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Why does BM enjoy harassing DH?

tog redux's picture

Well, as we know, BM is now in the business of harassing DH about the recent court order for increased child support and tuition for SS19.   She sent another email today about the tuition, because they have a disagreement about the interpretation of the CO, and also now claiming she didn't get child support for April.  CS has been going through Child Support Enforcement and money was taken from DH's check all through March.  She claims that they will no longer be taking it from his check and he will have to pay directly, but he has not yet been told that, and it's still coming out of his check.  So it seems fairly clear that she should be checking with CSE about where her April money is, yet she levels it at DH as another accusation of what he owes.

Why does she enjoy this?  I know the pat answers are "power and control", but in what way does this make her happy?  I really can't wrap my head around why it's enjoyable for her to fire off emails to her ex-husband.  She doesn't get any reaction from him anymore, at least not one she can see.  If they head back to court, she will be paying for her attorney and DH will be Pro Se, as she already knows.  How does this make her feel "in control" and "powerful"? 

I will note that we are aware that SS19 left today to go visit his 26-year-old girlfriend in Faraway State, and I assume BM feels she's losing control of SS, which hopefully, she is.

Any insight into the mind of a crazy BM? You'd think I would get it by now, but I can't wrap my head around how this makes someone feel "powerful" and "in control".


Jcksjj's picture

I think it's bitter and angry and wanting to hurt him also and some power and control. Not being over whatever perceived slights he made against her. I couldn't tell you why some people never move on from it after years though, poor coping skills maybe? Narcissistic tendencies? The vibe I get from a lot of people that act like that is "how dare YOU (lowly creature) not comply with all of MY (supreme being) demands. So maybe if they get them to comply it reassures them of their supremeness as a person? Idk. 

advice.only2's picture

It’s the whole “you owe me!” mentality that a lot of these GUBMs have. 

Meth mouth was the same way, everybody owed her!!! Owed her money for being alive!  Owed her money for pushing out two worthless kids.  Owed her money because she married them and the wants to be divorced.  You name it, you owed her for it.  Spawn is the exact same way, everybody owes her!

Jcksjj's picture

Same here. And yep, skid is the same. Everything that's hers is hers and everything that is everyone else's is also hers. And shes entitled to always winning, always being told she is special and always getting whatever she wants just for existing. 

advice.only2's picture

It’s the whole “you owe me!” mentality that a lot of these GUBMs have. 

Meth mouth was the same way, everybody owed her!!! Owed her money for being alive!  Owed her money for pushing out two worthless kids.  Owed her money because she married them and the wants to be divorced.  You name it, you owed her for it.  Spawn is the exact same way, everybody owes her!

tog redux's picture

I've suggested to DH that he block her email and ability to text him.  There is no reason he should have to deal with this anymore. She isn't going to listen to reason no matter what he says back to her, so why should he even bother with her emails?  She can have her lawyer communicate for her, or take him back to court.  She's going to drag him back to court repeatedly anyway, so why endure the harassment?  SS is 19, there is no reason they need to talk anymore.

Curious Georgetta's picture

received , it is not the designated recipient's job to determine what the problem might be. Generally, it is the obligation of the debtor to determine why his or her obligation has not been met.

He is the debtor ,so it makes sense that she would reach out to him.

If a mistake has been made with the payment, the only person with no responsibility for the mistake is the BM.

Had she received the payment, she would not have had any reason to contact your husband.

If it is a government agency mistake, both your husband and the NO should direct their ire in that direction.

Jcksjj's picture

It makes more sense to me to check with the agency responsible for collecting and disbursing payments so I know I'm getting a truthful answer for sure.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

No, it doesn't make sense that BM reach out to him. The reason payments are made through CSE is so the agency can insure that the payments are being made. DH made his payment to CSE when it was taken from his paycheck, so he has done his part. CSE now has the money and they are responsible for sending it to BM. BM should be contacting them if she didn't get the money - there is nothing DH can do about it at this point.

It is entirely possible she got the money and is just telling him she didn't to cause him problems. She has lied in the past in attempts to get money she wasn't entitled to and to just mess with him. This is another reason people use CSE - to cut down on conflict.

tog redux's picture

Exactly.  The money was taken from his check, therefore, they are the ones who owe her the money, not him.  She can contact them to find out where the money is. He hasn't even yet received notice that he has to pay her directly.  He owed her the difference between the old support amount and the new support amount - he paid that.

tog redux's picture

CG, here is a quote from an attorney on Avvo about a similar matter:

"You should remind her that the payments are being made through OCSE and if she believes there are issues she should contact OCSE."

