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Update on "speaking of BMs who think the they own the kids"

tog redux's picture

DH had dinner with SS19 tonight. He wants to take the year off from college next year. He says he doesn't like school (what a surprise), and he's been fighting with BM.  DH asked about the green card (without telling him BM had emailed him) and he said he "had always been interested in getting one".  Uh-huh.  DH told him he'd need to come up with the money (about $2000) and that perhaps he should ask BM, since DH was paying her a lot of money in child support every month.

SS also brought up one of the big issues that had always bothered him in regard to DH (and I assume helped lead to the alienation) - that DH supposedly "made" BM sell a sports car she had when they met.

That's it, folks - he didn't speak to his dad for 3 years because he supposedly made BM sell a sports car that she owned.

But - at least he's talking about it now.  DH let him know that they agreed she'd sell the car because it was a two-seater and there were the three of them plus BM's older kids. 

Anyway - all encouraging news.  DH doesn't have to pay tuition next year, SS is coming out of his alienation, and maybe with a green card he will move to be with his girlfriend, and child support can be stopped too.

And BM will be ignored.

Comments

Harry's picture

Yes this kid has his head on right.  Not talking to his father because SS does not haves sport car older then him.  

advice.only2's picture

Maybe I was in the trenches of stephell too long because I’m reading this seeing how the BM is setting up a whole ploy using SS as the bait and DH just took it.  I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

tog redux's picture

Interesting. How so? I hadn’t thought of that angle. What more can she take from DH? She’s at her max for CS and she already alienated SS. 

Notup4it's picture

I would say just to impose herself into his life, and be a presence.  She has jack all she can go after now, and she knows this. 

tog redux's picture

She will try, I'm sure! But SS is a grown man now. This is all stuff he has to do himself.  She can help, but she doesn't need to talk to DH to do that.

Petronella's picture

What's she going to do if the immigration doesn't happen in time and SS gets deported? Would she give up her life in the states and accompany him back to Canada?

Petronella's picture

Maybe he and the 27yo girlfriend looooooove each other so much that SS, if he gets deported to Canada, can sponsor the GF to immigrate to Canada and join him there!!! Now there's a beautiful romance movie plot. 

advice.only2's picture

BM knows DH won't talk to her, so instead she deploys SS to "talk to his dad about a green card" This way DH will help get SS set up with one, all while BM is out working her angle of SS either staying in school or something else.

BM will come back at DH with "How dare you try and force my son into getting a green card when he is working on XYZ in college" or some such garbage.

SS will go radio silent with DH as BM will employ her PAS tactics back on SS that "see how your father almost forced you into gettting a green card and ruining your future."

DH will be left in the rubble of yet another scenario BM created using SS as the bait.

tog redux's picture

Interesting - like a movie plot!

I don't think that will happen. I think BM's plan has fallen apart, both because he doesn't want to go back to college and he's met this new girlfriend.  She doesn't really think a green card will ruin his life, just that it will enable him to get out from under her control. But deep in her black heart, she doesn't want him to be deported. 

More likely is that SS will take the green card and then just stop talking to DH for some stupid reason or other.

advice.only2's picture

Lol well I think we have all proven on here that most BM's can come up with better movie plots and carry them out than Hollywood.

I really do hope it turns out good, but like I said I'm a cynic.

Monkeysee's picture

A sports car is what helped alienate SS from his dad? Dear lord, with three kids & a husband how much sense would a two seater have made anyways? Why would the kid even care about that? 

tog redux's picture

Just a little boy reacting to his mother’s lies. Now he’s an adult and it’s stuck with him. 

ETA: I could see her telling 9-10 yo SS that if DH hadn't "made" her sell her sports car, they'd have a fun car to ride around in, and he  would be able to drive it someday ... many boys' dream.

It's alienation - rejecting loved parents for frivolous reasons.

tog redux's picture

The funny part to me is that BM herself actually ruminates about that damn sports car, that she chose to sell.

Winterglow's picture

It's ridiculous - what kind of condition does he imagine the car would be in now, nearly 20 years later? 

tog redux's picture

Well, BM also fancies herself a mechanic so I’m sure she told him she’d have it all fixed up for him. But yes, that’s the lack of critical thinking that alienated kids show. 

