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Round 2 of a teen with no life

TrueNorth77's picture

I am going to put on my most unfavorable look as a SM here, but I'm not sure I care, so here it is- when will this F'ng girl get her own life??

SD will be 14 next month. She doesn't do things with friends. Her only plans include occasionally babysitting for a few hours. And because of her suicidal statements, leaving her alone here and there to go do things has kind of gone by the wayside. I have ranted about this before and we went through this exact same thing with SS17, but when I was her age, I was ALWAYS out doing something with friends. SD can't keep friends, so that doesn't happen.

So here is our new routine with SD-pouty-pants. She comes to our house, usually in a somewhat sullen mood. Sometimes having apparently said she doesn't want to come here, which we hear about from SS or see in her texts to Crazy. She is usually fine for a few days, this past wknd she read us her speeches she had to write, invited me to her concert at school, but didn't talk to me about anything else, which is a new thing. Then things went downhill. We went to dinner, she was entitled and a brat and I had to just stop talking to her before I really snapped on her. The next day she barely said a word to either of us as we ran mother's day errands for DH's mom and had a cookout with my brother and his wife. She wolfed down a burger and ran back to her room. DH didn't even bother trying- he just let it happen, and where he would normally go to her room to talk and try to engage her, he just didn't. I don't blame him, it's exhausting and every single time she's here now, this happens. She went by Crazy's on Sun, and I got not one peep about Mother's day. (I did get a Happy Mother's day text from SS17, which was nice.) At DH's mom's house for Mother's day, DH's sister told me that she can see that SD is so similar to Crazy, and honestly, she's not wrong. SD is so far up Crazy's ass and it has finally shown in a big way. 

Now skids come again on Friday for 9 NIGHTS (we are on this F'd up schedule since DH offered Crazy right of first refusal for our recent trip and DH insists on making it a switch, so we are making up our extra days). I leave for a work trip Sun- Fri, and I'm ecstatic that I will be missing the majority of this skid period. But, when I get back, it's Memorial Day wknd. I usually look forward to it, but we have skids. SS17 will be doing his own thing, but we have friends with a boat, friends we could go do things with, but with SD having zero life, I'm sure we won't do any of that, so we will be around home, where she will suck the life out of the wknd. I know she expects us to take her to do things, but it's just NOT fun. She gets an attitude and is pouty and doesn't even deserve it honestly, and now she thinks she can argue with DH and it's like arguing with Crazy. We have been having people over to our bar quite a few wknds, so we may do that, but it would be nice to actually go DO something with friends.

I hate that a 13yr old with a crappy attitude and no life is now holding us back from doing things. There, I said it. Yes it's DH's kid and apparently this is what people do now, entertain their teens who can't seem to find their own life, but I am NOT on board with it and I am realllly starting to resent the whole thing. And although the answer may seem that Crazy should have more custody- 1. She hasn't even asked, and 2. DH would end up getting absolutely anhialated with child support, so that won't happen unless someone else forces the issue. 

DH and I are just praying that when SD turns 14 and gets a job at the end of June, this may turn around. Also, she started anti-depressants 2 weeks ago, so we'll see how that goes. How are people supposed to have 2 teens at the same time???



dragonfly878's picture

"I hate that a 13yr old with a crappy attitude and no life is now holding us back from doing things. There, I said it. Yes it's DH's kid and apparently this is what people do now, entertain their teens who can't seem to find their own life, but I am NOT on board with it and I am realllly starting to resent the whole thing."

THIS. Check out my previous post- we're in a similar boat. While my SS15 is not suicidal- he aparently has social anxiety and uses that as his reason why he can't live his own life and likes to crawl up his parent's asses. I grew sick and tired of DH trying to entertain him. It's obnoxious what these teens will say/do to get attention-- and it's not like they don't get attention-- they don't get undivided attention GOD FORBID! Similar to you- when I was a teen (wtih divorced parents) the absolute LAST thing that I wanted was to be on my parent's radar 24/7/365. What gives?! 

TrueNorth77's picture

I honestly just do not get it. Why would you want to sit in your room when there are things to do and you can go have fun?? Crazy is completely enmeshed and codependent with SD- so that is what SD expects here, and because that's not what happens, she thinks DH isn't a good parent. Crazy and SD make Tik Toks, watch shows every night, go shopping, get their nails done, and Crazy will NEVER reprimand her when she does things wrong, even if she gets calls from the principal when SD has done something- she will not yell at SD, she is only her friend. It really has made this whole dynamic worse.  

