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First emails from BM in 2 years

tog redux's picture

When we last left off, SS20 had a big fight with Mommy Dearest, and she had told him she was getting her green card by June, and since he was a dependent on her prior visa, he would therefore be unable to stay in the country once she got a green card, and he'd have to get out of her house.  He was texting DH all kinds of rotten things about BM and how much he would never speak to her again, yadda yadda.

As many of you predicted, they made up and all was "fine" as far as we could tell. SS continued on his Failure to Launch, making unrealistic plans and not making any effort towards anything he could actually achieve, for example, like getting his driver's license. He dropped out of community college a year ago and has done bupkis since then.

Two days ago, DH gets an email from BM saying that she got her green card and SS is now on a visitor visa, until the COVID issue is resolved. Mind you, DH last heard from BM 2 years ago when she threatened him with court because she was insisting that a tuition reimbursement available through her work (which was public information online) did not exist and so she expected DH to stop subtracting that from his half of tuition (it was in the CO that the tuition reimbursement should be applied).  DH had been trying to communicate with her prior to that, but when she threatened him with court, he again went No Contact, which he had been for the last 3 years prior or so.  Since the tuition reimbursement DID exist, she was just bluffing and there was no court.

DH ignores the email from BM, but I knew something was up - why would she tell him this? Last night he gets another one from her, very polite, even addressing him by name! Asking that he help pay for SS to get a green card, he can pay right to her attorney, and she will even magnanimously pay for more than half.  She politely "requests acknowledgement of the reciept of this email."

DH offered to help SS get a green card 2 years ago if SS came up with at least half of the money. He was hoping to motivate SS to do something with his life.  BM did not offer to be that half 2 years ago - now that she can do it herself, she wants DH to pay half.  At this point, DH feels that SS has made zero effort to come up with his half, or do anything even remotely useful with his life, and he no longer wants to help pay.

He intends to ignore BM. So I'm guessing we will find out if there is any precedent in Family Law for ordering a parent to help pay for a green card. 7 more Child Support payments. 8 more months until BM no longer has any legal control. I knew there would be some drama before it was all over, so here we go ...


Kes's picture

 "So I'm guessing we will find out if there is any precedent in Family Law for ordering a parent to help pay for a green card. "

I would be surprised if this is the case - ie an obligation or even expectation of this - but as you say - do the research. I think DH's approach is sound and reasoned. 

tog redux's picture

I'd be surprised too - except that NY is pretty good at just telling men to shut their mouths and open their wallets.  We shall see.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your DH's son is an adult. Why isn't he the one doing the asking? Surely your SS understands there's no love lost between his parents so the request would be better received coming from him?

tog redux's picture

Exactly, I said that to DH this morning. BM even says in her email that "this is what SS wants".  This is her standard gatekeeping, she's been doing it for 10 years.  And as with all of these loony BMs, it's more about being able to engage with DH and get a reaction than help her son out.

At the very least, SS needs to ask his father himself, just like he should have with the college tuition.

notarelative's picture

SS and BM have made a strategic mistake. Well at least SS has. BM''s was deliberate. She did not use the portion of the law that lets the parent of a child under 21 get his green card at the same time as her. (which if she really wanted him here she would have) Now it has to be applied for separately and there is little time left before he turns 21. Once he turns 21, the wait time increases.

Although it does give SS an excuse for not getting his driver's license. A 'tourist' visit is not acceptable (my state) identification at the state DMV. Also it's an excuse not to work as that is prohibited in a 'tourist' visa.

But, since Canadians don't usually require tourist visa, I wonder what type of visa he has, or if there is one? 

tog redux's picture

My guess is that she got the Green Card through her older daughter, who married an American citizen. That daughter would have to agree to get SS a green card and be his sponsor, which she would not do, and I don't blame her a bit. She's just like her mother, but she must also be concerned about SS's laziness and he's been pretty rotten to her as well. So she just got BM one and BM will sponsor SS for one.  She claims there are a surplus of them right now, per her lawyer, for dependents, which seems odd given Trump's recent order.

Good point on the Visa - she said a Visitor Visa - maybe they had to get that since they couldn't go back to Canada and cross back in legally, don't know.  He was here on a TN dependent visa so he's had 4.5 years to get his license legally.

The whole thing is a clusterf***.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Tog, is your DH going to contact SS for clarification, or wait and see if he'll reach out to his dad?

tog redux's picture

I'm guessing he will wait and see what SS says to him. SS very well may not know that BM has asked DH this, quite frankly.

ndc's picture

I'm sure you're right about SS not knowing. An alienating parent would want to look like the sole savior.

