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SS heads down the inevitable path

tog redux's picture

Last report, my SS19 was dating an older woman - we thought she was 26 or 27, turns out she's "just" 23.  She lives in another state, they met online via gaming, and they'd been dating long-distance (traveling periodically to see each other) for about a year? Maybe more.  DH met her and she seemed just what you'd think an older woman dating a teen boy would be - crazy.

Well, apparently they broke up, and soon after, SS received a court summons for a civil case against him, filed by this woman.  We know this was true because he spent the evening with us at a cottage my family had rented.  I approached him to ask him a question and could hear the GF ranting at him through the phone.  She did apparently drop the case, but he has to fly to where she lives to sign something with the police. Also true, as we overheard him speaking to the police department.

DH and I both just stayed out of it, beyond DH giving him some basic advice. It had to do with some agreement they made about something.

Do you think he connects any of this attraction to crazy with his mother?  Don't be silly!

He has 18 months to resolve his immigration issues, and DH asked him what his plan was.  He said that he thought he had until 23 to stay in the country, when he's been told repeatedly it's 21.  He's doing nothing, playing video games, no plan to do anything with his life. No plan to get the money for a green card, and DH has made very clear that he's not paying for it.

On a positive note, he and DH seem to be getting along well and he did come to him for help about this issue. He's a troubled kid and it's kind of sad, really, but neither of us want the drama in our lives. I guess his plan was to not tell BM about the civil charges, but of course she has to pay for him to fly down there, so lying must be involved in that situation.

At least the girl isn't pregnant. So far.

18 more months of child support, that's what I focus on.  I'm glad he's back in DH's life, because alienation was hard, and I've decided to just be pleasant and civil to him as I always was, rather than avoiding him.  DH feels sort of hopeless about affecting any change in his life.

Comments

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I wish we could turn the knob forward 18 months and watch the shenanigans. *diablo*

Your DH is one of the good ones, tog.

tog redux's picture

IMO, and I've said all along, the best thing that could happen to this kid would be having to leave the country - then he'd get out of BM's home and might have half a chance.

DH offered him $500/month if he went up to live with his brother, and pointed out how much he's paying BM.  The kid is 19.5  Time to get his head out of his ass.

Petronella's picture

I so want him to get booted up to Canada. Hey he can date one of my SDs, at least they are age appropriate.

Petronella's picture

Is she accusing him of stealing from her? Did he damage her car? I hope she’s not accusing him of rape or something. This is crazy!!

He thought he had until age 23?! Oh, SS. I cannot wait to hear what happens in 18 months. I’m so glad your DH is standing strong and not offering to pay for or facilitate the green card.

tog redux's picture

DH did his level best not to get too involved, but from what he gathered, her family paid SS to keep her safe after she came out of a psych hospital and she accused him of breaching the contract.  Who the hell knows. But he really did get served and really does have to go down to her city and sign something saying the charges are dropped or something.

Yes, his head is firmly in the sand. DH will facilitate the green card, but he will not pay for it, SS needs to come up with the money.

Livingoutloud's picture

Is it in DHs interest for SS to get green card? Why can’t he pay for it? SS is only 19. Not like he is professionally employed. It’s not even that much (I am naturalized US citizen so I know ins and outs). I just wonder what’s the rationale behind not helping to pay for it? 

tog redux's picture

It’s almost 8K for the attorney and all fees. If SS has no skin in the game he won’t comply and DH will lose money. Also, he still pays BM child support, and SS is doing nothing to make himself independent. It would be pure enabling to pay for him. Plus. It would make DH financially responsible for SS and he’d like to see him be more independent or he’s going to be a drain. 

Did I mention SS didn’t speak to him for 3 years? BM and SS both need a stake in this for it to work. 