Cooooookies's picture

The sports car things is not SS's thoughts or words.  That's alienation at it's finest.  You can bet BM will kick off at DH's suggestion of actually spending child support on the child.  If this is the way she remains relevant in DH's life and be in "control", she's going to milk it for every second.

I'm happy that SS is talking to your DH but it will come at a price.  Hopefully he gets sick of BM's poop and starts thinking for himself.

shamds's picture

Ridiculous, illogical and stupid it is. They don’t see the logic, the common sense in things... that part of their brain was shut down thanks to bio mums pas...

my 2sd’d told their dad bio mum went to witch dr’s for spiritual healing, that her family do black magic crap... but this got turned into hubby did black magic on their mum. 

but sd’s say she’s sane and a genuinely changed person... thats an example how embarassing it is for me to see them like this... friggin ridiculous and how can i even consider leaving my 2 toddlers in their care ever?

at family events i told hubby he doesn’t palm our kids off to crazy sd’s... if they believe the crap bio mum spews and does with no concerns or issues, that has me majorly worried what they’re really getting up to

tog redux's picture

Yes, that's one of the hallmarks of alienation. Rejecting a parent for ridiculous reasons.

I hate my father because he made my mother sell her sports car. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Absolutley ridiculous! All this BS over a two seater sports car. Aside from that I hope SS starts thinking for himself and is more logical when it comes to the crap his mother tells him. I hope your H and his son develop a better and closer relationship. They are long over due.

STaround's picture

I cannot imagine my not helping kid to pay for, if kid raised in the US.  Does dad live in Canada?   And I think it is absurd to think that CP should pay all of out CS.  I also think that as much as you rant an rave about CS, you also mention that your DH benefited wth a property settlement from his ex (which absent nothing else, I think is fair), but why should not dad pay out of that. 

 

 

tog redux's picture

First off, he didn't say she had to pay for all of it - secondly, there was no property settlement. You are mixing me up with someone else. 

He pays her 1K in CS every month.  That's half of what the court has designated for them to use to support this 19 yo - so she is in charge of 2K worth of CS every month.

If the kid wants a Green Card, he can ask Mommy to help him with the exorbitant CS she controls.  She didn't do f*** all to help him get citizenship herself. 

STaround's picture

Your DH got part of her retirement money - I would consider that a property settlement. 

He can ask either parent to help.  IMHO, not appropiate to suggest that she use CS for this.  

tog redux's picture

Oh please. She makes 100K a year, plus another 12K for CS, to support 2 people.  She can help out. I don't care what funds she takes it out of. 

 

STaround's picture

Not your place or DH's place to tell her what to spend, nor hers to tell dad what to spend.  I think both parent should help with green card. 

tog redux's picture

Well, then we agree, because I think both should help too.  All he told SS was to ask his mother for help because she gets lots of extra money per month.  SS is a 19-year-old, 6'2",  hairy MAN.  He can work with both of his parents to figure out who will help him with this. He's not a little kid anymore. 

STaround's picture

He can and should say i will pay X dollars.  To say you should as mom for money becuase she gets CS is out of line.   It is alienation.  

Petronella's picture

to point out that Mommy has money and that part of that money is the CS that Daddy is paying her. It's the truth. 

Do you not see the absurdity in Dad's needing to pay child support at all...for a grown man who's not even going to school? I mean this whole situation is out of line and has been for years. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, I know you have the typical BM attitude that only men are responsible to pay for their children's needs.  It's not alienation to tell a grown man how much money he pays his mother for CS, and suggest that perhaps he might want to ask her for help. 

You need to brush up on your alienation awareness. 

STaround's picture

He is saying that MOM should spend CS as HE directs.  What does he think kid will think?  MOm is bad mom if she does not do that. 

secret's picture

This child isn't 5. He's nearly an adult, and has a foot on the launch pad. If he can't be partly responsible with respect to HOW this 2k gets spent when it's supposed to be, in it's 2k entirety, meant for his support.... then perhaps he should ask his mother to show him how she's spending 2k on him like she's supposed to be doing.

besides, they didn't say mom should pay, they said mom should pay TOO....with the money meant for him....