I just commented on your last post- been there! 

Survivingstephell's picture

Time to stick the bio parent with your pouty teens and go with your friends.  Maybe a few times if missing out on fun, dear old dad will make it clear to these skids that until they change their behaviors, they will stay home.  It is not acceptable to make everyone miserable.  Logical consequences explained.   


You are both being held hostage by a teenager.  

TrueNorth77's picture

I do tend to do my own thing, but I do not want to miss fun things on a Holiday wknd because of a pouty teen. I had been thinking DH would have plenty of alone time with skids during the week when I was gone, so by the wknd he would be sick of SD, but he told me last night that he is on 2nd shift next week- so he won't even see them!! 

Winterglow's picture

In that case, there's no point in them being there if he's not there. The point in visitation is to spend time with their parent, not to give the other parent a break. So let them stay with their mother.

TrueNorth77's picture

That's logic- but not how things are done here. When we do switches that involve right of first refusal, they both insist on an equal switch, even if DH is on 2nd shift and I am the one home. WHY. Neither parent is seeing the kid, and I am not their parent!! And yes I fight that tooth and nail. DH and I have had our biggest blow-out fights about it. His argument is "they are teens and stay in their rooms or work, they don't even bother you". As if having kids in the house is nothing. I get pissed just thinking about it. 

Now, DH is on 2nd shift next week, but if he suggested they stay with Crazy, she would throw an absolute fit, and accuse DH of neglect and not "taking off work to spend time with kids". There really is no logic to it. I am glad I won't be here to deal with it. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Go stay with friends for the long weekend and come back rested and relaxed.  Your DH can hire a baby sitter if necessary.

CastleJJ's picture

If SD has no friends to hangout with, it sounds like it is time to get SD into a volunteer role or extracurricular activity. SD wants to sit pouty in her room for hours, with her suicidal threats, keeping you guys from doing anything - nope! Time for SD to volunteer at the local animal shelter, local soup kitchen, etc. If that's not enough, time to get her into a sport, a club, the school musical. Whatever will give you and DH a break for a few hours. How is SD going to self-harm in a public environment she can't control with strangers who might judge her? Right now, she knows she can control the household because she is comfortable and knows she can force you and DH's hand. She won't try that with total strangers. And don't give SD the option - she will join something or do something. 

If none of that works, then time to saddle BM and DH with SD while you go and enjoy your life. No reason that as a SM you have to suffer as well... OR you and DH can join your friends on their boat for Memorial Weekend and tie an inner tube 30 feet off the back where SD can sit and sulk! *lol* SD can learn the hard way that life goes on with or without her. 

Mominit's picture

Our parents thought we were horrible kids because we were out running with our friends and going to movies on a Saturday night instead of working around the house/farm, doing laundry and being ready for church in the morning.  Every dinner was supposed to be a family dinner, and my parent's generation was upset that we wanted to be out with our friends, and heaven forbid stay out until midnight!

Now our generation says THAT is the way kids should be, and get annoyed when our kids want to spend all of their time in family events (up their parents a$$ is the complaint), and then get equally annoyed when they spend all of their time in their rooms on the electronics that their parents started buying them when they were 5 years old.

They can't win.  You can't win.  Such is the world of teenagers.  So no, it's not likely that your SK who has a temperment of a homebody is going to suddenly reinvent herself, make a pack of friends and be gone all the time.  So the question becomes - how do you stop it from making you crazy?  I think part of it is what your DH said ""they are teens and stay in their rooms or work, they don't even bother you".  Let it go!  Don't try to make her participate in family events longer than joining you for a meal, and don't get upset and frame that as "wolfing down a burger".  She came out of her room and ate.  If DH isn't going to force her to be social, neither are you.  So go back to letting her live her life in her non-social way, and you enjoy the rest of your family picnic.