Harry's picture

DH has to pay CS, and may have to pay for education.  But not a green card .  This man, should have a job, and pay for his own green card.  Or come up with 1/2 of it.  How much longer are you going to support this man/ child?

SacrificialLamb's picture

I think people who are nutty are getting a little nuttier with the pandemic.  

If it's want SS wants, he can contact DH.  

Livingoutloud's picture

Oh well. Guess that's what going to happen. There are much worse places than Canada. SS should move back to Canada. Unless he wants to stay here illegally.

Maybe because I live across the river from Canada and go there more often than to  places in the US I don't see it as devastating. I love Canada! I wish my DD lived in Canada instead of much further away!

SS can move there, work, pursue some type of training and live like everyone else does. He can easily maintain relationship with his parents becsyse Canada isn't that far no matter where you are at in the US. It would be much more concerning if he had to be shipped to Mongolia or Somalia. 

tog redux's picture

We totally agree - except that SS never stopped breast-feeding and now has zero life skills. No driver's license, never held a job, 100% dependent on BM.

We live 1.5 hours from Canada, DH is Canadian and I'd love to live there myself. The worry is that this man-baby has no ability to live on his own, or to even get there to begin living on his own.

Not to fear though - BM will end up getting him a green card, I'm sure.

tog redux's picture

She will pay for it, then take it to Family Court if her lawyer will argue the case, and see if she can get DH ordered to pay half.

tog redux's picture

This New York, remember. He was ordered to pay 1K in CS for an 18-year-old (at the time) who wasn't even speaking to him.

notarelative's picture

BM, at this point, has waited too long to take this to court. It's not an emergency, in court terms even if it is in BM's mind. Normally you wait for your court date, but with COVID causing backup, this will probably not get a date before SS turns 21. She will have to pay and then hope the court forces the dad to pay.

tog redux's picture

That might be even better for her - force DH into court AFTER SS turns 21. Just when we thought we were done with her.

CLove's picture

Sounds like she wants to continue being relevant in DH's life as well as SS. I think Bm will do it, so she can keep the leash tight.

sandye21's picture

SS has been suckled for too long.  I agree with other posters, DH should just say, "No", and then not respond.  Send SS back to her.  Let BM go through the courts.

tog redux's picture

That's the plan - and yes, she probably wants to maintain control over SS's choices as well. Otherwise, she could have offered to pay half and have DH get him a green card 6 years ago when he got his.

BethAnne's picture

I doubt it is worth it to take it to court, she's probably bluffing. Applying for a green card does add up but it is not so expensive that I would hire a lawyer and go to court to get half the costs covered if I had that option. 

tog redux's picture

She might make 2K or so if she won - subtracting attorney fees.

Plus, you are sane and she is not - she would like the opportunity to legally force DH to respond to her.

I'm hopeful there is no precedent for it and her attorney discourages her.

Livingoutloud's picture

Why doesn't BM just pay for it if he wants him to stay in the states? I am an immigrant so I know it costs money but not that much that it's not affordable. Why is she bugging DH 

tog redux's picture

Because she can ... or thinks she can.  BM makes 100K and gets another 1K in child support. She can afford it. She just wants to have a reason to contact DH.

Livingoutloud's picture

Wow. If BM makes 100k why is she even getting 1k in CS for an adult? And SS isn't even in college. Makes zero sense 

tog redux's picture

That's New York. "Custodial Parent" gets CS until the kid turns 21 unless they move out and are self-supporting.

DPW's picture

And she resurfaces.... I think your DH's plan a while back should stick. Time for SS to spread his wings. 

You can send him to our city. SO is very manly and would shape him up in no time... lol. We'd charge you, of course Wink

tog redux's picture

Thanks! well, DH tried to shape him up, but he'd just run to BM. Maybe if BM wasn't around?

Sadly, I think BM will get him the green card and he will just stay attached to the umbilical cord forever.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am glad he is ignoring her but I worry that with everything that NY courts have done to you guys that this will be no different. 

tog redux's picture

Probably not - so we will be out a couple thousand, that won't hurt us at all. One step closer to her having nothing else she can drag him into court about.

Iamwoman's picture

It sounds like ignoring is the best option. At the very least, it buys time, edging DH closer to that 7 month mark.

tog redux's picture

Yep, if she goes to court, she goes to court. DH isn't going to pay unless he's ordered to.  She could have offered to pay to get SS one, half 6 years ago when DH got his green card. She wanted to wait until she had control over everything.