This young adult should have somewhat of a say as to how he needs to be supported. Ain't like the 2k is going to pull-ups.

Notup4it's picture

Should dad have to pay CS, plus this all himself?! Nope. How is saying he doesn’t have the money for it because he pays CS alienation? Or that the mom has extra alienation? I think telling your kids that you DO pay CS is actually counter alienation on dad’s part..... the “kid” (who is really an adult) SHOULD know that he does!!!! 

tog redux's picture

In your world, are Child Support dollars somehow a different color than money she earns herself? 

STaround's picture

I dont think an ex has the right to tell other ex how to spend money.   Money is money.   Adults get to decide how they spend money.   

Petronella's picture

Would it be ok for Dad to tell the kid that he, Dad, will pay half the required money, and that the kid should ask his mother for the remainder? Or is that "telling Mom how to spend her money?" 

tog redux's picture

Do you help your 19 yo wipe his butt too? Why can't he ask his Mommeee himself for what he wants? 

STaround's picture

But I object to DAD telling him to ask mom.  If he does not need his butt wiped, why does DAD have to tell him to ask?

Petronella's picture

If the kid asks where he should get the money, would it then be ok for Dad to suggest asking Mom? Or should he keep quiet and not mention Mommy and her sacred untouchable money?

Petronella's picture

That makes sense, don't even bring up Mommy, at least not at first. Undoubtedly the kid will whine that he doesn't have the money and no way of getting it (did you catch the part where he's not allowed to work legally, thanks to Mommy?). If the kid asks where he should get the money, would it then be ok for Daddy to suggest asking Mommy? 

STaround's picture

Can't DAD solve him not being allowed to work?

Petronella's picture

The kid has only a student visa. That's what dad is OFFERING to do - help solve the kid not being able to work. By helping him apply for permanent residency and possible citizenship. 

How else is Dad supposed to "solve" this?

Is it also Mom's job to help the kid "solve" this? She's the one the kid has been living with all these years while not being allowed to see or talk to Dad.

Petronella's picture

She doesn't have the slightest idea what she's talking about or what the situation is. 

Petronella's picture

As has already been mentioned, yes Dad is a naturalized citizen. Yes Dad can help with "it." If by "it" you mean this ADULT MAN applying for permanent residency in the U.S. Dad has wanted to help with "it" but has not been allowed to help with "it" up till now as neither BM nor SS would speak to him about it. 

SS has now finally mentioned that he is interested in getting a green card and yes Dad can and will help with "it" now that he's allowed to help with "it." That's the entire topic of this blog.

tog redux's picture

Wait. So the kid is an adult when it comes to DH, but a widdle baby when it comes to asking his own mother for help?

Petronella's picture

What does this mean? That's what Dad is doing. Dealing with his adult kid and trying to help him. 

If Dad doesn't have the money to spare and the kid asks where he should get the money, would it be ok for Dad to suggest the kid asks Mommy for the money? 

secret's picture

Actually, yes. It's child support, not babymama support. The money is not meant for her bills, it's meant to support the child. Mama can go without getting her hair and nails done for a while and provide the money meant to support the young adult TO the young adult, so that he can launch.

Like a mother's supposed to do.

Not like a money-hungry grinch keeping the child's support money for her own needs. It's not meant for HER.

tog redux's picture

Yes. Or she can spend her 100K salary on herself and use the child support to you know, support the child. 

secret's picture

Isn't that what the court did when they told dad to give mom 2k FOR THE CHILD....? I never heard of a court saying to a dad to give 2k to the mom but she can choose to only spend 50$ of it on the child because it's her money now.... because it isn't... it's the child's.......

Notup4it's picture

He suggested he asked her to help.... just like mom suggested the son have his dad help (finally).  

Dad cant pay for the whole thing and don’t think there is a prob telling the adult kid why. 

twoviewpoints's picture

The young man is going off to spend the summer with his GF.

