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tramontane's picture

Hello out there! I'm new to this sort of thing,so please bear with me. After a whirlwind relationship I became married once again, with a nice lady and her 9 year old son. The biological father was abusive i'm told and does not talk to his son or pay child support that I am aware of. I find that rehensible as I have 3 children from a previous marriage and pay support for my daughter as my sons have reached the age of emancipation. Hey just my opinion but biological fathers should support their children! I'm currently unemployed and have been for almost a year now,am looking for work and the unemployment is almost exhausted.I'm at the beginning of foreclosure proceedings with my mortgage lender and yet am trying to work something out. I am very stressed financially and did not hide this from my wife when we decided to get married.I thought that even though it would be a huge adjustment for all of us, that we would work together and get through this. My wife tells me that when the mortgage company asks for financial information to not tell them that I am married! I have credit card debt that I incurred prior to our marriage, have never asked my wife to help me out, though she has stated to me that thats my problem. We argue all the time now, and to top it all off, the stepson is now stealing from school and lying about it to his teacher,principal and me. My wife considers me a loser and lazy, even though I clean the house, cook meals on the days that she works, pay the bills and take an interest in the boy, trying to wean him off of constant tv viewing and video games. I'm normally a really laid back guy and yet lately it seems that we are always arguing about things, how I dont want to have sex, that wanting us to get counseling is a waste of time "since I dont have feelings for her" whats the point anyway. She is gone to the gym and bellydancing classes all the time, never really does anything with her son and when i admonish him for stealing and lying, she critizises me for being a loser in front of the boy. I feel that I've made a big mistake entering into a marriage much to quickly,not to mention feel terrible that this 9 year old kid is going to experience yet another broken home. My wifes first husband died and she met his Biological father and hooked up with him before he passed away. (she admits she cheated on him). Part of me feels selfish that I want this all to go away and be single and yet the other part of me says "you took a vow, dont give up just because things are tough right now". I could go on and on I suppose, yet the bottom line seems to be that I really dont love my wife (shes likable enough) and that the best course of action is to call it quits before things potentially escalate. Please keep in mind that I complement my wife frequently on her appearance and that its really cool that she works out.That I appreciate her. Any opinions or advice would be most welcome!

Comments

Conflicted's picture

You already have your answer.... If you don't love her then move on.... why continue to waste one another's time?

tramontane's picture

Yes I think that you are right. I just feel guilty and selfish. I feel bad for the kid and yet I just want out, as a result I feel like i'm giving up to soon and that with counseling and time things would get better. In the end I think that I am just waffling and am scared to follow through with this. It seems like this would be the best for all concerned. Thank you for your reply.

Constantly_guilty's picture

**EDITED**I DON'T want to come down on you because I can see that you're really struggling with this decision but why did you get married so quickly in the first place? And how long have you been married? How long have you known each other in total?

It seems that both of you were a bit selfish entering into it so quickly when you both have minor children you are supporting to consider.

But getting out of the marriage without delay is probably the best thing. If there's no hope for true happiness together, you're only delaying the inevitable. And if you bond with your stepson it will just be harder on him when you leave.

tramontane's picture

Thank you for your reply. We have been married for 7 months. We've known each other for almost a year. Early on I came to the conclusion that this relationship was not going to work out,primarily based on gut instinct. when i tried to end it, she basically would not take no thank you for an answer and wanted to continue it. I relented,thinking that being married and taking on the responsibility and challenge of raising a child would be good for me, make me a better person. Ever since, I have become emotionally detached from my wife and though it breaks my heart, do not wish to bond with the child, knowing that i do not love my wife. How am i supposed to live with them in the meantime? So much emotional vibes i am having a hard time with. I feel like a jerk for misleading her and her son, not to mention myself.

Kb3Hooah's picture

Why don't you feel that you love your wife and how long have you felt this way? Also how long have you been married?

One thing that stands out to me is that you refer to your SS as "the boy". Why? And could your interaction with the SS be coming off as standoffish or unaffectionate?

You have to look at things this way, your wife is working full time, and I'm sure she also does some cooking/cleaning and paying the bills herself. She probably comes home tired and resentful of the fact that you aren't working. I know this may be no fault of your own, but it still creates a little resentment, especially after a year. Have you thought about atleast taking a part time job, or a job that may not be something you typically 'want' per say, but something you can take until you find something you prefer?