I would have forced my kids to have their electronics off for the evening and join in.  But that's me.  And if DH isn't going to, then I think your battle is lost.  Hopefully you and DH can find things to do around the house (since you can't leave her alone), or get a trusted relative to come and hang with her so that you can get out for a few hours for memorial day.  Or, plan events as soon as she's gone and thank your stars she's not there full time.  If he was a full time Dad you wouldn't even get the alternate weekends off!

missgingersnap2021's picture

You posts trigger my PTSD!!! I still am having so many issues with DH but now they are more about us and our relationship. But the issues I had when SD was younger really chipped away at my happiness, my love for DH and my hopes for a happily ever after with him. And my SD was nothing like yours. The suicide attepmts would have sent me over the edge!!! Just dont plan for and get happy about her working. SD is now 18 1/2 and still only babysits a few hours a week. She had two "real jos" and quit both within about a month. she is still lazy and I hate it but shes not happy here so she spends as much time as she can with her boyfriend so the actual hours she is under htis roof are very limited.

TrueNorth77's picture

Ok being 18-1/2 and babysitting a few hours a week would NOT fly here. WTF? I just don't understand how bios can let that happen. It's doing no one any good!  I'm glad for you that she has a bf at least. But I can't stand lazyness.

The one thing DH and I are both fully aligned on, is skids working when they turn 14.  We both did, we both got so many positives from it, independence, our own money, new friends....we are adamant that skids will work, and honestly they really don't have much of a choice. lol. SS started 2 weeks after he turned 14, and it took him lollygagging around for a few weeks before being told he WAS applying at McDonalds...and SD is looking forward to a job. We have talked about her options and where she might work, so she has ideas of where she can apply. Also, them just quitting and not working is not an option either. SS has switched jobs, but he was made to do it properly- with notice, and with a new job lined up. DH is a pushover, but he is firm about this. Especially with SD and how she is now, DH is really adamant that SD work and meet new people (hopefully friends), get some independence from Crazy, and just start to have her own life. Not having friends is the majority of the reason for her depression/not depression/false suicide claims. SS was also a homebody until he started working, and about a year later he finally started having a life. 

We also have made it very clear to skids that under no circumstances can they live at home after high school with no plan. They will go to school, or work FT to move out. Those are the 2 options. F that living at home being lazy crap.

Cover1W's picture

I just noped out of it all. I don't go out to eat with surly unappreciative and picky eater to the extreme teens (OSD) nor do I spend time with a teen who wants no social interaction with anyone if at all possible (YSD). I get out there and let DH deal with it. I tried to help for years while simultaneously disengaging here and there from certain things as I was pretty much sidelined and no one listened or wanted to try anything different.

Now YSD17 didn't come here again, for a month, because she had "too much homework" and it was "too stressful (the travel to get here which she's been doing since she was 7)". She does literally nothing. No socializing, no friends, no job, no chores, no errands (she has a drivers license but refuses to use it). DH still does everything for her.

I just plan my days / evenings as usual. I don't even wait on them for dinner any longer because it usually takes DH until after 7 to finish cooking whatever vegan thing is going on and I need to eat earlier.

So step-life for me has been super chill.

TrueNorth77's picture

What is with these kids doing nothing?? And for real, parents who just let them have no chores, job, and chaufeur them around. I can't. Props to you for not smacking your DH upside the head for enabling all that, because I would snap. 

I usually live my life despite skids also. I eat what I want, go where I want, and if I feel like cooking for them, I do. Which is maybe twice a week. Otherwise, they are on their own or maybe DH will figure it out. I don't try to get SD out to do things, I don't need a fun sponge around. If DH really wants to do something with them, I will. Otherwise, I do my thing and happily go out with friends or do what makes me happy. Tonight is kickball. When it affects me is when I get pissed, like Memorial day wknd. Going on a boat with 2 other couples and no DH isn't super fun. I would rather us do something together, so me doing something else really looks like me 5th wheeling it if DH doesn't go because of SD. 

Cover1W's picture

Discussed the do nothing with DH for years. Argued, hinted, suggested, demanded, tried to compromise. No changes. Gave up.

missgingersnap2021's picture

Super chill maybe but had it been fun? Eating alone while DH and SD ate later would make me sad. Of course that may be my future in a bit since our marriage is very quickly deteriorating. 

Cover1W's picture

I much more enjoy eating alone and watching a show or reading my book rather than sit through a painfully awkward dinner, where DH tries too hard to get YSD talking, that I don't want to eat anyway. And it's only a night or two (planning with friends!) anyway! DH and I eat together otherwise.

TrueNorth77's picture

The majority of our dinners with SD are DH trying too hard to get her to talk. Or trying too hard to tease her, even when she's non-responsive. Sometimes it's cringey. I feel bad for him, but it's also hard to watch.