How about, if he wants to stay in the States, he get a f-ing summer job? He could easily make the $2,000 all by himself. Even if that means busing tables, flipping burgers or retail store. 

tog redux's picture

He can't work in the states, legally, anyway. He should go off to Canada and work there, but he won't.  Claims he's going to work  under the table where GF lives.

I told DH at the very least, have him come work at our house to earn credit towards helping him. 

 

Petronella's picture

He's not even allowed to work??? omg what a child. How is this attractive to a 27yo woman? 

I like the idea to make him come over and do work for you guys. 

tog redux's picture

No, his type of visa allows for him to go to college here, but not to work. If you figure out what makes him attractive to her, please let me know.

secret's picture

So... if he lives with GF over the summer... babymama doesn't need the 2k a month for support, right? Give the kid the money for that time and tell babymama to get bent

Petronella's picture

That's a good question. If Sonny moves out of Mommy's house, surely that would end CS? Probably wouldn't count if it was only for the summer though, it would have to be a permanent move.

secret's picture

The kid needs to be supported...I'd send a registered letter stating that as the child wlil be living outside her home from X date to X date, any child support money to be paid for that period will be provided directly to the child to support himself, at the child's request, as a trial run for independence during preparation for adulthood... have the child sign... have dad sign...have witnesses sign.... and get it notarized, cc the lawyers. Registered mail to all.

secret's picture

yes but wouldn't the CO also indicate that Mommy is the provider? if Mommy is no longer provider for the child... why should she be getting paid for it?

tog redux's picture

Because NYS is very generous with CS, making it go to 21 with no accountability for CP or child to do anything other than collect it until that 21st birthday.

secret's picture

Well GD.

I'm in Ottawa. About an hour from the border to NYS.. specifically, Massena... where I go fairly regularly. Send him my way, I've got lots of landscaping to do, animal tending to get around to, general renos...

Or... he can work under the table for my mother and her myriad of companies.

Wink

Seriously, CS has to be paid even if there is proof including confirmation from the child that the child no longer lives with the receiving parent?

Petronella's picture

He's a Canadian citizen, he can go live and work there anytime he wants. I actually think this would be the best solution for everyone. 

I'm in BC and I could find him a job here in 20 minutes. 

My understanding is that CS does end if the adult child definitively moves out of the receiving parent's house. But it's not automatic in NYS, it needs to be officially ended through the court. 

tog redux's picture

If he moves out permanently, CS will end, via court order.

I'd love to send him to either of you for a real job, but as you know, I'm the disengaged SM. I let DH handle his kid (and he does).

secret's picture

Would he? If the kid changed his address and went all the way with it? He can't go in arrears if he can prove the child was not in mommy dearest's care... or at least, the arrears would be rectified

Petronella's picture

There is probably a process to do that, to stop CS if Daddy can prove that the kid doesn't reside with Mommy anymore. But I think it would take more than a registered letter to do it. I believe Daddy needs to petition the court to end the CS order. And it would probably take longer than the couple months of summer and then SS would be back living with Mommy anyway. Besides, Mommy would likely make sure to keep SS's formal mailing address the same, and not admit that SS doesn't actually live there anymore. 

secret's picture

Hang on....

Except she can't keep his formal mailing address as is if the child changes his ID himself...like a driver's licence or something.

If you have ID for the child with a different address, that's pretty tough for mama to claim is BS...

If I'm understanding correctly, SS is Canadian, living in the States on an education visa with no means to work.

Seeing as he is over 16, he can get the age of majority card... he can also go to any OHIP office (if in Ontario) and have the address changed.

The almighty big one, of course, is to advise CRA and CCTB that he is a child whose parent is receiving child support and he is no longer living with her.

CRA is golden on its own... and CCTB may not necessarily cut her payments, but if he DOES return to live with mommy after a few months, it will take MONTHS for her to get that mess sorted out, because the government entities are crap.

Wink

tog redux's picture

Well, I don't know what all those acronyms are because we live in the US! The only Canadian ID he has is a passport. And in our state, she gets CS until he's 21, unless DH can prove he's not living with her anymore.  A visit to GF won't count and NYS is notoriously BM-biased, so DH has no leg to stand on.

