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T minus 14 months to launch

tog redux's picture

SS19 came over last night, with 2 friends, for a BBQ at our house - last cook-out of the season, most likely.  It's nice that he's bringing his friends by - they are all friends from the alternative high school program he attended but they are nice kids, and they are all either working or going to community college, or both. SS and his friend helped us move some furniture that I couldn't help DH with, which was nice. SS is a nice kid as far as surface impressions go.

He was wearing an oversized pair of pajama pants, which nearly gave DH a heart attack (he won't leave the house in even sweatpants); this is symbolic of his current life.  His other friend (a female friend who now lives with SS and his mother - no, it's not his girlfriend) says, "All SS does is sleep and play video games". 

DH asked if he had his driver's license. He said no. He had told DH before that he had someone who was going to be his instructor but that fell through. I asked if he could call Local Driving School and he said yes, he could.  Left it at that.  SS has 4 parent-type people who could help him learn to drive (us, BM and her BF) and one of the friends sitting at the table is 21 and drove him to our house, so he could help him.  Nope, still doesn't have a license. 

He's been telling DH about a (in my opinion) far-fetched plan to get a job in Canada that of course, he needs a driver's license for. In the meanwhile, he is truly just sleeping, eating and gaming.  I can't begin to imagine how this is OK with BM, but yet, it is. He could have gone to another year of college, but he didn't want to, and god forbid BM make him do something he doesn't want to do.

For those not aware, my SS has 14 months to find a way to stay in this country or leave to Canada, where he has not lived since he was an infant.  We have offered to help him, he has not made any effort to come up with some of the money that would be needed and DH won't pay for 100% of it.  BM can't help him stay here as far as we know. We do know she took him up to where his brother lives so he could check out this job he now wants and doesn't appear to be doing anything to get.

I know his behavior is anxiety/avoidance based but it makes me nuts that he has no insight into it. I picture him one year from now begging DH to help him get a green card and DH has already said he won't do that at the last minute, he needs to start the process now.

I can't imagine how all of this is going to work out, but I suspect it will be drama-filled, whatever it is.


SacrificialLamb's picture

SS19 is living the high life at BM's, and when time runs out, he definitely will want daddy to intercede. And then daddy and SM especially will be the bad guys.

tog redux's picture

Fortunately, he never targets me and neither does BM. But DH will most definitely be the meanie for not coughing up 7K at the last minute to help him get a green card, even though BM hasn't offered to pay one red cent towards one.

MurphysLaw's picture

And in 14 months the CS comes to an end as well correct?

It will be interesting to see how this all plays out.

tog redux's picture

Yeppers!  The gravy train ends for both of them.

I did some research and he has a 6-month grace period to stay in the country after his visa expires - if he overstays that, he will never be allowed in the U.S. again - you know, the place where both of his parents live and where he's lived his entire life.

I just don't get his thinking.

MurphysLaw's picture

Wow! Those are some serious restrictions! I know little to nothing about visas &etc.

 I was quite surprised that an US citizen can not visit Canada if they have a DUI, well I guess if they jump through a bunch of hoops THEN they can get some sort of “pass” but it’s not easy.

You’d think BM would be getting all her ducks in a row in order to sort this out …weird.

Theyll drop this in DHs lap and he’ll be the villain. Insane.

tog redux's picture

Wouldn't you think she would be trying to work this out? Maybe she is, who knows. Maybe she will marry her BF and get him a green card that way, but she'd better get going on it if that's her plan.

DH has long been afraid she'll drop him on our doorstep when he turns 21, but I don't think she will. She's too invested in being "the only parent who cares"

This is not a good political climate to overstay a visa.

tog redux's picture

OK, I looked again and if he overstays from 180 days to a year, he can't come back for 3 years, more than a year, he can't come back for 10 years. And they would certainly never give him a green card, he can come back as a tourist though.

So not never, but still.

Siemprematahari's picture

I don't understand why he's dragging his feet on this and why his mother is not pushing him to do something about it......

So worse case is that he goes to live in Canada, will BM go and there as well to be with her son?

tog redux's picture

I don't think she will go right now. There is no other place she can get a job making 100K for doing fuck all, with summers off to boot.  I assume he will have to go live with his adult half-brother (BM's older son).

