You are here

SS's deal with the devil comes due

tog redux's picture

So, when we left off, my SS20 had to leave the country by age 21, or get another type of visa in order to stay, as he has been a dependent on his mother's visa and that ends at 21.  In typical Failure to Launch fashion, he has been doing exactly NOTHING to achieve that, other than the usual lying to himself about what he was going to do, playing video games, watching TV, and eating.  Child Support also ends at 21 here, so DH has been giving BM 1K per month to help support this grown man while he does the above activities - 10 more payments due. 

Well, last night SS texted DH and told him that BM told him she has filed for her own permanent resident card (Green Card), and that he, SS, needs to be out of her home by the summer as a result.  Yep, just as my DH predicted long ago, CS ends, out goes SS. And she apparently has no plan to help him get a green card himself. Supposedly they were in a big screaming fight, which has always been when SS suddenly wants a father in his life and starts texting DH.

Now, part of me says GOOD FOR YOU BM, since his refusal to do anything for himself is infuriating. But this is a woman who made sure SS was completely aligned with her and totally dependent, asked him to lie for her and allowed him to refuse to have any kind of relationship with DH for years.  They've been completely enmeshed and aligned - only for her to boot him out on his own when he's outlived his usefulness.

On the other hand, SS made a deal with the devil in aligning himself with her, he's lied repeatedly about DH in court, and he's treated DH like dirt for the last 5 years - as well as made zero effort in his own life. He's had years of therapy to address this crazy with BM and instead used it to talk about how awful DH was.  I get parental alienation - but at this point, he's become a toxic and entitled GROWN MAN and I have no more sympathy for him.  He's made his bed, he'll have to lie in it. 

DH already told him he's not living with us.  We could get him a green card, but then he'll just go back to BM's, kiss and make up, and continue his failure to launch mode. So it's best for him to go to Canada and seek his fortune - but I know none of it will happen without more drama and disruption to us. 


ESMOD's picture

I think your husband could send him a flannel shirt, hockey puck and a bottle of maple syrup.  A Canadian Starter pack.

justmakingthebest's picture

Does he have family in Canada? 

I am so freaking proud of your DH!! We have a couple more years before SS is an adult but a part of me is REALLY looking forward to the conversation (if we ever get to have it) of "you made this bed, now live with those choices".

tog redux's picture

He has lots of family on both sides. Of course, he hasn't seen DH's family in over 5 years. He has an adult brother, but why would he want to take this jerk in?

Kes's picture

So pleased your DH has stated his position clearly!  good on him.  We had a similar situation when after many years more of college than any sane person needs, and the end of the CS gravy train,  NPD BM tried to wash her hands of SD25 and get us to take her in.  Needless to say, we didn't.  After all the shit I've taken from her and her vile mother over the years, then expect me to open my home to her? Forget it. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah,  it's really crazy how these women can act like MOTY for so many years, only to boot the little darling when they don't bring in a paycheck anymore.  

Gimlet's picture

And all this time, she crippled him and prevented his father from doing anything about it.  MOTY material for sure.

tog redux's picture

Yep, she sure did. But he took all the prizes she offered for going along with her.

advice.only2's picture

Awe poor little many baby thought his mommykins really loved him and actually wanted him to live with her forever...silly boy.

tog redux's picture

It's odd - he knew he had to leave at some point anyway - he just had his head in the sand. 

Eve-Bee's picture

So good to hear that your DH is not enabling his failure to launch son and that Karma actually is a thing. A video of the SS leaving the country would be an ultimate feel-good movie *diablo*

tog redux's picture

It would, except that DH worries about him. I know he won't cave and let him live with us, but he will worry. 

CLove's picture

Poor kiddo! Mommee dearest doesnt want him to live with her anymore?

Well, he will need to figure things out all by himself. Good for DH for standing strong.

When SD20 Feral Forger kept asking to move in, and DH kept saying "work things out with your mother"...such a moment of pride for me!

tog redux's picture

Yeah - and SS and BM will be lovey again in short order. It's how these toxic relationships go.

ndc's picture

Kudos to your DH for refusing to coddle and enable SS and let him move in with you.  What a horrid woman BM is, to alienate SS from your DH, coddle him to the point that he fails to launch and then kick him out when CS ends.  Reprehensible.

tog redux's picture

It is awful - but I think SS owns some responsibility too, though she is leaving him high and dry. 

susanm's picture

Canada is lovely.  Nice and big stretching from sea to shining sea just like the USA.  Best of luck and happy travels to him.  He and BM had plenty of time to straighten this out and they chose not to do so.  Don't let the border hit him in the ass!  Smile

Harry's picture

Not even for a day.  You do not pay for his green card.  Disengage from all of it. Just pop some corn , sit down and watch.  It will be better then TV 

thinkthrice's picture

misjudged anchor baby timing in a BIG way!

tog redux's picture

No.  They are all Canadian and moved here for jobs. No one was planning an anchor baby, he was already born. 

Lndsy747's picture

I feel pretty confident SD will be kicked out to live with us once she's an adult at some point. While I wouldn't mind her living with us in general if she was in school or working I will not let it happen. I know what if she did love with us and started to enjoy it BM would be jealous and insecure and start all kinds of drama to win her back. I'm so don't with that.

Good for your husband for saying no. I agree with some other posts that they'll probably make up soon and all will be well. It's all just part of the roller coaster ride of living with a narcissist.