And of course, he has no driver's license, and "lost" his permit.

secret's picture

lol, sorry.

I live in Canada.

My mother is a family law and estate lawyer.

Passport - great. here are some links:

https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/canad...

Here's about teens leaving home and getting the support paid to them:

https://www.law-faqs.org/alberta-faqs/youth-and-the-law-in-alberta/how-o...

It specifically references Alberta, however there exists similar programs across the provinces. It would be helpful to know which province, to give you the right links...

In Ontario, you are legally allowed to leave home at 16 against your guardian's wishes. Whomever you are living with cannot be charged with an offense, as long as they don't assist you in leaving.

Here's the strange part about law in Ontario... if you're over 16 and leave home because you were kicked out without a good reason, or your living situation is either unsafe, unbearable or impossible, your parents can be forced to provide support for you until you are 18 or longer if in school.

But.... they DO NOT have to support you if you leave home of your own free will.

If he "got kicked out without a good reason", for instance, he could apply for a Legai Aid Certificae from Legal Aid Ontario, which would essentially subsidize a lawyer to help him claim support.

When I was referencing the CCTB:
Canadian Child Tax Benefit

There is also the OCB: Ontario Child Benefit. For the discussion... when i say CCTB I mean both CCTB / OCB... they get paid hand in hand anyway.

This is a monthly amount that the government freely provides to parents of children under 18, and it's based on household income.

This CCTB is paid amongst custodial parents based on their percentage. 100% custody = 100% payment. 50/50 means 50% to one parent and 50% to ther other. 75 / 25 and so on... but it is based on the recipient's income, and not the other parent's income.

If the child were to leave home and live with a grandparent, the grandparent becomes eligible to claim this credit - and the government will re-direct it from whomever is receiving it to whomever is actually responsible for the dependant... whether the parent agrees or NOT.

So, if he was to leave mom's house and live with his older girlfriend, she could actually claim him as a dependant, and the government would automatically simply stop giving mommy the monthly payment, and give it to the GF. Period. They don't mess around.

Additionally, Ontario Works program: under certain circumstances, the program will provide social assistance to the 16/17 year old whose parent demonstrated will not provide support.

In Ontario, you have Ontario Works, which is a program that helps young people in those situations get the paperwork done, etc... they provide help with shelter, food, clothing, basic needs... things like help paying last month's rent, furniture, prescription drugs...

www.mcss.gov.on.ca

Here's a decent article, which indicates that under certain statutory factors, paying parents don't have to pay - the ycan either petition the courts, OR IF MUTUALLY AGREED UPON BY BOTH PARENTS.

https://info.legalzoom.com/child-support-children-after-move-out-24623.html

In Canada it's not a requirement to get a CO for child support - you can do it independently, upon mutual agreement. It's better to have receipts etc... but here, parents can't get screwed over with fake claims of payment never received... because the date you file for CS is the oldest date you can get it for. You can't file for back support, only form present day forward. it's nice. The only way you can get back support is if there was a big increase in income, for example, that wasn't disclosed... you can file for the difference up to that time... but it's not always granted.

You can also have arrangements made for child support to be given to the person caring for the child (grandparent etc.) or to the child directly, in some circumstances.

(see point 19 of this site: https://www.nsfamilylaw.ca/child-support/general-information-child-suppo... )

Some lawyers, like my mother, will prepare the paperwork for request to stop/re-direct CS based on circumstances, and do the court legwork for you.

Here's a link that contains various information about various Canadaian entities with which SS could change his address.

https://www.movingwaldo.ca/address-change-guides/how-to-change-my-addres...

And finally..... here's a website that provides information (along with a bunch of links to FAQs) that child support doesn't have to be paid for a 16/17 year old child if they have chosen to move out of the family home and no longer live by parental rules... and if the CO was made prior to 1997, either parent can request the court to force the 1997 guidelines apply to their order

https://www.legalline.ca/legal-answers/child-support/

ETA: forgot CRA... canada revenue agency... Canadian IRS... they control everything Wink

Petronella's picture

He is 19 years old. He is an adult.

