You need out of that relationship. And I say this from the bottom of my heart, because I have been through an abusive relationship, so I know. I know how manipulation works on your mind. I know how afraid you are. I've been there. You're so torn, angery and afraid. It screamed through your posts. You're last post is making a plee. But you don't have to be afraid. The ladies here are only trying to help you from their own perspectives. None of us wish you any harm.

Let me tell you my story. I was involved with a man who lied, cheated, unemployed and spent all my money, and progressively got physically abusive with me. He started with yelling at me, getting in my face, screaming at me, throw his lit cigerettes at me, then the entire ash tray, then beer bottles... all the way to finally throwing funiture, hitting me, pinning me on the bed to get his 'issue', pushed me through a glass sliding door... which broke, and barefoot, I ran through the broken glass because I had no other place to go.

One day, it was sooo bad that I was standing doing dishes when he came at me- out of the blue. I never fought back before, but this was the last straw, I finally defended myself by smacking him in the head with the cast iron skillet I was washing...suds, water and all. That was the last time he laid a hand on me, because I quickly moved out. But it wasn't easy, it was a long process that took some strangers to help me see.

This man manipulated me, be littled me, had me believing that I wouldn't survive if I left him, I couldn't survive if I left him... yet, I was the one that worked, while he sat in his underwear and played pc games all day. When the mail came, he got it first, and had access to every credit card that ever came in my name... which he promptly would 'activate' since they could be done by phone pushing a few buttons, and the immediately racked up credit card debt from internet like nothing else... I still to this day have bill collectors knocking on my door because of it. It never ends. He emotionally drained me.

People suggested that I 'cut him off' whenever I brought up little topics during conversations... they didn't know half of it, but we had a joint account, so he had access to my money and would spend it. I needed to keep the electricity running in my home because I lived there too, so I couldn't just discomfort him. I was deathly afraid of cutting of the internet access, because he would get mad at me. I couldn't call the police and have him taken from my home... because his name was on the lease too, and they would only tell him to go find someplace else to sleep tonight. He would just come back when they left.

I didn't have money to move out on my own, because he'd spend it as fast as I made it gambling or drinking, spending it on whatever or on other women. I started to take small amounts of cash out on my lunch break and skip eating lunch so he won't get suspicious, wrap it up in a roll in my desk, and save money without him knowing. I saved up $600.00 that way, enough for me to put a down payment on an apartment, and a bag of groceries.

I lied to myself, told myself things would get better... they didn't, they got worse. I got pregnant... the only time I'd gotten pregnant in my life, and how do ya like that it's with this loser, great! But I miscarried. I belive that was God's work. Today, I have so much scarring that I have to have medical help in order to get pregnant, and I am HAPPILY married to the most wonderful man. Wadda yah know...life is cruel, and yet it's beautiful.

Let me tell you how hard it was for me. My family was in such denial that anything was wrong. I have no brothers or sister, or cousins- they all lived in other states, I had no one. I was so isolated from the world because of this man. My family that did live near me, they didn't help me, even when I finally cried for help. For you see, the one thing that this man was good about was making sure that my pretty little face didn't have a mark on me... no "evidence" was ever left. Just emotional scarring to last my life. All bruises were easily hidden, but I was terrified to show or tell anyone.

But you know who helped me? Strangers who became my friends. The ones that could see things that I couldn't, because I was sooo lost in this mans world, his manipulation, his control. I had a coworker who, over time, figured it out. He was concerned. He and his girlfriend helped me when no one else would, and they got me into an apartment in the same complex as them so they could keep an eye out for me. When I moved, he did figure out where I moved to and stocked me, but by this point, I had a good network, because I got help. I had enough. He had broken my spirit, but my will kept me going.

My ex's parents also began to realize that something was wrong, and they too began to help me in other ways. I had a safe haven at their home, they had failed raising their son, and they felt horrible for what happened. My ex was bi-polar, so we had ups and downs, but mostly downs. When things got bad, they got really really bad.

So, I've been in your shoes, and I tell you, honey, please get some help. Just because you have a child together does not mean that you have to sacriface your life. Infact, this isn't a healthy environment to raise your child in. Please be careful. Your last post really disturbs and concerns me. I mean the best for you.

Yes, it is very very hard to leave someone like this... I know. I have.

Now I feel like the resentment that I before felt you had for BM, is really just anger that you feel at your situation. You asked for our advice, and I gave it with what little information that you had given. I'm sorry that I didn't know everything about the situation, but now that I know more, things have changed.

Is this the first time you've told anyone about this?

You say don't dare say just leave him because it not easy leaving someone like that and now it is even harder with a child with him...it sounds to me like you know in your heart what you need to do and what you should do, you just feel like you can't do it. Let me tell you, this man would have you believe that you'll never get anywhere or be anything without him, but he's wrong! You are a smart, loving, and caring woman, and you don't deserve to be treated this way. I know it isn't easy, but what would you rather...go through a few months of hardship while you get away from this loser and make a life on your own, or continue on the easy road and let him go on beating you?

You said put yourself in my dv victims shoes, but then you say not to tell you to leave him. What else do you expect us to say? We may not know you, but we care about you, and no one deserves to go through what this man is putting you through. Please at least consider saving up enough money to make it a month or two on your own, look up a battered women's shelter in your area, find a friend that you could stay with, something...if not for you then for your daughter, because who's to say that when she's old enough she will not also be included in these horrible things that DH is doing to you...

*~So sayeth Nymh~*