Curious Georgetta's picture

the payments are still being made to OCSE. It is not the recipient's job to confirm that. Your husband is  the debtor; it is his job to ensure that the method of payment has not changed.

The lawyer was not referencing your  case which I gather was recently before  the court.

No benefit accrues to your husband if funds were erroneously taken from his check if in fact they should have been paid directly to the BM.

An error on the part of the state won't absolve him of his obligation.

I would think it would be easier to be certain and then free of inquiry from the BM.

The longer the issue is not clarified, the more contact that you will receive from her and in this case rightly so.



tog redux's picture

It's exactly the same situation. The payments were made to the state and they owe her.  They've been giving her this same amount of money for around 5 years now.

It's interesting that you now know more than attorneys do on the matter.  He's done his part.

twoviewpoints's picture

You're being obtuse and ridiculously so.  

Mr. Dad can look online and see his payment record. Mr. Dad can see deduction from his paycheck also.

What Mr Dad can not do is tell the CS distribution center how to run their business. Sh*t happens payments get delayed in the process system. There is not a thing Mr. Dad can do once it leaves his paycheck and enters the distribution. 

What do you suggest? That Mr Dad race over to BM's and hand her cash right this minute? 

You obviously have never dealt with CSE nor state CS distributions centers. 

I somehow fail to feel too sorry for the 'child' nor the BM in this particular case. The kid is an adult, the BM is an employed professional and a few day and/or lack of immediate deposit into her account isn't going to affect anyone.... besides, Jr is off poking his GF this weekend, I'm sure GF will feed him if he didn't bring enough spending money. 


tog redux's picture

Thank you.  BM calling them and saying, "Where's my money?" will have the same effect as DH calling them and saying, "Where's her money?"

AND, she knows it was still coming out of his check as of the end of March, because he told her.  Plus, she's a big fat liar, so he's not going to jump to do anything on her word. 

If she takes him back to court, so be it.  They can make him use child support enforcement, so they can be sure she gets paid.  Oh, wait ...   Scratch one-s head

Thumper's picture

Tog,,,send back the email over and over again "Payments are being made through OCSE and if you believe there is an error or issue call them directly"

over and over and over....until she no longer writes about that.

twoviewpoints's picture

She lost her 'hold' over DH when he "dropped the rope" several years ago. Now she's losing it over her son.

If she harassed the harassed and/or tried intimidating GF the way she diid/does your DH, she'd lose her son. She'd have probably much more rather smack the GF off GF's  pedestal this morning, but she knows she dare not. 

The child support, college funds and kicking your DH around... all an attempt to turn back the hands of time and keep herself relevant as a necessity and important part of her 'child's' life.  


tog redux's picture

Yes, I just said to DH that she has to walk carefully around the girlfriend issue.  She has no real way to alienate him from her or any power over her, and she has to do what SS wants (to go visit GF) or she pushes him away.

I don't see any reason why DH can't just block her, or at the very least ignore her.  She's going to take him back to court either way, so why endure the harassment first?

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I don't see any reason why your DH can't block any form of electronic/phone communication. The only reason they have to communicate is for financial and/or court stuff - which can be handled via the mail. At the very least he should block everything except email. He could save up the emails and respond once a month to anything that really needs a response.

I agree, I think this ramping up of attempted control over DH is because she is losing control over SS. She has a need for control and realizes it is safer to attempt to control DH as she is losing some control over SS. Or maybe it isn't even a conscious decision on her part? She is just attempting to control what she can.

tog redux's picture

I don't see why he has to put up with any of it. He's paying what he owes her and she can take it back to court, which she's going to do no matter what he says.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You are right. Through the years he has handled her every which way and it has made little difference in her behavior. So he should just do what he wants to do! And she can't claim that she can't contact him for money stuff because she can use the mail or her lawyer.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I’m going to guess that she just simply is a bitter lady with nothing better to do. She sees your DH, is filled with jealousy and wants so bad to be relevant. It’s really sad and pathetic if you think about it...

sorry you’re dealing with the crap Tog!

tog redux's picture

Thank you.  He went out to dinner with SS last week and while he waited in the driveway, she of course had to come out to get something from her car at that very moment.  It's just pathetic.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

That is pathetic. That is something a highschool girl would do to get attention from a boy! I don't even know the woman, and while on one hand I hate her for all she has done, I can't help but feel a little bit sorry for her as well. What a sad and pathetic life she has.

tog redux's picture

I know. If she hates him so much you’d think nothing short of a car fire would bring her out of the house then. Despite the fact that I could cheerfully stab her to death with a fork, I feel a little sorry for her, too. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

LMAO. I think a lot of us feel that way about the BMs in our lives. 