If he moved out of BM's house and went to Canada, there would be no more CS owing to BM and so nothing to redirect to SS. 

secret's picture

um... the point was... that even if he moves out to live with GF over the summer, mom can still receive CS... unless and until it cna be proven that SS no longer lives there... i was providing various ways that can be done. No need to argue with me.

Petronella's picture

Tog has already said that if SS goes and visits the girlfriend for a couple of months, that would in no way be considered a permanent change of address and NYS would not allow child support to end for those two months. 

secret's picture

Actually, what she said was:

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 05/24/2019 - 12:33pm

Well, I don't know what all those acronyms are because we live in the US! The only Canadian ID he has is a passport. And in our state, she gets CS until he's 21, unless DH can prove he's not living with her anymore. A visit to GF won't count and NYS is notoriously BM-biased, so DH has no leg to stand on.

And of course, he has no driver's license, and "lost" his permit.

I think you missed the "and in our state, she gets CS until he's 21, unless DH can prove he's not living with her anymore. A visit to GF won't count and NYS is notoriously BM-biased, so DH has no leg to stand on."

If the kid is not a US citizen, Canadian law might apply.... and those are the links that might help dad have a leg to stand on...

Maybe you should let Tog Redux speak for herself instead of being on my case for petty BS... like who even are you? Chill! *rolls eyes*

Tog if you want more info on how you might be able to prove that SS no longer lives with mom, which is a determining factor for CS in NYS PM me. Obviously your watchdog has it out for me, so I'm out. Good luck

Petronella's picture

I'm confused as to why you suddenly sent all these links most of which apply to minor children. 

SS is extremely unlikely to move out of Mom's house before the age of 21. There will be nothing for Dad to try to prove. 

I'm not trying to be anyone's watchdog, I'm actually interested in this discussion now for its own sake. 

secret's picture

like I said...they might be helpful in getting around the CS paid until 21. Doesn't matter the age..16/17, or 19... CS is paid to 21 so they may still apply, especially that he is a canadian citize

If dad can prove a change of address, regardless of the intent of moving back to mom's or not, at that time, the information will be accurately "not living with parent"

IF the child moves back with mom, onus will be on her to re-file etc...

tog redux's picture

I don't know that any Canadian law would apply, since he's a dependent under the jurisdiction of NYS Family Court.   We will keep an eye out and if he stays with GF beyond the summer month or so, DH will probably file then.  He's not likely to go get documentation in this other state (such as license etc), since it's a lot harder to do that from state to state than it within one province.

My hope is that he will get down there, realize he doesn't want to return to live with his Handler, BM, and just stay. DH plans to offer to pay him a portion of the CS directly if he moves out and gives DH proof of that. 

Petronella's picture

How did SS even meet this girl? If she lives in a different state and he's so sheltered. Their lifestyles sound very different.

tog redux's picture

Online gaming tournaments, of course! He's not exactly sheltered or even coddled, so much as just left to his own devices, without BM pushing him to do things. 

Petronella's picture

I don't think BM is receiving the CTB (Child Tax Benefit). She's not living in Canada, she's not paying taxes in Canada (I assume). 

Also CCTB ends at 18 anyway. SS is 19.

If SS moves to Canada and files a Canadian tax return, I don't think he'd need to declare any of the CS as his own income. It was always sent to BM, not to him. 

I imagine BM would never allow SS to get any ID that showed an address other than her own. 

tog redux's picture

He'd have to go to court to stop the CS payments going to BM. If he can prove he's moved out of BM's for good, then he can get it stopped. Temporarily doesn't count. 

secret's picture

not if she agrees that the funds go to the kid while the kid is away...

Sorry - ETA - in Canada, I mean. Dunno whether that would work in NYS.

Petronella's picture

and I don't think it works that way in NYS either. From what I've read from Tog and from ThinkThrice, another steptalker in NYS, it all has to be done very formally and officially through the courts. 

tog redux's picture

It doesn't work that way. Plus, BM would not in 5 bazillion years agree to such a thing.