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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

tramontane's picture

we've been married for seven months. I've been applying for work since December,'08. I live in las vegas, which has been hit very hard by the recession. My unemployment pays more than a part time job that pays 8 bucks an hour. After taxes and child support, I'm better off staying on unemployment until the bitter end. You cant pay a mortgage and bills on 8-10 dollars an hour! As to my reference to my stepson as the "boy", perhaps I feel that bonding with this child is difficult as I am discovering that his mother and i dont seem to have alot in common. I wanted to end the relationship prior to our marriage as i felt that things werent going to work out...gut instinct. I relented after my wife begged me to reconsider and i did, thinking that this would be a good thing for me, a wife and a young stepson abandoned by his bio-dad. Ever since, its been a constant fight to get homework/chores done, getting in trouble at school,stealing and lying on my stepsons part. I know kids make mistakes and yet he just keeps on doing it anyway and tries to blame others. My wife treats me like a child, case in point being that We were meeting with inlaws for dinner and I was dressed appropriately for the occassion, for her to comment "you're going out like that? you know your family thinks you're a loser, you should dress nicer to impress them!" Heck, i was better dressed than my inlaws! I'm a 51 year old man being told to dress nice? This is nothing more than manipulation and emotional blackmail as far as i'm concerned. Maybe i'm too stubborn yet when my wife slaps me in the face for not dressing nice for my family, something is wayyyyyy wrong!

Kb3Hooah's picture

Well then my advice would be to first try seeking counseling, which I believe you previously stated she was uninterested in? If that is the case, considering you two have only been married for 7mths, it might be best to cut your losses. It would be sad to see this marriage drag out and eventually end up in divorce anyways if the two of you are truly unhappy and then have your SS become even more emotionally attached to you and the marriage.

I understand your feelings in regards to the bonding process of your SS. It's different for different ppl. Some it happens rather quickly, and for some, it never happens at all.

Speak to your wife, let her know how you feel. Try to encourage counseling again to her, and if she is still resistant, then I feel it would be better to end it now, than later.

______________________________________________________________________________
“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

melis070179's picture

I would try and work through it until you at least get a job and back on your feet. Its amazing how much financial stress can ruin a relationship. Try to stick it out until things get better financially and see if things turn around. You may just feel like you dont love her because of all the unhappiness you are feeling. Try to fight fair and dont yell at each other or call names. This will eventually pass, so maybe once it does you will both focus on your marriage. Its hard to give advice without any time frames though....

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

tramontane's picture

Thank you for your thoughts on my recent post. I know that in large part the financial situation with us is contributing to disagreement. Yet what am i to do when my wife tells me not to mention that we are married as the mortgage company will not work with us since we make enough to pay? What am i to do when my wife gets angry with me because i dont want to do anything as far as landscaping and home projects because we dont have the money at this time and should devote time coming up with a budget and paying down debt? The credit card people are calling her every day and she refuses to work out anything with them. Not to mention not wanting to work with me on coming up with a budget. HUGE red flag!

Kb3Hooah's picture

Yet what am i to do when my wife tells me not to mention that we are married as the mortgage company will not work with us since we make enough to pay?

-----------------> Ask her if she would like a year off from cooking, no cleaning, no working.....and spend it in jail.

What am i to do when my wife gets angry with me because i dont want to do anything as far as landscaping and home projects because we dont have the money at this time and should devote time coming up with a budget and paying down debt? The credit card people are calling her every day and she refuses to work out anything with them.

---------------------------> Have you combined both of your incomes into one acct? And have you already accumulated credit card debt together, or is this just in her name?

Not to mention not wanting to work with me on coming up with a budget

----------------------------> What about working up a budget yourself, and then once you've gotten it together, show it to her and discuss it together.

_______________________________________________________________________________
“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

melis070179's picture

I think the credit card is his debt and she wants nothing to do with it.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

tramontane's picture

we do not have any joint accounts. the only exception is a credit card bill that i racked up paying for her son to relocate to a central american town as he was living with her and not working. He has since returned to the states and is working, yet i have the feeling I'll never be recompensed. Thanks tramontane (Sucker?) I dont understand your comment about jail in reference to my wife not disclosing that we are married and do have income?

tramontane's picture

Guess i am a sucker, she asked me to pony up the money to get him there as she did'nt want him living with us. Might as well forget about it. Still, it give me a scary feeling that when it comes to finances their is no particapatory dialogue. Yet she's always buying new clothes and things and hiding them from me.

Constantly_guilty's picture

I'd cut my losses here. It sounds as though you both have some serious challenges that need to be addressed before either of you can have a healthy relationship with anyone and you've started in a place with her that it doesn't sound like you can come back from.

I realize finances might be a consideration but you can rent a room somewhere. Wouldn't anything be better than living in unhappiness.

tramontane's picture

I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my post and respond to it, giving your time,insight and advice. I really appreciate it. I hope that you all find satisfaction and peace in your own struggles in life, I hope that i can find mine as well.