ETA: SS can go work in Canada now and save up some money so he can help out.  If DH just pays for it, he will go back to BM's and live there until he's 40.

thinkthrice's picture

I just had to Shell out $600 to get a certified copy of my naturalization certificate be re-biometricked, have to drive an hour away and provide a bunch of paperwork AKA time off of work just to get an enhanced driver's license or a pre TSA.

tog redux's picture

Exactly. And if DH just coughs up all the money, how likely is it that SS and BM will comply with all of those little details? Even the attorney suggested he pay at least half.

He's not a cripple.  A few months working in Canada would get him half the fees and then he might also gain some confidence.

Livingoutloud's picture

They ask all that for enhanced lisence? I don’t even know where my naturalization certificate is. Shouldn’t government have it on record somewhere already? Wouldn’t showing them US passport be sufficient? You would not have it if you were not a citizen. $600 for what? I won’t even bother with enhanced license then. Passport and regular lisence ger ne everywhere. 600? Crazy 

Livingoutloud's picture

Oh I see now. I didn’t follow your posts so I tried to imagine scenarios like DH brought SS from a foreign country and now refuses to help him to become legal resident here. I thought SS can’t even work here and I didn’t know working in Canada is an option.  I see it’s a different story. Yes S.S. needs to contribute.  

Petronella's picture

KActually it’s kind of the opposite. Both dad and mom brought SS to the U.S., all three of them from Canada. Dad has become an American citizen, Mom never has. Dad has offered over the years to help SS become a citizen or at least a permanent resident but Mom refused all help. Not to mention the 3 years in there when SS wouldn’t even speak to his dad. It’s interesting that you assumed this state of affairs is something only Dad is responsible for.

tog redux's picture

Yes, both BM and DH brought him here as a baby. BM blew an opportunity to get them all green cards through her job, and then blew her coworker, which brought an end to their marriage. DH is now a naturalized citizen, BM still on a TN visa.  BM's master plan was that SS would get a student visa and then go to her college and parlay that into a work visa, but she should have known that would be an epic fail, given SS has been a terrible student for years.

DH even brought up the issue of his status in Child Support court, and nothing was done because it's SS's choice as an adult. 

 

Monkeysee's picture

I think your DH making SS pay for at least half his green card is a smart decision. He’s 19, not 12. He’s more than capable of finding work (even if it’s a few months in Canada) and contributing to his own future & wellbeing. 

It’s nice when parents are able to help their kids, but not simply enable them. If your SS doesn’t get his act together he’ll be living in Canada whether he likes it or not. Good!! Maybe it’ll teach him a lesson or two to fall flat on his face & have to pick himself back up. Not to mention being away from his crazy BM.

tog redux's picture

Exactly.  I actually do feel bad for the kid, but it's enabling that has him in this Failure to Launch place to begin with.  BM has never pushed him to do anything that was hard for him, and maybe this will force him out of his comfort zone. And again, all he has to do is go work for a few months there, he has family that would support him in various parts of the country. 

theoldredhen's picture

Hey now, Canada’s not so bad! Minimum wage $14.00, free health care, good job prospects and polite citizens. The Toronto Raptors are NBA champs and our Prime Minister is a bilingual babe. There are lots of worse countries! Smile

tog redux's picture

Definitely! If things keep up like they are here in 'Murica, DH and I might head there right behind him. 

I have no issue with him having to return to Canada.  I think it would do him a world of good to get as far from BM as possible. 

Petronella's picture

Do you think BM would ever go back to Canada herself? Voluntarily or if she screws up her visa paperwork?

tog redux's picture

Probably once she's ready to quit working, which probably wouldn't be for another 10 years or so.  She can't make this kind of money in Canada. 

tog redux's picture

Well - the issue is that he hasn't lived there since he was 10 months old and he has to leave the comfort of Mommy's womb, er, home. 

Monkeysee's picture

@oldredhen - I meant no disrespect to Canada! I’ve been a few times & have family there myself, it’s a wonderful country. I just meant that if he has to move to Canada temporarily to earn money to put towards his green card, then that’s what he has to do Smile

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, Monkeysee,

No offence taken, Hon! I was having a little sport. Mosking