Cheerfully would rid the world of them... BUT also pity them because honestly they’re a bit pathetic.

Just J's picture

When my dh’s ex was acting like that he emailed her back and told her he knows she’s still in love with him and if she didn’t leave him alone he was going to tell her husband how in love with him she still is. Everyone who heard stories about that would even say it, she’s still in love with him. She of course got all offended and replied back how conceited DH is (which is hilarious because he’s the least conceited person I’ve ever met!) and he had to tell her he was just kidding but seriously stop. She did and I really do think it was because of his comment. I bet she told her husband what my DH said and he or someone said well that’s what it soulnds like! Cuz he had absolutely ZERO interest in any form of communication with her but she always trumped up some lame reason to email or text. So pathetic. 

Has your DH straight up told her she’s pathetic and get a life? If she has an ego it might sting a bit. 

tog redux's picture

Would be interesting if he did. She doesn’t have a husband though. She just has a not very serious boyfriend. 

beebeel's picture

She is bored because her gone for the weekend. Simply bored, picking the wings off a fly. Block. Block. Block.

Lndsy747's picture

I know you said before that SS was only back because BM sent him because of the child support situation. Is it possible that he did come back on his own and that's why BM is reacting this way because she doesn't like that he's showing interest and spending time with his dad?

I know that it's hard but at the end of the day it's best to not bother trying to understand BM's thought process. You probably go crazy or have to be crazy in order for it to make sense. 

tog redux's picture

You’re right about that. I’d given that up long ago. It’s been a long time since he’s had to deal with this, so I guess it’s made me curious again. 

Monkeysee's picture

I know this wasn’t what you were asking, but this is exactly why I think it’s outrageous that CS goes until 21, and why tuition payments by either parent be forced through the courts. Especially the CS bit though.

This ‘kid’ is 19 years old. While he may not be emotionally ready to be on his own because of his BM’s crap parenting, he should be more than capable of being out of the house by now. He should be earning his own keep, not mooching & leeching off his parents.

He’s not a child who needs mommy to buy his socks & underwear anymore. He’s an adult who should be providing those things for himself. 

I couldn’t wait to get out of my parents place & have my independence. I started working as soon as I could (babysitting at 12, proper jobs at 16, sometimes multiple jobs in the summer) because I wanted my own money. I know not every kid is like that, but parents shouldn’t be forced to pay for the other parents babying of their mutual child. 

Tuition should be paid directly to the school. At 18+ this is not a child anymore, I honestly don’t get it!

Ok rant over lol.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, I don't even care about the money piece - I can see some rationale for helping support kids over 18, since they aren't necessarily self-supporting immediately. What I hate is that it gives her an avenue for this kind of shit.  I mean seriously, he left her TEN YEARS AGO, and she still can't stop this punishing behavior.

I'm going to let him know that I think he should block her, but if he won't, I don't want to hear anything about what she says.

Monkeysee's picture

Some of the rationale, yes, but the kids at that age should be funding at least some of their own expenses. Once I was an adult & in school, the money I earned in the summers went towards my spending money throughout the year while I was at school.

My parents didn’t give me a free ride where I could blow every penny I earned, knowing I could rely on them if I ran out of cash. At some point these kids need to be on their own two feet, which is why I feel so opposed to CS over a certain age. At minimum, it should be a reduced amount because the ‘kids’ really should have some skin in the game themselves.

I know it doesn’t work that way in the courts, I just get frustrated on posters behalf when I see this kind of BS drama over CS payments when the kids are clearly adults & don’t have the same needs they once did. At the very, very minimum, it should be paid directly to the  ‘kids’ themselves past 18, especially if they’re at school & not being housed in either parents home.

