I don't how I can invest myself in this.
I had a long distance relationship with my now wife, for four years. We got married two years ago. She has a son who's now 14 yo.
As others here in this forum, I also thought I could just fake being emotionally attached to him or that his laziness and annoying ass teenager attitude wouldn't bother me. Ignorance.... We moved in together two years ago and since then, I have been dreading the days that I have to stay with him. I work from home and my wife works monday through friday starting @ 2 and all day on saturdays.
This means, I have to stay in the same house as him, a teenager who has the crappiest attitude ever and thinks he knows everything. I feel like I am being forced to care of a 14 yo baby. His dad moved out of state and only sees him on vacations (2/3 times a year)... Meaning, he only sees his dad when he can play his games and have fun and until then, I have to be with him, everyday, and do the REAL parenting.
I have to do my own job, still pay attention so he doesn't eat all our pantry and make him do his homework.
A bit of back story on the kid: Since I knew him, everytime his mom would take his games away, or take something from him because he is disrespectful or did something he shouldn't, he would throw a fit. I mean, a REAL FIT. He would cry and yell so damn loud. If he was in the car, he would hit himself and hit the car window... One time my wife had a neighbor coming to her house seeing what the fuck was going on. His yelling could easily be compared to someone being stabbed or something worse. And most of the times, she didn't even spanked him or anything. I feel like there is something wrong with him. I really do. As he grew older, he stopped throwing those fits, but he would, for example, kick a metal bed with his bare foot, because he was so upset. I feel like something is not right with him. He was having problems on a school so my wife tried homeschooling (via computer). They had classes and real teachers on the other side but it didn't work. He didn't want to do anything. So she moved him to a real school...(again...)
He had some testing done in this school he is in right now for ADHD and he passed but his behavior and attitude just doesn't seem normal to me (bear in mind that this is "my" first kid, I don't have kids of my own, so experience = 0.)
I have to stay with him, by myself, 6 days of the week. I try my hardest to help him succeed in school, I really do. I check his homework online and I email teachers about assignments. I help him or try to help him with all his assignments but he simply, and sorry for the language, doesn't give a fuck.
He is the kind of kid that has the parent help him do his homework and he just doesn't deliver it. Like, I put it in his backpack, I put a paper inside, glued with scotch tape, stating exactly what he has to do or give to teacher and he simply doesn't do it. He doesn't care. He passed to the eight grade because of promotion, lack of summer school ( Yay for US Schools System ). This year, if they don't do promotion, he is not going to pass. His mom and I took his games and TV and then he improves, he gets his stuff back little by little, then goes back to not doing anything.
I wish we could switch with his dad and having him only for vacations for a week or so. Or at least I wished... My wife loves her son (obviously). We got into a lot of arguments because of him. For one, as SD, I have to remember that I am not allowed to discipline her son. But it's so difficult when I have to spend most of the days with him. I told her, before, that I wish I could just work outside of home all day and have her with him. I dread spending time with him but I am not good at faking it either, so that's why we get into a lot of arguments. The arguments usually get to the point of having her tell me that she feels like I don't want to be a part of this family and that I would be better with someone else and that I never want to spend time with him and that I don't see him as my own. Needless to say, whatever I might feel at the moment, the only way to cope is, when my wife arrives home, go to the room and be by myself and listen to music. It's IMPOSSIBLE for me to speak with my wife about her SPECIAL AND PRECIOUS son. She told me, angrily, couple of times for me to not worry about it and that would take her son with her to work (she goes to people's houses to teach).
But then, who is going to do homework with the kid? Not her. The years the kid has been with me, it's the most homework he's ever done. Because of her schedule, and arriving home at 8 or 9, before, she would not have the time to do it. So now, that responsibility, of course, falls on me. If something happened to me right now (God forbid), she would not have anyone to help him, his homework would never be done and I feel like he would always fail. He does not have any kind of motivation for schoolwork. I did not either, when I was a kid, but when i did homework with the tutor, I would freaking give it to the teachers!!!!
I try my best to be emotionally attached to him but I just can't. He is lazy and dirty. When I tell him something, sometimes he ignores me and sometimes he talks back to me and his mom. I told him, before, to watch his mouth because I am not one of his stupid friends. He plugs his toilet and doesn't tell anybody anything until the whole house smells like shit ( sorry for the language again ). He puts clean and folded clothes on the floor and then they end up on the laundry pile. I am tired of his crap. I can't wait until he goes visit his dad so I can have some "vacation time" for myself and for me to spend with my wife. I feel like my relationship took a real hard blow because of him, because of all the things that happen because of him. I love going to some friends house because there I don't feel stuck with him. His attitude, I believe, is also due to his grandparents that keep spoiling him every time he visits them, buying all kinds of things and giving him money. I don't feel hatred but I wish he would just not be here anymore, like he could live with his dad.
My wife does not listen to me. An example of this is: I usually put the kid to sleep by 8 and when my wife gets home, she goes and talks to him. I keep telling her to not talk a lot of time, to just pray and let him lay there until he falls asleep. She never does that. She always spends at least an hour there talking and watching videos with him and I hate it. And of course, he has already a lot of tardys because he gets late to school. I feel like whatever I say about him is automatically disregarded by my wife because it's me who said it and it's so annoying.
I need some tips, I don't know what else to do. My wife would rather divorce me than hearing me say that I don't want him with us anymore. This is driving me insane and me not being able to vent with my own wife is making it worse.
How can I become a better SD?