Petronella's picture

It doesn't matter whether she pays for something out of the CS money or out of her own earnings. The point is, there is no reason on God's earth why the expense of getting Sonny's green card or citizenship, should be borne only by the father. All three of them are from Canada originally. Dad has taken the trouble to become a US Citizen. Mom has not. Dad has offered in the past to assist Sonny in getting more permanent status. Mom has refused to let Dad do this and has failed to do it herself. Also - the kid is now an ADULT, did you miss that part? If anything, the immigration expenses should be split three ways. 

I agree, you wouldn't say "BM, just use the child support" because it's not Dad's business how BM allocates her various sources of income. But it's valid to say "BM, you have plenty of money from various sources - you can afford to contribute to this."
 

tog redux's picture

Yes, thank you. Someone doesn't see shades of gray.

BM did bupkis to help SS get legal status here, and actually prevented DH from helping him. She can help pay if she's interested in her son's well-being and I don't care if she takes it out of her piggy bank in pennies.

But the honest truth is, that DH will end up paying for it all because she's a GUBM, who, like STaround, thinks only fathers are obligated to help pay for their children's needs. 

Petronella's picture

He should be putting aside earnings to pay the various fees and he should be doing his own research in what steps to take. I hope your husband doesn't just do it all for him.

tog redux's picture

He said first that he would save up his money, and that was when DH suggested he also ask BM for help. 

We've been through it already, so we would help him figure it out, most likely.  DH has to do part of it, and then SS has to do his part.  I'd help him with it, as long as he follows through on what needs to be done. 

Petronella's picture

This all sounds like a very reasonable plan and I really hope it all happens and SS follows through. I hope that if it all works out, SS will be appreciative of the dad who helped him, even after years of being treated like shit. 

Harry's picture

There is no problem to buy a broken down 20 year old sport car. And BM and DS can fix it up for no costs. Just rebuilt everything 

tog redux's picture

Yep, wouldn't that be logical? She could do that.  But she'd prefer to just blame DH for all that goes wrong in her world.

secret's picture

PS... my son just went through driving school... when he asked if i would pay for it... I told him that I'd pay for a portion of it. I told him to ALSO ask his father for financial assistance, and we can all discuss how much we're all willing and able to pay.

In the end, grandparents offered to pay half IF he saved up the other half... so they paid half, and then his dad and I both pitched in to cover his half.

It's pretty normal for parents to share expenses when it comes to a child. I mean... it's only NORMAL for a child to ask BOTH parents for help. Not sure why it's a big deal for the dad to tell the kid to also ask the mom for help. hell, he could even suggest to the kid why don't you hit up gramma/grandpa for some gift money, too?

DH already paid his share... not his fault the BM kept it. it's not HER money.

tog redux's picture

Yes, exactly.  DH said, you'll need money to pay for it. SS said, I'll save it up!  DH said, that's good, maybe you could ask your mother as well, I give her X amount of child support a month.

To review - said "child" is 19 years old. He can get married, join the army and drink (in Canada). He should know what CS is and what is paid for him. 

Petronella's picture

if he can't work in the U.S. and doesn't want to go get a job in Canada? What under the table work does he think he can get? 

Petronella's picture

Wow Mommy certainly has done a stellar job of raiisng her little prince. He's got such a firm grasp of how the adult world works. 

Does SS understand that he will soon have no legal status in the U.S. and that means he won't get to live there anymore? 

 

Petronella's picture

He already has a Canadian passport and can apply for a Social Insurance card right away. He could be working in under a week. 

Actually he can probably apply for the SIN card right now, while still living in the U.S. 

Petronella's picture

It probably won't happen that way though, as SS is totally enmeshed with his Mommee and doesn't want to go live in Canada. If the American green card doesn't happen in time and SS is forced to leave the U.S. at 21, he'll go kicking and screaming, LOL

tog redux's picture

Or he will marry the GF, which is a quicker route to a Green Card than through a parent.

Petronella's picture

Geez I certainly hope the GF has more sense than to marry a 19yo community college dropout who's never had a job!

notasm3's picture

This is a young man who has a history of being a total ahole. No way I would give him an extra penny over the stupid CS. For what - so be can turn around and ridicule his father and ghost him again for being a such a sucker?