I agree with you that your DH should block her from contacting him & have her lawyer send him the relevant info, or go to the CSE herself since they’re holding ‘her’ money. 

tog redux's picture

I agree 100% with everything you said!  It should be reduced, the kid should be expected to have a job of some kind, and the money should go to the kid.

shamds's picture

My husband divorced exwife 11 years ago, he was married to her for 14 yrs of daily torturous hell and he shut down, he was knee deep with 3 kids and felt he had to stay married for the kids. 

Reality hit him that this isn’t a life to live where your stay at home wife is spending your money on 5 star holidays, flying everyone 1st class to show how upper class and loaded she was, yet did everything to sabotage every pregnancy and hubbys progression in his career. Her family threatened to kill/harm hubby and these were policeman father and ex bil. 

Whole family was dysfunctional and when you are married to a woman who is no wife or mother to you and your kids and does nothing positive or supportive, you dump the biatch in court. She wanted everything even half of the family home which hubby paid for himself. Hubby refused and fought it and magistrate saw wife had done nothing supportive in their marriage so settled she’d get 50% of profits from sale of home and 30,000 cash lump sum payment. She was furious!!

a week after divorce was finalised she married her high school sweetheart who left his wife for her.... even then she is so hell bent on destroying hubbys image and name. People over time saw her as just petty with nothing else better to do. I’m the only normalcy in hubbys life along with our kids. 3 skids have the same level of high conflict, narcissistic and mini wife syndrome of exwife to various degrees.

they never get over, its their life mission to destroy and get back. We’re lucky that our exwifes bullshit has blown up in her face and even then the stupid sd are so blind they justify it and excuse it. They claim she really is a changed woman and keep repeating it to hubby and that hubby should come to her home with her current husband.

ummmm no thanks, your exhusband never wants to see or be around you ever again... thanks for being bat shit crazy, it makes your husband so grateful to have me and our kids in your life... enjoy destroying your kids life, they’ll be reall amazing spouses for their partners until they realise the whole family is batshit crazy

strugglingSM's picture

In my case, BM does this to seek attention and to take out her aggressions. I've tried to help DH move himself out of the line of fire, so it can be directed at her current husband. I'll be so glad when the kids are 18 and we can move away and I'll never have to see her again. 

tog redux's picture

DH let her know that he is still having the money taken out of his check and has not yet received anything saying he is supposed to pay her directly.

She says she will go down to Family Court tomorrow and file for non-payment and let them sort it out.  Wouldn't it be easier to call Child Support Enforcement and see what the deal is?

She's such a bully.

Thumper's picture

Why does your dh believe he must give his ex full access to him (text, email)  when all $$$ matters are being handled thru the court/cs agency?

Bm may enjoy harassing your husband because she can. He is getting it in both ends by your bm,,,harassed via text and email AND financially.

He is not court ordered to email or text back, right? dh blocked his ex. He had to. She caused him a lot of unnecessary stress and it became a health concern. IT was awful.

 There are many ex husbands/wives that block their exes for reasons of bm's taunting, writing crazy junk. Some dh's only communicate via attorneys only.

To give you my take on why your bm does this? Some people behave this way because they are recreating trauma they experienced many years ago. They want to make them feel pain.  Maybe her dad left the family? Maybe it goes further back that Bm's parents?

'I will get you, you bastard for leaving meeeee' YOU owe me'

Look deeper into her family dynamic that should give you some answers.

In the mean time--hopefully your dh will figure out a way to get the peace and privacy he deserves. This behavior by your bm is not healthy,,,I know what that is like.

FYI---I mentioned this before on st. Years ago in passing, Judge Judy had a bm X and xdh on the show. BM was furious xdh would not respond back to her via text and email. Judge Judy said "I wouldn't respond either'. JJ further explained there are no laws that say XDH must respond to you.

Other bm's I have heard of,,,, wanted Family Court Judges to ORDER xdh's to respond to bm's.

I have yet to hear of anyone court ordered to respond OR text, email, or call  their ex's.  I have heard of platforms the ex's can use IF needed,  such as our family wizard. OR they are told to send stuff via United States Post Office.  But ordered to respond ....nahhh.

Sorry about all this...



tog redux's picture

Yeah, I don't know why he won't block her.  I hope he will, but if he won't I will have to let him know that I just don't want to know about any of it.