her IN PUBLIC somewhere where there are cameras for evidence if he does continue to see her. 

If he cuts off seeing her completely then her neurotic mother will be like "see - told ya so"

AgedOut's picture

I came back here to reiterate what I said yesterday. 


If she will lie to his face, she will lie worse behind his back. She can destroy your entire lives if given the chance. Please do not let her set hoof one across your doorstep. She is dangerous, a ticking time bomb. 

Harry's picture

DH is her parent. He can not let her spin out of control.  I not sure with crazy what he can do,  But doing nothing is not good.  He must insist on mental help.  More then she is getting.  Or another Dr.  this one isn't doing anything.  I can understand you don't want to  be bad mouthed, by SD.  But something has to be done. 

Rags's picture

Absolutely somehing has to be done to get this kid help. However, there is more to it than just getting the kid help.

Everyone else in the mix has to be protected from the kid's and BM's shit. IMHO that is far more important than getting the kid help.

If that means keeping SD with Crazy and working the problem from a distance in an effort to insulate SS, OP, and daddy from the shit spawn,so be it.  While performing due diligence in getting the troubled kid help.

At some point, the kid's choice to spiral down the crapper vortex with Crazy is the kid's choice. It does not do anyone any good to dive into the toilet bowl with both Crazy and her minion.

Harry's picture

When you talk with crazy.   What ever comes into her head is fact,  disengage from crazy. The kids are old enough to stop ant communication with crazy    Better work on getting SD the right help. If that possible