I just do not get how she can even stand to see him lazing around her house doing nothing. It's not like she needs the CS to live on, she makes more than DH does.

tog redux's picture

No problem at all - and DH has offered to pay half.  She could easily pay the other half.

Cooooookies's picture

I know that the U.S. is super strict but how is it that he has no rights to stay when his BM can continue to live there and he's grown up nearly all his life there?  Isn't there they could've applied for ages ago?

Maybe it would be the best thing for SS if he had to move back.  Like you said, he could detach himself from Mother Dearest and perhaps (gasp) become a productive member of society...

tog redux's picture

She's on a TN visa, which is a non-immigrant visa - she has to renew it every 3 years. He is a dependent on that visa, and can only be one until age 21.  He can't get any other kind of visa except a student visa, and he's too lazy to make any effort in school, so he can't get one.

DH says she blew her chance to get herself and the family green cards through her job. So really, the only option we know of is us - I am a citizen and DH is a naturalized citizen.

I think BM would rather cut off a limb than give DH money to help SS.

Cooooookies's picture

Okay so there is another option but, like you say, he's too lazy and head buried in the sand to do anything.  Jeeeeez!  You would think the prospect of being forced to move back to your country of birth that you know zero about would scare the life out of him.  Yikes.

tog redux's picture

Head in the sand is a good way to put it - but he fancies himself quite the Canadian, so he's not (consciously) afraid of having to move back. Though he's obviously (unconsciously) effing terrified of having to function on his own, period.

He's picked up BM's incessant bashing of the US and everyone in it, so he feels superior as a Canadian who has lived there for 10 months.

Cooooookies's picture

The US is crap yet she's quite happily stayed for the last 20 years to earn $100k. Funny that...

thinkthrice's picture

better than U.S. citizens.  I'm a former Canuck so I can say that.  The "free" health insurance is based on myriads of taxes and an extremely high income tax. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, they do - I've seen that with my in-laws. DH, too. He can't do it now that he's a citizen too. I just tell him he CHOSE to be American, I was born here. 

I wondered if you were Canadian. You've talked about being naturalized, but you speak American English so well.

somethingwicked's picture

The wearing of pajama thing in public is a crazy fashion style  for the young adults..I have NO clue why BUT suspect gaming 24/7 ushered this trend in.

SS sounds like he has no plan or way forward with his life just stuck in his rut that he does not SEE is a rut. Slow to mature and grow the effup and it sounds like BM is part of that problem.

You've always been supportive and also hung back when you knew it was not your place to  parent .

Despite everything you and DH have tried  to help this young man it won't end  well and I agree he will be seeing that wall when he suddenly realizes he needs a plan or crackup.

Does he have family in Canada and if so  I hope he gets turfed back to Canada. 

Sometimes getting pushed out of the nest is the only way to learn to fly. 

tog redux's picture

I agree with everything you've said.  I'm glad he has this visa issue or I'm quite sure we'd be talking T minus 10 years for his launch date, I'm just not looking forward to the pre-launch drama that is inevitable.

He has tons of family on both sides in Canada, though his older half-brother is the logical choice, as he's closest to him.

These pajama pants were particulary hideous!

thinkthrice's picture

my parents were flabbergasted at the slovenly dress "in the States."   I guess Canadians have adopted looking hideous in public as well.

Letti.R's picture

SS has been so coddled by his mother, I don't think he realises or wants to face the reality of his situation.
Sounds like sleeping and gaming is his escape into fantasy or avoidance...
tog, it worries me that this is not going to end well for your SS.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, he is very avoidant, I agree. He seems to lie to himself best of all.

Well, if the worst that happens is he ends up on his brother's doorstep, that will be okay. His brother is normal from what I hear, having not been raised by BM (she gave him to the father to raise when they divorced, and he briefly came to live with DH and BM but got himself out of there post haste).

If he ends up with us and we have to get him situated in Canada, that will really suck.

thinkthrice's picture

go on the dole in Canada? Oh wait he has misemeanors?

tog redux's picture

No misdemeanors. He can, though it takes a bit to re-establish citizenship rights when you've ex-patriated, at least in Ontario.  I looked up once how long it would be for DH to get health insurance if we moved back - 6 months. Nova Scotia, right away.

Though I suppose he's on a non-immigrant visa, so it would be different for SS.